Ugh. How do you feel about this?

regfalange · April 2011

So, one of my FH's groomsmen is over right now and he just let It slip that the best man is trying to plan a bachelor party trip to Montreal. I do not dig this idea. I do not like the thought of him seeing strippers, but I kind of knew it was going to be unavoidable with him and his groomsmen. I told him one rule. There is no "private stripper" party in a hotel or something. I know it is the private ones that do dirtier things and I'm barely cool with his eyes on a naked chick. Montreal is one big private stripper party. The chicks there do more and I am just SO NOT ok with it. Ok I know I said that but it's true.

What is everyone's opinions on this? Or bachelor/ette parties with strippers at all in general?

MandK9 · April 2011

I think my opinion might be unpopular with a lot of ladies on these boards, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I seriously think that if it causes you distress and sadness, you need to have a calm heart-to-heart with your fiance about this. I know some women don't care about strippers. I tried hard to change my mind about the whole thing years ago, and I'm just not evolved enough to get past it. FI knows this, and because he respects me and worries about my feelings, he told his best man that he absolutely doesn't want strippers.

So, my advice is to talk to him really rationally-- i.e. don't get all weepy and clingy/irrational, just tell him how uncomfortable it makes you and that it hurts your feelings.

j_jaye · April 2011

Personally I do not care if my partner goes to strippers (either on a boys night or a bachelor party). I would have issue if he lied to me about it though (if he lied about where he was). IMHO I feel that strippers are more respectful than some random at a club. they are there for the cash not to steal my FI. I would feel much better about a sober stripper rubbing up against my FI than some random drunk chick at a club somewhere. Especially since some girls (like some guys) think it is a sport to snag a bachelor.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

I personally despise the very idea of strippers, sorry if that offends anyone, but I don't think strippers or strip clubs should exist. (Strippers as the profession, not the actual people..they can get other jobs) Luckily, my FI feels the same way and always has.
We almost had the same problem you're talking about though because his BM wanted to go the stripper route for his party and would not stop talking about it in front of me regardless of how it made me feel. I rationally talked to FI about how much BM talking about this pissed me off and he spoke with BM. BM said that he would never do anything to come between us and that he was just "kidding around" since he knew that FI also does not want that. He has since finally stopped talking about taking my FI to a strip club in front of me. He even made a point to tell me that strippers would not be involved with his party himself.
So just talk to your FI in a rational manner and let him know how this idea makes you feel. You will come to some kind of agreement I'm sure. Good luck.

blush64 · April 2011

I agree with the PP who said to talk to you FI and let him know how you feel.

My FI and I have agreed we will not partake in anything like that. At all.

To me it isn't about trust, it's about respect. I don't think a man going to see (ogle) naked women as being very respectful to his FI, girlfriend or wife.(whatever the case is for him) Probably not a popular idea these days but that's how I feel and I was lucky to find a man who is good with it.

EDITED

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:2893d63f-ee27-46a2-8710-afb464a7700e">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with the PP who said to talk to you FI and let him know how you feel. My FI and I have agreed we will not partake in anything like that. At all. To me it isn't about trust, <strong>it's about respect</strong>. I don't think a man going to see (ogle) naked women as being very respectful to his FI, girlfriend or wife.(whatever the case is for him) Probably not a popular idea these days but that's how I feel and I was lucky to find a man who is good with it. EDITED
Posted by blush64[/QUOTE]

I agree completely.

Hellokatie0517 · April 2011

You should trust him not to do anything wrong. I believe that if a guy was a dirtbag to cheat at his bachelor party, then he was a dirtbag before then and will be after the wedding. Guys usually don't do wildy innappropriate things just because it's their bachelor party-- more than likely they were doing inappropriate things before then!

I'm fine with my FI going to a strip clubs because I trust him. If I didn't, I wouldn't be marrying him. However, if this bothers you so much you should talk to him and he should respect your feelings.

hlq2011 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:e6e4c7f2-b154-4ad5-a936-cb5cc8a287a0">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]You should trust him not to do anything wrong. I believe that if a guy was a dirtbag to cheat at his bachelor party, then he was a dirtbag before then and will be after the wedding. Guys usually don't do wildy innappropriate things just because it's their bachelor party-- more than likely they were doing inappropriate things before then! I'm fine with my FI going to a strip clubs because I trust him. If I didn't, I wouldn't be marrying him. However, if this bothers you so much you should talk to him and he should respect your feelings.
Posted by Hellokatie0517[/QUOTE]

This is precisely how I feel about the subject.

regfalange · April 2011

I don't think he will do anything wrong, and I do trust him. I just don't want him going to Montreal where rules that we have in strip clubs here, don't necessarily apply. It just really irks me to think of naked chicks rubbing all over him. And I know that happens at strip clubs around here, but all bets are off in Montreal. I am going to talk to him about it of course. And I am going to tell him that it is just disrespectful to me, because it is.

Thanks for everyone's answers. I was just wondering how everyone felt in regards to their guys. To strip or not to strip...?

Hellokatie0517 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:5325a609-7518-4b61-abbd-06e6d8b29ade">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think he will do anything wrong, and I do trust him. I just don't want him going to Montreal where rules that we have in strip clubs here, don't necessarily apply.<strong> It just really irks me to think of naked chicks rubbing all over him.</strong> And I know that happens at strip clubs around here, but all bets are off in Montreal. I am going to talk to him about it of course. And I am going to tell him that it is just disrespectful to me, because it is. Thanks for everyone's answers. I was just wondering how everyone felt in regards to their guys. To strip or not to strip...?
Posted by regfalange[/QUOTE]

This would be no different if he went to Rhode Island. They allow contact in that state. Not being snarky, just letting you know because I see you're from MA.

shopgrl3177 · April 2011

Personally I don't have a problem with strip clubs. I think it's all about respect. I know my FI would not do anything inappropriate that might compromise our relationship, the same way I would not do anything like that to him. If it really bothers you then say something to him.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:d3d4c089-8dc0-42c5-92a4-85103ced8cb0">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I don't have a problem with strip clubs. I think it's all about respect. I know my FI would not do anything inappropriate that might compromise our relationship, the same way I would not do anything like that to him. If it really bothers you then say something to him.
Posted by shopgrl3177[/QUOTE]

How is he respecting you by paying another girl to dance around in practically nothing?

banana468 · April 2011

You can like or dislike strippers but just keep a few things in mind:

-They're doing a job. Sure it's an intimate one but they're paid to do this. There aren't emotions behind this at all.

-If your FI is tempted by this it's an issue with your FI as a whole and not with strip clubs.

-If your FI is going to cheat, he's more likely to do it when he isn't in front of a group of dudes.

-And if he's going to cheat he doesn't need a stripper to do it.

My take: My DH and I have been married for almost 4 years. In the course of our relationship (over 7 years) he has been to a few strip clubs and he's enjoyed a few dances...but he comes home to me and he's never strayed.

Then there's the ex-BF who never went to a strip club in the course of our relationship and yet he slept with three other people while we were dating.

banana468 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:9873e21c-0cf3-4407-918c-f7226dc4a9f1">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : How is he respecting you by paying another girl to dance around in practically nothing?
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

How is he disrespecting her?

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:8684bbb0-ab2a-494e-bc5b-e0371614a603">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : How is he disrespecting her?
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

To me, it is very disrepectful to be in a serious relationship and watch other people dance around in practically nothing. Couples should go to each other for these kinds of things.

regfalange · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:7ea7f76f-a526-46f3-a0d5-4ee64c93794f">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : This would be no different if he went to Rhode Island. They allow contact in that state. Not being snarky, just letting you know because I see you're from MA.
Posted by Hellokatie0517[/QUOTE]

I know they rub all over you pretty much everywhere, but have you BEEN to a Montreal strip club? It's GROSS.

banana468 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:2dddc599-8128-45cf-bd92-1c56a6145acc">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : To me, it is very disrepectful to be in a serious relationship and watch other people dance around in practically nothing. Couples should go to each other for these kinds of things.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

So even belly dancing and Chippendales are taboo based on this. Is that correct?

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:3be1b4f4-690b-4591-a7ce-c7b2b676bca5">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : So even belly dancing and Chippendales are taboo based on this. Is that correct?
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Chippendales yes, as they are male strippers correct?

Belly dancers - Never really thought about it but I guess it would fall into that as well.

LoveMuffins · April 2011

Meh. FI going to a strip club doesn't boether me. I know he's been to them before. he's not really interested in going to them. but he went for a friend's bachelor party and if he goes for his i really couldn't care less. i trust him not to do anything that i would be upset about - and that's what i think a lot of women mean by saying that if FI respects her. FI knows what lines should not be crossed, and he would never even toe them.

OP, if your line is at the US border, then you need to let FI know that. although, tbh, i doubt that going to canada is going to be that diff from US... sure they get all the way naked. whoop-de-doo... you can see that on the internet. and most guys, unless they have a thing for strippers, often do not want to touch the strippers. chances are, your FI loves and respects you and wouldn't do anything at a Canadian strip club any differently than he would at a strip club at home.

j_jaye · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:2dddc599-8128-45cf-bd92-1c56a6145acc">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : To me, it is very disrepectful to be in a serious relationship and watch other people dance around in practically nothing. Couples should go to each other for these kinds of things.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

So TV shows like so you think you can dance and dancing/skating with the stars should be off air by your standards right? And dance companies like the ABC should be shut down? How about Hawaiian dancing and Indigenous Australian dancing (all done in next to nothing)?

regfalange · April 2011

Ok let's all settle down here. This post was not about dancing with the stars it was about the fact that I don't want another chick literally touching her breasts to my fi's face and he evidently doesn't care. So I talked to him, and when I asked why he couldn't just be the guy who repects how I feel and not go and do that he asked why I just can't be the chick who doesn't care about that, storms off and just says that now he's jut the guy I don't trust, will fall out of love with and don't want to marry. It just gets to the stupid point of the argument and I don't know what to say. I trust him, I know he won't cheat on me or some stupid shiz, I'm just a rather jealous person and I don't want another chick's ta-tas in my FH's damn face! Grrrrr.....

redheadtmk · April 2011

I know how you feel. I would not care if my SO went to a strip club and put a few dollar bills in a gstring. However if any of the girls came and rubbed up on him I would be pissed. There is nothing wrong with watching, its the touching that is not okay. Most bachelors, even the ones who are not really ok with it, end up getting a lap dance due to peer pressure. I know not all men are like this, but it happens far more often than the guy having strippers and being firm about absolutely no touching.( This does not include guys who absolutely refuse strippers. I am not trying to imply all men cheat etc) Its not about cheating or trust, its about respect. Having some other girl all over him is disrespectful to ME. That does not mean that it is that way for everyone. If girls are cool with it, that is great. But if you are not, then your FI should respect your wishes

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:8bb9f07a-2e53-43c0-8813-bd332d3d4fb2">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this? : So TV shows like so you think you can dance and dancing/skating with the stars should be off air by your standards right? And dance companies like the ABC should be shut down? How about Hawaiian dancing and Indigenous Australian dancing (all done in next to nothing)?
Posted by j_jaye[/QUOTE]

I don't watch Dancing with the Stars, but not for those reasons. It's just not something I'm interested in watching. I'm assuming they wear more than a bra and underwear though.

I still want to know how going to a strip club is respecting your FI/GF/Wife. I can see someone arguing how it's not disrepectful (as much as I don't agree) but to argue that it's actually respectful is ridiculous to me. I imagine him saying "Honey, I respect you so much that I'm going to go to a strip club and stare at practically naked women, get a lap dance, and stick some dollar bills in her underwear."

Yup, that sounds completely respectful.

lindsay5432 · April 2011

A strip club doesn't bother me too much, but I would not allow a private party with a private "dancer" at all. Some of those girls don't just dance.... and when alcohol is involved...

I offered my fiance his own private bachelor party (heels, stockings and all) .... he's pretty happy with that idea.

midgetthemighty · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_ugh-feel-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:32Discussion:415df79d-5e3f-4558-8196-89c48a83ea75Post:7e07df12-7d5b-46d7-87aa-b2743fb5c449">Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?</a>:
[QUOTE]Here's my personal take on strippers and MY relationship. Sunday, BFF and I are going out for drinks and then going to watch Fast Five. I have no desire to see this movie because of it's amazing plot or briliant acting. I am going to go spend $10 to stare at hot guys, fast cars, and hopefully a few badass explosions for 2 hours. And then I will come home and jump DH's bones. To me, him going to a strip club is no different (though more expensive) because it is the same thing. When he's watching a naked chick dance, it turns him on. When I watch Vin Diesel or Jason Statham kick someone's ass, it turns me on. That doesn't mean I love DH less or want to cheat on him with a movie star. It's a kinesthetic response of chemicals and stimuli. That doesn't just suddenly die because you're in a committed relationship. Outside influences will still turn you on and turn him on, and neither one of you can help that. I trust DH not to do anything, so I don't have to worry about what a certain stripper will or won't do, or what club regulations do or don't permit. Because, I know that DH knows where that line is and he won't cross it whether or not it's 'allowed' by the place he's at. The key isn't respect through trying to change human biology, it's respect through mutual understanding. If a guy enjoys strip clubs enough that he's willing to fight with his spouse to be able to go, and a woman despises the idea enough that she's willing to fight with her spouse to keep him from going, then there's a problem. Neither is right, neither is wrong, but obviously there are some incompatibilities as a couple. And THAT'S what needs to be addressed in those situations, because if that's the case, stripper drama is just the tip of the iceberg.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I've never thought about it like that before. It is for sure a different POV that makes more sense then any other argument I've heard for strip clubs. I still don't agree with them, and probably never will, but FI feels the same way. I feel like that is where your mutual understanding point comes into play if I'm reading it correctly. So my personal situation in just fine because we really do both see eye to eye on this issue (thank you God).

regfalange · April 2011

It's not about him being turned on or looking at other girls naked, not that I like that at all. It's about their naked bodies TOUCHING him. I have had my share of cheaters and so I have a complex about it. I don't think he is going to cheat on me I just cannot begin to be able to deal with the thought of another chick, naked, on his lap. And I don't need him going to another country where the strippers are basically prostitutes and would do more than just be on his lap. Like they would be willing to do sex in the champagne room type things. Not cool with that. Never gonna be. No one's explanations of how they feel about it are gonna change how I feel.

jaytee16 · April 2011

Not every stripper in Canada is a prostitute, that's just a ridiculous notion. I'm in Toronto and I will say that yes, MTL has a rep for being a party town and has a number of strip clubs but seriously, Canadian strippers are basically prostitutes? How many times have you been to a strip club in MTL, and how many different clubs? I'm confused as to where you're getting your information about this...

Also, you keep saying how we (Canada) have worse strippers, so would you be ok with him going to a rippers where you live? Would that make a difference, honestly?

You are entitled to feel the way you do, I think the only real option is to talk to to your FI about it, calmly. From your earlier post it sounds like you talked to him but it didn't go well. So I would talk to him when you can both be calm, open and honest. There's no rule, not every woman/relationship has to come to the same POV, but you and FI need to be ok with what's going to work in your relationship.

MandK9 · April 2011

I think it's a situation that changes couple to couple. For a woman who has expressed her discomfort and sadness with her husband seeing strippers, it definitely is disrespectful for that husband to say, "Oh well, I want to anyway" and go off and do it. For a woman who sees no issue with it, it's obviously not disrespect. KWIM? Like I said before, I really dislike it and it feels like a personal assault, but my cousin is all about them, and even sent FI to get a dance on the night they got engaged. For her husband to go out to a club is a non-issue.

Also, for many people, it's not about trust. It's about feeling inferior, for me. Yes, he will come home to me and only to me, but he just got extremely turned on watching someone else take off her clothes and dance around him. Someone in better shape than me.

So, I guess that's my piece. OP, that sucks that your FI responded so badly. I seriously don't mean this in a judgy way, as it comes across so much on these boards, but how old are you two?

regfalange · April 2011

Jaytee-I'm not trying to slam Canada, sorry if it comes off that way. I am just pissed off at him and I have just heard horror stories about the strippers in Montreal and just that they have much more freedom to do things. And just the fact that he wants to go all the way to another country and then says he will be paid for and won't be paying for anything is just trash. Plus I know that the groomsmen can't really afford it for the most part, there is just more going into it than that. Mandk- lol don't feel bad for asking. I am 31 and he is 28 and we have been together for 8 years. This wedding has been long awaited on my part. But worth it, he is the best friend I've ever had but you know, every cpl has issues! This will be the first time (I think, I hope, and I'm not sure if I remember) that he will see a stripper while we are together. Actually just as I typed that I had a flash of him going to Montreal at some point. We broke up for 4 months, 5 years ago so it may have been during that time. But I dunno. My brain is swimming. He is going to be home in about an hour and i don't even know what to say to him.

MandK9 · April 2011

Oh okay, I was wondering if maybe he was in his early 20s, you know the age when guys really want to impress their friends, etc. But since he's older, he should dial it back a notch. It's silly to whip out the "I guess you just don't trust me!" line, but he's clearly feeling like you're trying to control him and take his freedom away. When he gets home, try to just keep it to "I feel" statements, and don't insult him or his friends. Try to make it clear that you trust him, and that it just makes you feel uncomfortable and unhappy. Good luck with everything.

regfalange · April 2011

Whatever, you obviously either didn't read or weren't paying much attention to all of my posts. Therefore everything you just wrote was a complete waste of time and I am going to completely forget that you wrote anything at all. Thanks fir nothing.

Ugh. How do you feel about this?

Re: Ugh. How do you feel about this?

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