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Wedding Woes

s/o family visitors

what do you do when family is in town to visit?

do you try and plan things for people to do, or let your guests plan/suggest activities? does it make a difference if it's just folks from one side or both your parents and ILs?

how do you compromise when you have people from both sides at once in town for a few days?

Re: s/o family visitors

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    if it's the ils, dh handles everything.  normally, he plans a bunch of activities and older bil and sil decline to do everything or show up late or mess up our plans in some way and i am left fuming and hating them until we have to see them again.  luckily, they only ruin my life twice a year.

    if it's my family, i plan nothing.  my family normally doesn't want to do anything or they let me know exactly what they want to do ahead of time and i do the planning, get tickets, etc.

    we've never had both of them in town at the same time.  thank goodness.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    my parents (and probably my sister) will be in town for Wolverine's bithday. They mentioned it back in March or April, so I said they could stay at our house.

    ILs told DK a few weeks ago that they also planned to come down for Wolverine's birthday. They asked if my parents were coming and DK told them yes, they had let us know a few months ago and would be staying with us. ILs plan to stay at a nearby hotel.

    BIL told me he may try and come down too, but we'll likely find out his plans about 2 days in advance.

    Other than planning a small birthday party, I'm stuck. Everyone will want to spend time with the baby ( and to a lesser extent, DK and myself) - but she's going where we go. My parents like to go sightseeing - to the zoo/aquarium/amusement parks/historical sites/museums/etc. FIL likes to sit on the couch and watch TV (and he'll do historical stuff too). MIL will go along with whatever FIL wants.

    I'd rather go out and sightsee, and so would DK - but his parents will be all butthurt if we all go out somewhere and they don't want to go. (This happened when they were here in march - we went to the zoo with my sister and invited his paretns and brother to come - they declined and MIL was all upset about it)

    I suggested going to the TX Ren Faire, but otherwise, I've got nothing.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited December 2011
    I say make one or two plans beyond the b-day party.  And then keep it loose. 

    And if you want to go somewhere and your IL's want to sit on the couch with their thumbs up their ass and then get butthurt because you wanted to get out of the house, well that's their problem.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]I say make one or two plans beyond the b-day party.  And then keep it loose.  And if you want to go somewhere and your IL's want to sit on the couch with their thumbs up their ass and then get butthurt because you wanted to get out of the house, well that's their problem.
    Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

    but i also think it's rude and inconsiderate to leave and be gone all day when you know your ils are back home and would rather be with you.  go to the zoo in the morning and be back in the afternoon and hang out with the ils.

    some people would rather spend some time resting and relaxing while they're traveling rather than trekking here and there.  one is not better than the other, and if you are going to treat one as "better" than the other, you might as well buy mil "the tooth fairy" dvd and just fully piss them off.
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    My parents and ILs are complete opposites. When my parents visited, my mom planned all sight-seeing in advance and all we did was suggest a couple of different dinner options. We put them up in a hotel, because I can't stand having my mom comment on the cleanliness of my house. Even in the brief times we had nothing to do, she'd do things like offer to "help" me vacuum.

    When our ILs were here they stayed with us, and were perfectly content to sit in the living room and talk and play with Herbert. The only "site" they wanted to see was H's office.
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    sadly, MIL wouldn't "get it" if it got her the DVD. Wink

    That was the compromise in March - when they turned us down for the zoo, we all went out for dinner together. I don't want to totally blow off one family or the other - they are all spending a lot of money/time to make the trip down.

    I know MIL would have gone to the zoo with us, but she felt bad leaving FIL at the hotel by himself. They went out a few times on their own (NASA, san antonio day trip) - but the one activity we suggested was shot down.

    I'm hoping the Ren Faire idea works - I think that has the potential to be a lot of fun for everyone. (Thankfully for MIL's sake, Pirate weekend is about 2 weeks before their visit.)
  • edited December 2011
    I'm having to deal with this in Oct. Aunt Poops A Lot and my uncle are coming to visit my sis and I. I have no idea what to do with them besides taking them to dinner.

    My aunt's only hobby is gambling, and my uncle only likes to smoke funny cigarettes and drink Crown. Hmmm.

    This is going to be a very long 5 days. I think maybe I'll take my aunt to get her nails done, and maybe the black dance theater has a show. I do also know of a hole in the wall club for pappa joes that my uncle can go to.

    Wait until I break the news to auntie that she isn't allowed to smoke in my house.

    {Outside Baby}
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  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I pretend to be busy and duck phone calls.

    I'm such an assh*le.  To be fair, though, it's always Mr. Kuus's old, nasty white-glove inspection great aunt.
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  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    actually, the dvd says this: "hey, remember how you threw me that baby shower?  and made all the food and the decorations?  and how i pitched a fit that the theme wasn't what i wanted?  and how dk got involved too?  well, i just thought i would give you this dvd to remind you how much i hated that party.  ha ha ha!"

    btw -- this is exactly why "who's paying?" is sometimes a stupid question.  your mil paid for this party, but you wanted to have a say in the theme (pirate), decorations (pirate) and food (cheesecake).
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    no, she's just that thick. *I* know what it says, and I haven't done it because it's pointless to stir any of that up with her.

    really what pissed me off was all of the passive agressive BS - just tell me straight out "i'm not going to do that, i think it's a stupid idea" - no dicking around with making a "practice cake" for something you have no intention of actually doing.

    i acknowledge fully it was her party, she paid, she can do whatever the hell she wanted, and i should have just kept my mouth shut and ignored her. i wrote her a very nice TY note after the party, and was done with it.
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    my family will be in town thurs - tues. not sure about the ILs plans. Wolverine's biirthday is a Friday. DK and I will both take off on Friday and Monday.

    there's going to be time to sit around and visit with people, but everything in Houston is at least a 35-45 minute drive from everything else, and a lot of the real attractions are 45+ minutes from our house, so by the time you drive both ways and actually spend a few hours checking things out, you're back by 4/5 at best.

     I know my parents want to go back down to Galveston, and I think my lLs would enjoy that too (I know MIL would like the shopping) - but that's a good 90-100 miles each way. If FIL doesn't want to go, he'd be stuck in his hotel for the full day.

    Can't please everyone, i guess.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    [QUOTE]i wrote her a very nice TY note after the party, and was done with it.
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    ...yeah.

    i don't understand why you want to have a bad relationship with your mil.  it's like you are determined to make this party into something that it wasn't -- she didn't throw this party to snub you, she didn't deliberately choose a theme you hated (although it turned out that way), and she didn't do this all out of hatred and spite. 

    yes, she spent some time saying that she didn't think a pirate theme was appropriate, but she wasn't saying she thought you were inappropriate or she hates everything you do.  yet you seem determined to rub her face in your hurt feelings over not having a party that you wanted -- the pirate earrings, the tooth fairy dvd, and so on.

    she may have made a practice cake but then decided it looked out of place in her party.  it doesn't mean she was "tricking" you into thinking she was acquiescing to your demands.  she may have decided the pirate cake was beyond her abilities.  she may have decided that she didn't have time to decorate it as elaborately as she liked.  you simply don't know.  but attributing it to malice is out of character for her, no? 

    yes, she does things that are passive aggressive but really -- they're not mean.  ask any of the women here who have mean mils -- genuinely mean mils -- and they will not complain about being tricked with cake or having a party thrown for them.
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    edited December 2011
    The first time anyone visited, we'd only been in the house a couple of months, and my mom was all upset we didn't take her around to tourist sites. We didn't know where they were, yo. Buy a guidebook. I'm still unpacking.

    The last time they visited, I made a list of a lot of factory tours and free museums. Mom wanted to shop. We shopped. And did touristy things. At least she looked something up this time!

    H's family doesn't visit. They use us as a hotel and then don't say thank you. They're not really welcome anymore, so at least we'd never have a "both sides at once" issue.

    But I love when my brothers come. We laze around and play things by ear and sleep till a decent hour. 
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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    edited December 2011
    Actually, H, I complained bitterly about when my MIL threw a stupid baby shower for me. She insisted it be a surprise, got butthurt when I accepted another shower offer from a friend because I didn't know she was throwing one, invited people neither I nor H had ever met, didn't tell us the date or the time, called a half-hour before the party started to ask where we were, complained we were late, made everyone address their own TYnote envelopes, had shitty food, and expected me to be over the fcking moon about how nice she was.

    I don't think Barbie has complained as bitterly or with as much malice as you seem to think. I get the sense she was annoyed to be asked what she wanted and then ignored, and now it's more of a joke than anything. She's allowed to not like the woman. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: s/o family visitors:
    [QUOTE]. yes, she spent some time saying that she didn't think a pirate theme was appropriate, but she wasn't saying she thought you were inappropriate or she hates everything you do.  yet you seem determined to rub her face in your hurt feelings over not having a party that you wanted -- the pirate earrings, the tooth fairy dvd, and so on. Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    our relationship is much more strained since the shower ordeal, but still pretty decent. i can still have a friendly 30 minute conversation with her on the phone. i don't want to fight with her - honestly, it's not worth it.

    i bought earrings THAT I LIKE and wore them around her. if she noticed, she said nothing to me. I wear them at least 1 or 2 days a week. I can hardly call that rubbing her nose in anything. Would you say that the matching necklace that Ken bought for me as a gift was purchased as a personal affront to his mom? i wear the necklace almost daily - will wearing it during her visit be offensive?

    I'M NOT BUYING HER THE DAMN DVD - I may joke about it, but i'm not going to do it.
    will inviting her into our home with my lego pirate ships on display be offensive? should i pack them away before she visits? same with my skull and crossbone key chain?

    she sent me a pirate themed card for my birthday this year - passive agressive?
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: s/o family visitors:
    [QUOTE]but i also think it's rude and inconsiderate to leave and be gone all day when you know your ils are back home and would rather be with you.  go to the zoo in the morning and be back in the afternoon and hang out with the ils. some people would rather spend some time resting and relaxing while they're traveling rather than trekking here and there.  one is not better than the other, and if you are going to treat one as "better" than the other, you might as well buy mil "the tooth fairy" dvd and just fully piss them off.
    Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

    Oh no, I wasn't saying that she should leave them all day.

    But I've been in a situation where everyone wanted to go out and do stuff except for, like, 2 people.  Finally, we just said, "this is where we're going and what we're doing and when we expect to be back.  Come, don't come, whatever, but we're going."
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    Zzilla - only BIL will figure things out 2 days prior. MIL and FIL will book with  reasonable notice - at least a month or so. I don't account for BIL at all - if he shows up, he's welcome to join in anything that is planned. He'll likely drive himself and show up late, but he''ll never complain about it. I am trying to get a feel for some potential activities before anyone is in town so we can plan accordingly.

    I asked my mom for some suggestions, and we'll ask ILs when they get back from their vacation - they're somewhere in Cali this week-  maybe San Fran?
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
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    edited December 2011
    But is it the theme, or is it that someone said, "What would you like for this party?" and then just did what she wanted anyway? 

    I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, Barbie, but I don't think pirates are the issue. 
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011

    i don't walk around all "ARRRRR PIRATES!" - but i do have a few pirate accessories, and the couple of lego ships. (i LOVE Legos. DK got me some nanoblocks recently which are basically tiny Legos, and I'm having a blast building stuff.)

    The earrings/necklace are black and white diamond skull and crossbones - i actually get a lot of compliments on them, and they go with practically everything.

  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
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    edited December 2011
    the whole pirate "theme" idea came about when the first of my SILs got KU, (and  the second was KU at the same time) and they had her baby shower. This was a good 2 YEARS before I got KU. It was a running joke, but we thought it would be a lot of fun, and not your standard bears/princesses/trains/duckies/etc..

    think of the games - every time someone says "baby" they have to take a shot of rum.

    one of my SILs bought MIL a pirate ship cake mold in anticipation of making a cake for the shower. MIL is an excellent cake decorator, and it was not beyond her abilities.

    i was excited until she starting getting all of the dolls/frilly sh*t/tooth fairy crap - 1 it didn't make sense to me at all (and the guests didn't get it - if anything it was a "fairy" party) and 2 i'm not a girly-girl. She kept telling me that she was 'going to make a pirate cake, but oh darn, it may not work out so she will have to make a practice cake, but if she doesn't like how it will turn out, then she will be making a doll cake, and btw she already bought all of the supplies for the doll cake' everytime she saw me she would bring this up - i'm talking weekly, if not daily in the time leading up to our move.

    what bothered me was the passive agressiveness /dishonesty - just stop pretending to humor me and tell me that you're going to throw your pretty princess doll party. i was sick of the BS, and finally called her on it. things blew up. somewhere in there i told her that rather than going to all of the trouble of making a doll cake, why not take it easy and buy a cheesecake or two (I even offered to buy them myself) - it's no secret that i don't really LIKE cake, so i likely woulfn't eat it anyways. DK tried to step in as well. and his sisters somehow got involved. (actually, i think he got into it telling his sisters to MYOB, and then tried to reason with his mom) - this was like a year ago, and i really don't remember the details.

    yes, i appreciated the party, and i went to a good bit of expense to attend (we had moved by then, so i had to fly up to PA for it) - it would have been nice of MIL to consider my likes, but she chose not to. it didn't kill our relationship, but we'll never bee all unicorns farting rainbows with each other.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: s/o family visitors:
    [QUOTE]i don't walk around all "ARRRRR PIRATES!" - but i do have a few pirate accessories, and the couple of lego ships. (i LOVE Legos. DK got me some nanoblocks recently which are basically tiny Legos, and I'm having a blast building stuff.) The earrings/necklace are black and white diamond skull and crossbones - i actually get a lot of compliments on them, and they go with practically everything.
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    Don't lie.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Rest in peace my friend.
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
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    edited December 2011
    LOL @ Cali.

    We know you're chomping at the bit to go to the Ren Faire so you can dress up as a pirate.  :p
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