Hawaii

How to diffuse a potential mother/daughter conflict...

Hi ladies,

So as I've been planning it's been hard to share details with my mom (who lives in a different state). But she tends to turn things around to being about her, and what she would like. Which I do take into account b/c I love her. However, it's my folks 35 wedding anniversary the week of our wedding & we'll be CRAZY busy doing the walk through & cake tasting, & marriage lic, welcome bags, HOPEFULLY enjoying Hawaii at some point. Needless to say, she had mentioned a while ago about renewing their vows & how she'd like myself, fiance, my brother, his GF to be there. & wanted to use whom ever we're using to marry us, to perform their renewal. Which we haven't even locked in our ceremony yet. SO,  I'm more worried about timing & even having time to celebrate in this manor, as it's Father's Day while we're there too. My fiance just feels that it's rude to steal the "spotlight" during their only daughters wedding.  So I'm conflicted on how to handle this...I was thinking of getting them a nice card, write some great words, & getting them leis & taking both of our parents out on Father's Day. Then present my parent's their card b/c that's the date of their anniversary, but leave it at that. I would like to acknowledge both sets of parents at the wedding as they're both celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary's this year...which is AWESOME! Does that sound ok? & how do I politely mention that to my mother? Just say, "I made us reservations at xyz (any suggestions where to go June 19th? btw?) for our families. We want to celebrate Father's Day & your anniversary. I hope that's ok?"  Does that sound reasonable. I just have a feeling based on her current reactions to certain wedding things that this could be an issue & it's giving me stomach aches just thinking about it.

Any advice would help!

Re: How to diffuse a potential mother/daughter conflict...

  • edited December 2011
    You know, it's 35 years which is a humblingly long time, they are in paradise with all of their loved ones who live out of state, and they are YOUR parents -- whose marriage has influenced who you are & helped to lead you to your own wedding.  It's hard to see why you wouldn't be excited to help them celebrate, too.  Your wedding is just one day, and I think you will all enjoy the week a lot more if you don't fill it with last minute todos (eg, cake will be cake - you can survive without a tasting), and instead embrace it as time in paradise with your dearest friends & family.  I would support the vow renewal and send the 2 of them off to a private dinner freeing you & FI, I would add a line acknowledging both families for their 35th in the ceremony or toast both parents during my RD/reception, and I would do something separate (simpler) for Father's Day.  But that's just me.

    I think you have 2 options:

    1.  Sit your mom down for a heart to heart call...share your thoughts & get hers before you make up your mind.

    2.  If you decide to go the "ignore the topic & email about dinner" path, stregthen your words.  It currently reads a bit wishy washy, like you know you are wrong :)
    image
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I totally agree with Tanq...i think it would be awesome to do a vow renewal with your parents...and send both sets of parents off for a romantic dinner.  For my parents anniversary one year i purchased two tickets on a sunset cruise...i think it was the maui princess but i am not sure.  From the top of my head Merrimans, Duo at the Four Seasons or Mala at the Marriott could be good options...the Ritz has a good resto as well and if they are into seafood there is always Mama`s Fish House. For both dad`s a card and maybe a round of golf if they are into it or just a card with a heartfelt message.  J.

  • edited December 2011
    I also totally agree with Tanq!
  • maui2011maui2011 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Rant away...no worries. Does she want to have an intimate sunset beach vow renewal with just immediate family or is she thinking of inviting the same guests that will also be at your wedding?  If it is the former, the ceremony is less than 15 mins and then you can shoo them off to their romantic dinner after a few beach photos...this should take just an hour or so of your time.  Can you WC help them out so that way you do not need to get bombarded with her details?  Talk with your FI and let...ensure...him that this will not take away from your wedding in anyway. It will be a small intimate ceremony on a beach. A photog for an hour should suffice and having a WC take care of any of the details will take the pressure off of you and the two or you can concentrate on yourselves. Now if she wants to invite more people then this is where you need to be persuasive and let her know point blank that that is unacceptable...an intimate ceremony you can support but anything above and beyond is just not realistic...this is your time and you do not mind sharing within these parameters...something like that. HTH! J. :-)
  • edited December 2011
    I also agree with Tanq!
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