FMIL....dont know what to do!

KoriMarie062213 · April 2012

we went over to my FMIL house the other day and she asked if it was going to be a dry or wet wedding! we said probably wet. she then asked us why! we said because its are day and that what we want! then she told us that if its a wet wedding his grandparents proabably wont be there long or at all! (they dontl agree with alcohol,christian that dont like it). We said its a once and a life time thing and we want it there bc we want a few drink not to get trashed! and our friends want to and some of his and my family want to too! she said exactly why do u need it there for the once and a life time thing! we konw there are people on both sides of our families that dont drink but they wont throw a fit over it! they will just deal with it! we had an idea that we would split the time half would be dry-with all the mother son,father daughter and first dance. the boquet and garter toss and speeches done and meal and cake done. then the drinking will start so that the people that dont want to be there anymore and see the alcohol can leave early! what do u guys think? any other ideas?!?

Sorry so long! Thanks!!

ChristineNB · April 2012

My family also does not approve of the fact I am having alcohol at my wedding (interestingly enough my family is from Ohio, so maybe it is partially a midwest thing). My mom would be fine with it if I was just having the sterotypical champange toast, but once she found out it was a full open bar with that would include liquor, she does not approve. I know almost all of my family doesn't drink, and I am sure there will be some that will not approve of the fact I am serving alcohol at my wedding. That being said, like you, I knew I wanted alcohhol at my wedding...a dry wedding just is not something I envision.

I'm not sure about the idea of serving alcohol after the dances and garter toss. Wouldn't that be after dinner, and what if people want to drink with dinner? Are you having a cocktail hour? Will there be alcohol for the cocktail hour? Ultimately, if you and your fiance are paying for it you can have it however you want. I honestly would be shocked if his grandparents left early, and wonder more if your FMIL is saying that just to get a rise out of you.

ccarrion77 · April 2012

My SIL's family said the same thing. Most people in my family are parties, not to extremes or anything, they just know how to celebrate. She called her families bluff and had alcohol even though one of her grandmothers constantly threaten not to come. They had a full open bar the whole reception and everyone came and was fine. She did make sure to seat all of the non-drinker together though so it wasn't right in there face. I'm not saying this is what you should do, every family dynamic is different, but if your family wants to be there for you two then they will regardless of what people are drinking. Plus if they're leave early regardless its doubtful that many will be drunk by then anyway.

MyNameIsNot · April 2012

"No one will be forcing the non-drinkers to drink. I'm sorry if they refuse to be anywhere that alcohol is served. We have decided to serve alcohol. If that means they won't come, we'll miss them."

Don't open it up to debate with her. Stand strong with "this is what we've decided to do" and change the subject. She's never going to be convinced, and as long as you explain yourself, she's going to try to convince you to change your mind. She doesn't have to understand your reasoning. She just needs to understand that the decision has been made.

StephBeanWed61502 · April 2012

My friend went to a wedding where the couple tried the kind of "split-time" compromise you describe, and my friend's take was that people actually got more intoxicated because they were trying to "make the most of" the short period of time in which they were "allowed" to drink. If you don't believe in drinking (or can't afford an open bar), cool, don't serve alcohol. But if you want to have (and can afford) an open bar, then have one. Don't create weird and arbitrary limitations on when people are "allowed" to drink just to appease people whose point of view you don't even agree with.

I find it really hard to believe that FI's grandparents are completely incapable of sucking it up and being in the presence of alcohol for a few hours at a time. They've never been to a restaurant that serves alcohol? They've never gone to any party ever in their 60+ years of life where alcohol was served? I highly, highly doubt that. If they're so into taking the "moral highground" that they'd skip their grandson's wedding, that's on them, not you and your FI.

angelsong21 · April 2012

I agree with PP that I find it hard to believe these people can't be around alcohol for a few hours. They don't have to drink -- no one is going to force them to. Do they not go out to restaurants that serve alcohol? My grandma was VERY anti-alcohol and my parents also don't drink. That being said, neither one would ever threaten to not come to our wedding because of it. That's just silly to me. It's not a frat party. People are not going to be getting blitzed and throwing up everywhere. It's a wedding. I agree that you need to stand your ground and remain firm that its not up for debate.

GoodLuckBear14 · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmildont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:14Discussion:569b535c-8683-42c9-818c-3ddb5536f94aPost:3dbe1a0d-0104-4802-8f0a-b7af98da75d8">Re: FMIL....dont know what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]"No one will be forcing the non-drinkers to drink. I'm sorry if they refuse to be anywhere that alcohol is served. We have decided to serve alcohol. If that means they won't come, we'll miss them." Don't open it up to debate with her. Stand strong with "this is what we've decided to do" and change the subject. She's never going to be convinced, and as long as you explain yourself, she's going to try to convince you to change your mind. She doesn't have to understand your reasoning. She just needs to understand that the decision has been made.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]

This. And make sure your FI will back you up on it.

ermjdecember2015 · April 2012

My FI's family is also from Southern OH and SOME of them are very Baptist and will not come to our reception if there is alcohol. I told him thats fine, they can leave then. If they are going to go through the trouble of making a stink about it, then they dont need to come. My family parties, my family has a good time, Im not going to deny my family of a good time because a hand full of people dont agree with it. I hope your figure everything out. Dont compromise your day!

ujocdeelovely · April 2012

I personally think it is none of their business to tell you what to have at your wedding. If they don't like to drink no one is holding a gun to their head and making them drink. My FI mother is a very religious Mormon and does not believe in alcohol but I'm not going to not have alcohol because of her.

zitiqueen · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmildont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:569b535c-8683-42c9-818c-3ddb5536f94aPost:13f5fce8-39eb-47bb-8843-267b0553b93c">Re: FMIL....dont know what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My family also does not approve of the fact I am having alcohol at my wedding (interestingly enough my family is from Ohio, so maybe it is partially a midwest thing).</strong>
Posted by ChristineNB[/QUOTE]

Nope. It's almost always a religious thing.

zitiqueen · April 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_fmildont-know-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:569b535c-8683-42c9-818c-3ddb5536f94aPost:c29e00f6-6230-466d-a5cd-6975d76a1a4d">FMIL....dont know what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]we went over to my FMIL house the other day and she asked if it was going to be a dry or wet wedding! we said probably wet. she then asked us why! we said because its are day and that what we want! then she told us that if its a wet wedding his grandparents proabably wont be there long or at all! (they dontl agree with alcohol,christian that dont like it). We said its a once and a life time thing and we want it there bc we want a few drink not to get trashed! and our friends want to and some of his and my family want to too! she said exactly why do u need it there for the once and a life time thing! we konw there are people on both sides of our families that dont drink but they wont throw a fit over it! they will just deal with it! we had an idea that we would split the time half would be dry-with all the mother son,father daughter and first dance. the boquet and garter toss and speeches done and meal and cake done. then the drinking will start so that the people that dont want to be there anymore and see the alcohol can leave early! what do u guys think? any other ideas?!? Sorry so long! Thanks!!
Posted by KoriMarie062213[/QUOTE]

Are you paying for your wedding and reception?

spiment · April 2012

Stand your ground. I would have your fiance talk to his grandparents and say its not out of disrespect but in addition to respecting their decisions about alcohol you are also respecting other people's decisions and your own about alcohol and that he loves them very much and would be really sad if they didn't come over something so silly.

librababy · April 2012

Regardles of what you do, someone will be unhappy. It is your day and if they want to celebrate with you, no matter what, they will. If they choose not to go, that is their loss. I would not do a split set-up.

My fmil and her sister want us to have a church wedding. We're not. fmil's sister actually asked fmil if she could'nt convince us. Well, if she has an issue with our wedding not being in a church, she can rsvp no.

kmmssg · April 2012

When I hear this, my first thought is "do they ever eat at Applebees, Ruby Tuesdays, Outback, etc?" If so, they have shown they are perfectly capable of enjoying their dinner while others are drinking a cocktail with theirs.

Politely and respectfuly stand your ground on this one. I think starting dry and then having alcohol a few hours later is rude to your guests. They can't drink for the first couple of hours because 2 or 3 people at your reception don't like it? We dealt with this at DD's wedding as her biomom and stepdad (and their ginormous families) do not approve of alcohol. We refused to engage in the conversation, stuck with our plans and made sure our guests could get non alocholic beverages without standing at the bar. No one refused to come (but it was threatened) and no one left when they figured out someone at the next table was drinking alcohol.

sonya+adam · April 2012

Ditto PPs, you need to stand your ground. No one is going to be pouring alcohol down their throats. I'm sure they can deal with being in the same room as alcohol for a few hours.

christasoh · May 2012

Hold your ground. I wouldn't compromise or "split" time. It's a lovely thought on your part, but I really think you should just be firm that your decision has been made, and leave it at that. Set the boundary with her NOW because there will definitely be more issues to come like this.
Best of luck!

BriD253 · May 2012

Don't give in. It's your wedding and she has no say period. Especially if she isnt paying.

FMIL....dont know what to do!

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