May 2012 Weddings
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Anyone else NOT living together?

Anyone else out there NOT living together before the wedding?  I'm Catholic, but I'm also super liberal (i.e. not hung up on the premarital sex issue) - still, FI and I have decided to wait.  We wanted something to CHANGE after we were married and the anticipation of FINALLY getting to move in together makes the wedding seem so much sweeter.  

Is there anyone else out there with similar views, or am I crazy?

To those that are already living with their FI, what would you say the pros and cons are about living together before the wedding?
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Re: Anyone else NOT living together?

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    We aren't living together either! I am also Catholic, but I guess I am pretty liberal too lol. We want the exact same thing you said too. I have no problem with other couples living together before marriage, but I want to be able to walk into our home for the first time as husband and wife. We decided that a few months prior to the wedding, he will move all of his stuff in and then I will gradually move my stuff over, but I wont live there till after the wedding. I agree, it makes everything a lot sweeter and special.
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    S0095042S0095042 member
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    edited April 2011
    To those that are already living with their FI, what would you say the pros and cons are about living together before the wedding?

    Pros: you REALLY know them BEFORE you marry them...so when the "newly wed" thing wears off, you know what and who you have/are living with...there is a huge difference between dating and living together 24/7

    Cons: currently, I can't think of anything

    **however, each person has their own belief system and you should only move in together if you two want to move in together.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_anyone-else-not-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a5750e58-cb16-4176-b9f3-f87731c6aeddPost:8746be61-d98f-48ca-8858-1d4ba046cd3c">Re: Anyone else NOT living together?</a>:
    [QUOTE]To those that are already living with their FI, what would you say the pros and cons are about living together before the wedding? Pros: you REALLY know them BEFORE you marry them...so when the "newly wed" thing wears off, you know what and who you have/are living with...there is a huge difference between dating and living together 24/7 Cons: currently, I can't think of anything **however, each person has their own belief system and you should only move in together if you two want to move in together.
    Posted by S0095042[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this completely. I thought that dating FI in undergrad while living in the dorms was basically like we were living together; we either slept in my room or his, spent most of our free time together either in my room or his, and we ate all of our meals together. After undergrad we spent the summer living with my parents. I thought this was also called "living together," nope not close at all!</div><div>
    </div><div>When we did move in together we fought all the time about absolutely nothing! It was really difficult the first 6-8 months, I had no idea it was going to be such a huge adjustment because I thought we already had experienced living together. I am so glad we got this part over with before we got married. </div>
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    FI and I are living together, but everyone's different :)
    Pros: I agree you really do know the person from their moods to their habits at home and have a 'test run' before putting marriage in the mix and the pressure of that

    Cons: I can't think of anything either
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_anyone-else-not-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a5750e58-cb16-4176-b9f3-f87731c6aeddPost:7e399011-eaa7-4376-b8ba-cf109bc44aa0">Anyone else NOT living together?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Anyone else out there NOT living together before the wedding?  I'm Catholic, but I'm also super liberal (i.e. not hung up on the premarital sex issue) - still, FI and I have decided to wait.  We wanted something to CHANGE after we were married and the anticipation of FINALLY getting to move in together makes the wedding seem so much sweeter.   Is there anyone else out there with similar views, or am I crazy? To those that are already living with their FI, what would you say the pros and cons are about living together before the wedding?
    Posted by Tully16[/QUOTE]

    <div>We're not. He's not even moving to the state until two weeks before the wedding. He lives 620 miles away.</div>
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    We do live together, but I don't think you're crazy at all. Every relationship is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it IMO. For me living together and marriage were always going to be separate...I can't imagine marrying someone I hadn't lived with. I've seen a lot of marriages fail because the two people simply did not know each other well enough when they got married...and you get to know someone in a whole new way when you live together.  

    So, I would say the pros are that you really get to experience what living with the other person is like, which helps prepare you for married life. Also, then when you do get married, there are not so many huge changes, which can put strain on a relationship sometimes. I guess the only "con" I can think of is the exact reason you are waiting...I'm sure it will be really exciting to move your stuff into your new place and live together for the first time as husband and wife. And I think if that is what is right for you guys, then that's great :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_anyone-else-not-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a5750e58-cb16-4176-b9f3-f87731c6aeddPost:8c36a391-a937-4aa8-869e-3dbe581284c6">Re: Anyone else NOT living together?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We do live together, but I don't think you're crazy at all. Every relationship is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it IMO. For me living together and marriage were always going to be separate...I can't imagine marrying someone I hadn't lived with. I've seen a lot of marriages fail because the two people simply did not know each other well enough when they got married...and you get to know someone in a whole new way when you live together.   So, I would say the pros are that you really get to experience what living with the other person is like, which helps prepare you for married life. Also, then when you do get married, there are not so many huge changes, which can put strain on a relationship sometimes. I guess the only "con" I can think of is the exact reason you are waiting...I'm sure it will be really exciting to move your stuff into your new place and live together for the first time as husband and wife. And I think if that is what is right for you guys, then that's great :)
    Posted by Becky&Chris[/QUOTE]

    This.  My thoughts exactly.
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    FI and I just moved in togethet this past September... Pros: As PP you really get to know the person inside and out... It was a huge adjustment we bickered about every little thing you could ever imagine. Once we got past our first few months everything is great. I love being able to wake up( when we are both off work) to him and his face being the first thing I see... But enough with lovey dovey stuff... Cons: Absolutely Nothing.... But everyone is different as stated above...
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    FI and i have lived together for almost two years now and I would not have done it any differently. I think that we have really gotten to know each other a heck of a lot better than if we had still lived apart.

    However, I think the biggest pro is figuring out money. It's the number one reason people get divorced and we do not want to be another statistic. We share rent, groceries, meals out, utilities, etc. He knows how much debt I have (5.5 years in school) and I know what he has, there are no surprises in our relationship. We can truly work as a team.

    I'm not saying that everyone should live together before they get married, I know it's not for everyone. However, I think it's something a lot of couples should consider.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_anyone-else-not-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a5750e58-cb16-4176-b9f3-f87731c6aeddPost:8c36a391-a937-4aa8-869e-3dbe581284c6">Re: Anyone else NOT living together?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We do live together, but I don't think you're crazy at all. Every relationship is different and there's no right or wrong way to do it IMO. For me living together and marriage were always going to be separate...I can't imagine marrying someone I hadn't lived with. I've seen a lot of marriages fail because the two people simply did not know each other well enough when they got married...and you get to know someone in a whole new way when you live together.   So, I would say the pros are that you really get to experience what living with the other person is like, which helps prepare you for married life. Also, then when you do get married, there are not so many huge changes, which can put strain on a relationship sometimes. I guess the only "con" I can think of is the exact reason you are waiting...I'm sure it will be really exciting to move your stuff into your new place and live together for the first time as husband and wife. And I think if that is what is right for you guys, then that's great :)
    Posted by Becky&Chris[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with this post.  I live with my FI and it is great.  There is nothing better than waking up next to him every morning.  However, I do see the fact that nothing really changes too much when you get married.</div><div>
    </div><div>I don't necessarily think that living with someone before you get married means it will definitely work out.  My mother lived with her first husband before they got married and it ended very badly.  So living with the person doesn't make it a given but it does take away the transition period of getting use to each other after you are married.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_may-2012-weddings_anyone-else-not-living-together?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:f0ca0bc1-9255-4120-8042-b40e7f3e99c5Discussion:a5750e58-cb16-4176-b9f3-f87731c6aeddPost:b1cc40a1-8502-4fb1-af58-9b9d386b5f71">Re: Anyone else NOT living together?</a>:
    [QUOTE]However, I think the biggest pro is figuring out money. It's the number one reason people get divorced and we do not want to be another statistic. We share rent, groceries, meals out, utilities, etc. He knows how much debt I have (5.5 years in school) and I know what he has, there are no surprises in our relationship. We can truly work as a team. Posted by pantherRN[/QUOTE]


    This was a big thing for us too. We have lived together for several years, but did not join finances until we got engaged (last April). We have had many discussions on how we are going to handle money in our marriage and try to keep a constant dialogue going. I think whether you are going to live together or not prior to the wedding, communication about finances is huge.
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    Such thoughtful posts here!  I agree that everyone is different, and I suppose one of the reasons I'm not super worried about waiting to move in with my FI is that I've been in a volunteer program and lived in community with people I didn't even know for the past two years.  I feel like a lot of struggles FI and I are going to have in the future (i.e. finances, who has to take the garbage out, etc.) I've encountered with my community and I've learned good skills about how to handle conflicts in these areas.

    Not saying that this is anything like marriage AT ALL, but I do think it is - in a way - a good prep course for conflict resolution in the home.  It's definitely made me more tolerant of others' quirks.
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    I think it's interesting that a few people have mentioned the CON of moving in together before marriage is that nothing changes when you get married, but things do change, you go from living together as an engaged couple to living together as a married couple, plus you both will have wedding bands :) Oh and you finally get to use all of your registry items that have been in the box for months!
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    My FI and I don't live together yet, we both live with our parents. Granted, he sleeps over every night, but it's still not living together at all. We are starting to look at houses and are planning on moving in together about 6 months before the wedding. I am super excited to live with him, but I have also thought about how nice it would be to walk into our first home together as husband and wife. I think we are making the right chouce though, and I am glad that we will be able to unpack, get settled in, and (hopefully) develop good household spending habits before we get married!
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    FI and I don't live together and we have a big ugly citizenship thing to deal with before we can. Y U C K. Thats really the only reason we arent living together right now. Not even so much the living thing he can come in on a FI visa to the US but it prevents him from working for about 6 months maybe longer double Yuck. So we're both spending the next year paying down any debt we have to the 6 months he cant work will be easier. (I just made my LAST credit card payment 2 days wahoo)

    I dont think its crazy to not live with each other before hand but if I had a choice I would decide to live with him prior to the marriage. I really dont think there is a right or wrong way to handle that its really a matter of personal comfort.
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    My FI and I both live together and have since I graduated college last May. 

    Pros: As others have said we got to work through some of those details and arguements up front so we are more comfortable with each other in some ways.  Also I like being around him all the time and I can casually ask him his opinions on the wedding.  I think that helps also keep him a little more involved in it:)

    Cons: It would have maybe been nice to do it more traditionally, and have a whole new start after the wedding. 
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    FI and I aren't living together. We go to the same college, and a re a building away from each other, so we know how each of us keeps out apartment, and what all of our habits are. We would love to live together, but our parents are paying for our college, and that is both of their circumstances, so we are living apart for one more year, and then hopefully getting a house shortly before the wedding!
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    We arent TECHNICALLY living together...i live at my parents, and he spends every night with me. But we dont have our own place yet. He really spends the whole day at work, then his parents house to shower/eat dinner etc. but he comes here to sleep.

    We are gonna look for a place to live in before we are married, but idk if im gonna move in with him until we are married. i just refuse to live with my parents when im married....
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    We do not live together. We are both fairly conservative/traditional on this matter and even if we weren't, our families would FREAK. My older sister was pregnant before she was married and unfortunately we had a lot of family members develop hard feelings over that. We just don't want to cause any more drama.

    However, I live with his sister and he is over all the time, minus the sleeping part. I would obviously prefer to live with him. I think it would be much more convenient when it comes to our finances and commuting, but we are waiting till our time is right.

    I have no problem with people living together before they are married. I think if it works for them, why should I judge. Just like what we have works for us, so no need to judge us. Hope this made sense. I loved hearing opinions on this because we've been struggling with this issue for awhile now.
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    we don't live together either. Granted, we are in college so we both live in dorms. We are also fairly traditional and we have alot of faith. (I prefer saying we have faith than we are religious...not fond of the word religious.) We are also choosing not to be intimate until we get married. So we just think its the right thing to do for us. It sucks, though. We always talk about when we can be married and live together. Its nice to think about. And soon it will be here! Can't wait. :)
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    We are currently house hunting!  We haven't decided yet what we're going to do...  Right now, we live about 5 minutes apart.  At first, we said that we'd buy a house and spend the time before the wedding fixing it up-- painting, etc.  We'd go ahead and move everything & spend our first night together there the night of our wedding (we're honeymooning  couple weeks later-- I work for the school system and get summers off).  We're not against living together before marriage, but we just thought it would be special.  HOWEVER, things are beginning to get a little stressful at his house.  SO, we're thinking he might go ahead and move in when we buy a house....  or we both might.  I guess we'll decide after we get the house!  We're just sooo ready & excited to live together!

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    We do not live together and I'm the one that has been adament about not doing so until we're married.  He definitely wants to. 
    I'm totally liberal and have lived with ex's  (never married before, just boyfriends) in the past but I want to do things differently this time and make it "special",  "different", "whatever".  Plus, my parents thinks it's very important to wait and I want to respect their wishes this time around. 
    Also, my parents never lived together before getting married, my sister didn't live with her husband before they got married so I am now following in that path.

    I've been on the other side of things, so I know that when you live together you get to learn their quirks, patterns, things you never know until you live together, etc.  I know it may not be the easiest route to take when you wait to live together but I want to start our lives together this way.  I
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    FI and I are Catholic too, and we are not living together at the moment, but we will be moving in together at the end of the summer. We basically spend every night together now, we just don't live together because we're both tied into leases. Part of me wishes it worked out that we would move in together after we get married, but we wanted a long engagement because I'm doing a year of service (basically making poverty level income), and we need more time after this year to save money for the wedding. We're moving in together for financial reasons, and also because we're almost living together already so it will make life so much easier.

    This might be TMI, but to shake things up and make a change after the wedding, we are considering practicing abstinence next year during lent, and continuing until the wedding night (basically the 40 days plus another 40 give or take). Might take it a step further and sleep in different rooms, but I don't know about that. Undecided

    Btw Tully, what "volunteer" program? I'm an AmeriCorps VISTA...
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    lanejanelanejane member
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    edited April 2011
    I live with my FI (it will be a year in two months). It's been interesting.

    The first few months were the toughest. We argued about everything. It's such an adjustment to live with someone who has totally different habits and sometimes things aren't what you expected they would be. But I feel like those few months made us a stronger couple. I learned how to live with him and love him at the same time (lol) and he did the same.

    It's been great for the last few months and I wouldn't change a thing about our arrangement. It also works on a financial level because we support each other, which is a big help.

    So those of you who don't live with your FI now know what you have to look forward to. ;)
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    We are not living together yet for a few reasons. 1. trying to save money for a house - I decided to go back to school a few years ago so we put the living together on hold till I was done with school and out of that debt. I'm very close to being done with the debt part now tho so hopefully we can start house hunting in the fall. 2. We had decided a while ago to at least wait till we were engaged. Now that we are its back to reason 1 as to why he haven't done anything about it yet.

    I love the idea of not living together until we're Mr.&Mrs. but if we find the perfect place right off the bat I don't know that I'll wait 6 months or so to move into my house... I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes. But to answer your question no I do not think you're crazy, and if you are then I am too so at least we're in good company!! :)
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    Audreyjem, I sent you a PM. :)
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