Help! I need to downsize wedding party!

libby2483 · December 2012

OP, you are a piece of work. Everyone here has given you advice, and you have been nothing but rude in return. If you think that eliminating your daughter from your wedding party won't hurt her feelings, think again. You and your FI made this mistake, now live with it.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:65ede08f-3916-44f8-8ec3-2038d1aaccba">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Kristi, I don't know if you're still here but I don't get why they can't all sit in the front row like someone else suggested.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>Because, Edie, she thinks it will upset them to pay for the dress and shoes and then just sit. She believes they would rather be kicked out than have that happen to them. </div>

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:0aea1522-83f6-4775-9d46-6b9667192c94">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd like to point out an irony here. Many of us find what Kristi is doing ("un-inviting" bridesmaids) to be incredbily rude. How do we respond? "OP, you are a piece of work." "Interesting that you are more worried about your perfect wedding vision than the fact that your are planning to marry a man who has a problem with alcohol." "You, my dear, are a piece of work." "Do me a favor, make sure to include a dictionary on your wedding registry, okay?" C'mon, ladies - let's pull a Gandhi here .... "Be the change you wish to see in the world."
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

But please note all responses WERE kind until she said we were high strung for disagreeing with her plan. It's just the usual pattern of posters who don't want advice;they want validation.

misssunshine17 · December 2012

OP, you need to learn how to treat your friends.

jennylee813 · December 2012

OP, unasking friends is rude, and will likely end the friendships, as PPs have stated.

No one got defensive until you called them high-strung.

Knowing that this 'mistake' happened months ago does not make it better. Being concerned about having even numbers and it not ruining YOUR day does not make it acceptable. Unless you and your FI elope, your wedding is about you AND your guests.

Why do something that will cause a world of hurt. Your wedding is one day. Your friendships are for life.

melb2013 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:76b5e231-3d24-4ed6-9b51-4f454d55e7f4">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]It stops being "the couple's day" the moment they choose to involve others in it, which they do by selectihng a wedding party, and inviting guests. Bad decision : Adding people to "even up" the sides. Why: When you look at your wedding album on your silver anniversary you should see the loving faces of friends, and remember how special it was to have them beside you that day. You won't count heads to see how many folks are in the photo, and calculate bride vs. groom ratios. There is not, and never has been, a tradition of even sides. Take a look at Princess Diana's wedding. She had several bridesmaids. Charles had only his two brothers. Worse decision: Kicking them out once you ask them. Why: It's a very public slight to the friend. It says the bride cares more about her pretty princess day than her FRIENDS' feelings. Those olut willl wonder why some were kept, but they didn't make the cut. It won't matter how you try to "communicate" this. Them's the facts, sweetie. By the way..... I'm 48, and have planned three weddings. I was widowed and divorced prior to this. I'm also from Austin. Take it from a bride with real experience: This is a bad decision that will make you a crappy friend and a bridezilla. PLEASE don't do this. It's only too late to rethink this on the wedding day.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. Every word of it. If your friends don't want to pay for a dress and sit in the front row (your best logistical situation), then they can drop out on their own. They don't need you to kick them out.

</div>

Simply Fated · December 2012

In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!:[QUOTE]Okay TXK, you may have a point. nbsp;However if we had said quot;No, that's rude. nbsp;You really shouldn't do that.quot;, you think that would have done the trick? Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]
Do you think saying nasty things back to her is going to work?
Now she's probably not even going to come back and even CONSIDER anyone's advice.
She obviously just wanted to be validated, but any chance of getting her to see the the light is gone.

myrinae · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:8743339e-3035-463c-8df2-43f48c4624e8">Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and 1 I guess none of you ever made a mistake ever in your life and 2 you didn't think your wedding was "your" special day, since obviously I am supposed to put everyone else's feelings before mine on MY wedding day.
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

<div>It being 'your' wedding day doesn't justify you acting like an ass. Would you treat people this way on any other day of the week? Then don't treat them like this on your wedding day. A mistake was made on your future husband's part. Suck it up and rectify it with grace and dignity. Do not downsize or demote anyone. </div>

Simply Fated · December 2012

In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!:[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Help! I need to downsize wedding party!:C'mon, ladies let's pull a Gandhi here .... "Be the change you wish to see in the world."nbsp; Posted by TXKristan

"It is better to be violent if there is violence in our hearts than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
Personally, my heart isn't filled with violence.
It pointless to get all nasty. It's the Internet. Don't take it so seriously.

JoseD12 · December 2012

Take the "advice" on here with a grain of salt. Having said that I know that situations happen and difficult choices need to be made but you can't predict how those affected will react. Be ready for any/all reactions from your weddin party.

zitiqueen · December 2012

banana468 · December 2012

I think the tangent here is ridiculous and I'm saying this as a lifelong CT resident, parent of a young child, friend of many who live or lived in Newtown/Sandy Hook including one whose own father is on the volunteer ambulance corp as a first responder on Friday and a Catholic. The tragedy is awful. That said, this isn't about the tragedy. The OP wants to boot some of her closest friends from her wedding because of aesthetics! The act is rude pure and simple. If we want to start the lecture, how about this: 1 Don't treat friends like props. 2 The way to respond to unbiased advice is with two words. Try them sometime. Here they are: thank you.

Peledreamsofrain · December 2012

Thank you banana. I couldn't believe my eyes when I came back to this post. No child's death should be exploited to try to manipulate and control people. You can disagree with what I say, by all means I welcome healthy discussion. But using the tragic death of children as an 'i win' card sickens me.

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:0577e95b-ef10-4c5e-9c18-05db86ec99f6">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm new to these forums, but I don't get the fuss over some of this. I was taken aback (and am not sure I want to get advice from any of you) by some of the harsh rudenss to the OP. I thought it was a breath of fresh air when TX said that we could stand to be a bit kinder, espeically in light of the shooting last week. How is that exploiting? Did I miss something?
Posted by JustSayYes2013[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto Liatris. Stick around, SayYes. You will see how often it happens that the OP has an idea, is told POLITELY that it is a bad idea and why, and then gets mad and says "Yeah, but...." and makes excuses and basically tells the respondents "You don't know my guests. They will be fine with it." And then often makes an insulting remark toward the people who were, in fact, trying to help in the first place. And that's when people get mad back. </div>

banana468 · December 2012

I get that people are extra emotional now I do.

I think that people are going to be rather irritated that the Newtown shooting by a deranged individual is somehow equivalent to booting a BM. They shouldn't be in the same sentence.

That said, people can be nicer to each other. Let's start by not booting people from our wedding parties.

libby2483 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:5b7db350-d336-4e99-941d-b05cafc959e2">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : That is completely understandable. But for this particular question, or any question really, I don't see a correlation between trying to help a poster with blunt advice and needing to bring up what happened in Newtown.
Posted by Edie Bee[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree. I think that it demeans the tragedy in Newton to draw connections with people being snarky on a message board. And I will fully admit that I was very direct, and could have been kinder in my post to the OP yesterday. However, her extremely rude behavior, both to her "friends" she is seeking to demote, and the people who replied to her post, rubbed me the wrong way. While I could have phrased my message more politely, this is exactly how I would have responded to someone who behaved that way in real life. So for PPs who said it is easy to forget that we are actually talking to people, that is simply not the case for me. I don't say anything on these boards I would not say to a person's face.</div>

jennylee813 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:5c1ca609-fc3d-456e-827a-c4708f381fa1">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]I get that people are extra emotional now I do. I think that people are going to be rather irritated that the Newtown shooting by a deranged individual is somehow equivalent to booting a BM. They shouldn't be in the same sentence.<strong> That said, people can be nicer to each other. Let's start by not booting people from our wedding parties.</strong>
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

<div>Here, here!</div><div>
</div><div>This would be an awesome place to start, Banana.</div>

libby2483 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:6498dbbf-ba41-4604-bca5-ef329f380430">Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! I need to downsize wedding party! : Ditto Liatris. Stick around, SayYes. You will see how often it happens that the OP has an idea, is told POLITELY that it is a bad idea and why, and then gets mad and says "Yeah, but...." and makes excuses and basically tells the respondents "You don't know my guests. They will be fine with it." And then often makes an insulting remark toward the people who were, in fact, trying to help in the first place. And that's when people get mad back.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. This is exactly the place I was coming from. If you have been told something nicely several times and are rude in return, people are going to be rude back.</div>

ashleyy00 · December 2012

I was greatly affected by the CT tragedy. So much so, that I am going to bring it up at completely random times to prove my point. I will then continue to try to prove my point and not see anything wrong with this until someone has to point out how offensive I am being.

You know what, TX, you suck.

And I mean that to sound as rude as it did.

wittykitty14 · December 2012

Regardless of how it got this far, you're definitely in a sticky situation. I can appreciate how quickly things like this can escalate. While it may not be on the same scale, we've all had situations where we make decisions before thinking them through. Now all you can do is move forward.

Last year one of my close friends asked me to be a bridesmaid shortly after she got engaged, and then a month later she un-asked me because they only wanted 3 attendants each. I was understanding, but still, it hurt a little. I wasn't upset because I wasn't in the party (even though I really wanted to). I was upset because she asked me very soon after the engagement, before she really thought it through, and then took it back. However, she and I are very good friends, and I never held it against her. I went to the wedding and had a great time, and she's still one of my closest friends. Now she's one of my bridesmaids. I agree with other posters, that un-asking is a good way to end a friendship, but it won't necessarily end it.

Having said that, I think you're stuck keeping your WP as is. I think that having only the MoH and BM stand with you and having the others seated is a FANTASTIC idea. It shows that they're still important people in your lives, but may solve your small space issue.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck! Wedding planning is a lot of fun, and I hope this hasn't weighed you down too much! I'm sure it will turn out alright!

MrsRozell88 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_help-i-need-to-downsize-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e89e4a65-d32c-4e04-a0e7-31e867e8d858Post:a082ad75-c751-4997-a376-6a310a06432b">Help! I need to downsize wedding party!</a>:
[QUOTE]Our original plan was to have a small ceremony with a small wedding party - 4 bridesmaids/groomsmen and my daughter as a junior bridesmaid. One night, Brett got drunk and asked a friend who wasn't in the original four to be a groomsman. This resulted in 3 more sets of attendants. The venue is very small, and I am startign to get very overwhelmed with the prospect of a large wedding party. How do I "unask" some people without hurting their feelings? Oh, the wedding is in May. Thanks!
Posted by KristiLei7[/QUOTE]

I had originally planned for 6 BM's & GM's, I politely explained that due to us having a smaller venue than planned, we decided to cut the party down, they all understood, because I had asked them to be involved in a different part of the wedding, such as reading, or guest book attendant, and they were all completely fine with it!! Good luck!!

chrestenau · December 2012

Oh boy! I hope everything turns out allright for you. If it helps...my fiance and I had always wanted a destination wedding. When I felt pushed (by family) into having a castle wedding (we live in upstate NY) we changed and booked a wedding at a castle and everything started turning into this big, over the top, been there, done that before, wedding. (we have both been married before for over 15 years). We had asked several family members to be in the wedding, because if you ask one sister-in-lae, you feel horrible not asking another. Throw into this mix, the fact that we have 5 children between us, that are in the bridal party. When my mother began speaking of seating charts, and favors, and what I "had" to do...my wonderful fiance put his foot down, and said we were cancelling this wedding, and going with our original plan of an island wedding. With this, came the idea that only my 3 daughters, and onlyhis son and daughter would be in the wedding...everyone else we loved was welcome to come to Tulum and stand around us as a family as well. We lovingly had a discussion with our family members that we originally asked to be in the wedding and told them how much we loved them, but we were flying away to the caribbean and getting married...they were all invited and we love them all, but it didn't make sense for them to foot the bill for bridal attire as well as a trip- we opted to have all stand up for us.(even though they are sitting down)...sounds crazy, but I think the way we delivered the message was part of the reason that our family members were accepting of our decision. Neither of us wanted to hurt anyone, but we just wanted something more simple...I think the advice that some of these ladies have given is excellent...have them walk down the aisle, then sit in the front row, in support, and be surrounded by family members, or just your daughter. I'm sure they will be honored to be in your wedding, in any form, and be happy for you. If you set out to tell them that it was a drunken mistake, that could really hurt feelings. The most important thing is that your friends and family are there...in the end, trust me, it doesn't matte who stands or sits where...enjoy your day, and I wish you all the best!

chrestenau · December 2012

*sorry for all the typos!

marta123456 · January 2013

Kristi i wouldnt worry about it, your friends will understand if you tell them the party was too big and you have to downsize. in the end, everyone knows it is YOUR wedding, and you have to do what you have to do!!!

ps my fiance is not an alcoholic either, and i can totally see him asking more freinds to be in the party when hes drinking. people need to ighten up!!

Help! I need to downsize wedding party!

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