Help with rude sister. vent

serounds · May 2012

I was wondering is it ok not to invite my sister. Me and my sister have never have gotten along. Know with me getting married she has gotten alot more mean about it she is even making it public she hates me and saying stuff that makes me want to break down. I fell on my day she will be alot worse. I guess im at a lost what to do. I have alway try to be nice to her and show that her comments dont bother me but lately they have been. I'm also worried my family will be mad if i dont invite her to the wedding. So is it ok if i dont invite her to the wedding?
Sorry grammer was never strong a strong suit for me.

chelseamb11 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:a3d54c79-ef54-447c-8501-280ca7b99d61">Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I was wondering is it ok not to invite my sister. Me and my sister have never have gotten along. Know with me getting married she has gotten alot more mean about it she is even making it public she hates me and saying stuff that makes me want to break down. I fell on my day she will be alot worse. I guess im at a lost what to do. I have alway try to be nice to her and show that her comments dont bother me but lately they have been. I'm also worried my family will be mad if i dont invite her to the wedding. So is it ok if i dont invite her to the wedding? Sorry grammer was never strong a strong suit for me.
Posted by serounds[/QUOTE]

Your grammar is good, it's your spelling that needs work.

Who is paying for your wedding? If you are paying for the whole thing, you are well within your right to not invite her. If your family is payin for part, they may insist on inviting her. I personally wouldn't invite her, it sounds like she's been a complete bitch to you for no reason.

serounds · May 2012

Thank you and its me and my FH paying for it all.

serounds · May 2012

My mom past away 2 years ago and i have just started to talk to my dad again. He knows about the problem with me and her. Its my aunts and uncles that would push me to invite her.

SparrowSong · May 2012

I don't like when people use weddings as emotional weapons. One, it's lazy. Instead of having a difficult conversation with someone, people seem to think "well, I just won't invite them to my wedding. That will show them exactly what I think. And then I won't have to pretend to have a relationship with them." Well, fine. Yeah, that might be the last bridge you burn. But does it really solve anything? Especially when the person you are gunning for is a relative, who will be connected to you for life whether you like it or not. If you chose to not invite her, in that situation, you would be playing the childish card, not her.

I guess what I'm saying is if you care about your relationship with your sister work on that. And if you want to express that you want her out of your life, tell her so. But I think this is an issue that is both bigger and unrelated to your wedding, and should be dealt with accordingly.

redheadfsu · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:bdfd4878-d654-4c59-8c36-0dfad60f552f">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom past away 2 years ago and i have just started to talk to my dad again. He knows about the problem with me and her. Its my aunts and uncles that would push me to invite her.
Posted by serounds[/QUOTE]

Are you close to your Aunts & Uncles? If so, let them know that currently your relationship with your sister is very rocky, explain the issues, and tell them you don't intend to invite her. If you are not close, I would just say, "this is a private matter between my sister & I."

tpender13 · May 2012

If it were me, I would probably be the bigger person and invite her. But I understand that I don't know the details of your situation, so don't let your extended family guilt you into doing something you didn't want to do. Just keep in mind that not inviting her could be something that could hinder making your relationship better in the future.

I hadn't really talked to my sister for months before I sent out my wedding invitations, but it's not like I didn't want a relationship with her, so I never considered not inviting her. I thought for awhile she might decline. She did come, and we've since repaired our relationship and get along quite well. I've since found out a lot about what was going on in her life that made her the way she was, and I'm much more understanding now. Perhaps there is something going on with your sister that you're not aware of?

juliebug1997 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:90665283-f455-42c4-950b-c83589312083">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like when people use weddings as emotional weapons. One, it's lazy. Instead of having a difficult conversation with someone, people seem to think "well, I just won't invite them to my wedding. That will show them exactly what I think. And then I won't have to pretend to have a relationship with them." Well, fine. Yeah, that might be the last bridge you burn. But does it really solve anything? Especially when the person you are gunning for is a relative, who will be connected to you for life whether you like it or not. If you chose to not invite her, in that situation, you would be playing the childish card, not her. I guess what I'm saying is if you care about your relationship with your sister work on that. And if you want to express that you want her out of your life, tell her so. But I think this is an issue that is both bigger and unrelated to your wedding, and should be dealt with accordingly.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

I disagree. It may not be related to the wedding but the wedding could exacerbate the situation. She said that she's been ignoring it for years and that it's only now been getting to her. Let's say she goes ahead and invites her sister and then, the day of the wedding, the sister keeps egging her on and she reaches her breaking point. Why would she want that hanging over her head?

I agree that you should talk with her and then you could make a more educated decision about inviting her to the wedding. You don't even have to mention to her that her answers will decide whether she gets to come or not.

JNV825 · May 2012

From day one, we had decided not to invite FI's sister. Her and FI have issues going back to childhood so by the time I came into the picture and met her, she instantly hated me by my assocition with FI. I personally ahd no problems with her, her problems with FI just branched out to me and eventually to my daughter. I was always nice, pleasant and tried to talk to her until the one day I overheard her CLEARLY call my daughter a "bastard baby," since that day I have found myself still being nice and pleasant but no longer trying to initiate conversation. FI and I looked at her presence at our wedding as hypocritical, she does not support our relaitonship because apparently "any girl dumb enough to date, get pregnant by and marry" FI "is a C yoU Next Tuesday." That coupled witht he fact that she has never once acknowlegded her own niece, (I literally mean she has never picked her up, said hi or anything, she literally ignores my daughters presence) then she obviously doesn't support our relationship and our family. FI and I agreed that our wedding is a celebration of our relationship and the family that grew out of it and those who do not support our relationship or family aren't ideal as guests. Of course FI's mom begged us to change our minds and I actually did recently, heres why:

My relationship with my sister is a lot like yours, we simply don't like eachother. Rather than be nasty to her though, Irecognize that she is my sister whether I like it or not and that even if I don't like her, I do love her because she's my sister, so since I was a kid I have always swallowed every hurtfu thing she has said and done and never required an apology and always let go of the bad stuff ( I can't hold a grudge to save my life). However the day after I threw her a huge bridal shower (I'm her MOH, and she's mine, yes were getting married less than 3 months apart) she chose to blow up at me and tell me just how awful she really thinks I am and question whether my FI is good enough or not, so I took that as a turning point to no longer engage her either, I have not called to make amends and I haven't planned her bachelorette party like I was supposed too. The only thing I have done is tell her that I support her and her fiance and I have no problem standing next to her on her wedding day as her MOH and being a supporting witness to their marriage because that would be me being true to myself, but all I asked in return was that she not stand next to me on my wedding day if she can't do it with genuine love and support. I never exactly received an answer but due to our parents involvement, she is still my MOH as am I hers. Since I couldn't cast my own sister out of the wedding for doing basically the same thing (in principle) as FI's sister had been doing, I sent FSIL an invitation and even addded a corsage to my floral list for her. At the end of he day, I don't want to have to answer for why I didn't try, I would rather say I did and got crap in return. Moral of my story, take the high road, no one can fault you for being the adult and bigger person, and when you do it only showcases that much more how truley crazy everyone else is.

Sorry that was such a novel but his has been a very prevalent issue in my life lately and your post related to it and got me going, didn't mean to hijack.

strlzfan11 · May 2012

My sister and I don't get along either, so I was shocked when she actually asked me to be a bridesmaid. I accepted for two reasons 1) I would've never heard the end of it from my mother and 2) I hoped that one day we would be able to reconcile our relationship and I would've hated to regret not accepting one day down the road. We're still not friendly by any stretch, but she's also not quite the pain-in-the-ass she was when we were kids and even 10 years ago.

So you have to decide whether or not you hope to ever have a relationship with her. If you do, invite her. If not, don't invite her, but be prepared to deal with the fallout.

TaraMc728 · May 2012

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. You got to do what you feel is right. Do not let your realtives pressure you into what you do not want.

vfoote · May 2012

I don't think that this has anything to do with 'That will show them exactly what I think'. Why would the OP want to invite someone who will potentially just ruin her day? This is a day she will remember for the rest of her life, and hopefully she won't have to remember having a mental breakdown due to her sister.

OP - If your family is aware of the situation and you and your FI are paying for it all, I wouldn't invite her. It's only going to make matters worse for you on your wedding day, a day that should be filled will great memories.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:90665283-f455-42c4-950b-c83589312083">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't like when people use weddings as emotional weapons. One, it's lazy. Instead of having a difficult conversation with someone, people seem to think <strong>"well, I just won't invite them to my wedding. That will show them exactly what I think. And then I won't have to pretend to have a relationship with them."</strong> Well, fine. Yeah, that might be the last bridge you burn. But does it really solve anything? Especially when the person you are gunning for is a relative, who will be connected to you for life whether you like it or not. If you chose to not invite her, in that situation, you would be playing the childish card, not her. I guess what I'm saying is if you care about your relationship with your sister work on that. And if you want to express that you want her out of your life, tell her so. But I think this is an issue that is both bigger and unrelated to your wedding, and should be dealt with accordingly.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

32daisies · May 2012

Family. Can't with live 'em... pass the beernuts.

(old school "Cheers" reference)

A PP put it very well, enough so that I'll add on -- if you want a future relationship with your sister, invite her, and try your best. But if you don't want a future relationship with her, don't invite her, and don't let anyone else in the family bully you into doing so. But that's the decision you have to make. Whatever you decide is perfectly valid, just know what you're deciding.

goobersinlove · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:90665283-f455-42c4-950b-c83589312083">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I don't like when people use weddings as emotional weapons. One, it's lazy. Instead of having a difficult conversation with someone, people seem to think "well, I just won't invite them to my wedding. That will show them exactly what I think. And then I won't have to pretend to have a relationship with them." Well, fine. Yeah, that might be the last bridge you burn. But does it really solve anything? Especially when the person you are gunning for is a relative, who will be connected to you for life whether you like it or not. If you chose to not invite her, in that situation, you would be playing the childish card, not her.</strong> I guess what I'm saying is if you care about your relationship with your sister work on that. And if you want to express that you want her out of your life, tell her so. But I think this is an issue that is both bigger and unrelated to your wedding, and should be dealt with accordingly.
Posted by SparrowSong[/QUOTE]

I disagree with all of this as well. In this situation, I do not smell the tiniest hint of the OP trying to use her wedding to make a stab at her sister. There's a difference between not inviting someone because you genuinely do not want them there vs. not inviting someone to prove a point or intentionally snub them.

That being said, I also believe that on your wedding day you should only be surrounded by postive people in your life who like you and are supportive of you and your relationship. If someone is genuinely mean (not just a little fight - but a whole negative relationship) to you - family or not - they do not deserve to be there on the happiest day of your life.

Whether they are a blood relative or not has little to do with who the B&G "should" invite. There is no "rule" that the OP would be breaking by not inviting a family member that she is not close to or has a negative relationship with. It doesn't sound like she wants a relationship with her sister, therefore, why would she invite her sister to her wedding? That's not being a small or childish at all. An no, she will not be "connected" to her for her whole life either.

hannahmassey · May 2012

In Response to Re:Help with rude sister. vent:[QUOTE]It sounds weird to ask, but are your parents and any other siblings aware of the problems between the two of you? If so, it may not come as a big surprise if you don't want to invite her.I didn't invite my sister to my wedding because we don't have much of a relationship at all and she's done some very hurtful things over the years.nbsp; I told my parents she would not be invited and they understood.nbsp; I have no regrets about not inviting her. Posted by ILoveMilkDuds[/QUOTE]

Go girl! Why anyone is obligated to invite awful siblings and cousins, etc. is beyond me. Why those awful people even want to come is even more questionable.

QueerFemme · May 2012

I am not inviting two of my sisters nor my mother to my wedding. Just because someone shares my DNA, doesn't mean they automatically get an invitation. I did have a dialogue with those family members about two years ago though, and said clearly, that if they weren't willing to work on their lack of communication and ability to talk about the major family drama and work on a solution, then they would not be involved in my life. That was two years ago. I've seen them once since then, and it was at the hospital while we were all there because another family member was ill.

If not inviting her is going to cause a family crisis, I think you have to be willing to walk away from that relationship if you don't invite her. When I told my family they wouldn't be involved in my life, I wasn't kidding. I had already made the decision that I was ok with losing them in my life. It still sucked, but it was the best decision I've ever made.

ShyDreamer00 · May 2012

If you don't care about having a relationship with your sister or care to work on having one, then just don't invite her. If it would really cause you distress to have her there, then avoid the drama and the stress associated with her.
My FI has that same sister (his only full sister-he has 8 half-siblings) and she is one of those that the attention has to be focused on her all of the time. Example: when she found out that my FI and I were expecting our daughter, she threw a fit and said no one would be as excited or happy for her if she announced she was pregnant. FI and her got into it and basically didn't talk for two years AT ALL. They are only talking now because this sister is back living with their mom. She didn't come to the baby shower, hospital, or anything...didn't meet her only niece until she was 18 months old (and she only lives about 45 minutes away).
FI debated on whether to invite her or not (he and I could really care less whether she is there), but for his mom's sake we did invite her. Now, I can't wait to see how she acts up once the day of the wedding occurs...however, IF that it occurs it will be dealt with accordingly
Basically, I wouldn't want someone there who can't/won't be happy for us and that wants to celebrate our love with us-I know that etiquette dictates alot during the planning of the wedding, but why have someone there who resents you?

TheBaney · May 2012

Neither my father, nor my half sisters will be invited to my wedding. I don't have a relationship with any of them, so there's no point.

Family doesn't automatically get invited. It all depends on where you want to go from there.

32daisies · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:7556ec0a-25f1-4cd8-b77a-011747a5831c">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not inviting two of my sisters nor my mother to my wedding. Just because someone shares my DNA, doesn't mean they automatically get an invitation. I did have a dialogue with those family members about two years ago though, and said clearly, that if they weren't willing to work on their lack of communication and ability to talk about the major family drama and work on a solution, then they would not be involved in my life. That was two years ago. I've seen them once since then, and it was at the hospital while we were all there because another family member was ill. If not inviting her is going to cause a family crisis, I think you have to be willing to walk away from that relationship if you don't invite her. When I told my family they wouldn't be involved in my life, I wasn't kidding. I had already made the decision that I was ok with losing them in my life. It still sucked, but it was the best decision I've ever made.
Posted by cmgilpin[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hijack this thread a little ... but I can't help but say... what you did takes a very strong person, and I can only tell you that I admire you for sticking up for yourself that way. Seriously. And if OP feels the same way, and decides to take that step, I hope she follows your strength as an example.

klwpaz · May 2012

I'm going to echo many PPs and say you should do what feels right for your situation. I am very close with one of my sisters and she is my MOH. My other sister continues to treat the rest of the family horribly and I never even considered inviting her. She has not spoken to me in years and does not even know that I'm engaged. I would suggest talking it over with FI, assuming he is familiar with the situation. You know your relationship best, and whatever you decide will be perfectly acceptable.

zitiqueen · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_help-with-rude-sister-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:b8553460-1b03-485e-a692-0fc6837462c2Post:304ba23a-e554-49f6-b1b3-5830d16d01cf">Re: Help with rude sister. vent</a>:
[QUOTE]From day one, we had decided not to invite FI's sister. Her and FI have issues going back to childhood so by the time I came into the picture and met her, she instantly hated me by my assocition with FI. I personally ahd no problems with her, her problems with FI just branched out to me and eventually to my daughter. I was always nice, pleasant and tried to talk to her until the one day I overheard her CLEARLY call my daughter a "bastard baby," since that day I have found myself still being nice and pleasant but no longer trying to initiate conversation. FI and I looked at her presence at our wedding as hypocritical, she does not support our relaitonship because apparently "any girl dumb enough to date, get pregnant by and marry" FI "is a C yoU Next Tuesday." That coupled witht he fact that she has never once acknowlegded her own niece, (I literally mean she has never picked her up, said hi or anything, she literally ignores my daughters presence) then she obviously doesn't support our relationship and our family. FI and I agreed that our wedding is a celebration of our relationship and the family that grew out of it and those who do not support our relationship or family aren't ideal as guests. Of course FI's mom begged us to change our minds and I actually did recently, heres why: My relationship with my sister is a lot like yours, we simply don't like eachother. Rather than be nasty to her though, Irecognize that she is my sister whether I like it or not and that even if I don't like her, I do love her because she's my sister, so since I was a kid I have always swallowed every hurtfu thing she has said and done and never required an apology and always let go of the bad stuff ( I can't hold a grudge to save my life). However the day after I threw her a huge bridal shower (I'm her MOH, and she's mine, yes were getting married less than 3 months apart) she chose to blow up at me and tell me just how awful she really thinks I am and question whether my FI is good enough or not, so I took that as a turning point to no longer engage her either, I have not called to make amends and I haven't planned her bachelorette party like I was supposed too. The only thing I have done is tell her that I support her and her fiance and I have no problem standing next to her on her wedding day as her MOH and being a supporting witness to their marriage because that would be me being true to myself, but all I asked in return was that she not stand next to me on my wedding day if she can't do it with genuine love and support. I never exactly received an answer but due to our parents involvement, she is still my MOH as am I hers. Since I couldn't cast my own sister out of the wedding for doing basically the same thing (in principle) as FI's sister had been doing, I sent FSIL an invitation and even addded a corsage to my floral list for her. At the end of he day, I don't want to have to answer for why I didn't try, I would rather say I did and got crap in return. Moral of my story, take the high road, no one can fault you for being the adult and bigger person, and when you do it only showcases that much more how truley crazy everyone else is. Sorry that was such a novel but his has been a very prevalent issue in my life lately and your post related to it and got me going, didn't mean to hijack.
Posted by JNV825[/QUOTE]

Cliff's Notes version -- if somebody shares DNA with you, that gives them the right to treat you like crap and you just need to be a doormat and take it instead of standing up for yourself and your family.

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