Bachelor Party Anxiety

kspeckels · February 2010

My fiance asked if I was having a bachelorette party... I guess it's technically called that, but it's joined in with my bridal shower and we're doing it at a steakhouse. No strippers. No out-of-line, inappropriate games I wouldn't want him to see, etc. He said that counted enough and was basically the green light for him to have his raging bachelor's party.

I've been to the strip club with him before, and it absolutely disgusted me to see him with the girls then (and they weren't even being excessively vulgar to him because they knew I was sitting right next to him). I've seen the other guys in there with their buddies though and the things that they do... I could barely look, let alone touch my fiance after we went with our buddy to the strip club. The idea of him being one of the guys there having all the other things done to him - I wouldn't be able to stand at the altar.

I don't know what to do. I emailed him everything (he's military, so it's out way of communication) and don't want to be over controlling, or ruin his fun. He is such a gentleman though and has always been respectful, I don't want to ruin the way I see him.

Insight? Help? Words of wisdom?

lizstill13 · February 2010

If your having a bachelorette party, no matter how you define it, he's allowed to have a bachelor party and his guys get to plan it. I know you're not comfortable with the strip club, but as you say your FI is respectful, so you need to trust that he won't do anything he wouldn't do without you there. And see if they can plan it on the same night as your party, then hopefully you'll be too distracted to think about what he's doing while you're having fun.

And make sure you FI showers (like 3 times, maybe) before you see him again!

Capital_T · February 2010

Hey there,
First of all, I think you handling this issue in a very mature way...you are trying to be trusting and respectful, other than nag and demand that your boy do things your way or no way. I believe many girls feel the same as you do and either don't speak up and hope for the best, or find a way to manipulate the situation in their favor (i.e. have the best man's girlfriend (or whomever) spy or check up on things for you)...In today's world where all you hear about are men (or women) cheating on their significant others or doing things to make themselves untrustworthy...it's hard to not have those thoughts pop into your head about your own significant other. And that is a very hard feeling to break out of. You say your guy is very loyal...ask yourself this question- Has he ever done anything to make you NOT trust him? .....I see no problem with voicing your concerns with him in a respectful, adult manner if you are uncomfortable. And if all else fails, go with your gut.

cinderella_pink_princess · February 2010

If you each have the same rules then its fair. So, if he gives you a rule, then you have to follow it. But if you give him rules, you should follow them too. Your getting married so I am sure you should be able to freely talk to him about the situation. If his friends go wild, he still know his own limits.

kmg977 · February 2010

Well I dont know how to phrase this without sounding judgemental or rude because that it NOT what I am trying to do at all, and I know a lot of Bachelor parties have strippers, I am not saying that in all cases this is true, but in my opinion If a guy needs to stare, and perhaps be touched (because ladies we know strippers whip, grab, dance on the guys laps and more) by another woman, he is not ready to get married. I am also very religious, and I think that out of respect for you he should not want to go to the strip club at all. However men will be men, and he might not have thought of it that way. There is no need to freak out and get angry to get your point across but If I were you I would respectfully tell him that yes, I am having dinner with my friends, and maybe a couple of drinks, but we are not getting crazy, and NOT going to strip clubs. This is my opinion, and I know a lot of others disagree, but your engaged now, and he should not be wanting to go see naked chicks dance around on poles and shove their boobs in his face. If he needs to that now for a good time, is he going to want to do it when he is married to you? I am sure he is a very respectful man, and this is most likely his friend ideas not his, but I would put my foot down.

sweetcatastrophe · February 2010

I have the same concerns, but not to the same extent that you do. Mostly I just think strip clubs are sleazy and dirty.

I have to admit that I've never been to one and Fi hasn't been to one since we've been together out of respect for me, partially at least. He'd only gone once before and it wasn't something he really enjoyed at 18, he said. He's pretty shy, so that def contributes.

Fi recently told me that if he did have a bachelor party it would be to celebrate the wedding, which I thought was very sweet and sounded more like just an average night out with his friends but toasting to him as groom-to-be. I'm totally in full support of that.

I would talk to your Fi and express your concerns. Make it clear that you want him to have fun but have some reservations about him going to the strip club. I'm sure he'll either reassure you that you have nothing to worry about or surprise you by saying that's not what his BM has in store for him.

KappaK · February 2010

My DH went to New Orleans for his bachelor party. He called me from the strip club! Typically the BM and the GMs plan the party. For my DH, his BM told him, "Don't you know this party isn't for you, it's for us". You have to trust the man you are going to marry.

anne.azano · February 2010

I think going to a strip club at a bachelor party is ok, even if it is distasteful to most girls. I have no problem with my FI going that night, mostly because I know that if he goes, it will be because his friends have dragged him there. (They're going to a red sox game and then going out barhopping, but knowing a few of his friends, they may end up there!) I've been dating him for 5 years, and in all that time he's only gone once, at another friend's bachelor party. And whether it was true or not, he old me the girls were saggy old and nasty. Luckily, he's just not a strip club kind of guy. If your FI is similar, I say let him go, be cool about it, trust him, and just write it off as boys being boys, a sort of pre-wedding rite of passage, especially if he is indeed the respectful gentleman you said he is.

If you're cool about it, he'll probably be thinking that he wishes he was with you and not watching some nasty woman dance around. You could always encourage him to think of you by stripping for him yourself the night before or something! Get carmen electra's strip workout videos!

However, if he is a good guy and you still don't trust him, you should be asking yourself why. Do you have a problem with trust? Or has he given you some reason not to trust him?

Obviously, if he's the type of guy who goes to strip clubs with any regularity, that is a problem. It would be a problem for me and it sounds like it would DEFINITELY be a problem for you, in which case you need to have a big talk before you get married. Good luck!

lyndausvi · February 2010

My DH didn't really have a b-party. Well he went to Atlantic City with some friends a few days before the wedding (we live in St Thomas, the wedding was in SJ, so most of his friends live in the states). Anyway I was encouraging them to go the strip clubs. Instead they went gambling. The strip joints would have been a cheaper option. Instead he lost about $800 and was up until 4am and barely made it his golf outting with my dad the next day.

I do not have problem with strip clubs for b-parties. If he went to them on a regular basis then I would have a problem. But once in a while I'm fine with it. I'm sure if gambling was not so close, they would have ended up at a strip club.. I guess he likes gambling more than seeing naked woman dancing around..

[Deleted User] · February 2010

I disagree with PP who say that if you're insecure then you're too immature to get married, or that having an issue with it means there are bigger problems. I am of the mindset that strippers are a no-no for married men or those about to get married during their bachelor party. I have my own reservations about them based off pretty crappy personal experiences, and my FI understands that. And the whole 'the bachelor party is for the friends' argument is BS. Just because they're hosting it doesn't mean they get to act like children, which most seem to do at the parties.

I told my FI that if there were strippers at his party, I'd have serious reservations about the wedding. Do I trust him? Absolutely. Do I trust his friends? Not at all. I know what they've said about me, what they've said they want to do with strippers, and thank god FI hardly ever hangs out with them! He's agreed that there will be none, one because he respects my wishes and two he agrees that married or soon-to-be married men don't need to be looking at naked chicks (or getting lap dances from them).

So, talk to your FI about how you feel, and hopefully he will respect your wishes. I told my FI that if he had strippers at his party, then I'd have one at mine and that turned him off so badly he swore to never go to a strip club (he doesn't go now, but for any other bachelor party). We both think that it's inappropriate to be looking at or getting excited over naked people that aren't our SO.

a_spinhirne · February 2010

Duh. Grow up

raniacharles · March 2010

Your fiance is being manipulative. Just because you have a bachelorette at a steakhouse does not give him the right to have a bachelor party where-ever he pleases, even if it violates your boundaries and is disrespectful of your feelings. Please do not be too insecure to speak up. I am not sure why this entitlement to strippers and distasteful behavior, shared between men before their marriage, which amounts to a humiliating and distressful ritual for many brides has become normalized. The current normal bachelor party is very disrespectful of the bride and the wives and girlfriends of the man/boys who plan it and attend it. Framing it as an issue of trust or being controlling is also manipulative. Many brides and women do not want other naked women to be part of their wedding festivities but are afraid to speak up or are shamed by statements such as "grow up" or "you are insecure" ior you "need to trust him" nto silence. He is the one who needs to grow up. You are insecure only if you do not speak up. And he needs to respect you. Women seem to have a need to defend this "age old" ritual which in truth only started about a generation ago, for reasons that are unclear. If you feel that a bunch of men getting together and ogling strange naked women and egging the groom on is not the way you want to be treated or the way you envision your FH celebrating your marriage, I assure you that you are not alone.

Samwise16 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:49138f07-ce6e-4a4b-932a-2528a6d9698aPost:904b78b6-f37e-414d-b83c-27cb7199800b">Re: Bachelor Party Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm with Brooke on this one. I understand that a lot of girls have a major dislike/discomfort with strip clubs. But if you HONESTLY don't think you could marry him if he went to one, you have way bigger issues than the B-Party. Let him go and have his fun. For the record, I have yet to talk to a groom who actually enjoyed his B-party experience at a strip club. The point of all that stuff is to humiliate the groom, not to turn him on so much. If you trust him (and I hope you do, if you're marrying him), then just let this go. If you can't let this go, then maybe you shouldn't marry him (at least not right now).
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Amen. I've always seen it as a humiliation thing as well! Personally, I could give a rat's behind about my FI going to a strip club for his bach party. Who cares? Is he going home with them or with you? Now if it was an all-the-time thing, that'd be a different story. But for one night at his bach party?... Not to mention - I highly doubt the entire time will be spent at the strip club.

</div>

raniacharles · March 2010

It doesn't matter if you don't give a rat's behind about him going to strip clubs.   It only matters that that crosses her boundaries. Just because some of us feel that our SOs should not be ogling naked women with their friends egging them on does not mean that we have "bigger" problems. How would you feel if we said that you have "bigger" problems because you think that ogling naked women as part of your wedding festivities is just a "fun" activity. I think that drunken raunchfest bachelor parties reflect very disrespectful behavior towards the bride and other girlfriends/wives, especially if they are hurt by it.   The OP clearly said the following:

"I've been to the strip club with him before and it absolutely disgusted me to see him with the girls then.... I've seen the other guys in there with their buddies though and the things that they do.l.. I could barely look, let alone touch my fiance after we went with our buddy to the strip club. The idea of him being one of the guys having all the other things done to him--I wouldn't be able to stand at the altar."

To the OP. I assure you that you are not alone here.   Do not be afraid to speak up.
-----------------------------------------

Finally, I would like to point out that the bride is not the one with the problem here.

Slight rephrasing of the answers might help.

"But, if you HONESTLY don't think you could marry her if you don't have strippers at your B-party..... you have bigger problems.   If you respect her, and I hope you do if your'e marrying her, then just let this go. If you can't let this go, then maybe she shouldn't marry you."

And,

"I couldn't give a rat's ass about FI going to a brothel for his bach party. Who cares? Is he going home with them or with you. Now if it was an all the time thing, that'd be a different story. Bur for one night at his bach party. Not to mention. I highly doubt the entire time will be spent at the brothel."

I just can't see why he gets to violate her boundaries for "one night," and I certainly don't see the relevance of the fact that he is coming home to her (since the same can be said of a night with hookers or a one night stand etc) and I can't see why the strip club is so important that it doesn't matter how she feels about it.

olivethomas · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_bachelor-party-anxiety?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:49138f07-ce6e-4a4b-932a-2528a6d9698aPost:587a2689-7114-44ba-97ad-f8c17b138699">Re: Bachelor Party Anxiety</a>:
[QUOTE]I am not sure why this entitlement to strippers and distasteful behavior, shared between men before their marriage, which amounts to a humiliating and distressful ritual for many brides has become normalized. The current normal bachelor party is very disrespectful of the bride and the wives and girlfriends of the man/boys who plan it and attend it. Framing it as an issue of trust or being controlling is also manipulative.[/QUOTE]

EX-ACT-LEE. It's about the disrespect inherent in the ritual, NOT THE TRUST. The groomsmen have been selected by BOTH of you to support your union--I know that it will make me feel like crap if I find out they've arranged a supposed last-hurrah sex encounter for my fiance. Gone are the days where brides were sex-phobic prits selected by men for the sole purpose of procreating and keeping up some kind of Victorian social status. Women can feign b-party reciprocity all they want but let's get real, women are not attracted to or tempted by egomaniacal cheeseballs grinding in speedos or less.

raniacharles · April 2010

One more thing--for all the women who say that they trust their fiance but not his friends. There is an old saying in my culture, which I have found to be so true.

"If you show me a man's friends, I can tell you who he is."

And, even if it's not true in your personal special case, the fact that your fiance would hurt or disrespect you supposedly to please his friends should say something.

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