Bridesmaids

Mayacj08 · January 2013

Hi,

I am having a really hard time choosing bridesmaids. I made the EPIC mistake of calling all of my girldfriends when I got engaged and mentioning the fact that I want them to be bridesmaids. I have 9 friends who mean a great deal to me and I don't know how to pare down the list while not hurting their feelings.

Reality started to set in today and I now realize that I'm having a small wedding of only 100 people, and that I can't afford numerous bouquets, transportation for all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, etc because we are working with a tight budget.

My fiance says to have whoever I want in the bridal party and to just have fun- but I can't stop thinking that the bridesmaid to guest ratio would be too high with 9 maids and 100 guests!

It'd be great to have advice on:

1) Should I have 9 bridesmaids for a wedding of 100 people?

2) If not, how do I renig my offer without hurting feelings?

3) How can I utlize these close friends during the wedding so that they still feel more valuable than a regular guest? We are having a Catholic mass...

I know that I made a huge mistake by asking without thinking! Please help.

Summer2011Bride · January 2013

Well if you already asked them to be BMs, you're kind of stuck. I understand you got swept up in the excitement of your engagement, but this is a perfect example of why we suggest waiting to ask BP members until about 9 months out. What's done is done, though, so I would keep the 9 girls you asked. It would hurt their feelings and could damage your relationships with them if you were to kick them out now. It's fine to have 9 girls with 100 guests.

aquari0216 · January 2013

I have 10 bridesmaids with a guestlist of 80....so what's the problem again?? Its your wedding so what ratio?

artikaur · January 2013

You already asked them to be in the party, so asking them to step down now would cause a lot of hurt feelings. 9 bridesmaids can still work out with a party of 100. Yes, it's probably more bridesmaids than is ideal, but it's not the end of the world.

In terms of cost, you don't have to get them a big bouquet. They can carry a single rose or a single gerbera daisy. And they should be able to drive themselves to and from the ceremony. My fiance was a groomsman at his brother's ceremony and he drove to and from the venue. No one paid for our transportation. Just be upfront with your friends and state that you have a limited budget, and that you cannot afford transportation costs for them all.

You also don't have to spend a ton of money on bridesmaid gifts. You could look out for sales and clip coupons. You could also scale back in other areas to help cover the expenses of the bridesmaid's bouquets.

Just make sure that from now on, you think twice before mentioning wedding details to anyone, so you don't overextend yourself.

BreanaThompson · January 2013

1) Considering you already have the 9 bridesmaids, I would say keep them. And they're all people you want up there with you anyway. But I do see your point that's it's a lot of people. I've seen it done before though, not sure how many there were but there was a lot. As a guest and knowing the Bride a little I just saw it as her being close with a lot of people, not really a bad thing. And yes there wedding was smaller.

2) You would definitely hurt feelings. No way around that. I mean, unless you got rid of all of them, you would essentially be saying, "I know I asked you earlier, but I decided I have too many people and I like so and so better so your out." I'm sure you can see how that would be hurtful.

3) Irrelevant, but readings are the only thing I could think of that would work.

I understand about money as well. You could do what I'm going to call wrist corsages since I don't know the proper term. But a wedding I was in did that, they were pretty simply but pretty. It's been a while so I don't remember specifics but being smaller they were probably cheaper. Also you could get flowers from places like Sams Club or costco, which seems to be a lot cheaper than a flourist, but would require you to do more yourself. And there are other ways to cut costs too.

Viczaesar · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fd3ce90-e507-4056-8334-136d24c80f96Post:740e5c65-9904-4256-8362-7e30d2487124">Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I am having a really hard time choosing bridesmaids. I made the EPIC mistake of calling all of my girldfriends when I got engaged and mentioning the fact that I want them to be bridesmaids. I have 9 friends who mean a great deal to me and I don't know how to pare down the list while not hurting their feelings. Reality started to set in today and I now realize that I'm having a small wedding of only 100 people, and that I can't afford numerous bouquets, transportation for all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, etc because we are working with a tight budget. My fiance says to have whoever I want in the bridal party and to just have fun- but I can't stop thinking that the bridesmaid to guest ratio would be too high with 9 maids and 100 guests! It'd be great to have advice on: 1) Should I have 9 bridesmaids for a wedding of 100 people? 2) If not, how do I renig my offer without hurting feelings? 3) How can I utlize these close friends during the wedding so that they still feel more valuable than a regular guest? We are having a Catholic mass... I know that I made a huge mistake by asking without thinking! Please help.
Posted by Mayacj08[/QUOTE]
The horse is out of the barn and halfway to the next town over. You're not having trouble deciding who to make a bridesmaid because you already decided, AND told them. Congratulations, you have your 9 best friends as your bridesmaids! There is no way of going back on giving them the honor without hurting the feelings of your good friends. Listen to your FI and accept that you already have your wedding party. You don't need to pay for their transportation, you can do cheaper alternatives to bouquets, and your gifts can be affordable as long as they're also thoughtful.

allychase · January 2013

Aaaaand this is why you don't ask people to be your bridesmaid many many months away from your wedding. And What is a bridesmaid to guest ratio?

daveANDkristen · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fd3ce90-e507-4056-8334-136d24c80f96Post:787d5832-ae3d-4b49-8f2c-749da9918a7f">Re:Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Aaaaand this is why you don't ask people to be your bridesmaid many many months away from your wedding. <strong>And What is a bridesmaid to guest ratio</strong>?
Posted by allychase[/QUOTE]

Bolded. OP, I wouldn't worry about this. There is no "appropriate" number of BMs for the size of the wedding. It would cause hurt feelings to tell them you've changed your mind aobut the size of the WP. You should honor what you've already told them about wanting them as your BMs. Has your FI asked anyone to be GMs yet? Keep in mind there is no need for your sides to be even. He absolutely should not find nine people to ask (who he wouldn't otherwise ask) to be on his side. You should both have whoever is closest to you, period.

StephJean83 · January 2013

I agree with PPs about you having your BP already. I've been in my fair share of weddings and I can tell you that the only ones that provided transportation were 2 of my sisters, and they provided shuttle buses from the hotel(s) to the reception for all guests. Every other wedding, we carpooled to the ceremony and reception.

As far as bouquets, I know real flowers are nice but have you looked at doing fake flowers? I know that Michael's, Hobby Lobby and JoAnn's all sells them and offer good coupons to buy them. Like PPs have said, you could do single flower, shopping at wholesale places like Sam's or Costco. Gift's don't have to cost a lot. I was in a wedding and the bride shopped Bath and Body Work's annual sales, gave the girls lotion, body spray, bath gel and hand soaps(some were mini sizes vs full size so she give us more). You could set a limit of $10-$20 per BM and that would be $90-$180 for gifts.

I never really count how many guests are in the seats and see if they have too many or too few BMs. I wrote out my list of BMs for my FH when we were figuring some numbers, and I have 8 girls I want to ask. Most weddings I've been to or been in, have only had like 4 or 5 but I couldn't picture not having those 8 ladies with me as I marry my FH.

Tami87 · January 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_bridesmaids-15?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:3fd3ce90-e507-4056-8334-136d24c80f96Post:740e5c65-9904-4256-8362-7e30d2487124">Bridesmaids</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I am having a really hard time choosing bridesmaids. I made the EPIC mistake of calling all of my girldfriends when I got engaged and mentioning the fact that I want them to be bridesmaids. I have 9 friends who mean a great deal to me and I don't know how to pare down the list while not hurting their feelings. Reality started to set in today and I now realize that I'm having a small wedding of only 100 people, and that I can't afford numerous bouquets, transportation for all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, etc because we are working with a tight budget. My fiance says to have whoever I want in the bridal party and to just have fun- but I can't stop thinking that the bridesmaid to guest ratio would be too high with 9 maids and 100 guests! It'd be great to have advice on: 1) Should I have 9 bridesmaids for a wedding of 100 people? 2) If not, how do I renig my offer without hurting feelings? 3) How can I utlize these close friends during the wedding so that they still feel more valuable than a regular guest? <strong>We are having a Catholic mass...</strong> I know that I made a huge mistake by asking without thinking! Please help.
Posted by Mayacj08[/QUOTE]

I agree with previous posters that if you already asked these women there is no way to unask them without hurting feelings and being extremely rude. I also wouldn't worry about the ratio of wedding party to guests. However, I noticed you are having a Catholic wedding so you also need to check with your church if they have any limits on the number of bridesmaids and groomsmen you can have. I know the Catholic church I got married at had a limit of 9 each, but I have heard of other churches having lower limits so I would find out about this asap.

For a Catholic wedding mass the other positions of honor are up to 3 readers (old testament, new testament, prayers of the faithful), or bringing up the gifts for communion, or if they are musically talented singing. Readers should believe in what they are reading but don't necessarily have to be Catholic (although double check with your church and priest because this rule can vary). Those you chose to bring up the gifts for communion should probably be Catholic.

Also there is a Catholic wedding board under cultural wedding boards on the left and the women there are great about answering questions.

erinlin25 · January 2013

yup you already have 9 bridesmaids so your next step is to plan out a budget for them. You can save on flowers as other PPs suggested. See if you have a wholesale florist in your area and you just might have to arange them yourself to save even more money, but even so using a wholesale florist or someone who evens work out of their home can lower cost a great deal.

willow1984 · January 2013

I had a bridesmaid respectfully decline due to financial problems, so you never know! Maybe mention to them there's no pressure. Some friends may say yes to being a bridesmaid before realizing what it entails. Good luck!

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