Hi,
I had a bit of a rough weekend with my mom and was hoping for some thoughts/ideas on dealing with the situation.
Let me start by letting you know that a) she is the queen of cold shoulder and making you feel guilty, b) if you don't do it her way you get to deal with above, c) she has a crystal clear memory for remembering any slight against her, even if you have apologized, and will remind you of the slight even years later d) she is a fantastically strong, independent woman with a fun personality and I do admire that. Both she and my dad are paying for the food/drink at the wedding. So that being said here is a synopsis of what's been happening:
We have already changed the venue 4 times. Option #1 which was my dream wedding up at a conference centre by the lake that our family goes to every year. Well it was too tacky according to her and got ruled out. Option #2 was 1.5 hr away from our hometown but where my fiance and I currently live and therefore it was selfish of us to make people drive according to her therefore ruled out. Option #3 meant she could only invite some of her friends therefore ruled out. Option #4 is fine according to her - I'm was just so worn out by the process, who cares anymore.
After that I decided that I would stick to my own plan for the wedding. That is where the battle is occurring. I tell her my ideas and plans because I want her to be a part of it because she matters to me but now I don't want to tell her anything. Any idea that I have had she debates and then will make comments suggesting I change it and will list the reasons why I shouldn't do it. When she has an idea she will repeat it constantly until I say 'yes'. If I say 'I will think about it' she proceeds to do the guilt/ignore thing and will then bring up my reaction to the question at an inappropriate time.
For example, this weekend she pushed and pushed the idea that she and dad should sit with my fiance's parents at the reception. I like that idea BUT I know that my fiance's parents have already mentioned sitting with some out of town family they never see. But they are so good natured that that they would do anything I wanted but I don't always want to be dictating to them (they have already been run over by my mom on several occasions). So all I kept saying is "I'll think about it and let's wait to see who can make it to the wedding". Wrong answer. Regardless of the explanation of why I was waiting, she kept pushing. Finally I just snapped and said "fine, you can all sit together". Well apparently I didn't say it "sweet" enough and I should be so "uptight" and "the wedding doesn't have to be perfect". Sigh. So now I'm getting the cold shoulder cause I wasn't "sweet" when I agreed to her idea. I'm so tired of this.
Later in the day my mom came to me and I thought we'd discuss the issue (like we usually do) and then move on. Except she said "I just came to get permission to wear a dress to your bridal shower". I said that was fine and a good idea and asked what dress she would be wearing. She told me that it didn't matter because I don't care what she wears (referencing an event that took place a year ago where my mom said "I'm going to wear a hot sexy little number to your wedding" and I said "I don't care what you wear as long as you are there" and my mom took it as "I don't care what you wear" - whole other issue, I apologized at length and here it is a year later she brings it up). I told her that it hurt she'd bring that up after we had resolved the issue and I asked what I did wrong that she was acting this way. Well, WRONG question. And cycle repeats. At that point my sister arrived, we had lunch and then I took off.
I really don't know how much of this I can take. It has been the same reaction/cycle to anything I didn't agree with instantly (my dress, the flowers, the centerpieces, my shoes, a veil, hiring a limo, hiring a professional for my hair, the guest list on and on and on). I have tried talking to her and explaining that it is my wedding and I'd like some things to go my way but she doesn't seem to get it.
I don't want to just give in and say 'do whatever you want' because this is my wedding to the most fantastic man. My fiance has been a huge support through this and actually stepped in on some discussions this weekend because it was getting out of control (e.g. I had set aside rooms at a nearby hotel about 8 months ago and my mom insisted we go to the hotel to see it and once we where there she started questioning the front desk about group rates, shuttle bus packages etc - we had already done that and signed a contract. I told her we had already taken care of it, she didn't listen so my fiance stepped in and let her know we had already done this and then my mom backed off). But he can't start he life with me thinking he'll have to be on the defensive with my mom.
How should I handle this?? I don't want to exclude her and I don't want to just give her free reign on whatever she wants to do. I've tried talking to her but she doesn't seem to get it and more often then not just brushes it off and calls me dramatic and controlling.
Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. Thank you