How to deal with parents on invitations

buddrball · April 2012

Hi all,

I have wanted to invite my first grade teacher and her hubby to my wedding for a long time. She's also a neighbor, and she's a really great lady that I've known practically my whole life. They were invited to my older sister's wedding a few years ago, but then when their son (and classmate of my sister) was married, my parents weren't invited. This really *really* pissed off my parents at the time, but I figured this would have blown over by now.

However, when I sent my Mom the draft guest list, she put "delete" next to their names. So my question for you other knot-ers is how to handle the situation.

Since they are paying for the majority of the wedding, I'm guessing the proper thing to do would be go with whatever they say. But I was wondering if anyone else has had a similar problem with disagreeing with their parents on who to invite. What did you do? Any and all advice would be really appreciated!

Thanks for your help and advice in advance!!!

aragx6 · April 2012

Your mom doesn't want to invite them because years ago they weren't invited to their kid's wedding? That's super obnoxious. Weddings aren't tit for tat.

Because your parents are paying for the wedding, at the end of the day they're responsible for the guest list and if your mom refuses to invite them there isn't much you can do aside from turning down their money and paying for the wedding yourself.

That said, I would sit down with your mom, explain that it's important to you that they be invited and hope that she comes around.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

Since your parents are paying for the wedding, you have to be selective about choosing the battles you want to fight with them. Is this the hill you want to die on? Would you be willing, if push came to shove, to forgo the funding your parents are providing to be able to invite this couple? If the answer to those questions is no, then I think you have to do what your parents want here.

ETA: And ditto Duds - your parents are being silly, but since they're the hosts, that's within their rights.

MyUserName1 · April 2012

I'd imagine that you are a LOT closer to this couple than this couple's children were to your parents. Did your parents have any relationship to this couple's kids? I think there's a pretty big difference.

adamar15 · April 2012

Tell your mom to stop being petty. Yes, she gets a say since they're paying, but she needs to show a little grace since this person is that important to you. Try explaining how important it is that you invite your teacher, and whether or not they invited your parents to their son's wedding shouldn't have any impact on your wedding.

pokepoke27 · April 2012

I know that whoever pays gets a say - but it IS OPs wedding. She should have the right to insist on someone close to her being invited. This is so petty and silly. I can understand if the neighbor did something terrible to the parents that would make them uncomfortable being around her at all - but she didn't. And for all they know, the neighbor WANTED them at the wedding but her child said no due to budget restraints or something.

I agree with PPs - you need to have a talk with your mother.

Kate61487 · April 2012

I personally feel like parents should get a say in who to ADD to the guest list, but not who to remove (unless there's an extreme case of violence or something).

Unfortunately since they're paying it could come down to either not inviting them or paying for the wedding yourself, so you may not have a choice. But I would try to sit down with your mom and explain that it's important to you they be invited.

aragx6 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_how-to-deal-with-parents-on-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:c5b9eddd-5c33-4409-ba58-32de59373c5fPost:43821a8c-7efc-4a5d-b869-762d0bd9f4c4">Re: How to deal with parents on invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally feel like parents should get a say in who to ADD to the guest list, but not who to remove (unless there's an extreme case of violence or something). <strong>Unfortunately since they're paying it could come down to either not inviting them or paying for the wedding yourself, so you may not have a choice.</strong> But I would try to sit down with your mom and explain that it's important to you they be invited.
Posted by Kate61487[/QUOTE]

Exactly and I think that's what most people mean when they say that whoever pays gets a say. In an ideal world you say "Mom, this person is really important to me so they're going to be invited despite your protestations." But in the real world there are likely some control freak parents out there who would then pull their money. Because it's their money they can, of they choose to, be huge douches and control the entire list.

How to deal with parents on invitations

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