Wedding Party

Ex's in the wedding party...

Ok, so I have chosen my bridesmaids, except for 1.  The one I want to have is my fiance's brothers ex girlfriend of 2 years.  They were young when they broke up (19 and 20), but I remained good friends with her after their break up, and consider her a very good friend.  The ex says it would be akward if I had her in the wedding, but I really would like to, what should I do?  

Re: Ex's in the wedding party...

  • It sounds like they are friends and you are friends. I don't see what the issue is. Why would it be weird for her? You can always just ask her and see what she wants to do.
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  • I would talk to FI's brother first.  They should be adult enough to be able to be civil around each other, but I would still want to know how he felt about it before asking.  How long has it been since they broke up? 

    When you said the ex said it would be uncomfortable, did you mean this girl or the brother?  If the girl said it would be uncomfortable, I'd say that was her way of politely declining. 
  • Sorry, by ex, I meant the Fiance's brother, who is the potential bridesmaids ex.  They aren't enemies but don't talk...drama!
  • Ask the brother.  These things are very personal to the particular relationship.  I'm going to be my ex's 'best woman' this spring.  His fiancée is fine with it; some people who hear about it think it's the most horrible thing they've ever heard, just because they don't have the same relationship with their exes.  That said, be sensitive to the fact that she may been trying to politely decline being in the wedding for other reasons.  She may also be afraid of the reaction of the rest of your FI's family.  (I've gotten the impression that my ex's fiancee's mom is one of the people who's less than thrilled about me standing up for him)
  • Just saw your clarification- in this case, I'd probably let it go, unless I was really attached to having her in the wedding.  If so, talk to the brother, explain that she may be HIS ex, but she's also YOUR friend, and ask him if he thinks he'd be able to avoid bringing the drama.  I'd also ensure that she wasn't going to bring the drama either and make it clear that doing so will result in being cut from the wedding.
  • I thought you said that they're friends....
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  • If it's going to cause a lot of drama, then no.  But if they can both be adults about it, then yes.

    I dated one of the GMs.  Needless to say, there is no bad blood there.
  • Ditto the PPs.  If it won't cause drama, go for it.  I'd talk to them both about it, though.  It's not always weird- we're inviting my ex boyfriend to the wedding.  FI and the ex get along great, and we have dinner together whenever the ex is in town.  No biggie.
  • I think that as long as she didnt cheat on him with your FI, then FI's brother needs to respect that she is your friend and get over himself. It was 2 years ago for goodness sake. I don't like some of my exes from longer ago, but if they were in one of my sibling's circle of friends, then too bad for me. I'd just suck it up and be mature about it for one day. Its not like you are making htem stand anywhere near each other, or dance together... are you?
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  • Talk to the brother first. Even if he is being a tad overdramatic about not wanting her in the wedding, I think you need to consider his feelings because he'll be part of your family soon. (I didn't vote because I don't think there's a clear answer here if you haven't spoken to the brother yet.)

    I'm not saying to ditch a good friend just because of what someone else thinks. I'm just pointing out that pissing off a future family member is also not a good thing. Especially if your parents-in-law and other siblings-in-law take his side. Could make future family events quite uncomfortable for you.

    If that's the case, maybe a compromise would be to ask her to do a reading. Or, include her as a bridesmaid, but don't pair her and the brother up. Also, don't require any pre-wedding bridal party get-togethers, don't have a head table and don't do a bridal party dance (which I don't think ANYONE should do, frankly).
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  • One of my bridesmaids dropped out of the wedding because I invited her ex as a guest to my wedding.  It should be noted that they dated as teenagers YEARS ago and she's currently married to someone else with a child, so all parties involved think that the crazy train passed through her stop on this one.... but nonetheless, I probably could have found out her opinion on the issue before she exploded on me by talking to her about her comfort level first.  I don't think the end result would have been different, but it might have been less dramatic.

    My point is, you should talk to the family member before asking the girl, just to get his feelings clear on the issue, but ultimately do what feels right to you- not what someone else tells you to do.
  • You cant choose family, but you choose your friends. That's the beauty of friends. 
    You said you have been friends w/ her for 2yrs...it must be b/c she has qualities you like, trust, etc. Sure, you dont want to offend your future bro-n-law, but what about YOUR peeps & feelings? 
    After the wedding will you look at our pics & wish she was standing there as your attentendant? If so, then consider asking her as your BM.  
    You can always ask her if she would feel comfortable being in your wedding and take it from there. Hopefully it will work out for everyone. 
    ~best wishes. 
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