i think i made a bad mistake agreeing to this :(

beachybride333 · December 2010

i am planning a destination wedding in Dominican Republic. a few months ago (several months AFTER i was engaged and location and date were pretty much chosen, just not booked yet), one of my bridesmaids boyfriends asked me in front of all our friends at someone's house how i would feel if he and her got married the same week as me. i felt very put on the spot and said it would be fine because my wedding is only one day and they can do what they want the rest of the week.

i also did not think too much about it at the time as i didn't know how serious they were about getting married. he didn't exactly propose to her or anything.

well now that is has come to time to book, my friend has suddenly become much more involved and is trying to decide which we resort i get married at! the idea was i am getting married where and when i want. she is coming as my BM, and if she wants to get married that week too, fine, but i am not basing any of my plans around her. now i am at the point of regretting ever saying it was okay for her to get married the same week as me. i tried to tell her that too and then she quickly agreed to the resort FI and I chose (one that is in our and our families budget, who we want to attend our wedding).

but the whole thing has now left a real bad taste in my mouth and i completely regret the whole thing. how you would feel if you were me? am i being a total selfish bi*ch?? its like i see it clearly now and how ridiculous the idea of double wedding week is. this is my wedding, i asked her to be my BM, and now she is really only going for her wedding and was trying to dictate where i get married! not to mention how similar our weddings will be at the same resort and all (something i WISH I considered before)..and its definitely too late to change the plans now, i just want to find a way to go back to being okay with all of this. but i don't know how.

besides even when i think about HOW they asked me to have their wedding the same week, how could i have said no without looking like a selfish bi*ch anyway??

Snippylynn · December 2010

Okay, the part of how similar the weddings will be- well, that's pretty much every wedding to be honest. Not to mention, a destination wedding in the DR... there are a lot of weddings that will do that and have the tropical flowers, etc.

That being said, your friend is being a bit of a tool. But, you did tell them it was okay. I'd suggest talking to her about it, without the accompanying "This is MY day" stuff. Yeah, they did put you on the spot, but you could have said, "I'd have to think about it." No one would have thought that was bad. Just have a chat with her and tell her how you feel. But continue with your own plans and do what you need to do!

Simply Fated · December 2010

Well, i would stop divulging details, that's for sure. If she asks, just give a vague answer like, "Not sure yet." "It's up in the air." "Don't worry about it" .... you get the idea.
Then change the subject.

The way you can go back to that feeling is this... Remind yourself that had you said you were not okay with it, then you'd be a bitch. For now, you're just a friend that has a friend who is using your destination wedding as an excuse to have a destination wedding for herself. It's all just absurd. Laugh it off and have fun planning. And, yeah, STOP telling her what you're doing. Let her figure it out on her own. It'll all turn out fine, I'm sure.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I agree the way they asked you was poor. Even if you had said "Let me think about it," they COULD have asked you in private and SHOULD have.

But that being said, just make the most of it. Concentrate on your wedding, and like PP's said, don't advertise details of it to her. In the end, just enjoy your day when it happens, and when it's her wedding, be happy for her. I really think it'll all work out OK in the end.

tidetravel · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-made-bad-mistake-agreeing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f568a05-7cb7-4a9e-97df-6154f7f962a3Post:b39586bb-e331-4aba-9e9e-a88e07c04551">i think i made a bad mistake agreeing to this :(</a>:
[QUOTE]i am planning a destination wedding in Dominican Republic. a few months ago (several months AFTER i was engaged and location and date were pretty much chosen, just not booked yet), one of my bridesmaids boyfriends asked me in front of all our friends at someone's house how i would feel if he and her got married the same week as me. i felt very put on the spot and said it would be fine because my wedding is only one day and they can do what they want the rest of the week. i also did not think too much about it at the time as i didn't know how serious they were about getting married. he didn't exactly propose to her or anything. well now that is has come to time to book, my friend has suddenly become much more involved and is trying to decide which we resort i get married at! the idea was i am getting married where and when i want. she is coming as my BM, and if she wants to get married that week too, fine, but i am not basing any of my plans around her. now i am at the point of regretting ever saying it was okay for her to get married the same week as me. i tried to tell her that too and then she quickly agreed to the resort FI and I chose (one that is in our and our families budget, who we want to attend our wedding). but the whole thing has now left a real bad taste in my mouth and i completely regret the whole thing. how you would feel if you were me? am i being a total selfish bi*ch?? its like i see it clearly now and how ridiculous the idea of double wedding week is. this is my wedding, i asked her to be my BM, and now she is really only going for her wedding and was trying to dictate where i get married! not to mention how similar our weddings will be at the same resort and all (something i WISH I considered before)..and its definitely too late to change the plans now, i just want to find a way to go back to being okay with all of this. but i don't know how. besides even when i think about HOW they asked me to have their wedding the same week, how could i have said no without looking like a selfish bi*ch anyway??
Posted by beachybride333[/QUOTE]
That's a little odd. I agree that she overstepped her bounds by asking you in front of everyone, and trying to dictate the details of your wedding. Why does her wedding have to be at the same resort? She could stay at ANOTHER resort and just attend your wedding. That doesn't make any sense.

Regardless, plan your wedding as you would like. At the end of the day, you'll be married, and it doesn't really matter if your wedding is "unique" or "special." It WILL be special, because it will be YOUR WEDDING.

emilyinchile · December 2010

She's weird and kind of rude, but honestly, even if you hadn't agreed, you can't stop her from getting married when she wants - she doesn't need your permission or your blessing.

If she hasn't booked yet I would maybe say something like "do you really want to get married at the exact same place as me? Isn't that kind of boring? Why not do it somewhere else?" but beyond that there's not much you can do beyond being gracious and keeping her in the dark about any details of your wedding.

Jelenny · December 2010

That is a sticky situation - I think everyone already covered it the only kicker I see is some guests may have to switch hotels. At least in Pvnta Cana the resorts give you a wrist band (each resort has a different one) and they have people making sure people are at their resort.

aegrish · December 2010

I think you could have said no right off the bat, even if they put you on the spot, but I can understand your hesitancy to not want to sound like a biatch when she asked. Actually, one of my friends decided to get married the same month as me and also have a destination wedding and I was very open (as were most of my friends) about how that might not be the greatest idea if they actually expect our friends to go to their wedding too (since they've already booked their trips for mine), BUT since you did say OK to it initially, I would just tell her you ARE having 2nd doubts now about the double wedding week and be honest as you were in your first post, and tell her that you don't want to be a biatch but you just want BOTH of your weddings to be speical and unique in your own way. IF she still insists on sharing resorts and a week because you initially said OK to it, then as PP posts said keep the details of your wedding as confidential as possible, but then you may come off as rude. I would just be honest with her!

shortee426 · December 2010

Keep your plans to yourself from this point forward. But remember...a lot of resort weddings are pretty cookie cutter, so even without telling your plans her wedding might be similar. When it comes down to it thought, MOST weddings are similar. You have to do something pretty darn unique for it to be unlike any other wedding. If your friend keeps with her plans and "copies" your wedding, it will be a reflection of her and not of you.

emilyinchile · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_think-made-bad-mistake-agreeing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:7f568a05-7cb7-4a9e-97df-6154f7f962a3Post:083258c7-cb5d-452f-b250-663aa3c881b9">Re: i think i made a bad mistake agreeing to this :(</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you could have said no right off the bat, even if they put you on the spot, but I can understand your hesitancy to not want to sound like a biatch when she asked.
Posted by aegrish[/QUOTE]

OP could have said she didn't love the idea, but she can't say that no, her friend can't get married. The friend can do whatever she wants - OP isn't the wedding police.

beachybride333 · December 2010

a couple of things to add, based on what some people have said. During when the time when we were picking a resort, i DID try to tell her maybe it wasn't such a great idea anymore. she then told me that doing her wedding then was her only chance at having a beautiful wedding. basically she thinks its the only time her FI will marry her. she doesn't want to take the chance that he will change his mind. crazy i know. on that level, i feel more bad for her than anything else.

as for the suggestion about doing it at different resorts, that would not work so well because we have the same friends and even overlap in bridesmaids, so it made more sense to have them at the same place, rather than splitting people up. one reason i said yes to begin with is because i was already feeling a little bad that she was shelling out money to come to my wedding and i know she doesn't make a lot of money. i know it was her choice to come, but i also knew she felt obligated and was going to come no matter what. so when she suggested her wedding, my first thought was "now i won't feel bad about her paying to come to mine since she is going for her wedding". and i didn;t think it through after that, which i what i regret. perhaps had i come online and asked annonymous people (like here), i might have got some perspective. i know i can't do anything now (we already booked).

i appreciate the comments, it does help to hear what everyone thinks. and i like the comment that said i should just remember that if i told her no, then i would be more of a biatch. so really since she asked, it was out of my hands! (at least i am telling myself that now, so please don't disagree!!)

emilyinchile · December 2010

Aegrish, I agree, which is why my first words were that this friend is "weird and kind of rude." But the fact of the matter is that while OP could have said the word "no" in response to her friend asking, she can't actually stop the girl from doing whatever she wants. And I don't think someone who wants to get married during the trip for your destination wedding is a particularly considerate friend anyway even though she did ask OP, so your point is moot.

i think i made a bad mistake agreeing to this :(

Re: i think i made a bad mistake agreeing to this :(

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