Bridesmaidzilla SOS

meegant · September 2010

I invited a girl to be a BM out of a childhood promise that I have long outgrown. She has been a horrible friend to me, and in the last month has solidified her need to pull me down and become a casualty of her selfishness. I have been engaged for 4 months and she doesn't know how my Fiancé proposed. With all the wedding planning the only thing she has asked about is what she is wearing and what her hair will look like. When I told her I was engaged she started crying about how "jealous she was and couldn't understand how I was getting married before her."

How do I get out of this? My last encounter with her I ended our friendship, but she was wasted and crying so I doubt she remembers. I am terrified my wedding day will become another outlet for her need to drink herself idiotic and yet another venue for a meltdown about herself.

I simply cannot spend my wedding day babysitting and picking up the pieces of someone who is barely in my life anymore.

I know that unbridesmaiding people is an awful thing to do...but is my own sanity worth the politics of keeping someone on board who is not there for me?

HELP

sclams · September 2010

I can't help but ask, why on earth did you ask her to be a BM in the first place, if you have "long outgrown" this friend? Maybe I'm missing something, but it sounds like you knew she was a horrible friend and asked her anyway?

xyrius · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:e2b80faa-de5f-4b85-b442-dd566b24311dPost:46b2bbf7-c22f-403f-9910-19d535d9d6f2">Bridesmaidzilla SOS</a>:
[QUOTE]I invited a girl to be a BM out of a childhood promise that I have long outgrown. She has been a horrible friend to me, and in the last month has solidified her need to pull me down and become a casualty of her selfishness. I have been engaged for 4 months and she doesn't know how my Fiancé proposed. With all the wedding planning the only thing she has asked about is what she is wearing and what her hair will look like. When I told her I was engaged she started crying about how "jealous she was and couldn't understand how I was getting married before her." How do I get out of this? My last encounter with her I ended our friendship, but she was wasted and crying so I doubt she remembers. I am terrified my wedding day will become another outlet for her need to drink herself idiotic and yet another venue for a meltdown about herself. I simply cannot spend my wedding day babysitting and picking up the pieces of someone who is barely in my life anymore. I know that unbridesmaiding people is an awful thing to do...but is my own sanity worth the politics of keeping someone on board who is not there for me? HELP
Posted by meegant[/QUOTE]

1) If all she's asked you to-date is about her hair and what she'll be wearing, I think that's all she needs to ask you. What all are you expecting from her?
2) In this situation if you ask her not to be your bridesmaid, it will likely end your friendship - and it sounds like that's what you want to do anyways. I think you should probably end the friendship first anyway, and do it in person while she's sober.
3) I don't understand why you asked her in the first place to be your bridesmaid if you didn't consider her a friend and you made the promise when you were a child.

FutureMrsTR · September 2010

You know, we were doing some reorganizing and I was looking through my high school yearbook right around when we sent invites out and I saw a note from a friend that included "And I expect an invite to your wedding even if we haven't talked in 10 years!" and...well...we haven't talked in about 10 years. I guess I should have sent an invite, huh?

[Deleted User] · September 2010

I don't even think my mother knows how H proposed, let alone my friends. I don't expect anyone to remember, they weren't there. But regardless, if you've already ended the friendship then you might as well kick her out. Just make sure she's sober, like PP said.

zitiqueen · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e2b80faa-de5f-4b85-b442-dd566b24311dPost:46b2bbf7-c22f-403f-9910-19d535d9d6f2">Bridesmaidzilla SOS</a>:
[QUOTE]I invited a girl to be a BM out of a childhood promise that I have long outgrown. She has been a horrible friend to me, and in the last month has solidified her need to pull me down and become a casualty of her selfishness. I have been engaged for 4 months and she doesn't know how my Fiancé proposed. With all the wedding planning the only thing she has asked about is what she is wearing and what her hair will look like. When I told her I was engaged she started crying about how "jealous she was and couldn't understand how I was getting married before her." How do I get out of this? My last encounter with her I ended our friendship, but she was wasted and crying so I doubt she remembers. I am terrified my wedding day will become another outlet for her need to drink herself idiotic and yet another venue for a meltdown about herself. I simply cannot spend my wedding day babysitting and picking up the pieces of someone who is barely in my life anymore. I know that unbridesmaiding people is an awful thing to do...but is my own sanity worth the politics of keeping someone on board who is not there for me? HELP
Posted by meegant[/QUOTE]

You knew what you were signing up for. Nobody held a gun to your head and forced you to ask her to stand up, you chose to do that. Suck it up, Buttercup; you made your own bed here.

georgia_bride09 · September 2010

My Magic 8-ball says you probably won't man up and kick her out and in eight months you'll be back complaining that she isn't planning your shower or b-party.

Kick her out now while you still have time.

xyrius · September 2010

And OP, at least have the decency to kick her out BEFORE she spends any money on your wedding. (like a dress)

meegant · September 2010

I thought she grew up and was capable of acting like an adult. I was wrong.

It's like somehow getting convinced that every single one of your cousins "deserves" to be in the wedding (which I didn't do) but that is how she became involved. I wish I would have gone with my gut and left her out of it.

PS. If I am in someones wedding, I like to know how the bride and groom got there. All of my other attendants were kind of enough to care, she was the only one who didn't, it hurt my feelings.

Sheesh.

heyimbren · September 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaidzilla-sos?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:e2b80faa-de5f-4b85-b442-dd566b24311dPost:c6facb68-fe15-4999-a2e3-28c80e3d7808">Re: Bridesmaidzilla SOS</a>:
[QUOTE]I thought she grew up and was capable of acting like an adult. I was wrong. It's like somehow getting convinced that every single one of your cousins "deserves" to be in the wedding (which I didn't do) but that is how she became involved. I wish I would have gone with my gut and left her out of it. PS. If I am in someones wedding, I like to know how the bride and groom got there. All of my other attendants were kind of enough to care, she was the only one who didn't, it hurt my feelings. Sheesh.
Posted by meegant[/QUOTE]

That's nice, and I agree with you. But it really isn't a big deal. I don't think that's reason enough to stop being friends with someone.

But right, if you don't want to be friends you can kick her out just by ending the friendship basically. But there's no way that you can't just suck it up for a while? You don't have to, but I'd just find it easier than stepping on people's toes.

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