1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

dvandyck · March 2010

I have had the unfortunate experience of a long time friend pull out from being a bridesmaid and even attending our wedding due to personal reasons. It's been a hard thing to go through but, I realize that what is important is the many family and friends who do want to be a part of our wedding. That being said is it inappropriate or too much to ask another good friend to be a bridesmaid this late in the planning? Her only cost would be to alter the bridesmaid dress I have and to get shoes if she doesn't have some already she could wear. Her boyfriend is my fiance's best friend and already a groomsmen so there wouldn't be extra costs for their stay. I just want to be respectful of her and not put her in a awkward position. I should have asked her in the first place! I appreciate any advice ladies. Thank you!

Mrs.B6302007 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_1-month-away-bridesmaid-pulled-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:0ef6c3a0-72e4-47b1-a0ff-4c65c754bc2dPost:35b4fcb9-1b30-4c07-9e05-cd0f89be8273">1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]I have had the unfortunate experience of a long time friend pull out from being a bridesmaid and even attending our wedding due to personal reasons. It's been a hard thing to go through but, I realize that what is important is the many family and friends who do want to be a part of our wedding. That being said is it inappropriate or too much to ask another good friend to be a bridesmaid this late in the planning? Her only cost would be to alter the bridesmaid dress I have and to get shoes if she doesn't have some already she could wear. Her boyfriend is my fiance's best friend and already a groomsmen so there wouldn't be extra costs for their stay. I just want to be respectful of her and not put her in a awkward position. I should have asked her in the first place! I appreciate any advice ladies. Thank you!
Posted by dvandyck[/QUOTE]

never replace a BM no matter what the circumstances are behind the drop out. If you really wanted this other friend to be part of your WP, you would have asked her in the first place.

mbcdefg · March 2010

With a month left, I think she'll know that she's mainly being asked as a replacement. You COULD have asked her in the first place, but you didn't (for whatever reason), and you could've easily added her along the way if you felt closer to her and wanted to include her. She will know this, and I think you run the risk of hurting her feelings if you ask her to stand in this late in the game.

Just go on with uneven sides. Sell the BM's dress if you were the one who paid for it.

Why didn't you ask her earlier on? If you've only gotten closer in the last few months, then maybe ask her to do a reading. If it's because you wanted to keep the sides even ... then, lesson learned, don't exclude a friend just to make things look a certain way.

MyNameIsNot · March 2010

Don't ask a replacement bridesmaid. It's an insult to her and to the girl who dropped out.

BMs are about honoring your closest friends, not filling slots. If you'd wanted this girl, you would have asked her in the first place, not as an understudy.

CTGirl30 · March 2010

No, do not ask a "replacement" now. You'll be fine with uneven sides - the world will not come crashing down and your marriage will still be 100% valid. Promise.

jagore08 · March 2010

Just leave your wedding party as it is. Don't ask anyone else.

amagwire · March 2010

Replacement bridesmaids are a bad idea. You'll hurt the girl's feelings, whether she admits it or not. She will know she's the 'backup' and didn't make the cut the first time around.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

Yes, it's very inappropriate. It dishonors the girl who stepped down because it sends the message that she's replaceable, it dishonors the other girls because it also tells them that they're replaceable, and it dishonors the stand-in because she's being treated like a prop.

Just have uneven sides. They're becoming extremely common.

dvandyck · March 2010

I definitely do not want to hurt this girl's feelings. She and I have become really close over the last few months. The girl who has pulled out basically just feels the wedding isn't at a convenient time or place for her. It was a complete shock and the other girl I am now close with has been there through this whole trial of losing a friend. Perhaps as a token of my appreciation of our friendship instead of inviting her I can just give her a gift! Or invite her to come get ready with us ladies on the morning of the wedding should she be interested. Does that seem like a good option instead? I don't care about filling a spot or even the cost of the dress. It's water under the bridge.

aerinpegadrak · March 2010

Coming to get ready with you is a really good option. That's usually the best part of being a BM anyway, and what I usually recommend for people looking to honor a non-WP friendship.

mbcdefg · March 2010

I think that inviting her to the prep sessions, and maybe some kind of gift if you feel like she's been especially helpful, would be very sweet.

Are you treating the bridesmaids to hair and makeup sessions? If so (obviously you don't have to if you're not requiring it), maybe offer this girl a treat as well?

lalap69 · March 2010

I like the idea of inviting her to get ready with you. If you ask her to be a BM now, she's just going to feel like a replacement. This way you're still making her a part of things without the suggestion that she's just a prop.

juliaestokes · April 2010

I had my MatronOH drop out because she didn't want to deal with the stress of my wedding...apparently she thought EVERYTHING would go wrong and she just didn't want to have to be there for me...some friend! I also had another who lives in TN just never called me back about going BM dress shopping or about her size...so I just assumed she dropped too. It really is crappy, but you find out who your true friends are is what I learned. I was there for the MOH who dropped out on her wedding day and she was a *rude* bride and got mad because I mentioned my wedding while on the way to hers in the limo. I was appalled...I didn't know I couldn't be excited about my wedding because it was her wedding day...pretty uch BrideZilla to me!! (oh, also got mad because I was taking pictures of her and BMP before the photographer got there!)

Any way - had to vent - I did not replace 2 girls, so I have three and my Fiance has 4. The guys are probably already going to be standing with my groom during the processional because they are the ushers as well. It was hard for me to do the uneven thing...but it;s really no big deal!

And think about it from this other girls perspective...whould you want to be an afterthought iin her wedding? I've been an afterthought invite to a wedding, not even as a BM and I felt so awkward and disrespected that I didn't even go!

So I think the ideas of inviting her to do hair and make-up and to do a reading would be a really good option!

eedoe · April 2010

To be honest, I rather disagree with most of the posters here. You have already explained that this girl had just recently become a good friend to you. You've also explained the rather lame reasonings that your bridesmaid dropped out.

So why not approach her with the suggestion? Point out how close you've recently become with her and how she's been a fantastic friend to you through out this mess.

You could tell her that you would understand if she wouldn't want to and that you would still love her to come get ready with you and be as much apart of your special day as she will allow. Point out that you mean not to create discomfort, but it would be an honor if she would join your wedding party.

You know this girl better than any of us here. You can gauge if this is something she'd be tickled about or insulted over the request.

Personally, I'm having a lopsided wedding, by choice. So I'm not advocating to you have her attend on the basis of even numbers. I'm encouraging you because it sounds like this is something you really want. You pointed out yourself that you had wished you had asked her in the first place. This is your second chance to correct that mistake.

Good luck to you.

ElaineH10 · April 2010

I've replaced two of my four bridesmaids now (for personal reasons) and the people that I've asked since were honored to be in the wedding. I explained to them what happened and I told them flat-out that I felt stupid for not thinking of them in the first place. If this friend knows the whole story, she might see it as you wanting a closer friend to stand up for you on your special day and not just as her being a replacement. If she is such a good friend, she'll understand. I have gone through a LOT of bridesmaid issues and my new (got that... new, NOT replacement or stand-in) bridesmaids are thrilled and can't wait to be there for me.
That being said, the idea to include her in getting ready, etc. is also a cool idea.

mwhec · April 2010

I was asked to be in what I thought was my best friend's wedding then kicked out because the church limited how many she could have. Then one of her bridesmaids got pregnant so she kicked her out and asked me back into the wedding party. It was awkward and I felt stupid as the second place bridesmaid. I wouldn't replace anyone. It makes the person being asked feel worse for not being asked in the first place not honored to be part of your day. I would just move on.

literatureartist · April 2010

Replacement of a bridesmaid is never a good idea. Especially if someone else has already paid for the dress. One of my bridesmaids pulled out (wedding, and friendship) via facebook on christmas day! I totally understand the emotions and turmoil with that.

Best of luck!

*Mandi*

zoe91907 · April 2010

By all means replace her like you said you and this girl have gotten closer over the past few months and so there for if you explain to her how you feel i bet she would feel honored. I too have had alot of problems my first moh found out she was pregnant and due 1 wk before the wedding so i asked another one of my best friends to be moh and she was tickled pink (or so she said) and after months going by and her not helping at all i just told her that i wasnt going to have a moh bc the other bm were doing way more than her and it wasnt fair to give her the title. And last of all another bm said she could afford to be in the wp and now i paid for her shoes, her hair, and her dress even though she is out doing what she wants instead of being there for me so lesson learned you find out who your friends are during wedding planning and people arent always who you think they are (I thought these were my best friends who i would do anything for but i guess they wouldnt do the same for me)

ltyka · April 2010

I agree with eedoe. Tell this girl the truth - that you've felt really close to her recently and wish you had asked her in the first place. Honestly, if she's witnessed all that has happened, I think you run a risk of hurting her feelings if you DON'T ask her.

In my humble opinion, being honest with the girl about your feelings is the way to go.

mlburch · April 2010

I know everyone has said that it would be offensive. But I think she would understand if you had even numbers in the first place. What's wrong with wanting even numbers? It's your day - if you still want proportion, ask her. She should be happy. My MOH turned out not to be able to make it because her son was graduating that day. I asked my roommate to be my bridesmaid. I told her that I didn't ask her in the first place because we had limited groomsmen, and I didn't want anyone to walk by themselves. I still let her know how special she was to me. It really wasn't like there was this underlying feeling of hurt at all.

columbiasarah · April 2010

My wedding is May 1st and the same exact thing happened to me last week. My matron of honor informed me that she was not going to be able to fulfill her duties. You would think that these girls could suck it up for one day.
I did ask someone to fill in for her. My cousin who I had been very close to growing up had reappeared in my life after I had already picked my bm's. She was more than happy to step in and is doing a wonderful job. There were no hurt feelings.
I think that you should ask your new friend and assure her that you would have liked to have had her in your wedding all along, now you're excited that she can be a bigger part of your day.

cowswithcoffee · April 2010

Don't replace. I had a bridesmaid drop out for medical reasons- she needs to have surgery around the time of our wedding. Now I have 4 girls and 5 guys. It's fine. I'm going to have one of my bridesmaids come down the aisle with 2 groomsman - same for the reception. You could do that too.

Good luck!

Bridedonya · April 2010

I think its ok to ask someone else....its kind of like an emergency at this point.....I'm sure your friend will understand....besides it sounds like she was meant to be in the wedding anyway...sounds like destiny....I have been in the same position...and even though I have more time to adjust, whoever is meant to share your wonderful day will be there to support you no matter what it takes!

Tisha. · April 2010

When our (now very very good) friends got married several years ago, I had only known them for less than a year. Jennifer's MOH was dopey and somehow had the date wrong and backed out about a month before the wedding. This was someone she had been best friends with since childhood, but the girl now lived in another state.

Anyway, Jennifer came to me and asked if I'd step in. She wanted shift the whole party and have a new MOH (not me) and I was 100% ok with that. I was honored to be asked. We hadn't known each other for that long, but she thought include me, when she needed me, and I wanted to help out.

We've remained very good friends and I'm proud of the fac that I got to be in their wedding party, even if it was as a replacement.

calasmtih · April 2010

I had that happen to me at about 40 days out (for a totally unnecessary reason and now she can make it to the wedding but I'm not having her in it). So then I tried to then include my FH's sister(which I realize should have happened from the beginning but I was warned about her from my FH). I even added my brothers to the mix so that it would officially be a family event. Both brothers made the WP even more uneven than before. And after trying to make her feel comfy in the dress I'd already picked out she flat out told me that she couldn't do it for another reason... Then I was back to one less BM. I mean I thought about asking another friend but the real reason I didn't ask a lot more of my close friends is because many of them found out about the marriage over xmas and all were financially strapped. I told them that I would love to have all of them but I only wanted people who felt they could and wanted to pay for a dress and shoes they may never wear again. Of course I then I found a slew of cheap dresses from nordstrom and so the cost wasn't bad for anyone afterall ($98/dress!). But in the long run those other girls that wanted to be there for me are still there and they don't have to walk down the isle with me to do it... So maybe if you mention it to the girl you're thinking of asking and see if she shows interest- then tell her that you should/would have asked her anyway but for some reason(s) you didn't- maybe she'll volunteer? I don't know but in any case uneven WP is not a big deal. I'm having a very uneven bridal party to groomsmen ratio- but I it doesnt matter to me. If it matters to you work on feeling out the situation with your friend or find a family memeber to step in.
Good luck!

Paige6 · April 2010

If anyone understands what your going through I do. My maid of honor dropped out of the wedding because she didn't like the colors I chose for the dresses. (Hot pink) This was espeacially hurtful because of our long term friendship. I did not ask any other girls to be a part of the wedding party. The fact that my soon to be husband has one extra groomsman is ok. He is going to escort my dog down the isle. She is a junior bridesmaid... LOL! No one will think any less of you that you are a girl short on your side. In fact I don't think anyone will notice or care. All eyes will be on you and your fiance anyway. As it should be. So don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short!

NewnImprovedMrsHughes · April 2010

I'm going to have to disagree with most of the posts here - I have become very close to a girl who is getting married this summer, She has already asked me to come over while she gets ready on her big day since I am not in the wedding party itself. She and I were friends when she picked her party but have become alot closer since then. If one of her Bridesmaids dropped out last minute, I would not be offended that she was asking me so last minute.
If you've become good friends more recently, she probably never expected to be asked prior to, so being asked now would be an honor.
I say go with your gut feeling! I wouldn't be offended due to the situation.

If you decide not to ask her, having her come over the morning of is a great idea :-) Good luck!

melissa_k_cameron · April 2010

When its all said and done its your call. All she can say is no. This is your day and if you want this to be as perfect as they can then go for it. I was a last minute stand in and I wasnt even invited to the wedding and I understood. Lets face it weddings are costly and anyone who gets upset about not being included you should ask "are you helping with some funds?" Not to sound rude but its a reality.
If your comfy asking for your friend that is already coming to fill a really important role for you then go for it. Forget the "why didn't you ask in the first place" stuff that doesn't matter! Its your day and yes you can have it your way (had to use BK's line lol).
Stay Blessed

Shalon0801 · April 2010

My bridesmaid and long time friend also pulled out of my wedding. We have had a long engagement time and I asked her 2 years before the wedding to allow for planning, saving, and such. She pulled out this past January (wedding is in Oct.) so that would have given me some time to "bump up" a friend who has agreed to serve as our wedding day coordinator. I decided not to do that because, as another person wrote, our wedding isn't about filling a certain number of slots. We still aren't sure how pictures and walking down the aisle will work, but that is all secondary to the hurt and anger I felt towards my "friend". I was in her wedding and did everything she asked (including not cutting my hair past a certain length) and felt that now was my time and couldn't believe she could be so selfish. I think once you work through the hurt focus on those who are with you - it will be better. (Thanks for your post - made me not feel so bad!) Good Luck!

rtornot21 · April 2010

I think you can.

I just had a bridesmaid (my sister) back out, two months to my wedding. I decided to ask my personal attendant to be a bridesmaid, because she will already be there and I know that she supports me.

I would ask your friend if she would HONESTLY be offended if you replaced her.

If she says yes, don't do it. Sell the dress, send her a gift to show that you still appreciate her. Send it from the both of you, saying that you wished she could have been there.

If she says no, bring in your replacement, but still send her a gift.

Hope that helps!

shellbell212 · April 2010

I think if you want to ask your friend to be in the wedding for the right reasons, you should go ahead and ask her. I had a bridesmaid drop out 4 months before my wedding for reasons I still don't really know. My MOH is my younger sister that I am very close to and the only of my 4 sisters that was originally in the wedding. I had been really torn about asking my next older sister to be in my wedding in the first place but decided to ask this friend because I felt bad about not asking her since she asked me to be in hers. But after she dropped out, I asked my sister to be in it because I knew she would love to be a part of the wedding and stand up with me. Really my point is, if you think this friend of yours would be excited and honored to be in the wedding then go ahead and ask her. Like a lot of other people have said tell her you should have asked her in the first place and you don't want her to feel like an after-thought or back-up plan so if she would then it's fine and you understand. But let her know how much you really want her to be in it because of your friendship and not just to keep your numbers even.

1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

Re: 1 month away and bridesmaid has pulled out - HELP!

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