Moms and Maids

So I'm not really sure how to go about this...

Let's just say my mother and I didn't exactly have an amazing relationship when I lived at home. Things have gotten a lot better since I moved out but my bitterness is still there. :/ (That much I know is my own fault.)

That being said, she's really irritating me. She doesn't really like my fiancee because he isn't "redneck" enough for her. Those aren't her words, but I can read between the lines. She says she's happy for me and excited about the wedding, but whenever I bring it up she's quick to start rolling her eyes and changing the subject. When I found a wedding dress I really liked, I showed her a picture of it. (It has a little bit of red trim across the chest, down the waist and down the train.) All she could say about it was "that really weird" and turn up her nose. She doesn't want to discuss the finances at all, but she made sure to tell me that she wants two "mother-daughter" songs played. As if I've ever even heard of those... She wants "Stealing Cinderella" by Chuck Wicks and "Mama's Never Seen Those Eyes" by the Forester Sisters. First of all, I despise both of those songs. Second, there's only one other country song we plan on playing at all. Third, the lyrics to "Mama's Never Seen Those Eyes" are hardley appropriate for a wedding.

Not to mention when the subject of her dress came up, she told me she was going to wear this dark green paisley dress she wore to her friends graduation party back in the 80s. (I only wish I were kidding.) Our wedding colors are black and red. I wanted to smack her.

(All of that rambling to get to this...)

I'm not sure if I should just give up talking to her about it or not. I'm trying to let her be a part but she clearly either wants to be in control of everything, or just doesn't want to hear about it at all. Have any of you guys had problems like this particularly?
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Re: So I'm not really sure how to go about this...

  • edited December 2011

    1.  Stop sharing wedding plans with her.
    2.  Don't expect financial help from her.
    3.  Play the mother-daughter songs only if you want to.  She who pays, has the say in what happens at the wedding.
    4.  She can wear what she wants.  Let that go.

    I haven't had personal experience, but we get these questions a lot here.  This seems to be the most effective advice for the problems you've presented.  Good luck with your planning.  Make it the wedding you want and can afford.

  • edited December 2011
    Your mother isnt part of the wedding party you dont get to dictate what she weats let alone hit her for her choices. Unless she has offered to contribute money then there is really no reason to discuss fincials with her. If she does give you money she gets to make decisions so thats something you may want to keep in mind.
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  • edited December 2011
    i mean, as a mother she should be there for YOU on YOUR day, no matter what. it's natural for parents to not like something about their childs partner but as long as your in a healty and safe relationship she should support you.

    it kinda seems like she's doing these things out of spite, wearing a color thats completely off balance with the wedding theme, and something thats so out of style and picking music even though you don't like it seems kind of rude.

    how long do you have until your wedding? maybe it's too far away for her to be excited about it? maybe once it gets alittle closer to the day she'll warm up.

    but in the same sense, as a daughter you have to try to compromise with her wishes.

    best of luck to you!!!
  • gottadance64gottadance64 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree - your relationship will only improve when you both have boundaries - boundaries are healthy. If she asks you about suggestions about what to wear, you can give her an opinion, tell her what everyone else is wearing and that you wouldn't want her to feel uncomfortable or out of place so she might want to select something within that color palette. Otherwise, mum's the word.

    As to telling you what to play at your wedding - no way. She's trying to control your wedding. Set your boundaries - it's your wedding. 

    The fact that she thinks it's OK to say to anyone, particularly her own daughter, that she thinks her wedding dress is weird, says to me your mom doesn't understand appropriate behavior. I don't care if a dress was the most hideous thing ever, when someone is excited and says they love it, you say, wow, really pretty - I lovit it. I have a mom who used to just say what she thought, but over the years I've made it clear to her that it's not OK to say those things. Her mother did that to her and that's where she learned it.

    Help your mother unlearn her behaviors - when she says something like that, call her on it. When she crosses boundaries, reset them back where they should be. 
    Daring to dream a bigger dream
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-not-really-sure-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3716af38-59d4-46e5-a328-71fff8e7d793Post:f039e93f-12a3-4b34-a95a-b3e197c2c04f">Re: So I'm not really sure how to go about this...</a>:
    [QUOTE]i mean,<strong> as a mother she should be there for YOU on YOUR day,</strong> no matter what. it's natural for parents to not like something about their childs partner but as long as your in a healty and safe relationship she should support you. it kinda seems like she's doing these things out of spite, wearing a color thats completely off balance with the wedding theme, and something thats so out of style and picking music even though you don't like it seems kind of rude. how long do you have until your wedding? maybe it's too far away for her to be excited about it? maybe once it gets alittle closer to the day she'll warm up. but in the same sense, as a daughter you have to try to compromise with her wishes. best of luck to you!!!
    Posted by nathananddanielle61612[/QUOTE]

    OP's mother has been verbally abusive in the past. The normal rules don't apply here. In dealing with an abusive family member, it's about survival.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_im-not-really-sure-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:3716af38-59d4-46e5-a328-71fff8e7d793Post:f039e93f-12a3-4b34-a95a-b3e197c2c04f">Re: So I'm not really sure how to go about this...</a>:
    [QUOTE]i mean,<strong> as a mother she should be there for YOU on YOUR day</strong>, no matter what. it's natural for parents to not like something about their childs partner but as long as your in a healty and safe relationship she should support you. it kinda seems like she's doing these things out of spite, wearing a color thats completely off balance with the wedding theme, and something thats so out of style and picking music even though you don't like it seems kind of rude. how long do you have until your wedding? maybe it's too far away for her to be excited about it? maybe once it gets alittle closer to the day she'll warm up. but in the same sense, as a daughter you have to try to compromise with her wishes. best of luck to you!!!
    Posted by nathananddanielle61612[/QUOTE]

    ETA:  Sorry, knot is glitchy tonight.  Weird.

    OP has stated she was verbally abused.  The normal rules don't apply here.  In an abusive family, it's about survival.  She needs permission to set her limits with her mother.  Her mother cannot be expected to act normally.

    ETA (again), I posted this in another thread, and it wound up here.  So sorry.  God.  TK gods, at it again.
  • edited December 2011
  • edited December 2011
    You have over two years til your wedding.  Just stop bringing up the wedding to your mother..... if she wants to talk about it she can bring it up.  You have plenty of time to plan and you don't want to ruin your relationship with her NOW.......use these two years to build on it instead of tearing it down. 
  • edited December 2011
    And you're RIGHT the lyrics to "Mama's Never Seen Those Eyes" are hardley appropriate for a wedding they are HORRIBLE for a wedding.  I googled them and was stunned that a mother would ever suggest such things...
  • rae1200rae1200 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I hate when people say..."do what you want, it’s your day"...I have heard this so many times and it makes me sick. Those people obviously don’t understand what you’re going through.  If you’re anything like me you have been seeking a "supportive" response/relationship from your mom and want her to be as excited about this wedding as you are. I have been seeking this type of response for 30 years and I am just now starting to get it from my mom. It’s only because I stood up to her and told her exactly how it is in a respectful way. My mom has never agreed with anything I have ever done in my life...but once she understood exactly how she has made me feel my whole life THEN she took a step back and started to look at things differently. Also, if she has her heart set on wearing that green dress then so be it…You can’t will her have good taste. My mom is the same way and I actually offered to pay for her dress so that I would not have to worry about what she would show up in the day of the wedding.  Sorry…I just went on a rant there. It is just that this situation hits close to home with me…it took me blowing up at my mom for her not being there for me on the biggest day of my life when she is the only parent I have left on this earth. I am sure if my father where alive he would show up in whatever I asked him to because he would be so happy to be a part of this day. Mothers are supposed to share this time with their daughters and understand that this is her little girls special day and that it happens only once in a lifetime. I feel for you and hope that this situation works out well in the end!!!
  • lynxbbgirllynxbbgirl member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, you are almost 2.5 years away from the wedding. It is too soon to start planning. The most you should have is maybe a venue (if you just love something that fills up quickly). Other than that, just stop talking to your mom about it. And drop the topic for a year ( I know it's hard, but that's more than enough time). Start saving money now for it.
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