Oh for eff's sake. Venting.

Hietaro · December 2010

My parents are driving me up the friggin' wall. Apparently my FI and I being engaged doesn't mean anything. Apparently we're still considered two seperate entities. When they asked us to come down after Christmas and said they'd pay for it, I assumed they meant that they'd pay for both of us to take a bus.

Apparently I was wrong. Apparently my FI has to pay them back for his portion of the ticket. Wth? Whenever FI's parents help us out, they help US out, not just FI because they acknowledge that we are together, we're living together, we share expenses, etc. I know when I tell my FI this it's gonna tick him off and make him not want to go down there. He didn't even want to go there in the first place because they refused to even acknowledge the engagement in the first place. I don't know, sometimes my family really brings my pot to a boil. I mean, why offer to pay and then be like "Oh, well your fiance has to pay for his half of the ticket"? It makes my FI feel like a jerk because they'll pay for me, but not him even though his parents help us out way more then mine have [i.e. his parents gave me a spare car they had because mine died on me and we need two cars to be able to get to work].

I don't know, am I wrong about feeling like this? I feel like if they want to see me, then they need to accept that I have a fiance now, that this is serious and we're getting married. I already went down there a couple weeks ago by myself. They know we're struggling as it is, which is why we haven't been able to buy tickets to go see either of our families, so why are they gonna offer to buy tickets and then turn around and say he has to pay for his? I know I'm probably gonna get some crap for this, but I just feel like this is just one more thing that my parents are doing to say "Hey, we don't acknowledge/approve of your relationship."

Stacylynn702 · December 2010

How did your parents treat FI before you got engaged? Can your parents afford both tickets?

I'm sorry they're hurting your feelings but I don't know the whole story of your relationship to give an opinion. I don't understand for what reason they don't accept your relationship. Have you talked to your parents about how this makes you feel? From what I've read all I can say is that you have 2 choices, pay for his ticket or don't go at all.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm in a bad mood myself. If you share more info, maybe I can be more of a help to you.

Hietaro · December 2010

They've never approved of our relationship. They prefer my ex, even though he physically and emotionally abused me. They think I should've stuck it out with him because we got married. I was a stupid teenager that made a rash decision, but I don't feel like I have to suffer through something like that because I made a dumb choice. I left my ex for my FI, and I don't regret it, it was the best decision I've ever made. And I don't think my mother has much room to talk considering she's been married to my dad for 22 years and has a 14 year old daughter with another man, besides the countless other men she's been with since they have been married.

FI has been nothing but nice to them, but they constantly throw it in his face, making snide comments and such, so he's just done trying with them. The only person that treats him with some sembelance of respect in my parent's house is my sister's dad [yes, my mom, dad, sister's dad, sister, and cousin all live in the same house]. And yes, I know my parents' can afford to pay for the two tickets, my mom is constantly going out to buy frivolous things or my sister spends her parents' money constantly, so I really think they can afford $130 for tickets for their daughter that lives 4.5 hours away from them and only sees them once every couple of months [though this past month was an exception 'cause of my birthday and Christmas].

And it wasn't like I was expecting them to pay for it. I didn't even ask. My sister's dad called and was asking when we were gonna come down and said he'd get tickets for us so we could come down sooner. When we initially talked, he never said "Well I'll front these tickets for you, but you guys will have to pay me back for his ticket." So for the last 4 days or so, we were under the impression that he was paying for both. Then my mom called yesterday and left a message asking if Nick [not WE, Nick] had bought his ticket and were they supposed to get mine or if Nick [again, not we, Nick] was gonna pay them back when we got there. So it seems like they're not acknowledging that we are serious.

jackiebean26 · December 2010

yikes, i say what stacy said <<<you have 2 choices, pay for his ticket or don't go at all. >>>

Hietaro · December 2010

Yeah, I'm going to pay for the ticket, but only because we want to see his parents because we haven't seen them since September. And I already have plans with my MOH for her to take our engagement pictures when we come down, so I want to do that, too. Otherwise, I'd just tell my parents not to bother because I'm seriously tired of them ignoring our relationship. He and I have been engaged for almost a month and the only acknowledgement of the engagement/wedding was my dad asking me, via facebook, why we pushed the date back because he thought it was next year.

miguelhilary2010 · December 2010

I agree with ETA: Stacy about your options. I also have to add that you will always be frustrated if you let events and things build up. A lot of people do this. You can't use old ammunition to lash out at a current issue. It's not fair, and it will make you insane if you look at the accumulation of problems rather than the one at hand. All you have to decide RIGHT NOW is whether you are willing to pay for your FI's ticket and how to address that with him. That is exclusive of what FIL's have done for you, or what your mom buys for your sister. Trust me, you will be much saner if you take it day by day.

I don't know how dependent or close you are with your family, but if I were in that situation I would tell them that I don't like how they treat my FI and that until they can be respectful of him and us as a unit, I will put some distance between us. If every time you interact with them its like a smack in the face, stop showing up to get smacked

get it?

Hietaro · December 2010

Yeah, I've never been close with my family. Up until I moved to Pittsburgh, my mother never seemed to give a crap about me. Now she calls every other week or so to "check up on me." While I was living there last year before I met my FI and my ex was in basic, they constantly would neglect to alert me when dinner was ready, so while everyone else got to eat I had to fend for myself. And their excuse was "Oh, we didn't know you were home." What? My car's parked outside, I've been downstairs a few times just looking for things to munch on or drink. How the hell did you not know I was home? I just have a lifetime of problems with my entire immediate family that I could get into, but I won't. But I will take your advice and while I'm down there let them know that until they start treating us as a unit I'm not going to interact with them.

miguelhilary2010 · December 2010

You don't have to cut them off completely, just limit what you're willing to put up with. It's a thin line to walk when you're trying to make a point, but don't want to start WWIII. My gma didn't accept my husband, so I chose to attend family gatherings less. I didn't do it because I was afraid of gma, I just didn't want to play her game. I couldn't sit there and let H get disrespected or ignored and not say anything. So I just limited my exposure to it. I still talked to my gma when I saw her, but I let it be known that I was not going to accept how she treated H and I was not going to dump him for her.

Hietaro · December 2010

I understand. Just with the very limited amount of exposure we already have right now, there's not much more I can cut out without cutting it all out. Get what I mean?

miguelhilary2010 · December 2010

I get it. Then you probably just have to change your mentality around it. Learn to desensitize/ignore it. It is what it is

You'll just have to learn to not let it make you crazy and annoyed. Easier said than done, I know.

Hietaro · December 2010

Well, the problem is, I am desensitized to it. FI, on the other hand, is not. It really annoys him more than it does me, though at this point it's starting to get to me more because of us now being engaged and they're still refusing to acknowledge it. But I'm still going to confront them about it because they need to learn to accept it. This man is going to be in my life for a very long time.

miguelhilary2010 · December 2010

Stop telling FI all the details if you know it bothers him. You don't have to lie, just dont tell him about everything. Like, you could pay for his bus ticket without him ever knowing it was an issue.

How long have you been with your FI?

Stacylynn702 · December 2010

I'm wondering how long too. you said that you lived with your family last year before you met FI?

Maybe your family is having a hard time with this b/c you left a marriage and are engaged once again a year later?

Hietaro · December 2010

I don't like to keep secrets from him. And I think he has a right to know the stuff my parents' say/do that concern him. That's just my outlook on it. And yes, he would know if I gave them money because we share the same bank account.

We've been together for almost 16 months.

Hietaro · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_oh-effs-sake-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:5d5471e7-d484-48e3-b61c-bccef729ec33Post:ff1bc959-e91d-4691-9092-bd0808f4950b">Re: Oh for eff's sake. Venting.</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm wondering how long too. you said that you lived with your family last year before you met FI? Maybe your family is having a hard time with this b/c you left a marriage and are engaged once again a year later?
Posted by Stacylynn702[/QUOTE] My previous marriage only lasted about 3 months, so I don't even consider it a marriage. And they have had a problem since I left my ex, even though they knew about him physically abusing me. I would think that any normal parents would be happy that their daughter was out of an abusive relationship and with someone who actually treats her right and makes her happy?

miguelhilary2010 · December 2010

If one day things blow over and your parents like your FI, he will not forget how they treated him at the beginning. That's why I said he doesn't need to know EVERYTHING. You've already acknowledged that you weren't that close with them, and you expect some of their crazy which is why you are desensitized, but your poor H is still relatively new to it and probably feels attacked. Reality is, they are the problem, not him, but he will be upset about it.

jessica0602 · December 2010

good god. this drama is self inflicted. how old are you that you feel you MUST tell your FI everything that your parents say about him? Not telling him that your parents say something not exactly nice or flattering about him is not keeping secrets. It's keeping peace. You are creating drama within your relationship by keeping this crap up.

Hietaro · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_oh-effs-sake-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:5d5471e7-d484-48e3-b61c-bccef729ec33Post:f35b9a28-251d-42bd-837e-8256db0d0889">Re: Oh for eff's sake. Venting.</a>:
[QUOTE]If one day things blow over and your parents like your FI, he will not forget how they treated him at the beginning. That's why I said he doesn't need to know EVERYTHING. You've already acknowledged that you weren't that close with them, and you expect some of their crazy which is why you are desensitized, but your poor H is still relatively new to it and probably feels attacked. Reality is, they are the problem, not him, but he will be upset about it.
Posted by miguelhilary2010[/QUOTE] I know, and I can understand that, but like I said, i don't like keeping things from him. I know that if they ever get over it and start treating him like a human being, he will be man enough to bury the hatchet. It's just the them getting over it part, and I feel like if I don't tell him and he finds out, he'll get upset with me. I'd rather just be upfront with him.

Hietaro · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_pennsylvania-philadelphia_oh-effs-sake-venting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:105Discussion:5d5471e7-d484-48e3-b61c-bccef729ec33Post:28a317ed-f613-4b55-bb87-6c7c9a157527">Re: Oh for eff's sake. Venting.</a>:
[QUOTE]good god. this drama is self inflicted. how old are you that you feel you MUST tell your FI everything that your parents say about him? Not telling him that your parents say something not exactly nice or flattering about him is not keeping secrets. It's keeping peace. You are creating drama within your relationship by keeping this crap up.
Posted by jessica0602[/QUOTE] Wow. Could you be a little bit more rude? Just because you don't share everything with your significant other does not mean that everyone does that. I think he definitely had a right to know about this situation in particular because it's our money that we have to spend when they had originally led us to believe that they were paying.

ooodsie · December 2010

I agree with Jess. You're telling FI way too much about what your parents have to say .. it's not a matter of being dishonest or not sharing everything your FI, it's a matter of knowing when to keep your mouth shut and not hurt FI's feelings. That's not lying to him - it's just trying to keep everyone sane.

My MIL and I don't always see eye to eye, and I've had choice words for her and vice versa.. if DH told me things that she probably has said about me behind closed doors it would certainly only HURT everyones relationship, not help.

Theres such a thing as too much brutal honesty hurting someones feelings when it's really not needed.

Oh for eff's sake. Venting.

Re: Oh for eff's sake. Venting.

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