Getting Engaged - Negative comments?

KayleeP13 · June 2012

So my FIANCE and I are engaged! I will share the story later. I am so excited. When you know you know!!! I am waiting till I tell each member of my family in person before I annouce it to my friends (probably on Facebook for most of them) and I am kind of afraid of people saying negative things. My fiance and I have only been together for 3 months. We are both professionals. We both have a child. We both are grown and know what we are getting into. I just have no doubt about us.

And it's not even that I care about "what people think" I just don't know what I will say if someone had the audacity to say something in person that is negative....

roseofdeborah · June 2012

We got engaged after 9 months, we don't have kids and things to worry about though. That seems like it makes things a lot harder. We still got the are you seriously getting married this soon comments, so I'd learn to handle those now. More people's interests are involved since there is kids so there will be plenty of opinions.

KayleeP13 · June 2012

The kids are not so much an issue. They are very well adjusted

My son just adores him. My sons father was never involved. I really do not even think that the kid comments will happen, more just the "omg it's so soon".

bluebuckeye84 · June 2012

My fiance and I have only been together 7 months. We have not received not one negative comment. Everyone is just happy for us. We were the same way "when you know, you know" I'm sure it will be the same for you, and anyone who is negative about it is not really a friend to begin with. Congratulations on your engagement!

pomundson0 · June 2012

WOW this got longer than I thought it would! Oops!

We got engaged after less time than you, and I got to deal with one particularly nasty reaction. It was my birthday, we had a handful of friends meeting downtown for dinner, and one of my friends was running late (no biggie). He had proposed a little before dinner so we hadn't told anyone yet and were super excited. So, said friend called and ranted how 'next time you decide to do something downtown, a map of parking would REALLY be appreciated' in a pretty snarky tone. Silly me, I googled the restaurant and they said where the parking was, not to mention she knew downtown better than any of us. But bad on my part. So she wasn't in a good mood, this is going to be fun, but it'll be ok was was I was thinking. Keeping in mind this friend has been single for a long time and has trouble with it. So, figuring she was grumpy, I really didn't want to spring the news on her with the rest of the group (I could just picture her grinding her teeth in the corner and trying to bolt). So she finally gets there and I run downstairs to chat with her outside and break the news to her and let her react as she will. She comes huffing (stomping actually) up the sidewalk, very cranky (after we had pulled out all the stops to make her birthday the best we possibly could mind you), and just wanted to go upstairs to get the night overwith. So I got her talking outside, she had some stress going on with work and her dad, and the holidays are a hard time for her, and I said it would have been ok if she didn't want to come, I would have understood, and she said that she would have 'felt bad'. So, I got her talking, calmed her down a bit, and broke the news to her, and asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. Her response will forever be burned into my memory:

She huffed/sighed/'ugh'-ed, put her hands on her hips, rolled her eyes, and said "are you F*****G kidding me. I just KNEW something like this would happen today."

you say that about a flat tire, not about one of your closest friends getting engaged. On her birthday ;p I was prettymuch stunned into silence, I nearly said 'nevermind' and walked away, but I held my ground. She did eventually apologize and started crying saying it was all too much, she was happy for me but she had to leave. She never even made it upstairs. And I felt like I had to apologize, which is silly. I shook it off as best as I could, returned upstairs, and we made our announcement. There was so much happiness and excited chatter it chased away the bad feelings for a while.

She did end up apologizing about a week or two later, after we had a serious talk about it. She was hurt that things were getting that serious and she thought I hadn't introduced them for some silly reason like I was ashamed of her (wtf?). We lived in different cities, he was visiting on weekends, when she worked, it wasn't intentional. She has thankfully since come around, and is actually excited and happy now, but I'll never forget what she said. People can tell you to let stuff roll off your back but it's not that easy. Focus on the ones that are happy and love and support you, the others will come around if they're worthy of your love

And Congrats!!

erollis · June 2012

Congratulations Kay! There is nothing wrong with knowing after any period of time. When you know you know and we all get married at different paces. We took so long we got comments and side eyed that we weren't married yet after dateing 8 years.

Just tell those negative people "When you know you know" and "Our children are happy and excited to be a family". If people are really nasty just say "That's your opinion and that is ok" and "Oh, (insert any other topic here)".

Pomund, Your friend wasn't intentionally negative. It seems like a knee jerk reaction since she apologised to you. She was going through a rough time. And I can see someone who is single and feeling undesirable thinking that. She just said it because she was going through so much. I am so happy you two are still friends and have it all sorted out. It was smart though to tell her about it alone because she would have been so embarrassed if she said that in front of everyone! Congrats to you too and hope your planning is going well.

UberBiz · June 2012

I'm in a similar boat, I just got engaged, and we've been together 9 months and we both have a kid... My sister, who also just got engaged (coincidence? LoL), has been with her bf for 3 YEARS, met at college, now live together...

I think it's different when you have a life and kids already, you're more ready for that "next step" so I don't think it's weird at all. Also, my family and friends know what I went through with my ex, and how far I've come to be at this point, so I haven't gotten any negative comments.

I'll say don't worry about it and just show them how happy you are and they will follow suit!

runpipparun · June 2012

I think anytime you get engaged before the 1-year mark, you have to be prepared for some questioning glances. We certainly talked about it beforehand, and we decided to wait a couple months for that reason. I wanted our engagement to be received with SOME measure of excitement, mostly for his sake, as I got engaged at 23 to a guy my friends hated (with good reason), so I've been through the whole "engagement backlash" thing. I didn't want that for my fiance, and I thought we'd have a better shot of avoiding scorn at 8 months than 5 or 6 months. In the end, we chose to get engaged when we did so that we could plan our wedding for next summer

.

We are 29 (me) and 27 (him), and we've gotten an array of reactions. My parents, who have been around us the most, are very excited. After only a couple of months of dating, my dad made a comment about how well suited we were to each other and how comfortable we seemed to be together. I think their support matters most, considering that they know us the best.

HIS parents have not been as supportive. His mom says she doesn't know how to feel because she hasn't had a chance to get to know me. I've spent a (very awkward) weekend with her, had dinner with her, spoken with her on the phone, exchanged emails, etc. Despite all that, the woman has never asked me a personal question or made an effort to learn anything about me from her son when they speak on the phone. This is in contrast to my folks who initially asked me lots of questions about him, despite the fact that they saw him a couple times a month.

His baby sister has been a nutjob, but then she's been married twice with no engagement.

His friends and coworkers have, for the most part, been really supportive. My friends, even the long distance ones, have been really supportive. Only a couple of people have given us a sideways glance.

runpipparun · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-engaged-negative-comments?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a5b34351-b73b-45eb-8e61-fcc7453562c6Post:4f6f5786-194c-43c9-a8ce-2e3631e60807">Re: Getting Engaged - Negative comments?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a similar boat, I just got engaged, and we've been together 9 months and we both have a kid... My sister, who also just got engaged (coincidence? LoL), has been with her bf for 3 YEARS, met at college, now live together... I think it's different when you have a life and kids already, you're more ready for that "next step" so I don't think it's weird at all. <strong>Also, my family and friends know what I went through with my ex, and how far I've come to be at this point, so I haven't gotten any negative comments.</strong> I'll say don't worry about it and just show them how happy you are and they will follow suit!
Posted by UberBiz[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'll ditto this.</div><div>
</div><div>I think it's different when you're older and your identity is formed, whether you have kids or not. Neither of us has been married or has kids, but neither are WE kids anymore. You know?

</div>

jazzypoor3 · June 2012

Im getting the same thing as we have been dating for 1 month but we Known each other at church for 1 1/2 year so we knew all we could first but my famliy keeps going if it works

KayleeP13 · June 2012

Wow!!! How awful!!!! I am just on such a high of love I don't think anyone can bring me down.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-engaged-negative-comments?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a5b34351-b73b-45eb-8e61-fcc7453562c6Post:d56ca4a2-5cc7-47db-8a5d-e0ed4afd06e0">Re: Getting Engaged - Negative comments?</a>:
[QUOTE]WOW this got longer than I thought it would! Oops! We got engaged after less time than you, and I got to deal with one particularly nasty reaction. It was my birthday, we had a handful of friends meeting downtown for dinner, and one of my friends was running late (no biggie). He had proposed a little before dinner so we hadn't told anyone yet and were super excited. So, said friend called and ranted how 'next time you decide to do something downtown, a map of parking would REALLY be appreciated' in a pretty snarky tone. Silly me, I googled the restaurant and they said where the parking was, not to mention she knew downtown better than any of us. But bad on my part. So she wasn't in a good mood, this is going to be fun, but it'll be ok was was I was thinking. Keeping in mind this friend has been single for a long time and has trouble with it. So, figuring she was grumpy, I really didn't want to spring the news on her with the rest of the group (I could just picture her grinding her teeth in the corner and trying to bolt). So she finally gets there and I run downstairs to chat with her outside and break the news to her and let her react as she will. She comes huffing (stomping actually) up the sidewalk, very cranky (after we had pulled out all the stops to make her birthday the best we possibly could mind you), and just wanted to go upstairs to get the night overwith. So I got her talking outside, she had some stress going on with work and her dad, and the holidays are a hard time for her, and I said it would have been ok if she didn't want to come, I would have understood, and she said that she would have 'felt bad'. So, I got her talking, calmed her down a bit, and broke the news to her, and asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. Her response will forever be burned into my memory: She huffed/sighed/'ugh'-ed, put her hands on her hips, rolled her eyes, and said "are you F*****G kidding me. I just KNEW something like this would happen today." you say that about a flat tire, not about one of your closest friends getting engaged. On her birthday ;p I was prettymuch stunned into silence, I nearly said 'nevermind' and walked away, but I held my ground. She did eventually apologize and started crying saying it was all too much, she was happy for me but she had to leave. She never even made it upstairs. And I felt like I had to apologize, which is silly. I shook it off as best as I could, returned upstairs, and we made our announcement. There was so much happiness and excited chatter it chased away the bad feelings for a while. She did end up apologizing about a week or two later, after we had a serious talk about it. She was hurt that things were getting that serious and she thought I hadn't introduced them for some silly reason like I was ashamed of her (wtf?). We lived in different cities, he was visiting on weekends, when she worked, it wasn't intentional. She has thankfully since come around, and is actually excited and happy now, but I'll never forget what she said. People can tell you to let stuff roll off your back but it's not that easy. Focus on the ones that are happy and love and support you, the others will come around if they're worthy of your love :) And Congrats!! :D
Posted by pomundson0[/QUOTE]

KayleeP13 · June 2012

I agree. I think already having the responsibility of a mortgage and a family, I can really narrow down exactly what is missing and what I need! Congrats!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-engaged-negative-comments?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a5b34351-b73b-45eb-8e61-fcc7453562c6Post:4f6f5786-194c-43c9-a8ce-2e3631e60807">Re: Getting Engaged - Negative comments?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a similar boat, I just got engaged, and we've been together 9 months and we both have a kid... My sister, who also just got engaged (coincidence? LoL), has been with her bf for 3 YEARS, met at college, now live together... I think it's different when you have a life and kids already, you're more ready for that "next step" so I don't think it's weird at all. Also, my family and friends know what I went through with my ex, and how far I've come to be at this point, so I haven't gotten any negative comments. I'll say don't worry about it and just show them how happy you are and they will follow suit!
Posted by UberBiz[/QUOTE]

[Deleted User] · June 2012

First off, congrats!! I don't think you're going to get the negative response you might be antiscipating. I think since you're a grown woman with a child people will respect your choice a lot more. And if they don't please cling to that happiness that your new fiance gives you! People will soon grow to accept your happiness and respect the light your hubby brings you. Just be patient

I hope everything works out, definitely post the story asap!!

nextrightthing · June 2012

Congrats! My post that follows is not meant to be mean, so I hope you don't take it that way. Just being honest.

I think that, if you get an odd reaction, it will be mainly out of concern for you. I can imagine that people will also worry about whether you are making the right decision for your children. I know you say it won't really impact the children, but that's sort of silly. It is going to completely change their lives. Whether your FI is great with your child or not, it is going to be bringing another parent into the equation. Please don't minimize that.

This is not to say you are making a bad decision. I do think sometimes when you know, you know (not always. Hormones and love can be confused). But it is also true that it takes some time to get to know someone, and sometimes our feelings overwhelm our sensibilities. It also strikes me that you are worried about people's reactions....that makes me think perhaps you are iffy about getting married too quickly. If you were sure, would it matter what others thought? I think you would be doing yourself, your children, and your future marriage a huge favor by having a long engagement. If you are going to spend your lives together, what's the rush? Especially if you are a young bride. (No offense to young brides).

I was engaged in 2006 to a guy I met who proposed after a couple months. Then we rushed into planning right away....our engagement was going to be over a year, but two months before the wedding I realized that I now knew him for real and he wasn't a person I could spend the rest of my life with. I'm not saying this will happen to you, but it does happen! It was very embarassing and expensive to call off a wedding two months beforehand, but thank GOD I did. Now I'm 29, engaged to a guy I have been with for almost two years, and I still insisted on a 22 month engagement, just because there is no rush! We are building a marriage, not a wedding.

Just my two cents!

HeyItsMeV · June 2012

When someone says something negative you can choose either to address it, or do as I did and just smile and blink. lol..And thats the truth. I was just posting on another thread and shared that when I got engaged, some negative energy surrounded me. My fiances family seemed upset because of the distance we are from them, which confirmed that he would not come home. And also they slightly did not believe we became engaged, it felt like he spent more time convincing them that we really are engaged rather then being excited...

They seem on board now, but initially when your all happy and excited, you dont want people questioning you, you just want love to surround you.

All I could do though was smile and listen to what they had to say, as far as friends go: If your posting on facebook you can always delete the negativity. Another way to address some of the comments of becoming engaged to fast is, "When you know, you know". Simple and true !

Congratulations and all the best!

NicoleLyn1218 · June 2012

My boyfriend and I have been dating about 7 months and have known each other almost 9...although we have been talking about getting engaged and picked out rings after four months of dating. It's his rule to not propose til a year has gone by....so I'll be waiting a little bit yet, but I guess I could be the exception to the rule and have it coming when I least expect it. Don't worry about what people think....when you know, you know!!!

MeghanKR · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-engaged-negative-comments?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:a5b34351-b73b-45eb-8e61-fcc7453562c6Post:32b62867-0b8e-402c-885d-8796c9f7677d">Re: Getting Engaged - Negative comments?</a>:<div>
</div><div><font color="#800080">I know what you mean! We started dating January 20th of this year and got engaged on March 9th, with our wedding on August 18th. So we will have been together for about 6 months total when we get married.</font></div><div><font color="#800080">
</font></div><div><font color="#800080">We both are almost 30 (he's 29 and I'm 27), we've lived on our own since we've been 18, have good established jobs, own a home, and have been in long term relationship. </font></div><div><font color="#800080">
</font></div><div><font color="#800080">Nothing has ever felt so right in my whole life. I know without a doubt he is my soul mate that I am suppose to spend the right of my life with. We've had a few people ask us "what's the rush" but nothing really rude. I usually just respond that we're both adults, not kids, that we know this is right and we're not interested in just dating for a year or two just to make everyone around us happy. We see no point in it. Most people that have asked or made comments are family members, and they have done it really polietly and nicely.</font></div><div><font color="#800080">
</font></div><div><font color="#800080">When my family and friends all got to meet him and see us together, most of them could tell really quick that we were meant to be. It was like we've always been together forever! </font></div><div>
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been dating about 7 months and have known each other almost 9...although we have been talking about getting engaged and picked out rings after four months of dating. It's his rule to not propose til a year has gone by....so I'll be waiting a little bit yet, but I guess I could be the exception to the rule and have it coming when I least expect it. Don't worry about what people think....when you know, you know!!!
Posted by NicoleLyn1218[/QUOTE]

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