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Officiant and Couples Counseling

vettechgirlvettechgirl member
100 Comments
in Chit Chat
So, I am having my Dad's old church pastor be our officiant for our wedding. However, I didn't know at the time he was asked (actually, my dad asked him for me) that he required couple's counseling. My fiance and I have already been to counseling about 2 years ago. We had a few issues to work out, and now things are GREAT! We learned to communicate so much better, and only get into a spat MAYBE once evert 2-3 months.

Anyhoo...I don't really think my fiance and I need counseling, but would be willing to humor it if he wasn't so far away. It's about a 45 minute drive one way. We have really old cars and they chug the gas. Also, we are not Christian, but my dad has been forcing down our throats going to church. He won't doesn't care that we are fine with not going. To him, it's part of being Christian, and if you don't go to church, you're not Christian. I don't need to hear that from another person on top of it all.

I would feel guilty finding another officiant now that P-Dog (his nickname) has been asked. He's one of my dad's Christian Mototcycle group buddies as well. Any suggestions?
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Re: Officiant and Couples Counseling

  • LesPaulLesPaul member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Could you possibly attend one session and explain what you just said here?  That you have been through counseling together, and because of that x, y, and z all improved, etc. etc.  We were married by a pastor who asked for three meetings, which was fine with us.  It wasn't formal 'counseling' - more like getting to know us better and see how we function as a couple.  It wasn't awful or uncomfortable at all.
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  • 526SadieSadie526SadieSadie
    1000 Comments
    Just go to the damn counselling.  Seriously.  No relationship is so fantastic that it couldn't use a little boost in the communication department.  In the event that you two are completely in sync with each other, the officiant will see it and might say you didn't need to go back. 
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  • karmellahkarmellah
    500 Comments
    its required at my church reguardless of if youve done it in the past.
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  • AmandalovesAlAmandalovesAl member
    1000 Comments
    My church requires it.  You have to go with the church's rules or don't get married there.  That is just how it works.  I would go once, explain your feelings, see what he says.  If he insists you go and you insist that you can't, then you can all come to the agreement that you have to find another officiant and it won't hurt his feelings.
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  • trix1223trix1223 member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I'm more concerned that your dad is makig the kinds of decisions he's making.

    If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to say to your dad, "Look, dad, FI and I are not Christians, and we feel that it's disrespectful to have a Christian wedding when it doesn't reflect who we are and what our belief system is.  We're not going to have a Christian wedding.  I'm sorry if that disappoints you, but we hope you will come to understand and still support us."

    Didn't you earlier say that you and your FI were pagans?

    Because this isn't going to go away with your wedding.  The question of religion is going to come up again if the time comes that you have children.

    Be a grown-up.  Stop having your daddy make these big decisions for you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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  • jenn.danieljenn.daniel
    2500 Comments
    45 minutes each way isn't horrible.  Our church requires 3 counseling sessions, and we live 4 hours away.  We're going to do it because getting married in the church is important to us.  If getting married by this pastor is important to you, find a way to do the counseling.  

    Going to church is not something you do because daddy told you to.  When you're 6, yes, but when you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to decide for yourself whether or not you attend.  Unless you live in his house, and it doesn't sound like you do.  (IMO if you stay under someone's roof, you live by their rules)   
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  • vettechgirlvettechgirl member
    100 Comments
    My mom's side of the family already isn't coming to my wedding. I don't want my dad's side of the family not to come because they find out we're not Christian and don't want to come to church. I'm just trying to find a way to 'settle' without hurting feelings, or wasting time/money.

    I do plan on talking to him about how we've already had counseling. Sounds like most of your officiants were pretty open minded, and I hope P-Dog is too.
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  • alecat9alecat9
    500 Comments
    I was able to do counseling locally at the church we plan to join with the pastor there, instead of with my childhood pastor who will be marrying us (we are getting married in my hometown 2.5 hours away). She simply emailed my pastor to let him know that we had completed our premarital counseling and we were good to go. This was actually my childhood pastor's idea as he felt it was good to develop a rapport at the church you would attend.
    I agree with the PP, either drive the 45 min each way and make your dad happy or stand up for yourself and have a heart to heart with your dad about your religious views.
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  • ARod22ARod22
    100 Comments
    My FI and I get along awesome, but since marriage is a totally new frontier for the two of us, we are taking my parents' suggestion and going through premarital counseling.  You do not  need to have problems to go through counseling.  Think of it as a prep course for a new experience that you have a lot to learn about.
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  • vettechgirlvettechgirl member
    100 Comments
    My fiance and I have been living together with joint bank accounts and everything for 4 years. I think we pretty much know everything about each other we're ever going to learn. There won't be any 'new marital shock' for us!

    I do appreciate everyone' suggestions, though. Thank you.
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  • miah_23_ncbmiah_23_ncb member
    100 Comments
    It sounds like you really dont have choice. If the pastor recquires you can agree and appease the pastor or find a diffrent place to get married. or you could talk to the pastor and ask him to do like a refersher since you guys have already been in couples counseling once.
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  • vettechgirlvettechgirl member
    100 Comments
    I'm not getting married at that pastor's church. I'm not getting married in a church at all. I'm having an outdoor wedding at 1 of 4 venues which I haven't decided upon yet.

    I do think simply talking to P-Dog will be the easiest thing to do, and hope he doesn't make us go through a long list of requirements, just simple counseling.
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  • skytheskythe
    10 Comments
    If you're worried about the drive, try doing counseling via Skype, if your officiant is up for it. FI and I did that (we're in one state, officiant is in another) and it actually worked really well. 
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  • vettechgirlvettechgirl member
    100 Comments
    Skpe is actually a very good suggestion! Not sure if P-Dog is up to date on his technology, but we could try to make it work. I like that idea!
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  • MidgetthMidgetth member
    100 Comments
    edited June 2010
    List my FI & I are not big religious people. My dad is. We are not gettinig married at a church either. His Pastor is marrying us. We are required to attend the counseling The chruch is also about 45 minutes away from us but we do it once a month for 4 months. Like my mom told me "Why are you having a pastor marry you if you arent going to be involved in anything with him? Alot fo people do this never go to chruch & just use the pastors services. Now Pastors require this so they get something out of it too." I hate to say it but it's very true. MY FI & I thought we were a great couple but at our classes we pray once just talk about a 10 minute movie we watched & then just talk about the wedding. Pastor Matt isn't very forceful with GOD & maybe you are jumping to conclusions without even talking with your pastor first. And he probably will NOT marry you if you do NOT do his classes. Like other pp said it doesn't hurt to have more counseling for you two. My FI & I have learned alot more about each other than we would never have thought of us each other these questions. It's been  a great experience & we are becoming more Christian beacuse of it too
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  • kdwhitleykdwhitley member
    10 Comments
    We did counseling for our wedding. I would explain what you said to him that you already have maybe bring a letter from the counselor your attended so he doesnt think you lying. BUT I would suggest doing counseling. a whole world of different stress comes on with a wedding that some pastors are better prepared for. They focus on things such as future children, finances, and things that you might not have considered. We worked tthrough a booklet with ours. even if you live together life changes a little after the wedding. That is what they help prepare you for. not really the major issues you have now more the issues you could have after the "honeymoon" is over.
    "To my Husband: I pray that you never have to steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal I pray you steal away my sorrows, if you must lie I pray you lie with me all the days of my life, and if you must cheat I pray you cheat death so I never have to live a day without you" -Irish Wedding Toast Wedding Countdown Ticker
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