Who's Out of Line - You decide

erinscanny · March 2013

I will preface this with this about a quarter of the full story to this adventure in bridesmaid hell. This is a short story so thanks for reading in advance. My best friend and I are BMs in our friends wedding. Previous to the engagement party (which the couple showed up 2 hours late for so the bride could get her hair done), I had not met her fiancé and not seen her in over 6 months. When she got engaged, we had planned to decline being in her wedding but she made it impossible. My best friend had just had a brain tumor removed, the bride was on support duty and blind sided her while she was heavily medicated the day she was released from the hospital. The bride and I work together, she asked me at work - she inner office mailed me a giant box - it was very uncomfortable. One, because she used company funds for a personal mail item and two it was so large everyone saw it get walked to my office. So We agreed and here we are and I'm glad We did because life & time truly got away from all us. My issue is, when the MOH emailed the bridal party introducing herself I responded and asked if we could get an understanding of what we would be responsible for and could we put a budget together. I have 2 kids under the age of 2, I'm a planner and frankly there are 9 of us girls and I only know 1 of them. They are all much younger than I am and made it clear after my email that they too need a budget as the need to start saving. Well it's been weeks and yesterday we got an email saying we are paying for the shower (minus decorations -they are reusing engagement party decorations, the hall is free and the MOH is picking up invites and favors) and that we should send the MOH a check to cover the food, dessert, beverages etc and my favorite the shower gift - a $400 deep freezer!! I wasn't too surprised because the bride had mentioned in passing how she had selected 4 large ticket items for us to pick from for her gift. It was quite shocking to hear she expected a gift. When I then looked up the large ticket items it was even more shocking - 1,000 Weber grill, a bedroom set, the freezer and $400 margarita maker. I felt like I didn't even know her. I want to email the MOH and reiterate that we need a budget. I don't see how $500 is going to cover the cost of the shower. The bride had 90 people at her engagement party. I also don't want to just be the financing for all the events. If I'm kicking in my money I'd like to be part of the planning. I also don't want to find out in a few months we don't have enough money! Is it wrong of me to say something? The MOB also told me at the engagement party that she has already planned the Bach party. Which I'm sure we are paying for, is not what the bride wants and is what the MOB wants. MOB has very strong personality, is regularly inappropriate and has no money. I'm so frustrated,as is my best friend, and we truly don't know what to do. I don't want to be the difficult BM but I need to understand what we are expected to pay for and if I am expected to chip in I want to be part of the planning! At least have a discussion before asking for money!! So I ask - who is out of line? Me, the bride or the MOH Argghhh!!

jessi3617 · March 2013

Well your definitely not out of line to me. You have the right to know what's going on and have a budget. I have 2 bms and we all sat down right up front and discussed everything. The only thing my girls are paying for is their dress. Which we set a budget off 200 for and went under.. also their hair and nailsif they decide to get them done I don't require them. I talk to my girl every day and keep them up to date on everything. And your bride should be communicating with you as well.

Peledreamsofrain · March 2013

I would advise you to send one more e-mail to the MoH politely expressing that you need to budget your finances, and need to understand what will be expected of you.

If she does not respond, or responds with an astronomical amount, then I would go ahead and politely decline being a BM with your friend in private (under no circumstances should you involve the MoH, or use e-mail). Don't bring up your frustrations, don't bring up any of the stuff you mentioned here. Just site that you cannot afford the role, and gracefully step down.

If she pitches a fit at you, then she's not a very good person, and you know that your friend is not who you thought she was.

MairePoppy · March 2013

The short answer to your question is the bride, the MOH and the MOB are the ones who are out of line.

Email, or better yet, Call the MOH and tell her that are able to contribute X dollars toward the shower and the gift. Don't offer excuses. Don't go over your own budget. The bride was out of line to give the the wedding party a choice of big ticket items to buy for her gift from them. The shower IS the gift. It should have been left to your discretion whether or not you wanted to purchase something in addition to that.

The only bm duties are - buy the dress, show up on time for the wedding and have a good attitude toward the couple. The showers and bps are extras and should be voluntary. Anyone, except the bride and groom can host it. Anyone who contributes to the parties, should have a say in the planning. So, you shouldn't have asked the MOH for a budget; you should have told her what you would be able to contribute. As for the BP, you didn't plan it, so you aren't responsible for the cost, other than paying your own way. If MOB has planned something that is not affordable for you or if you have other plans, you are not obligated to attend.

You are involved with a lot of pushy and greedy people, here - the bride, the MOH and the MOB. You need to learn to say NO. Period.

TBH, you probably should consider dropping out of this fiasco.

Edited for clarity

erinscanny · March 2013

Ladies you are awesome! MairePoppy I too thought the shower was gift enough and had planned to get her something with a little more meaningful than a freezer! Oh did I mention to Omaha steaks to go with it!! Ahhhhh!! I'm just glad I'm not going insane or being unreasonable in thinking that we were missing a key piece of communication! Thank you!,

banana468 · March 2013

Rather than ask for a budget, GIVE a budget. Say, "I can afford to spend X on all pre wedding parties because I've budgeted Y for the attire."

This puts you in the driver's seat and tells those who are stringing you along that they can't plan to do things that simply will not be financed.

lizybeff · March 2013

I agree with banana468. Pick a sum of money that you can afford, and that will be your "budget". Just reiterate that you will help with the planning, even if you can't contribute a large sum of money. Also, you can get whatever gift you want for the bride. It doesn't have to be the expensive items.

SLHedin · March 2013

Yup, I'm on the page as Banana &Lizy! If you feel you still want to be a maid at this point, you're just going to have to be upfront about what you can afford. And maybe just reiterate that if she wants you all to chip in for things that you all should get a bit of say-- esp. for gifts!

And Honestly, why on earth is this bride on the crazy train basically telling her wedding party "Here's a list of acceptable gifts for the following events. Please select one." I mean how rude!! Is this woman getting married for the gifts or for love?!

Good luck with the MOH & Budget issue!!

Who's Out of Line - You decide

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