Lazy Bridesmaids

laurencholmes · December 2010

Hi Ladies,

I have an inquiry. I'm currently a bride and so is my best friend. Helping planning her wedding has been a learning experience as well as fun. Here's my problem. I'm her bridesmaid and she's had a really rough wedding experience (wedding dress torn by her sister on purpose (who is a BM), FH buying really expensive stuff, having her credit card stolen, her fiance lying about something, and getting cut hours on her job) any time something happens she caller her maid of honor (who never shows) then she calls me. I don't have an issue with it, except we've done all the wedding favors and invites ourselves. My question is, where is the rest of the bridal party? I understand that it's not my place to get on to them about helping her, but I hate to see my best friend so stressed out while her bridal party sits on the sidelines. I've tried to gently recruit them for help with stuff, but it hasn't worked. Am I overstepping my boundaries? Thanks ladies, happy planning.

Sincerely,

Lauren

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

Yeah, as bridesmaids they aren't required to take care of her problems or plan her wedding. As friends? Yeah that's kinda shitty if they aren't there when she's having a hard time, but I would stay out of it.

saisongbird · December 2010

I agree with PP. It's sh*tty that as friends, the girls haven't stepped up. But as bridesmaids? They haven't done anything wrong.

ETA: With the exception of the BM ripping the brides' dress. That's pretty f*cked up.

kellyjellybelly · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lazy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2be750d4-9a5f-4a6a-acdd-84e58156c5bcPost:01d66d84-9abd-4d40-8c34-1f56d971472b">Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, I have an inquiry. I'm currently a bride and so is my best friend. Helping planning her wedding has been a learning experience as well as fun. Here's my problem. I'm her bridesmaid and she's had a really rough wedding experience (wedding dress torn by her sister on purpose (who is a BM), FH buying really expensive stuff, having her credit card stolen, her fiance lying about something, and getting cut hours on her job) any time something happens she caller her maid of honor (who never shows) then she calls me. I don't have an issue with it, except we've done all the wedding favors and invites ourselves. My question is, where is the rest of the bridal party? I understand that it's not my place to get on to them about helping her, but I hate to see my best friend so stressed out while her bridal party sits on the sidelines. I've tried to gently recruit them for help with stuff, but it hasn't worked. Am I overstepping my boundaries? Thanks ladies, happy planning. Sincerely, Lauren
Posted by laurencholmes[/QUOTE]<div>Yeah, if that was my sister, heads would roll.</div><div>Also, sounds like she needs to have a major talk with her FI about spending habits and lying. It's not going to get better after the wedding.

</div>

Simply Fated · December 2010

They aren't required to help with the wedding, but it's a nice gesture if you offer. You have already gone above and beyond.

Honestly, this sounds like it might be more of a friendship issue this girl has and not really a bridesmaid issue, ya know?

eastunder1 · December 2010

Are these her close friends to begin with? If so, then theyre being pretty jerky, watching someone they care about go through hard times and not inquire how they can help or make her life easier. If they aren't that close to begin with (random family obligation bridesmaids, old college friends, OOT-ers) then just the fact they are BMs in her wedding doesn't mean they have to drop everything and run to her side if their level of personal closeness doesn't warrant it. This is a friend issue. This has nothing to do with having a wedding party title or not.

jemmini6 · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lazy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2be750d4-9a5f-4a6a-acdd-84e58156c5bcPost:01d66d84-9abd-4d40-8c34-1f56d971472b">Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Ladies, I have an inquiry. I'm currently a bride and so is my best friend. Helping planning her wedding has been a learning experience as well as fun. Here's my problem. I'm her bridesmaid and she's had a really rough wedding experience (wedding dress torn by her sister on purpose (who is a BM), <strong>FH buying really expensive stuff</strong>, having her credit card stolen, <strong>her fiance lying about something</strong>, and getting cut hours on her job) any time something happens she caller her maid of honor (who never shows) then she calls me. I don't have an issue with it, except we've done all the wedding favors and invites ourselves. My question is, where is the rest of the bridal party? I understand that it's not my place to get on to them about helping her, but I hate to see my best friend so stressed out while her bridal party sits on the sidelines. I've tried to gently recruit them for help with stuff, but it hasn't worked. Am I overstepping my boundaries? Thanks ladies, happy planning. Sincerely, Lauren
Posted by laurencholmes[/QUOTE]

This sounds like a bigger problem than none of the other bridesmaids helping with favors or whatnot. A wedding is just one day, the bolded parts are HUGE issues that will probably cause major problems in their marriage. I would worry about being her friend first and helping her focus on fixing these issues with her FI. That will be much more beneficial to her in the long run than helping with invites.

squirrly · December 2010

I think if you just asked the other BMs if they wanted to help and they declined, you're fine. But don't pressure, ask repeatedly, or try to guilt them into it.

And yeah. Her other BMs sort of sound like they suck, and she and her FI need to get on the same page, asap.

ckonidak · December 2010

Everything PP said. Just keep being a good friend to her, and maybe gently suggest that she and the FI need to figure out their bigger problems before the wedding day. Those issues need more attention than the favors.

Summer2011Bride · December 2010

I agree with PP's. This is a friend problem, not a BM one.

As far as you go, I'd stay out of it. It's crappy they're not being good friends, but as BM's, they aren't obligated to help with this stuff.

If you feel you want to try to get them involved, ALL I would say is "Hey girls, just to let you know ____(bride) and I are working on her ______ (fill in task--invites, favors, etc.) on this date and this time. We'd love your help if you're not busy or if you just want to stop by and chat with us while we work on them." This is non-invasive, not in-your-face but it gives them the opportunity if they want it and keeps them included. If they choose to not help, so be it.

Hopefully as friends they step up and are there for her when she needs it.

MrsTucker2011 · December 2010

This doesn't sound like a bridesmaid problem, it seems like a friend problem. Maybe you're just the reliable one so she knows she can count on you. If it's wedding related, I see no problem trying to get the other BMs involved.

MyNameIsNot · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_lazy-bridesmaids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:2be750d4-9a5f-4a6a-acdd-84e58156c5bcPost:5dc0d3f3-e13f-4019-a545-eaafd7602fa8">Re: Lazy Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Lazy Bridesmaids : This sounds like a bigger problem than none of the other bridesmaids helping with favors or whatnot. A wedding is just one day, the bolded parts are HUGE issues that will probably cause major problems in their marriage. I would worry about being her friend first and helping her focus on fixing these issues with her FI. That will be much more beneficial to her in the long run than helping with invites.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I can't help but wonder if the friends are being distant and disinterested because they see the writing on the wall. </div>

MissOwl · December 2010

good for you for being there for her. i'm sure she appreciates it more than you could ever know. just keep trying to recruit the others. be sure to thank them every time the offer to do anything extra. sometimes a little praise or encouragement can go a long way.

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