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Dealing with in-laws w/o letting past feelings get in the way./ venting

tunaep11tunaep11
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in Moms and Maids
I will start by apologizing for the length of this post... sorry a girl's got to vent.

My FI's family is a blended family, both sides do not get along very well. We have been dating for over 6 years and he recently just proposed. Over these last 6 yrs. his family has been "less that cordial" to me. His father has always been nice but his step mom has always throughout our relationship thrown out a lot of back-handed comments and hurtful things and tries to explain it by saying that "she just grew up in a different time" His mother is an incredbly close-minded and manipulative woman. Since we started dating she never made it a secret about her families contempt for her son dating a person of mixed race (my mother is of german decent and my dad is from puerto rico.) They ahve even gone so far as to say very nasty and racist things about my parents, my brother and sister, and myself.
       My FI has repeatedly asked them to keep their comments to themselves and even gotten into several fights w/ his family b/c of the way they treated me. Now that we are in the beginning stages of our wedding we are both entertaining the idea of going to puerto rico for our wedding, but are having trouble resigning ourselves with the fact that alot of his family wont be able to attend b/c of money. I asked him if he was okay with that, and he said its what he wanted. But obviously there is no easy way out of this.
       Is anybpdy else having serious issues with their FIL's???? Are we wrong thinking that we should just go to PR like we want and tell everbody else that if they want to be there they need to start saving???
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Re: Dealing with in-laws w/o letting past feelings get in the way./ venting

  • LoveMuffinsLoveMuffins member
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    edited December 2011
    Go to PR, send out the save the dates waaaaaaay in advance. which is basically the nicer way of saying "start saving" lol. If it's what your FI wants and what you want, then do it. It seems silly to stress out over this decision when you've already asked your FI how he feels and he's more than just ok with it, it's what he actively wants to do.
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  • FutureJilliannDFutureJilliannD member
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    edited December 2011
    It sounds like your FI is an awesome and supportive guy despite his family's issues. He wants to have an amazing wedding with you and told you so. I say have a great time in PR! :)
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  • MairePoppyMairePoppy mod
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    edited December 2011
    I read in another post that you have family in Puerto Rico. So no matter where you have your wedding, some family members are going to have to travel. If your family is more supportive and you and fi want to get married in PR, then that's what you should do.

    Give everyone plenty of advance notice to save up for the trip.

    You and fi should avoid any family members that continue to make racist remarks about you. The offenders have been put on notice about this behaviour already, so ignorance is not an excuse.


                       
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  • tunaep11tunaep11
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    edited December 2011
    thanks for the support ladies!!!
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  • lucy2113lucy2113 member
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    edited December 2011
    GO!Laughing  He told you thats what he would like to do and you know you want to do it, so, do it! Enjoy your time together in PR!
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  • marinabreezemarinabreeze
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    edited December 2011
    Definitely go to PR if that's what you guys would like to do :-).

    It seems like your FI has stood up for you, which is definitely a good sign.  I would also say that the excuses are BS.  I am black mixed with a few other things, and my FI is white.  Both his family and mine have ancestral roots in the South and are therefore a product of their time.  He and I have shared stories about how our family memers have said pretty racist things in their time.  I spend a lot of time around his family and they have never said one racist word to me or treated me anything but loving and respectful in the time he and I have been together.  Same with my family towards him.  And both our families fully support our marriage. 

    I'm sorry that your FILs are like this.  I suggest that if they can't respect you, you and your FI can choose not to be around them.  You are not obligated to put yourself in the position to be disrespected, and your FI should also honor you by following suit until they at least show you enough respect to keep their thoughts to themselves. 

    One other thing, you might want to check out the interracial board (under "cultural boards").  There are a number of people in that community who have had similar experiences to yours, and having participated in that board myself, it's a good, supportive group :-).
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  • ki10ki10 member
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    edited December 2011
    Hey, if he's into going to Puerto Rico, that just means that his family that can't afford/won't make the effort to attend won't spend the day making you two miserable. And for those who do make the effort despite their misgivings, they're likely to learn many wonderful things about the country and people that will help their image of you and general racism. I know that's a crazily optimistic thing to say, but I figure the relatives who are open enough to even visit Puerto Rico for your FI are more open to letting new worldviews in.
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  • sister2groomsister2groom
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    edited December 2011
    Usually I'm not a fan of destination weddings if it means family can't make it. But if it's family who are manipulative and hateful towards you, I would almost vote to have it in Puerto Rico JUST so they wouldn't come. Fortunately you actually WANT to have it there, so avoiding them is NOT your only reason, so go for it.
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