Wedding Woes

Sibling Conflict

I'm looking for general advice and possibly a new outlook on this situation:

Last year, Fiance's sister got engaged and planned a wedding for two years past (this coming summer). Fiance has 4 other siblings- all in serious relationships- since before and after that engagement. Since that sibling's engagement, one other sibling and him and I also got engaged. The second sibling to get engaged chose a date following the first sibling's date later in the year (fall). Once we got engaged, we realized that we would have to choose a two year engagement or have a shorter engagement (we prefer the shorter engagement). Fiance is very close with his siblings, especially sibling 1, and decided to ask their opinion on the matter of our wedding date, upon which we were told that having a wedding date before the first-engaged-sibling is stepping on toes. Is this true?

I come from a family of 4 girls, 2 married, and witnessed a bit of the planning through them, and although I can understand the wish to be married first, I believe that your day is your day, not reserved for the entire length of your engagement, especially if you choose 2 years long to be engaged.

Since this fiasco, we laid out earlier options, and even went with a date we weren't thrilled over since the first sibling preferred a certain date that wasn't one that we mentioned, without choosing the following year, because I felt that it was wrong to postpone a marriage an extra year only to make one sibling happy while each of fiance and my families are larger. Even through choosing that date just for this sibling, they are continuing to be unhappy and spiteful, focusing much attention on the second sibling's engagement and ignoring ours. It's awful to have this bad stigma surrounding your wedding and your family. Am I wrong here? Should I have just chosen a 2 year engagement and gotten married later to make that sibling happy? Or are they just crazy?

Re: Sibling Conflict

  • I think it has to go both ways here. They need to have some consideration towards you and your fience, as they were the ones who choose to wait 2 years before getting married. Also, they should realize that you guys are in love and want to get married just as much as they do, why postpone if you don't have a reason to?
    I can understand where they are coming from, they were engaged first, they should be the first to marry, and I think you need to recognize that as well.
    This is a hard situation, on one hand you are excited and want to walk down the ilse, on the other hand it can be seen as 'stealing the first couples thunder'.
    I guess it comes down to how long ago did you get engaged? If it has been months already, I don't see why you couldn't get married before them. You shouldn't have to wait. But if the engagement is fairly new, maybe you should wait until late fall/winter, or if your heart is set on a summer wedding, wait until 2014.
    Sorry, that was long winded. It is a tough spot to be in.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Thanks for the advice!

    We became engaged at the begining of Dec. 2012, so we're newly engaged. We've been dating for two years though and knew for some time that we were planning to get married, we just didn't want to finance a ring, so we waited until it could be afforded to be engaged. We've always talked about a summer wedding, and we entertained the thought of summer 2014, but we realized the only thing keeping us from summer 2013 was this sibling's wish to be the first to be married. 

    I understand we have a short engagement, but if we are putting it into a timeline of importance, my fiance and I have been together far longer than the first sibling (they only dated two months before being engaged).

    We aren't planning on anything huge like the other sibling, and are having a family-only small wedding in our backyard of our new home. I understand that they want to be the first to be married, but we aren't thinking of it like that at all, we just want to be married to be able to plan for starting a family, financing our home, business planning, etc. I feel like it's your choice on how long your engagement is and when your date is, and if we were trying to steal their date that would be one thing, but going before them when they were the first to choose dates isn't wrong. What do you think?
  • Oh man, this is so hard!
    So I'm just going to ramble some more...maybe their will be advice in there, maybe not! But here it goes...
    A wedding is a very personable thing. In my opinion anyways. Generally its not a cookie cutter type event. Everyone has their own twists and such. So quite frankly, you should be able to choose when you get married. Its your engagement, your marriage, and your day. (your as in you and your fience.)
    BUT I am very close with my brothers, and the one is in a serious relationship. I am the oldest child, and was in my relationship only a few months prior to my brothers relationship starting. And I can honestly say, if he had gotten engaged after I did, I would be quite angry if they picked a date sooner than ours. At the same time, I know he wouldn't consider that. This is my time to shine. My parents wouldn't have gone for it either.
    So, in closing, if I took a step back and looked at the situation from your point of view, I would say do what you want. Its your day. I can totally understand wanting to be married so you can start your life together. But I can also look at it from the siblings point of view, and really I think they should get married first. (Even though you guys were the smart ones, and decided to wait on buying a ring until you could afford it!)
    Siblings are meant to love eachother. When it is all said and done, no matter which route you choose, the anger will pass, and the love will be back.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited January 2013
    Thanks- I'm glad you have slightly my opposite perpective! Would you forgive your brother if he went ahead and chose to get married before you? Would you hate his fiance then? I think my fiance is much like your brother in that at first we didn't even discuss this as an option until my family started asking questions like "why are waiting so long?" and we would respond with our only answer as that sibling... and my family was left very unimpressed.
  • The other advice is not good, each of you only get a day for a wedding.  They made the choice to have a very long engagement, and that's fine.  But they seriously cannot expect no other family members to get married for 2 years, actually longer cause they won't want it being right after their's either! Get married when you want to.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:0e5bcfec-08bc-4548-92ec-2eaf7a2cfc60">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]The other advice is not good, each of you only get a day for a wedding.  They made the choice to have a very long engagement, and that's fine.  But they seriously cannot expect no other family members to get married for 2 years, actually longer cause they won't want it being right after their's either! Get married when you want to.
    Posted by pegasuskat[/QUOTE]

    <div>That was my original thought as well, which I held off on just for respect for my fiance until he started mentioning the same thoughts. I feel as if it's a sibling battle that completely forgets that other people and other families are involved, and it's no longer just between a brother and sister.</div>
  • Of course I would forgive my brother, and no I wouldn't hate his fience. I love her dearly. Although, if I didn't like his fience from the start then I may hold it against her.
    You do have to think of your family as well. They are excited for you I'm sure and wouldn't want you to hesitate on picking a date.

    In the end, I truely believe all will work out as it should. Go with your heart. You love the guy...marry him! How does your fience feel about all of this?
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:9e95f490-b64a-4a6b-8bf0-e49e0ae2b4c0">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]Of course I would forgive my brother, and no I wouldn't hate his fience. I love her dearly. Although, if I didn't like his fience from the start then I may hold it against her. You do have to think of your family as well. They are excited for you I'm sure and wouldn't want you to hesitate on picking a date. In the end, I truely believe all will work out as it should. Go with your heart. You love the guy...marry him! How does your fience feel about all of this?
    Posted by Samby86[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I can tell that it hurts him to have to choose what he is excited about and in turn "ruining" his best-friend-sibling's day (according to them). Originally, we did not consider 2013 because fiance predicted that this would be an issue, but further into planning it became apparent that we were both compromising for one single person- that sibling. Now he is stuck feeling hurt and betrayed while still feeling caught in between his sibling and me and my family (and his wishes). It especially hurts him that they are glofiying the other sibling's wedding planning and shunning ours. It's really not fair to him.</div>
  • If his whole family is shunning you because of a 1 year gap between weddings, then you have a bigger problem.  You are going to have to live with this family forever, put your feet down now and don't be pushed around.  Next it will be the first child or house, or who know's what.  It literally will never end.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:6b260172-c22d-4d40-8fcd-fbbd23c77741">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Conflict : I can tell that it hurts him to have to choose what he is excited about and in turn "ruining" his best-friend-sibling's day (according to them). Originally, we did not consider 2013 because fiance predicted that this would be an issue, but further into planning it became apparent that we were both compromising for one single person- that sibling. Now he is stuck feeling hurt and betrayed while still feeling caught in between his sibling and me and my family (and his wishes). It especially hurts him that they are glofiying the other sibling's wedding planning and shunning ours. It's really not fair to him.
    Posted by Roxy76434[/QUOTE]

    You are totally right. Not fair to him. They need to be giving him some attention and praise, after all he found the love of his life, and that is rare!
    I'm sorry you have to deal with this!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:9549f377-3fb7-487b-916d-7a0dab43662f">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]If his whole family is shunning you because of a 1 year gap between weddings, then you have a bigger problem.  You are going to have to live with this family forever, put your feet down now and don't be pushed around.  Next it will be the first child or house, or who know's what.  It literally will never end.
    Posted by pegasuskat[/QUOTE]

    <div>The rest of his family is on our side, not that sibling's. Everyone kind of thinks that they are being ridiculous. The only issue that that one sibling is my fiance's most important family member.</div>
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited January 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:9d4a4aeb-428a-4c9a-8e66-9a594c032367">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]Oh man, this is so hard! So I'm just going to ramble some more...maybe their will be advice in there, maybe not! But here it goes... A wedding is a very personable thing. In my opinion anyways. Generally its not a cookie cutter type event. Everyone has their own twists and such. So quite frankly, you should be able to choose when you get married. Its your engagement, your marriage, and your day. (your as in you and your fience.) BUT I am very close with my brothers, and the one is in a serious relationship. I am the oldest child, and was in my relationship only a few months prior to my brothers relationship starting. And I can honestly say, if he had gotten engaged after I did, I would be quite angry if they picked a date sooner than ours. At the same time, I know he wouldn't consider that. This is my time to shine. My parents wouldn't have gone for it either. So, in closing, if I took a step back and looked at the situation from your point of view, I would say do what you want. Its your day. I can totally understand wanting to be married so you can start your life together. But I can also look at it from the siblings point of view, and really I think they should get married first. (Even though you guys were the smart ones, and decided to wait on buying a ring until you could afford it!) Siblings are meant to love eachother. When it is all said and done, no matter which route you choose, the anger will pass, and the love will be back.
    Posted by Samby86[/QUOTE]
    the stupidity^^^ is making my head hurt. <div>
    </div><div>to the OP: just sit down with your fiance. and pick a date. if the two of you plan to host your wedding, you can do it whenever you wish. Do not ask for input ot permisson from anyone. </div><div>you get ONE day (unless you get married more than once) - same with your FSILs, and everyone else. if they have an issue with the two of you choosing to have a short engagement and getting married first, then they need to find a way to deal with those feelings. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. </div><div>Getting engaged/pregnant first does not allow you to dictate that your friends and families put their lives on hold until you get married/have a baby. Unfortunately, many people seem to take this stance. </div><div>also, keep in mind that nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. your FSILs are probably just fawning over each other's weddings to push your buttons. ignore it and stop discussing wedding planning with them. </div>
  • I hope you realize that this sibling will resent you for becoming pregnant first, buying a home first, or getting a puppy first.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:8774845f-9ecc-40d8-a329-01bd0107600c">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Conflict : the stupidity^^^ is making my head hurt.  to the OP: just sit down with your fiance. and pick a date. if the two of you plan to host your wedding, you can do it whenever you wish. Do not ask for input ot permisson from anyone.  you get ONE day (unless you get married more than once) - same with your FSILs, and everyone else. if they have an issue with the two of you choosing to have a short engagement and getting married first, then they need to find a way to deal with those feelings. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  Getting engaged/pregnant first does not allow you to dictate that your friends and families put their lives on hold until you get married/have a baby. Unfortunately, many people seem to take this stance.  also, keep in mind that nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. your FSILs are probably just fawning over each other's weddings to push your buttons. ignore it and stop discussing wedding planning with them. 
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with Barbie.  You get one day.  Your FI's sibling gets one day.  It's their problem if they have an issue, not yours.  I'd be ticked if I planned a wedding and my sister told me she was getting married a week before me, but as long as there is somewhat of a gap (for traveling family members), I think it's fine if you plan your wedding first if that's what's best for you and your FI.</div><div>
    </div><div>Good luck!</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:8774845f-9ecc-40d8-a329-01bd0107600c">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sibling Conflict : the stupidity^^^ is making my head hurt.  to the OP: just sit down with your fiance. and pick a date. if the two of you plan to host your wedding, you can do it whenever you wish. Do not ask for input ot permisson from anyone.  you get ONE day (unless you get married more than once) - same with your FSILs, and everyone else. if they have an issue with the two of you choosing to have a short engagement and getting married first, then they need to find a way to deal with those feelings. IT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.  Getting engaged/pregnant first does not allow you to dictate that your friends and families put their lives on hold until you get married/have a baby. Unfortunately, many people seem to take this stance.  also, keep in mind that nobody is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are. your FSILs are probably just fawning over each other's weddings to push your buttons. ignore it and stop discussing wedding planning with them. <div>
    </div><div>
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]</div><div>
    </div><div>I gave her views from both sides. Its opinions. Never stated one was right and the other was wrong, but so awesome that you hold the right answer...

    </div>
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Don't put your life on hold because they chose to have a long engagement. That's just crazy. Plan a suitable time buffer so oot guests could easily go to both.
  • Barbie has the right answer.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_sibling-conflict?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:4ea3c710-0468-468c-b282-e09b9e7a1548Post:1cc1fdb1-f6f0-47b8-938d-4dc81369d8a3">Re: Sibling Conflict</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>I think it has to go both ways here.</strong> Posted by Samby86[/QUOTE]

    <em>that's what she said
    </em>
  • edited January 2013
    The thing is, there's no spotlight to steal, which is what your FSIL seems to be worried about. People have room in their hearts to be excited about multiple things at once. It's not an all or nothing kind of thing. Also, I don't know anybody who was all "ZOMG you're getting married yayayayayay!!!" for someone else's entire engagement. People have lives, other things to think about, so it's silly to be worried about nobody paying attention to you all the time. Getting married is exciting, but people do it every day, it's not the second coming of Jesus. 

    My two best friends got engaged after me, but got married before me. We chose a long engagement, why should I expect others to put their lives on hold? It's not a competition. My best friend/ cousin got engaged before me, but I got married before she did, because H and I just picked a date that worked best for us and our friends and family. I don't feel my friends stole anything from me, and my cousin doesn't feel I stole anything from her, because there was nothing to steal. You get one day, so does your FSIL, and if she's upset that a family member doesn't want to wait 2 years to get married just so she can be "first" that's her problem, not yours, because it's a ridiculous thing to be upset about. 
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