S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette

heyimbren · December 2010

I've been hoping to put together and plan a shower for my friend who's getting married in the summer. I haven't started planning since it's still too early, however one of my good friends brought this up with me and we decided to agree to disagree on this.

I know on TK just about everyone says you shouldn't invite anyone to a bridal shower who isn't also invited to the wedding. My friend (the bride) recently decided to scale back on the guest list to save money, and my other friend (another BM) suggested we just invite people to the shower who won't be invited to the wedding.

Personally, I never thought this was a good idea. I know what the answer would be on some of the other boards, but I'm curious to hear what you girls honestly think about this.

ETA: I should also add that I talked to my grandma about this later, and she agreed with me friend that inviting people to a shower isn't a big deal. Which is when I wanted to see how other people really feel about it.

Wrkn925 · December 2010

I'm going with no. I don't really see anything special about this scenario that would make it ok...am I missing something?

heyimbren · December 2010

You aren't missing anything, Wrkn. I just wanted to offer that option in the poll in case someone does feel that etiquette need not apply in a situation like this.

jeanacorina · December 2010

My coworkers had a shower for me, but that's really the only exception I can think of. It seems gift-grabby to me. Bring the bride presents, but sorry, you can't come dance and eat good food at the wedding!

desertsun · December 2010

Jeana x 2.

I think that if people KNOW they aren't invited to the wedding, and THEY decide to throw a shower anyway, that's their business.

But the bride and/or her family or WP should not host a shower and invite people who aren't invited to the wedding.

ravenray · December 2010

It just seems so rude. Hi come give me gifts but hey sorry you can't be there to wittness my day. I would be offended....

bethsmiles · December 2010

A girl from high school invited me to her bridal shower. I thought it was a little random but I'm from a small town and we did hang out with the same group of girls so I went and brought a gift. I expected to be invited to the wedding as well. When I wasn't I was very hurt and felt like I had just been used to get another gift. I wanted to call and ask for my gift back because what she did was so rude.

I agree with the PPs that if people know they aren't invited and choose to throw a show themselves then that's fine but inviting people to a shower that you know aren't invited to the wedding is extremely rude

paintgirl · December 2010

I love this post. My bf and I will either do a destination wedding or have a very small wedding near our home, which is several hours from where each of our families live. My mom has lived in the same place for 35 years and has a ton of colleague and neighbor friends. If we would have a bigger wedding she would want to invite some of them. Since bf and I are paying the bill, we set the guest list and she can't invite her little buddies. I KNOW she will want to have a shower in my hometown with these people. I think it's rude. She says they like me (I grew up around them) and want to celebrate with me.

I detest the shower concept anyway in our situation. We don't need/want gifts. If it was a party to celebrate (with cake), fine I guess. If it's the usual gifts and games, I'll pass. We won't be registering either (unless people really push - does D*ck's Sporting Goods have a registry? We could get gear and I could say we registered at D*ck's - totally worth it.)

TK won't like me say D*ck's. What if someone's name was D7ck? This is going too far, TK!

PaigeMcC · December 2010

I'd be really annoyed, as a guest, if I was invited to the shower and not to the wedding. It's like "Hey, I want a gift but you're not good enough to be on my invite list. Sorry 'bout your luck."

No dice

MLekathLEEN · December 2010

I am not a fan of inviting to the shower but not the wedding. Like everyone else said, it seems gift grabby. When I told my mom I would forgo a shower if we had a dw, she didn't understand why. When she asked her friends, they thought it was fine to have one even if they weren't going to the wedding. Idk, It might depend on the person but the majority of people I'd assume would say it's rude.

GreenPepperBurger · December 2010

Absolutely not. This totally bugs me - it's a real slap in the face to the person not invited to the wedding: "You're not good enough for me to pay for a meal for you at my wedding but you're good enough to give me a gift." No. Just no.

marleylikeair · December 2010

Agree totally with PPs. Plus, it sounds like this has potential to get really awkward at the shower and beyond. What if you or the bride start getting comments from guests who don't know the drill? Like, "this was so much fun, I can't wait for the wedding!"? Ick. Good luck with this situation, Bren! Is this the same bride from your last poll?

SeaTea02 · December 2010

I was invited to the bachelorette party once and not the wedding. I was pretty offended. I wouldn't do this unless the wedding is REALLY small, like just parents. I would have a bridal shower for a friend doing a JOP or something like that.

heyimbren · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:97a04317-a750-443e-bc49-f7eb53967912">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Agree totally with PPs. Plus, it sounds like this has potential to get really awkward at the shower and beyond. What if you or the bride start getting comments from guests who don't know the drill? Like, "this was so much fun, I can't wait for the wedding!"? Ick. Good luck with this situation, Bren! <strong>Is this the same bride from your last poll?
</strong>Posted by marleylikeair[/QUOTE]

Yes, it is. She hasn't said anything about it, it's been others who have told me it doesn't matter. I don't like it either. So if it comes down to it, I'll just decline to host a shower. I find it interesting how many parents suggest doing it though.

Hazel_B · December 2010

This whole being invited to wedding only shower guest thing is new to me.

Bren, since I am originally from the general area you live in I wonder if your friend has a similar background to me. In my community and family it is customary to be invited to a shower and not to the wedding. It is the community's and extended family's (eg. my second and third cousins) way of showing their support. Note this has nothing to do with friends at all. Until TK I was completely unaware of how unusual this was.

As a friend I would be offended, but if it is for someone at church, in the community or extended family member I think it is fine.

I guess I also have the view that only inviting wedding guests seems very gift grabby to me. Like it is another way to get gifts out of people that will already be giving a wedding gift. The showers I experienced growing up were always a way to contribute support to the couple without having the obligation of attending the wedding. These were also more announcement style invites in the community, at church or within the family.

All that being said, I understand that my perspective is weird.

heyimbren · December 2010

Hazel, that's also why I wanted to ask. I know in our church it's very common for the church to host a shower for the bride-to-be and it's an open invitation. That, to me, seems to be an exception along the lines of Jeana's co-worker shower. The only showers I've actually been to have either been held for family or through a church, so I really don't have any experience with this.

I just don't want to come across as the jerk who hosted a bridal shower and invited people who were disinvited to the wedding, but still invited to the shower, KWIM?

marleylikeair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:6fb8c1ba-2418-4d45-9a5e-d087af24517f">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette : Yes, it is. She hasn't said anything about it, it's been others who have told me it doesn't matter. I don't like it either. So if it comes down to it, I'll just decline to host a shower. I find it interesting how many parents suggest doing it though.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Aha. I knew it. So weird that people are on board with the idea. This whole wedding sounds like a clusterfrick of bad etiquette. I guess they just don't realize how rudely these things can come across...? Ehh, not my place to say anything. It does make me raise an eyebrow, though. I think you're right to decline to host a shower. No need to do something you're uncomfortable with.</div>

loves2shop4shoes · December 2010

Hellllll no. I don't care how small their budget is, if they opt for a small wedding, they opt for a small bridal shower. It's rude to essentially say to people, "You're good enough to buy me a gift, but not good enough to come to my wedding." If the person feels close enough to you that they want to buy you a present regardless of whether they're at the shower or wedding, that's very nice of them, but why should they have to?

No...just no.

jeanacorina · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:d8c68935-23e5-4fc0-a078-b1860c6b4d6b">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]I know in our church it's very common for the church to host a shower for the bride-to-be and it's an open invitation. That, to me, seems to be an exception along the lines of Jeana's co-worker shower.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

I agree, it's the same kind of thing. If a third cousin wants to host a shower and invite extended family to show support and celebrate with the bride, and none of them are invited, then fine. They can do that. But for a group who IS going to the wedding (esp the bridesmaids) to invite people NOT invited looks bad on the bride. That's like the official shower, if that makes sense.

If Paint's mom's friends want to throw her a shower, then that's different than Paint's mom throwing her a shower and inviting her friends who can't come to the wedding.

Does that make sense or am I getting complicated?

heyimbren · December 2010

Jeana, you're making perfect sense (to me at least). I do see a difference between the two.

Marley, I think it's because this is the first engagement/wedding in our "year". No one seems ot really know what's going on. To be fair, I didn't know about most of this until recently.

marleylikeair · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:4a733d4c-9e49-4ca2-a5c3-97e742c806f1">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]Jeana, you're making perfect sense (to me at least). I do see a difference between the two. Marley, I think it's because this is the first engagement/wedding in our "year". No one seems ot really know what's going on. To be fair, I didn't know about most of this until recently.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]

Yeah, that makes sense.

What Jeana said makes sense, too.

ETA: There are a few things, etiquette-wise, that I wasn't quite aware of either, until I started going on TK.

leia1979 · December 2010

I agree with Jeana (surprise!). The "official" shower should only be people who are invited to the wedding. If some other group (coworkers, church, etc) wants to throw a separate shower with non-invited people, then that's fine.

Narwhal · December 2010

I was invited to a bachelorette party/wedding shower last summer and I was not invited to the wedding. I was very offended. It was a facebook event, and the girls throwing the shower only invited the people invited to the wedding. Then they made the bride the admin and she invited more people that were not invited to the wedding (including myself, obviously).

I wouldn't do it. I'm still kind of mad about it.

[Deleted User] · December 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:8933323b-c461-40bd-85c8-49128a377036">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This whole being invited to wedding only shower guest thing is new to me. Bren, since I am originally from the general area you live in I wonder if your friend has a similar background to me. In my community and family it is customary to be invited to a shower and not to the wedding. It is the community's and extended family's (eg. my second and third cousins) way of showing their support. Note this has nothing to do with friends at all. Until TK I was completely unaware of how unusual this was. As a friend I would be offended, but if it is for someone at church, in the community or extended family member I think it is fine. I guess I also have the view that only inviting wedding guests seems very gift grabby to me. Like it is another way to get gifts out of people that will already be giving a wedding gift. The showers I experienced growing up were always a way to contribute support to the couple without having the obligation of attending the wedding. These were also more announcement style invites in the community, at church or within the family. All that being said, I understand that my perspective is weird.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]

This is how I grew up. I've been to so many showers at my church (wedding and baby and also birthday parties, anniversary parties, etc) that everyone was "invited" via an announcement in the church bulletin or something. They do the same thing with the wedding - people in the church know that the bride and groom can't possibly invite everyone in the church to the reception (which is at a location different from the church) and it's just accepted in my church - a lot of people go to the ceremony and not the reception and no one has a problem with it - it's their choice...and again, since it's a church community, it's a different mind set than "traditional" etiquette.

The ladies throwing my shower just put an announcement in the bulletin inviting every woman of the church to my shower (whether I know them or not), if they want to come and have some cake and punch and play a few games, they're welcome to come - the more the merrier.

Outside of a church/family community setting, I agree with others, though, it would probably be a little weird. I hosted a shower for a co-worker several years ago - everyone from the office was invited. We knew she was having a small wedding and that the ceremony was for immediate family and their 2 best friends only and they were having a reception after for others. I found out at the reception that several of my co-workers had been invited to the ceremony after all and I wasn't - it hurt a little, but I went and celebrated with her anyway, I saw no point in making a big deal out of it - I could have chosen not to go.

Hazel_B · January 2011

I think Jeana hit on a really good point, that the wedding party should host the official stuff. If others choose to host a shower whether they are neighbour, church goer, third cousin twice removed then they can do their own thing.

kimmieniesink · January 2011

I feel that this is a big NO. My FMIL is throwing me a shower in the town we are having the wedding, and is going to invite people to the shower that are not invited to the wedding. These are some of her colleagues and people from the neighbourhood who she said asked to be invited and will expect to come to the shower. I just feel guilty with them coming to the shower but not being invited to the wedding. You just have to maybe disassociate yourself from the host title if she keeps insisting and you feel this way about it.

Beads921 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_shower-invitee-etiquette?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:83069e50-ed98-4202-bc28-e811ba2d646aPost:8933323b-c461-40bd-85c8-49128a377036">Re: S/O: Shower Invitee Etiquette</a>:
[QUOTE]This whole being invited to wedding only shower guest thing is new to me. Bren, since I am originally from the general area you live in I wonder if your friend has a similar background to me. In my community and family it is customary to be invited to a shower and not to the wedding. It is the community's and extended family's (eg. my second and third cousins) way of showing their support. Note this has nothing to do with friends at all. Until TK I was completely unaware of how unusual this was. As a friend I would be offended, but if it is for someone at church, in the community or extended family member I think it is fine. I guess I also have the view that only inviting wedding guests seems very gift grabby to me. Like it is another way to get gifts out of people that will already be giving a wedding gift. The showers I experienced growing up were always a way to contribute support to the couple without having the obligation of attending the wedding. These were also more announcement style invites in the community, at church or within the family. All that being said, I understand that my perspective is weird.
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yep, same here. I find the whole 'only being invited to the shower if you're invited to the wedding' thing odd. Neighbours, friends of the family who don't make the cut for the wedding, co-workers, people you might belong to a community organization with, etc etc often enjoy being invited to the shower as a way of wishing the bride all the best, and like to take a gift, <em>because </em>they aren't attending the wedding.</div><div>
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