Not inviting my own mother

aklapatch27 · December 2009

First off this is very difficult to explain so I will start off with some background. My mother and I have not been close for about ten years now, the only time we talk seems to be when we are fighting. It's much easier just not to talk, but then again I still get her snarky remarks through text (always started on her behalf). When I first told her I got engaged she just changed the subject to talk about her new boyfriend. It has been like this most of my life and I have learned that nothing I do is good enough. When we do talk (which hasn't been for 6 months) it's about nothing important just enough to valididate that we are still mother and daughter. The thing is I feel horrible that I don't want to invite her to my own wedding but I was married very shortly previously and she ended up storming off b/c the pics were delayed b/c of weather. Also she complained the brief 20 mins she was there about my dad's family. She often lacks any positive remarks, even if everything seems to be just dandy. Everything is about her and for once in my life I would like to have something go right and not have her complaining. She also wouldn't know anyone since my parents are divorced and wouldn't be caught dead in the same room without a judge. I am very, very, very close to my dad and I consider myself lucky but I know my mom would be extremely hurt if she found out my Vegas wedding really wasn't an elopement but planned for almost a year. I'm afraid my mom and dad would end up fighting and or my uncle would say something to get her going (he's a bit blunt). I think if I don't invite her this will be the end of our relationship forever, not even any fighting. My mom isn't some crazy lady on drugs or anything but a very selfish woman in her 50's that thinks everyone around her is wrong. By the way I'm not the only child she pushed away. It hurts me very much that we can't even talk and I have hoped for a long time now that my apologies would fix everything but really there's not much I can apologize for. I really appreciate those of you who read this, please help me figure out what to do. I know in the end she is the woman that gave birth to me and for that I thank her but every time I talk to her it ends in tears.

sudslover · December 2009

I'm so sorry your mother is such a problem. I understand you wanting to separate yourself from your mom's behavior and not invite her to your wedding. But, if you don't include her, you had better be prepared to lose all connection with her, if she gets that upset. Can you deal with that?

An option is to tell her of your plans, that your father and his family will be there and state that you need her support. If she doesn't think she can be positive with her comments and actions, then you would understand if she couldn't join you. If you are not comfortable doing that, write her a letter.

Stop apologizing. Obviously you are a lovable person who is cared about by others. Your mother has the problems, and you were not the one to cause them. You are worthy of a wedding that is joyful and free of mother-caused grief.

All parents are not good parents, and you should not have to put up with your mom's bad behavior. There are many people who have had to break contact with their parent because of nasty, hurtful or just plain bad behavior.

I'm afraid that if you don't take care of this now, you will not enjoy your wedding planning or your wedding. I really wish you the best.

dianenjnj · December 2009

sudslover said it all! great post

Muffin'sMom · December 2009

I wanted you to know that I understand completely about your mother. I think yours and mine are probably sisters separated at birth I am going to answer you both as a mother...and as a daughter.

We invited my mother to my daughters wedding,even though she had not spoken to me in 6 months. My daughter tried everything she could think of to communicate with her grandparents, even though they were ignoring me. It did no good. While she was hurt that her grandmother did not attend, she also admits to being relieved. We had a wonderful, drama free day...spent surrounded by people who love us and know how to show it.

Mostly, I wanted to say to you that I have tried for most of my adult life to make my relationsip with my mother work...each time slapped down. She says she loves me and we'll start over, but each time something else in her life goes wrong, I become her target again. The situation with the wedding finally pushed me over the edge. I won't do it anymore.

Know that your worth and happiness shouldn't be threatened by someone elses inability to see past themselves. You deserve that day surrounded by love, laughter, and joy, and if she can't get on board...leave her out Family does not have to be related by blood...just by heart. Do what you need to do for you.

If you need someone to talk to...I'm here.

handfast4me · December 2009

I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this, but I'm very happy that you've recognized that the problems are not yours, they're your mom's. That being said, I've not had this problem, but my DH has cut his dad completely out of his life, due to a variety of issues. His dad tried to initiate contact last year, and we talked a long time about the pros and cons of responding. In the end, we decided to not respond, and to continue our "no contact" rule. He is a toxic person, and we've decided that we need to protect ourselves.

So, if, after considering the pros and cons, whatever you decide will be the best decision you could make at the time.

Best wishes.

aklapatch27 · December 2009

Thank you everyone for your advice, I really appreciate you taking the time to help. This has bothered me for some time now and I just thought I was being a horrible daughter.

Originally I thought I would just not tell her all together when we were planning to get married but I think I will now write her a letter to explain my feelings and let her know we are getting married in June. I think this way my emotions won't get in the way and unintensionally start a fight. Then I can only wait and see what her response will be. If she is understanding and seems to respond without belittleing me then I will officially invite her. I hate to say this but I have little optimisum, but i guess at least I'm not giving up completely. It's crazy how as a daughter I have to be the bigger person.

Thanks again everyone, you are amazing people!!!

psichick · December 2009

as harsh as this sounds, i would not invite her. yes, she is your mother. but it doesn't sound like she's a very good mother. and if her presence is going to potentially ruin your day, then she should not be there.

we only want people who love and care about us at our wedding. we do not want drama, nor do we want negative people. i think most people want the same thing.

and as harsh as this sounds, you don't owe her anything just because she gave birth to you. if she's spent the past 10 years being highly negative and barely having anything to do with you then it doesn't sound much like she really cherishes that you are her child.

so do what is best for YOU, not her. if that means not inviting her, then so be it. yes it's a bit of a selfish move, but personally i have no room in my life for anyone so negative or toxic, regardless of who they are.

tiffany bailey · December 2009

I will also say that it seems as though our mothers were twins separated at birth. I myself am battling with this same issue. My mother has been wonderful at playing that both mother and father role(since I have never had a father). This makes having her there so much more important to me. Because of the father thing I will be having my brother give me away. The advise I have been given ranges from cancel the wedding and elope, to inviting her and taking all responsibility away form her. In the beginning we had planned to have her marry us(she is ordained). Now because of some current events we have chosen to use a different minister.

Please understand that we have 8children between us. We only have one that is both ours. This in itself makes this wedding very hard to plan and much NEEDED advise.

When I was pregnant with my son(3years ago) my mother almost ran me down with her car (at 8months pregnant) and had threatened to beat me with a 2x4. I know that many of you are thinking she is just plain crazy. There is no drug abuse, no cigarettes, no substances at all. On the other hand, she travels to different countries and spreads the word of god. She dedicates most all of her time to preaching the word of god and helping others. As a child she would take me and my other two siblings to church, then take us home and beat us till we had no breathe. We spent most of our days at school in the coulnciler's office making excuses why we had bruises and broken bones.
With this said..in the past 10years we have all grown up and escaped her MOOD SWINGS and violent behavior. She has shown herself to be a better person(with no regrets). In this present day we do communicate, often it is her speaking her mind and belittling me and everything I do. I too and a strong willed person and do not let her continue her harsh statements and hateful attitude.
So my problem just as yours, is do I invite her? If I do I take the risk of being stressed with everything she says and does, how she treats everyone there, is she going to make a scene, basically what will our guest and family walk away remembering(the wedding or my mother)? If I don't invite her, I do not think I will lose her forever. I do think it will cause a huge gap and many more fights in the future. This decision will sadden me and I don't think it would be complete without the woman that raised me both as a mother and a father. When I was a child and teen I treated her awful, maybe this is what I deserve? On the other hand I have changed, and she continues to change from a wicked person to god's helper.
thank you everyone.

handfast4me · December 2009

Tiffany--I am so sorry for your situation, too. I can hear the pain in your writing. You, like the OP, need to weigh the pros and cons of inviting your mom, and in the end, make the day (and the rest of your life) special and meaningful to you. I am glad that you seem to have escaped from a cycle of abuse, and wish you the best, no matter what your decision.

shortgirltx · December 2009

I've made the decision to not invite my mom because she chose to not be in my life a couple of years ago. I spelled it out to her loud and clear what she would be missing out on if she could not respect me and she's made her choice. When she was in my life, it was only because she needed me to clean up her messes and she made it a living hell. I never knew which mother I would get every hour; would she be the happy one or the raging one angry because I didn't pick up after her? My life only revolved around her and when I tried to do otherwise, she was not happy by any means. I know she will only change when she is ready and according to her "nothing is wrong with her".

I recently met with her step mother who was inquiring if I was inviting her. She's only one of many that have given me their input. I've been called names because of it. Anyways, she said that this would hurt her (my mom) in a bad way. But you know what!?!? What about me? What about the times when I needed something and she was nowhere to be found. What about the times I have been hurt, only to be overlooked because "it could be worse". What she has done to me doesn't phase her one bit. I made the decision to stand up for myself over 2 years ago and I will continue to do so.

Weigh the pros and cons. If you decide not to invite her, people may not like your decision but they need to respect it. I was told that I would regret not inviting her but I think I will regret not standing up for myself and not standing my ground even more...she can't walk all over me like she used to.

Good luck!

Shawnee11507 · December 2009

I think everyone has said the pros and cons. I had this problem with my ex-step-dad who considers himself my "dad" but I do not.

A thought- If you are not sure about inviting her, make sure you do not mention the date or place until you are sure because you risk her showing up and making a scene.

Good luck with your decision.

clkw · February 2010

muffinsmom: awesome and wise advice! i liked hearing it from both points of view..everyone on here..i appreciate all of the advice you give each other!

we have been dealing with the fact we are not inviting FI's mom. She has never accepted our relationship and would do nothing but cause drama. It does make me quite sad that it has to be like that, but it's the reality of it all.

Not inviting my own mother

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