Wedding Woes

he wants she wants

This may sound odd, but my fiance really wants a wedding ceremony. I personally think it's a waste of time and money, no offense to anyone here, and would rather just go to court and fill out the paper work. I don't care much for a honeymoon either. I'll be working on my Masters degree or PhD by then, and I don't want to take the time off for the whole wedding theatrics; purchasing a house and paying back our student loans seems more important. The problem is that I've been humoring him by planning the wedding out; found a venue, the dress, flowers, centerpieces.... I just don't think I can handle that kind of stress and be the center of attention. I get agoraphobic in these kinds of situations I have run out of parties before. What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. Notes 1. We've discussed this issue and he told me to just shut up and do it 2. I would need to be in benzotropines for the day and if you don't know what that's like your day goes by in slow motion... It's awful. 3. I am not a US citizen. The visas alone would cost a couple of grand. 4. My family dislikes my fiance, and are not only in two separate continents, but refuse to speak to one another. IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ADVICE THEN DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING TO THIS POST.

This issue has been resolved (please scroll down page).  Thank you to all!

Re: he wants she wants

  • In Response to Re:he wants she wants:[QUOTE]This may sound odd, but my fiance really wants a wedding ceremony. I personally think it's a waste of time and money and would rather just go to court and fill out the paper work. I don't care much for a honeymoon either. I'll be working on my Masters degree or PhD by then, and I don't want to take the time off for the whole wedding theatrics; purchasing a house and paying back our student loans seems more important. The problem is that I've been humoring him by planning the wedding out found a venue, the dress, flowers, centrrpieces.... I just don't think I cab handle that kind of stress and be the center of attention. I get agoraphobic in these kinds of situations I have run out of parties before.
    What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. Posted by winter_dreams[/QUOTE]
    Why would you lead him on like that?
    Also, it is his wedding as well, I am so over women acting like it is some strange occurrence that a man has an interest in having a wedding. I'm sure you can reach some kind of compromise, there has to be a gray area between a day at the courthouse and spending your life savings. Why not wait until you are finished with school if the "stress" is too much for you. I find it odd that you don't want a honeymoon, who the heck doesn't like to go on a vacation?
  • I have spoken to him about it, and i know what kind of man I've spent the last 5 years of my life with. I would strongly suggest that if you are incapable of providing helpful advice, that you just skip to the next post. Stop wasting people's time.
  • In Response to Re:he wants she wants:[QUOTE]I have spoken to him about it, and i know what kind of man I've spent the last 5 years of my life with. I would strongly suggest that if you are incapable of providing helpful advice, that you just skip to the next post. Stop wasting people's time. Posted by winter_dreams[/QUOTE]
    So if you know him, why are you asking strangers for advice?
  • winter_dreamswinter_dreams member
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited August 2012
    Because i'm freaking the f out. I have no one else to talk to. No friends, and family doesn't want to hear about it. Besides, why does anyone ask strangers online? This site is filled with people doing the same thing i am! As to why I humored him: he's an accountant... If anyone can see the logic of the costs per day it's him. If no one here has any good advice, then can you please tell me what i can do so that i don't freak out and break down on Dday. How can I NOT make myself the center of attention?
  • I do not know why brides get all freaked out about being the center of attention as if you will be standing on a stage, under a spotlight with everyone just staring at you. The only time all eyes will be on you is when you walk down the aisle. You will be focusing on your FI waiting for you at the altar. You will have so many emotions related to the big step you are about to take that you will barely notice the people in attendence.

    At the reception how much attention you get is up to you. If you want more low key then do a sweetheart table instead of a head table. Other than that you and your husband will be going from table to table or group to group to do introductions and chat with everyone. You will only be the focus of a few people at a time. Who will presumably all be family and friends.

     You can choose to skip the extras such as cake cutting, toasts, first dances, and boquet/garter tosses. However, keep in mind that not everyone goes over to watch the cutting or toast, not everyone watches the first dances, and the tosses are usually done toward the end of the reception when many people have left. These events are usually done with everyone crowding around so that those in back cant really see anything anyway.

    Many of your guests will be happy to be part of your day but are really lookingThey will be socializing and not paying any attention to you other than when you stop by to chat or above mentioned events are happening. Its sound harsher than i mean it to but the bride and groom honestly are not the end all be all of receptions. You will be a lot less in the spot light than you think.



  • There are a range of options for a wedding that exist somewhere between going and doing the paperwork and a fullblown, black tie affair for 250.  It sounds like you and your FI need to stop planning for a little bit and go back to basics.  What do you both see as ideal?  What can't you see your wedding day without?  What doesn't mean that much to you?

    Set a budget and agree on a guest list size.  Would your FI be comfortable with a smaller number of people you both know really well?  Maybe immediate family members and your closest friends?  Would you be able to carry on through a day with people you knew without any anxiety or agoraphobia?  Set some guidelines for who you will and will not invite (as in, you both need to know 90% of the guest list or you are only inviting family through first cousins).

    It was inappropriate of you to "humor" him by making plans you knew you wouldn't enjoy or follow through on, just as it is/was inappropriate of him to insist on a certain type of wedding know how you feel.  I agree with PPs that there are ways you can limit your time in the spotlight - have a short ceremony, skip the first dance and other spotlight dances, skip the cake cutting and tosses.  You can also decide to skip the walk down the aisle or to walk with your FI.  First though, I think you both need to start over on what the day will look like - more communication, better compromise.
  • For someone so concerned with having their time wasted, you certainly have no issue wasting your fiance's time. Come to a compromise, or move on with your life.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    There is a middle ground between the courthouse and a whole big affair. 
  • I 100% agree with RedHead.  You don't have to have 200 people, a huge ceremony lasting 1/5 hours and a reception to match.  You are totally allowed to have a small intimate affair, to walk down the aisle with your FI, have it during the day so it's a brunch, whatever you wish!  The one thing is that maybe along with talking with your FI about everything, (please please please be honest and stop going through the motions b/c it's not fair) maybe you can get some additional therapy to help you prepare for the wedding.  I assume based upon the meds issue you are in some sort of therapy.  Maybe you need to have a few sessions with him, maybe you need more of a specialized short term treatment in addition to what you already are doing.  I am a stranger, but, I think like most of the ladies on this thread, we wouldn't want you to miss out on marrying the love of your life (i hope).  I truly hope that you can work this out and the best of luck to you.

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  • Thank you redheadmk, JaclyneD and rachelm13. That was helpful advice.
  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    there are a few options for what's happening here but...you're talking about meds, so I'm going to assume you have something along the lines of anxiety disorder.
    The fact that your FI is telling you to shut up and go along means he either doesn't believe you have an anxiety disorder or he doesn't CARE you have an anxiety disorder or he just doesnt 'get' what the disorder is and what it entails.

    ^THAT is a huge problem for someone you're commiting to spend the rest of your life with.
    The wedding debate, the lying you're doing (lie of omission), the family issues, those are all problems, but not as huge as him not understanding a major part ofyour life--either because youve hidden it from him or because he's choosing not to.
    Fix that.  then worry about the wedding stuff. 
  • I agree with PPs, there can be some sort of compromise. As you said, he can easily see the cost for just one day, but to him it may ACTUALLY be worth the money! You don't need to "shut up and do it" if he means a 250 person affair, but you should come to a compromise, maybe 50 close friends at the park with a JP and dinner at a nice restaurant. No WP, no lavish dress, minimal decor and no favors.

    He needs to understand your feelings, but YOU need to understand his too!
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  • dharmabunnydharmabunny member
    Ninth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:5a7d001e-2679-4753-b285-157fcb4ee228">Re: he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]there are a few options for what's happening here but...you're talking about meds, so I'm going to assume you have something along the lines of anxiety disorder. The fact that your<strong> FI is telling you to shut up and go along means he either doesn't believe you have an anxiety disorder or he doesn't CARE you have an anxiety disorder or he just doesnt 'get' what the disorder is and what it entails.</strong> ^THAT is a huge problem for someone you're commiting to spend the rest of your life with. The wedding debate, the lying you're doing (lie of omission), the family issues, those are all problems, <strong>but not as huge as him not understanding a major part ofyour life--either because youve hidden it from him or because he's choosing not to. Fix that.  then worry about the wedding stuff. </strong>
    Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

    This. I can't tell or whether you are so mowed over with subservience you feel compelled to say "ok, sweetie" and never allow your voice to be heard as a equal in the relationship, or he flat-out doesn't care what you think, he wants his way no matter what, to hell with how you feel.  These are BIG things to get worked out FIRST.  It will get no better once legal ties and visas are established.
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:af76ba32-85ab-46c2-8e18-1079722756ec">he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]This may sound odd, but my fiance really wants a wedding ceremony. I personally think it's a waste of time and money, no offense to anyone here, and would rather just go to court and fill out the paper work. I don't care much for a honeymoon either. I'll be working on my Masters degree or PhD by then, and I don't want to take the time off for the whole wedding theatrics; purchasing a house and paying back our student loans seems more important. The problem is that<strong> I've been humoring him by planning the wedding out; found a venue, the dress, flowers, centerpieces</strong>.... I just don't think I can handle that kind of stress and be the center of attention. I get agoraphobic in these kinds of situations I have run out of parties before. What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. Notes <strong>1. We've discussed this issue and he told me to just shut up and do it 2. I would need to be in benzotropines for the day and if you don't know what that's like your day goes by in slow motion... It's awful. 3. I am not a US citizen. The visas alone would cost a couple of grand. </strong>4. My family dislikes my fiance, and are not only in two separate continents, but refuse to speak to one another.<strong> IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ADVICE THEN DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING TO THIS POST.
    </strong>Posted by winter_dreams[/QUOTE]

    All of the responders have given you advice - just because you don't like what they had to say, doesn't make the advice invalid.

    I'm going a bit out of order here -

    1) why in the hell would you marry someone who would speak to you like that? that's completely disrespectful.
    2) why would you marry someone who doesn't respect your social anxiety disorder, and is unwilling to compromise to make you more comfortable?
    3) I would *assume* that you'll have to pay the visa costs either way, right? so you'll need to either factor that into your budget or not marry a US citizen.

    Why are you planning a wedding that you don't want? You're sending your FI mixed signals - telling him that you don't want a big party, but planning one anyway.

    You need to compromise on what you're both comfortable with - could you handle a small ceremony with only family and close friends? As many PP  have stated, there is a lot of grey area between JOP and big blowout black tie party for 300.

    You also need to have respect for what your FI wants - while your post makes him out to be a total a-hole, I'm betting that you haven't really taken any of his wishes into consideration. This is his relationship and his wedding, too - his opinion counts. Your OP doesn't say what he wants besides "a wedding ceremony."
  • If you can't take advice, you came to the wrong wedding board.
  • I'm wondering if he knows what he's in for.  Does he realize that he's signing on for a lifetime with someone who can't even go to a damn party or on vacation without needing to be drugged into oblivion, whose whole family hates him to boot?  The anxiety disorder is huge.  Your whole lives are going to be about what you want, what's comfortable for you, because of this disorder and its apparent magnitude.  Because it's an illness rather than a simple preference, he's going to have to swallow what he wants, always and forever, and do everything your way.  You can see already that this isn't going well.

    This sounds like one hell of a miserable lifetime for him, and for you.  You're going to be miserable and angry at everything that entails living a normal life that he's pushing you to do, and you apparently can't.  He's going to resent the hell out of you for having to live a hermit's life, which he clearly doesn't want to do.  This is going to end in tears.  I'm not saying break up now, but now is not the time to be planning a wedding - you have too much in a marriage to worry about.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:af76ba32-85ab-46c2-8e18-1079722756ec">he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]This may sound odd, but my fiance really wants a wedding ceremony. I personally think it's a waste of time and money, no offense to anyone here, and would rather just go to court and fill out the paper work. I don't care much for a honeymoon either. I'll be working on my Masters degree or PhD by then, and I don't want to take the time off for the whole wedding theatrics; purchasing a house and paying back our student loans seems more important. The problem is that I've been humoring him by planning the wedding out; found a venue, the dress, flowers, centerpieces.... I just don't think I can handle that kind of stress and be the center of attention. I get agoraphobic in these kinds of situations I have run out of parties before. What can I do? I don't want to hurt his feelings. Notes 1. We've discussed this issue and he told me to just shut up and do it 2. I would need to be in benzotropines for the day and if you don't know what that's like your day goes by in slow motion... It's awful. 3. I am not a US citizen. The visas alone would cost a couple of grand. 4. My family dislikes my fiance, and are not only in two separate continents, but refuse to speak to one another. IF YOU CAN'T GIVE ADVICE THEN DON'T BOTHER RESPONDING TO THIS POST.
    Posted by winter_dreams[/QUOTE]

    <div>Even though I think you're a bit of a controllig \#/ and so is he, I'll answer.</div><div>
    </div><div>Wedding ceremony =/= reception.  I have friend who picked a church that was important to them, drove up there with their 2 best friends and had a wedding ceremony and dinner at a local restaurant.  That was it.  They had a blast, they're glowing in their pictures and it was happy and what they wanted.  I think they probably spent $500 all told for ceremony, gas and dinner.  .  So, why don't you talk to him about what "IT" is and figure out a middle ground here.</div><div>
    </div><div>[head tilt] I thought getting married negated needing the visa, but even if it doesn't, you're going to have to pay that anyway, right? So I don't see how that's even an "issue".</div><div>
    </div><div>Finally, you apparently have a very real problem.  And if he's unwilling to compromise, I think that says a lot about the man you are marrying.  I have a friend who dearly wanted a big wedding but his (yes, a man) FI suffers from extreme anxiety issues, so they just went to the courthouse.  It was more important to him to be married to her as she was, than to have the big party.  So, you have another real problem now, b/c if you compromise here, what about the next time?</div>
  • edited August 2012
    I'm saying break up now. You're 'humoring him' by planning a wedding? A wedding that you don't want? As opposed to opening your mouth and using your words to say, "Hey, we need to compromise here that way we both get a bit of what we want." That's not simply humoring someone. Trying on a ballgown once because your mother wants to see you in it when you want a sheath is humoring someone. Will you 'humor him' by having a baby when you don't want kids? Okay, have fun with that. 

    I don't spend money to go along with something I don't want. I also don't allow people to dictate or diminish my emotions. 

    THAT IS MY ADVICE. I'M SORRY IF YOU WANTED TO HEAR, "ZOMG, HE'S A GIANT WIENER AND YOU ARE OH SO RIGHT. HE SHOULD TOTALLY GIVE IN TO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE WIFE AND LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING THE WIFE HAPPY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL THOSE FUNNY SHOWS ON THE TEEVEE MACHINES SAY."
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:f4c8a440-4251-46d7-a1d2-17ff0b777224">Re: he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to he wants she wants : All of the responders have given you advice - just because you don't like what they had to say, doesn't make the advice invalid. I'm going a bit out of order here - 1) why in the hell would you marry someone who would speak to you like that? that's completely disrespectful. 2) why would you marry someone who doesn't respect your social anxiety disorder, and is unwilling to compromise to make you more comfortable? 3) I would *assume* that you'll have to pay the visa costs either way, right? so you'll need to either factor that into your budget or not marry a US citizen. Why are you planning a wedding that you don't want? You're sending your FI mixed signals - telling him that you don't want a big party, but planning one anyway. You need to compromise on what you're both comfortable with - could you handle a small ceremony with only family and close friends? As many PP  have stated, there is a lot of grey area between JOP and big blowout black tie party for 300. You also need to have respect for what your FI wants - while your post makes him out to be a total a-hole, I'm betting that you haven't really taken any of his wishes into consideration. This is his relationship and his wedding, too - his opinion counts. Your OP doesn't say what he wants besides "a wedding ceremony."
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    1) why in the hell would you marry someone who would speak to you like that? that's completely disrespectful.
    <strong>He wasn't being disrespectful, just annoyed</strong>...
    2) why would you marry someone who doesn't respect your social anxiety disorder, and is unwilling to compromise to make you more comfortable?
    <strong>You have a point there.  I just don't think he know's how bad my anxiety problem is... I have run out of party halls after only spending 5 minutes before.  I don't know why I freak oout so much, and I don't like being this way.  I need to get over it... It's just very hard.</strong>
    3) I would *assume* that you'll have to pay the visa costs either way, right?
    <strong>Yup! (joy...) plus school, plus the move, plus.....ah!  You should see how much I owe on student loans right now!  I'm not marrying my fiance to get a citizenship, I'm marrying him because I love him.  I will never forget the day we met...I'd rather die than live without him.</strong>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:242099e4-60b9-4f28-b640-b380896be324">Re: he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you can't take advice, you came to the wrong wedding board.
    Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

    There's a<u> BIG DIFFERENCE</u> between a (<em>nasty</em>) comment and advice.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:adfddac3-c5cc-417c-84e5-4ed6f18d1677">Re: he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm wondering if he knows what he's in for.  Does he realize that he's signing on for a lifetime with someone who can't even go to a damn party or on vacation without needing to be drugged into oblivion, whose whole family hates him to boot?  The anxiety disorder is huge.  Your whole lives are going to be about what you want, what's comfortable for you, because of this disorder and its apparent magnitude.  Because it's an illness rather than a simple preference, he's going to have to swallow what he wants, always and forever, and do everything your way.  You can see already that this isn't going well. This sounds like one hell of a miserable lifetime for him, and for you.  You're going to be miserable and angry at everything that entails living a normal life that he's pushing you to do, and you apparently can't.  He's going to resent the hell out of you for having to live a hermit's life, which he clearly doesn't want to do.  This is going to end in tears.  I'm not saying break up now, but now is not the time to be planning a wedding - you have too much in a marriage to worry about.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    Your concerns are legitimate, but in all honesty, he and I both know this is not normal, and I am more than willing to become better.  I hate being this way!  I don't like the drugs, and I'd rather not take them (and I don't...they're awful!)  He's helped me quite a bit.  I've started jogging and it seems to be helping.  I don't ever want him to feel like I'm a ball-and-chain, so whatever I need to do so he will be happy, i'm willing to do.  He's already been married, this is my first time.  I'd like it to be my last too.  I know it'll be hard work on my end, but he's worth it! 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-wants-she-wants?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:f424d79a-31cc-432a-a932-3d786a899cc1Post:c145988b-0259-4322-bff1-a26a7ea49ffe">Re: he wants she wants</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm saying break up now. You're 'humoring him' by planning a wedding? A wedding that you don't want? As opposed to opening your mouth and using your words to say, "Hey, we need to compromise here that way we both get a bit of what we want." That's not simply humoring someone. Trying on a ballgown once because your mother wants to see you in it when you want a sheath is humoring someone. Will you 'humor him' by having a baby when you don't want kids? Okay, have fun with that.  I don't spend money to go along with something I don't want. I also don't allow people to dictate or diminish my emotions.  THAT IS MY ADVICE. I'M SORRY IF YOU WANTED TO HEAR, "ZOMG, HE'S A GIANT WIENER AND YOU ARE OH SO RIGHT. HE SHOULD TOTALLY GIVE IN TO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU WILL BE THE WIFE AND LIFE IS ALL ABOUT MAKING THE WIFE HAPPY BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT ALL THOSE FUNNY SHOWS ON THE TEEVEE MACHINES SAY."
    Posted by HookaPants[/QUOTE]


    No, I don't want to hear he's a giant weiner...I know what those are and worse.  Yhis man has been nothing but loving and respectful to me.  I  am thankful that he and I met, because I would be 6 feet under ground by now if it weren't for him.  I was in an abusive relationship before he came along, I was raped, and that [email protected]$hole was seconds away from pimping me out.  My fiance taught me to respect myself as a human being.  I owe him my life. 
    <strong>I asked him why he wanted to have a wedding ceremony, and here's what he told me:
    1) Because I love you
    2) lots of gifts</strong> (this one's a joke)<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />
    <strong>3) I had a bad wedding the first time
    4) Because I want one
    5) So our families can meet...and hate each other  </strong>(this one's a joke too)

    I have this list as the first page of my wedding binder, and it makes me smile everytime.
    Despite my family (maternal grandmother and maternal uncle) disliking him, I've finally mustered up the courage to tell my mother.  I was afraid of what she would say.  My family has this crazy idea that I should spent my whole life under the same roof I grew up in...it's suffocating.  My mother on the other hand was thrilled, and actually started helping me out.  I was so relieved, that now, I'm alot more confident about the wedding preps.  I finally have a family member on my side, helping me.  I really needed that.
  • THANK YOU TO ALL THAT "CONTRIBUTED" (although that's debatable).  My wedding plans on well on their way, and I now have the support of the 2 people I love the most in this world: my mother and fiance.  Wish me luck with the anxiety, and sticking to a jogging routine.

    Best of luck to all of you, and may you have wonderful lives with your Mr!
    Take care!
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