Groomsmen/Family Drama.

gelbell22 · September 2012

I'm in need of advice... (sorry for the long post) My fiance and I just got engaged last Saturday and I had intended on waiting two weeks or so to enjoy the moment before jumping into wedding planning. However, when I told my mother about the engagement, she assumed that my younger brother (he's 18) would be a groomsman. In fact, it was one of the first things she mentioned. My fiance and family do not have the greatest of relationships. They are civil to one another and that's about as far as it goes. He likes my brother, but they've never spent time together.

I told my mother that I had intended on asking my brother to perhaps be an usher or to play the piano since he's a great musician. I told her that I was not planning on making my FI's sisters bridesmaids. She dropped the topic until I came over the next day to visit. Both she and my dad began yelling at me about how selfish I am to not include my brother in the wedding party. My dad said that asking my brother to play music at the wedding is the same as asking him to be a waiter at the reception (ummm...?). I left in tears and of course told my fiance about what had happened and he was not happy about it. (Note: A few months ago before we were engaged, my dad stated that he would not pay for the wedding. I never asked him to- it was information he volunteered at the mention of marriage.)

The next night, my fiance sent my brother a text telling him that he thought about it some more and believes that his groomsmen should consist of his closest friends and that it is obvious that he and my brother are not very close. However, he would like to get to know my brother better and he invited both my brother and his GF to dinner sometime in hopes of doing so.

No answer from my brother, but two hours later I received multiple text messages from my mother saying how dare my FI say that he didn't want my brother in the wedding, they will not be attending, to tell my FI to "F*** off" and I can just delete their numbers and forget about them. My FI saw how upset I was and sent a few not so nice texts to my mother... (which was probably wrong of him.)

This breaks my heart and I just don't understand the drama. I love my brother... I even sent him multiple texts the next day asking him if he was upset, if my mother told him not to talk to me... how he was feeling about everything (note: he never asked me if he could be a groomsman.)

Instead of enjoying my first week as someone who is newly engaged, I've just been upset and I really don't know how to resolve the situation. FI won't budge because he doesn't like how my family is treating me and my mom won't budge because that's simply her personality. Thoughts?

[Deleted User] · September 2012

Your FI should've stayed out of this, they're your family. Your brother could stand on your side, this is what my brother is doing for me. Both my FI and brother get along just fine but they're not besties. My brother is standing on my side and my FI's sister will be standing on his. But right now you have to do damage control and make sure you FI stays out of it.

emichele87 · September 2012

So it sounds like you need to let the whole topic drop for a while. Just focus on other stuff and not bring it up around your parents. Do they have a problem with your FI that you may not know about, or are they like that normally?

I think it is nice that you were considering asking your brother to play at your wedding until your parents jumped in and made a mess of it. Any way you cut this, it will probably cause tension. I'm sorry you are having to deal with all this when you should be celebrating.

Oh and your FI does not need to get in the middle again, he fights his family, you fight yours.

mamabear329 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:999a986a-97e0-47dc-9c32-7258b3532a7dPost:b4b57fb0-4736-499e-8fa6-d3cdb681954b">Re: Groomsmen/Family Drama.</a>:
[QUOTE]1. Do not count on any money from your family. Plan on paying for your wedding yourselves. 2. No one has the right to be in a wedding party. It is an honor that should be bestowed upon the chosen people by the bride and groom, not the parents. It is also an honor to be a guest at a wedding. 3. Your FI should not be in the uncomfortable position of dealing with your family squabbles. You must communicate with them yourself. No e-mails, and, for heaven's sake, stay off of facebook! 4. When your parents threaten to boycott your wedding, tell them that you are sorry, and that you will miss them at the ceremony and reception. Invite them, anyway. 5. As a professional musician, myself, it is a bit presumptuous to expect a musical performance from a family member.<strong> You should have asked your brother in person if he would be willing to perform at your wedding, not just assume he would think it was an honor to perform without pay.</strong> I do occasionally give my services as a gift to a couple, but it is MY gift, not a duty. I am often asked to perform for people who think that I might enjoy it. (Grumble!) Do lawyers enjoy court cases? Do doctors enjoy surgery? See my point? I spent many years learning my musical skills. Don't assume I will perform - ask me. (I am currently donating my services to my church because the regular organist is having hip surgery. I am happy to help, but she asked me. She even offered to pay me.) OK. Rant over.
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Uh, you do realized that OP said that she "intended on asking" her brother the perform. She made no assumption that he would do it or made it sound like it was his duty.</div><div>
</div><div>---</div><div>
</div><div>On that note; OP I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I had to deal with my mother's less than stellar reaction to my engagement (she told me she'd<em> try </em>to be happy for me), so I know how hard it can be to deal with such negativity during what is supposed to be an exciting time.</div><div>
I would suggest trying to sit down with your brother and talk in person, without either of your parents there. FInd out how he's feeling about the situation and what he's feeling about your wedding. He may not even want to be in it. As it's been said, he can stand up on your side if you really want him to. Wedding parties are about the people you love and want next to you when you get married. </div><div>
</div><div>As far as your parents go, after you've talked to your brother, I would explain to them that your fiancee has the right to choose who he wants to stand up beside him as one of his groomsmen, as you do...Since you've talked to your brother at this point, you can let them know what your decision is as far as your brother's involvement in your wedding/wedding party. If they still pitch a fit, let them know that you are sorry they feel that way and that you hope that they will be able to get past it in time for the wedding. Absolutely proceed with inviting them, it will be their decision whether or not to come. </div><div>
</div><div>How soon are you getting married? If you don't have a date yet, or it's still quite a ways away, I would let your parents know that you have not decided on wedding parties and the involvement of loved ones, but that you will be/have talked to your brother about his role, whatever it may be, when the time is right. </div>

hwoychowski · September 2012

If you JUST got engaged, uless you plan on a quicky wedding. You have a bit of time before WP's need to be picked out. Just put it on the "we'll see" list and see what happens when the smoke clears.

aerinpegadrak · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:999a986a-97e0-47dc-9c32-7258b3532a7dPost:ca29a83e-e142-4190-9c1e-1467702f3d8b">Re: Groomsmen/Family Drama.</a>:
[QUOTE]If you JUST got engaged, uless you plan on a quicky wedding. You have a bit of time before WP's need to be picked out. Just put it on the "we'll see" list and see what happens when the smoke clears.
Posted by hwoychowski[/QUOTE]
Ditto this. The correct answer to any and all WP questions until you have a date, venue, and budget set in stone is "We're not thinking about that yet." Your FI shouldn't have involved himself, and owes your brother an apology. It's never cool to tell someone, "I don't want you and here's why."<div>
</div><div>FWIW, my brother was originally going to be a groomsman, but we moved him to my side after some equally petty drama (though I told him it was to balance out the groomswoman), and that was the end of it. Your FI is right about that; his side should be his nearest and dearest and your side should be yours, regardless of people's plumbing. When the time comes, if YOU decide that you're not close enough to him to want him as an attendant, you get to be the one to own that as your decision if your family pitches a fit and to keep your FI out of it.</div>

banana468 · September 2012

You have the option to ask your brother to be on your side.

But at this point, you also need to clean up the mess with your mom. Regardless of anything you need to say, "The wedding party decision is a JOINT decision with FI and me. I love you and want you to be at my wedding. If you threaten not to come unless I do what you say you will be the one who misses a great event."

It sounds like she's trying to bully you and I just wouldn't be OK with that.

theelusive1 · September 2012

You do not have to have family in your wedding, you should have your closest friends who you will be honored to have them standing next to you. Do not bend on this just to keep the peace. I am guessing your parents have strong armed you this way in life more than just this one time. If your brother has a girlfriend I am thinking he is adult or close and able to make his own decisions? I would never count on anyones money unless they had already handed it to me. Asking your brother to play at your wedding (with pay) should have been an honor.

OliveOilsMom · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_groomsmenfamily-drama?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:999a986a-97e0-47dc-9c32-7258b3532a7dPost:d038b460-a64d-4db5-be9d-5ef8e6207abb">Groomsmen/Family Drama.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in need of advice... (sorry for the long post) My fiance and I just got engaged last Saturday and I had intended on waiting two weeks or so to enjoy the moment before jumping into wedding planning. However, when I told my mother about the engagement, she assumed that my younger brother (he's 18) would be a groomsman. In fact, it was one of the first things she mentioned. My fiance and family do not have the greatest of relationships. They are civil to one another and that's about as far as it goes. He likes my brother, but they've never spent time together. I told my mother that I had intended on asking my brother to perhaps be an usher or to play the piano since he's a great musician. I told her that I was not planning on making my FI's sisters bridesmaids. She dropped the topic until I came over the next day to visit. Both she and my dad began yelling at me about how selfish I am to not include my brother in the wedding party. My dad said that asking my brother to play music at the wedding is the same as asking him to be a waiter at the reception (ummm...?). I left in tears and of course told my fiance about what had happened and he was not happy about it. (Note: A few months ago before we were engaged, my dad stated that he would not pay for the wedding. I never asked him to- it was information he volunteered at the mention of marriage.) The next night, my fiance sent my brother a text telling him that he thought about it some more and believes that his groomsmen should consist of his closest friends and that it is obvious that he and my brother are not very close. However, he would like to get to know my brother better and he invited both my brother and his GF to dinner sometime in hopes of doing so. No answer from my brother, but two hours later I received multiple text messages from my mother saying how dare my FI say that he didn't want my brother in the wedding, they will not be attending, to tell my FI to "F*** off" and I can just delete their numbers and forget about them. My FI saw how upset I was and sent a few not so nice texts to my mother... (which was probably wrong of him.) This breaks my heart and I just don't understand the drama. I love my brother... I even sent him multiple texts the next day asking him if he was upset, if my mother told him not to talk to me... how he was feeling about everything (note: he never asked me if he could be a groomsman.) Instead of enjoying my first week as someone who is newly engaged, I've just been upset and I really don't know how to resolve the situation. FI won't budge because he doesn't like how my family is treating me and my mom won't budge because that's simply her personality. Thoughts?
Posted by gelbell22[/QUOTE]

You need to let everything settle with your parents first. Give them some space and time. Is the reason they are mad only because of your brother should be a GM? It seems they may have something else on their mind, but using the GM issue to reflect their real feelings. Do they like your FI? Do your parents feel you are getting married too young? Do your parents feel you are rushing into marriage? Just some things to consider how they maybe thinking.

Your FI needs to stay out of your family troubles. If your parents have already said they will not contribute to your wedding, then you have control over it. If at anytime, they come around and want to offer you money, I would decline it. Money comes with strings and your parents seem to have lots of them! Without your parent's money, you & FI can plan the wedding however you want without their input. It could make your overall wedding planning go much easier.

gelbell22 · September 2012

Thank you to everyone for your advice. It helps to see multiple perspectives, and to know that I am not the only person who has gone through petty drama over a wedding. I think I'm going to try to speak to my brother in person and hope that my mother has not filled him with any lies. She definitely has tried to strong arm me into things in the past (usually successfully, because who wants their mom yelling at them all the time...?), and I am just going to have to learn to stand my ground for once. I also agree that it is way too early to ask people to be in the WP since our wedding will not be until late next year. However, my parent's never had an actual wedding, so I think they are unaware of the timeline in which those decisions are made.

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