Do we invite the step-mother?

lharri12 · April 2010

My FI and I have a bit of a dilemma. We are having a small wedding ceremony in Jamaica with only immediate family and best friends, followed by a bigger reception after we return home. We sent out invitations a few weeks ago for the ceremony. My FI does not like his step-mother at all, and she has caused a scene at family gatherings in the past, so he does not want her at the ceremony. When we mailed the invitation to his father, we addressed it to FI's father and half-sister, omitting his step-mother. (BTW, this was totally FI's decision.) It is noteworthy that FI's father and step-mother have been unhappily married for as long as I've known them (8 years). Tonight, FI's father called and said that this has caused somewhat of a disturbance at home and hinted that he wants us to send another invitation, addressed to all of them. FI told him that he does not want his step-mother at the wedding. FI is torn. Although we're pretty certain she gets the picture that FI doesn't want her there, he thinks she might come if we send another invite with her name on it. Because of her past behavior, FI wouldn't be surprised if she causes a bit of a scene if she comes to the wedding. What to do??

TheDuckis · April 2010

You and your FI are 100% wrong. Married couples are always invited as a pair, and it was incredibly rude of you to leave her off the invitation. If your FI didn't want his step mother there so badly, then he shouldn't have invited his father. Since his father was already invited, your only course of action is to send a corrected invitation along with a personal appology and hope that smooths things over.

And at this point, it's on you guys if she causes a scene because you're the ones who acted like spoiled brats.

baconsmom · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:bbd0b9a6-a14b-485b-a2eb-07fa443a6c93Post:53ac3e0f-a093-457a-b345-5d18b6e8f8b7">Do we invite the step-mother?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have a bit of a dilemma. We are having a small wedding ceremony in Jamaica with only immediate family and best friends, followed by a bigger reception after we return home. We sent out invitations a few weeks ago for the ceremony. My FI does not like his step-mother at all, and she has caused a scene at family gatherings in the past, so he does not want her at the ceremony. When we mailed the invitation to his father, we addressed it to FI's father and half-sister, omitting his step-mother. (BTW, this was totally FI's decision.) It is noteworthy that FI's father and step-mother have been unhappily married for as long as I've known them (8 years). Tonight, FI's father called and said that this has caused somewhat of a disturbance at home and hinted that he wants us to send another invitation, addressed to all of them. FI told him that he does not want his step-mother at the wedding. FI is torn. Although we're pretty certain she gets the picture that FI doesn't want her there, he thinks she might come if we send another invite with her name on it. Because of her past behavior, FI wouldn't be surprised if she causes a bit of a scene if she comes to the wedding. What to do??
Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

<div>Married couples are a social unit, and therefore you invite both or you invite neither. Send a new invitation. If she makes a scene, who looks bad? She does. Stop trying to control other people and work on becoming gracious adults. </div>

lharri12 · April 2010

Geez. I agree it was poor etiquette, but I think calling us "spoiled brats" is a bit harsh. I'm sure you guys understand that family situations can be incredibly complicated, and in this case, that's an understatement. This woman is not liked by FI, either of his brothers, FI's mother, and even FI's father! Again, I get that it is rude to invite one part of a married couple and not the other, so we should send another invitation. I don't think we owe this woman anything, but for the sake of keeping peace with FI's father, it is probably what we should do (even though, again, FI's father does not even get along with her). I welcome more opinions. Just please keep the personal attacks to a minimum.

jumpstart50 · April 2010

While it may be poor etiquette, I definitely disagree with the strong opinions expressed by other people. Personally, my father remarried about a year and a half after divorcing my mother and even though he's been extremely unhappy with his new wife they proceeded to have a baby together just a few months ago. This woman has been rude to almost every single person in my family and I've gotten the worst of it. She even told my dad that he couldn't hang out with me if she wasn't there!

All of that was to say that I most definitely understand your dilemma. I don't want her at my wedding and I'm currently trying to decide how to handle it. I was going to do the exact same thing that you guys did, or put her name on the envelope and just tell my father that I don't want her there.

Either way, family dynamics are extremely complicated and I don't think you guys are spoiled brats for wanting to have a drama free day. You should be surrounded by people who love and support you. Just my opinion.

TheDuckis · April 2010

You guys don't have step-mother problems, you have father problems. Any man who'd marry someone who's that awful to their children is no kind of father. He's already chosen her over you by marrying her. If you don't want her there, you don't invite him either. That simple.

baconsmom · April 2010

There is no situation so complicated that adhering to the rules of etiquette won't cover it. That's the point of etiquette, after all. It's when people ignore politeness and start acting like spoiled brats that situations get complex - and rude.

lharri12 · April 2010

baconsmom: So in one breath, you call me a "spoiled brat" AND criticize me for having poor etiquette and being rude?! Nice.
And yes, situations can be so complex that etiquette may not apply. This is not the case, but what if FI's step-mother was a child molester? She's not, but what if she was? Does etiquette still trump all else??

GBCK · April 2010

Well, if your FIL was willing to stay w/ a child-molester, yoiu'd cut BOTH of them off, right? So, yeah, it would cover it.
Send the new invite. Failing to do so = bratty.

Don't behave like a brat and you won't be called one.

She's his wife...you don't have to like her, you have to be polite to her. If she is TRULY bad enough that you don't want her there, then cut off FIL too.

lharri12 · April 2010

I was just trying to make a point. We never considered not inviting FI's father to our wedding just because his wife is a raging b*tch who causes drama wherever she goes. (For example, she outed FI's lesbian aunt at a family function, in very embarrassing fashion.) Again, I appreciate the input, but those of you who have been frankly mean about this obviously do not have one of these people in your family, and you don't have to be so harsh when communicating your opinions.

TheDuckis · April 2010

Did you come here for actual advice, or did you come here to be told it's okay to be rude because you're special and it's your day? You're not going to get the latter from anyone with a lick of sense.

lharri12 · April 2010

I hoped for some honest opinions and advice. Not name-calling. I find it ironic that people are trying to tell me how to be polite while calling me names.

Blueyed228 · April 2010

It was very rude of you to send the invite to FIL and other people in the house and deliberatly leave her off the invitation.

You either invite them both, or neither of them. Your FI is being spiteful by doing otherwise. Its up to your FI whether he wants to put his big boy pants on and be the bigger person, or if he would rather ruin his relationship with his dad. You owe this woman an apology for being so rude.

You dont have to like her. ( I dont like FI's best friends wife, but guess what, she is invited). Splitting up social units, particularly a married couple, specifically your FI's father, is beyond classless.

How would you feel if your FI got an invite to a wedding and you were not invited.

If this woman makes an ass out of herself it has nothing to do with you. You wont even know she is there unless you are really looking for drama. How adults behave is a direct representation of themselves, not you.

If you do not like the answers you have gotten, oh well. But it sounds more like you came here expecting justification for your appalling behavior, and when you got the opposite, you start whining. You were called spoiled brats because that is what your behavior is indicative of. You should know better, and should be ashamed of yourselves.

duckie1905 · April 2010

You need to invite her. It doesn't matter if you don't like her, if your FI doesn't like her, and even if her husband doesn't like her. Their relationship and how they feel about is none of your FI's (or your) business and not really for the two of you, or anyone else, to judge. They are a social unit; they come together whether your FI likes it or not. Not only did you insult her, you insulted his father as well.

Frankly, I'm not sure why either of you thought that this would be a good idea. You claim she brings the drama but this had the potential to do was make things worse.

You aren't special because your FI doesn't like his stepmom. There are plenty of people that dislike their stepparents and hell, even their own parents. Your FI and his relationship with his stepmother does not make your situation a unique and special butterfly.

You need to invite her. I would also suggest that you both apologize to her in person for your obvious insult.

lharri12 · April 2010

Okay, I'm done with this. I got the feedback I wanted and then some personal attacks on top of it. I didn't post this on the "snarky brides" board and did not expect the name-calling and insults. I am truly taking your comments and opinions seriously, but when we get to personal insults, it makes me question how much you really know about being polite. I posed the question because I am genuinely trying to diffuse the situation. From reading some of the other boards, I can see that many brides-to-be are taking their stress out on others by attacking them, rather than providing constructive input. If that makes you feel better, that's fine, but I'm not going to read it any more. Again, I appreciate the opinions and advice, but please forego the attacks next time.

Blueyed228 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:bbd0b9a6-a14b-485b-a2eb-07fa443a6c93Post:28908fd0-1a06-4314-8285-31f9a21be745">Re: Do we invite the step-mother?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I'm done with this. I got the feedback I wanted and then some personal attacks on top of it. I didn't post this on the "snarky brides" board and did not expect the name-calling and insults. I am truly taking your comments and opinions seriously, but when we get to personal insults, it makes me question how much you really know about being polite. I posed the question because I am genuinely trying to diffuse the situation. From reading some of the other boards, I can see that many brides-to-be are taking their stress out on others by attacking them, rather than providing constructive input. If that makes you feel better, that's fine, but I'm not going to read it any more. Again, I appreciate the opinions and advice, but please forego the attacks next time.
Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

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KimP1109 · April 2010

lharri12 ,
I completely understand that your FI does not want her there because of the needless drama surrounding her. Truly, I really do. I have a similar situation happening with my guest list. However, because his father is still married to her it is seen as disrespectful to not invite the other half of the pair. Your FI will have to understand and put himself in the shoes of his father. If the roles were switched he would be angry they did not include you in the invite, because you are considered one.
If she does show her butt at the ceremony, ignore it. Nothing pisses off drama starters more than for their drama to be ignored. And in the end, this could never come back and bite you in the future.

glennona79 · April 2010

To be fair, she did say that her FI made the decision to not invite this woman. Its his family and ultimately his call . So you dont need to call HER a brat...just her FI

That being said, he was rude when he made this decision and you need to send her a new invitation and give her an apology. Hopefully she behaves herself, but warn the staff at the wedding just in case. Tell the bartenders to go light on the booze in her drinks and if she causes a scene, have someone there to escort her out.

lharri12 · April 2010

Thank you for the respectful advice. I agree that we need to invite her, I'm just still trying to get FI to understand that. He's being a little defiant on this issue but I think he will come around, if not for his father, for the sake of his half-sister.

Blueyed228 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_invite-step-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:bbd0b9a6-a14b-485b-a2eb-07fa443a6c93Post:53ac3e0f-a093-457a-b345-5d18b6e8f8b7">Do we invite the step-mother?</a>:
[QUOTE]My FI and I have a bit of a dilemma. We are having a small wedding ceremony in Jamaica with only immediate family and best friends, followed by a bigger reception after we return home. We sent out invitations a few weeks ago for the ceremony. My FI does not like his step-mother at all, and she has caused a scene at family gatherings in the past, so he does not want her at the ceremony. When we mailed the invitation to his father, we addressed it to FI's father and half-sister, omitting his step-mother. (BTW, this was totally FI's decision.) Posted by lharri12[/QUOTE]

I am not sure she is entirely innocent on the breech of etiquette here.

Do we invite the step-mother?

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