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No Card/Gift from MOH?

mbeunit4mbeunit4
in Registry and Gift Forum

I need to vent and realize I may seem selfsh/greedy throughout this post... I apologize! We got married this past weekend and everything went well. We paid for most of the wedding ourselves and it was held at Smith and Wollensky's, a steak house. My MOH and best friend since I was 7 did not get me a card and I am deeply hurt. I totally get that she was busy helping, she went in on a bridal shower present (my mom paid for the shower), paid for the bachelorette party etc. I honestly found that the guests that were the least financially stable were much more generous. Part of the reason I feel slightly upset over this is that she is constantly bragging about how much better she does financially than her friends. She has no large bills and paid off her rent for the summer. I don't even care about the fact that she did not get us a gift- it is more so the fact that she did not even bother to purchase or write a card.. and I know she isn't following the 1 year rule because she said the day after the wedding, "do you mind if I didn't get you a card?".. Of course I played it off like I wasn't hurt. WWYD.. thoughts?

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Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?

  • matt&britmatt&brit member
    First Comment
    My best friend didnt get me a card or gift either for my shower so we will see if she gets something for the wedding. Yes mine paid for her dress and helped with my shower which was maybe 10 bucks because she put it off on another BM. I think I am hurt the most because she didnt get me a gift for my housewarming party when a week before it was her housewarming and i brought her a gift. I know it sounds selfish of us, but when it happens to you, they would better understand!
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  • casymecasyme member
    First Comment
    What on earth are you upset about?  I re-read your post three times to see what I was missing.  Your maid of honor bought you a present at your shower, threw you a bachelorette party at her expense, and probably paid a great deal more for her outfit, travel, etc., all to help you celebrate your wedding.  And because she didn't ALSO spring $2.99 at Hallmark to buy you a card to express, YET AGAIN, her happiness for you and your marriage, nor did she throw more cash in your direction, you're UPSET?  And to make matters worse, you go on this website to talk trash about her? 

    You need a wake-up call.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its

    I can understand no gift, but to me, no card is unacceptable.  You can get one for a couple bucks and write something nice in it that is just as meaningful as a physical gift. 

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  • redjellybean128redjellybean128 member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    Honestly, I think you have every reason to be upset and it's not even about the gift.  Even if she isn't as financially well-off as she would like everyone to believe, there is no reason why she couldn't have at least given you a card with a heart felt message. I was in my best friends wedding a couple years ago and not in the best financial shape. I still managed to pull together the money for the dress and hair and nails and my portion of the shower and shower gift. I was also going through a major health issue at the time and medical bills were piling up. She understood that I couldn't be as generous with the gift as I would have been now that things are better, but I gave her a really nice card and a small crystal vase that I found at homegoods for under $20 that I knew she would love just as a small sentiment. 

    That being said, if you truly value the friendship, then I probably wouldn't say anything and let it go, but I would think twice about being overly generous when it's her turn for a gift. 


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  • tkdddddddddtkddddddddd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:a3738e09-c700-4219-bfaf-92da96496236">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]What on earth are you upset about?  I re-read your post three times to see what I was missing.  Your maid of honor bought you a present at your shower, threw you a bachelorette party at her expense, and probably paid a great deal more for her outfit, travel, etc., all to help you celebrate your wedding.  And because she didn't ALSO spring $2.99 at Hallmark to buy you a card to express, YET AGAIN, her happiness for you and your marriage, nor did she throw more cash in your direction, you're UPSET?  And to make matters worse, you go on this website to talk trash about her?  You need a wake-up call.
    Posted by casyme[/QUOTE]



    Yeah, I was going to say that but nicer. It's just a card. If you can get one for $2 as an afterthought since they're so easy....why do you WANT a afterthought gift or. Are just BECAUSE?
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  • egm900egm900 member
    First Comment
    Some people are not big card people, I really only get them as a holder for cash or a check and I throw them away right after a party.  I would cut her some slack, I think you're making way too big of a deal about this.
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  • JoanE2012JoanE2012 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:3b0ad4bb-2314-4be2-97e8-6dbd49517d90">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Card/Gift from MOH? : Really? Like egm said, some people don't do cards.  I kept some from the wedding but in general, they're extra paper and I hate having something around if I don't need it.
    Posted by edielaura[/QUOTE]

    I guess I was brought up on the notion that you bring a card and write a line or two of good wishes to the guest to whatever event you go to, be it a wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.  I would feel funny attending an event and not, at the very minimum, bringing a card.  Not being a card person just sounds lazy.   But maybe that's just me. 
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  • tkdddddddddtkddddddddd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:43f3d77d-8090-4dd7-acd5-81bdf16ed831">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: No Card/Gift from MOH? : I guess I was brought up on the notion that you bring a card and write a line or two of good wishes to the guest to whatever event you go to, be it a wedding, birthday, graduation, etc.  I would feel funny attending an event and not, at the very minimum, bringing a card.  Not being a card person just sounds lazy.   But maybe that's just me. 
    Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]



    See, I was brought up where you didn't have to put on a show for family/close friends because they are family/close friends. I'd feel a bit weird at a wedding without a card too. Ut can totally see that - as MOH - there ae about 1,000 other things going on...not like you are just showing up for the meal only.
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  • aragx6aragx6 member
    5 Love Its Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited May 2012

    Not getting a card is supposedly lazy, but she gets no credit for planning two different wedding-related events for you? Let it go.

    Edit: It sounds like you have bigger issues with this friend than a card. A wedding won't fix your relationship -- if you thought she was obnoxious about money before the wedding I'm honestly not sure why you expected anything different.

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  • ElisabethJoanneElisabethJoanne member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    edited May 2012
    My fiance's family are card people. Birthdays, Mothers' Day, Christmas/Chanukah - They give and receive cards, and the cards have to be special. Thank you cards must say "Thank you" in English, on the front, no matter how many times your hand-written note says "thank you."

    My family are gifts people. We hardly ever buy cards. We'll use the ones charities send to enclose checks or basically as gift tags for birthday parties and showers, but I haven't bought a Mother's Day card since elementary school. We have no "at least a card" events. We can either get by with an e-mail, or we give a gift.

    Neither is "good" or "bad." Even money-wise, each approach has its positives and negatives. Gifts cost more, but we have fewer gift-giving occasions than they have card-giving occasions.

    As my maid-of-honor is my sister, if she asked about a card, or gave me a card. It'd be weird. We give gifts. Also, she'll be unemployed around my wedding, and she's very young. Even a gift from her will be a pleasant surprise.
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  • jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    Like PP said, some people just aren't card people (and it's not 'just lazy' as JoanE said).  Personally, I think cards are pointless unless you are including money, or weren't able to attend or something.  Heck, I don't think a single person in our WP gave us a card (and only one even gave a gift), I didn't think twice about it.  You know why?  Because they'd already spent time and money to be in our wedding, they spent time and money to make sure we had a fun bachelor/ette party, etc..so I know they are happy for us and wish us well...I certainly didn't need an extra card to tell me so.

    It's okay to feel disappointed if you don't have the same blase reaction to cards as I do (and no one can tell you that your feelings are wrong), but you can't act on it.  Don't hold a grudge, don't ask her about it, don't bring it up...just feel your disappointment for a minute (which is really all 'not getting a card' deserves), and let it go.
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  • MobKazMobKaz member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    Thoughts...........

    Your friend had no time to purchase a card, because "she was busy helping".  Your friend was also using her time helping organize a shower and bachelorette party.  Your friend purchased gifts for you, and spent money on your behalf for the bachelorette party.  I would assume she incurred costs for the wedding itself, as well. 

    Your response to, "Do you mind if I didn't get you a card"? should have been...........
    "Not at all, because your actions, generosity of time, and support, have spoken more to me than any words on a card could say.   But thank you yet again for thinking of my feelings by even asking such a question." 

    Cliched but true.....actions here spoke louder than words.
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  • tkdddddddddtkddddddddd
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:c666d6b6-459f-4758-993a-21074cf0b810">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thoughts........... Your friend had no time to purchase a card, because "she was busy helping" .  Your friend was also using her time helping organize a shower and bachelorette party.  Your friend purchased gifts for you, and spent money on your behalf for the bachelorette party.  I would assume she incurred costs for the wedding itself, as well.  Your response to, "Do you mind if I didn't get you a card"? should have been........... "Not at all, because your actions, generosity of time, and support, have spoken more to me than any words on a card could say.   But thank you yet again for thinking of my feelings by even asking such a question."  Cliched but true.....actions here spoke louder than words.
    Posted by mobkaz[/QUOTE]



    THIS
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  • BeachLover2885BeachLover2885 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:31ace2f3-930a-4541-9cae-40303e2fd6e6">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honestly, I think you have every reason to be upset and it's not even about the gift.  Even if she isn't as financially well-off as she would like everyone to believe, there is no reason why she couldn't have at least given you a card with a heart felt message. I was in my best friends wedding a couple years ago and not in the best financial shape. I still managed to pull together the money for the dress and hair and nails and my portion of the shower and shower gift. I was also going through a major health issue at the time and medical bills were piling up. She understood that I couldn't be as generous with the gift as I would have been now that things are better, but I gave her a really nice card and a small crystal vase that I found at homegoods for under $20 that I knew she would love just as a small sentiment.  That being said, if you truly value the friendship, then I probably wouldn't say anything and let it go, but I would think twice about being overly generous when it's her turn for a gift. 
    Posted by redjellybean128[/QUOTE]

    <div>I agree with this completely.  You have every right to be upset.  I think it's rude to show up to a wedding empty handed.  It was very sweet of her to pay for your b party and shower, but those are separate events from the wedding and she's the MOH. The least she could have done is give you a card.  I think if you still want to be friends with her, you just need to let it go. It just sucks when people you are close with disappoint you. </div>
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  • Ali092011Ali092011 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment
    I guess I just don't see the big difference between a card and no card. Some people get stumped when it comes to writing in cards and don't know how to express their happiness for the couple. I'm one of those people, so I usually just write "Congratulations! Love, Ali" or something to that effect. Granted, there's usually a check or cash in my cards, but you said you weren't upset about the lack of a gift. So if you got a Hallmark greeting card from her with a pretty drawing of a couple or a dove or a cake on it that just said, "Congratulations! Love, MOH" that would make everything better? She could have put zero thought into the card and picked it up five minutes before the wedding because it was the cheapest one they had and scribbled her name on it, and then you wouldn't be upset?

    I mean, I was raised to never go anywhere empty-handed, and I have always given a card, even for a friend's wedding when I had no money for a gift. But not everyone does that.
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  • mcskatcatmcskatcat member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    Actions speak louder than words, sweetie.  She did a million nice things for you, and you're upset she didn't take a moment to write it out? 
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  • mbrischouxmbrischoux member
    First Comment
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_no-cardgift-from-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:a5dbb2b7-0e60-43cd-aacf-f5b02800d862Post:dc2332d8-89be-401b-b934-d97f2c1e4fd0">Re: No Card/Gift from MOH?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I can understand no gift, but to me, no card is unacceptable.  You can get one for a couple bucks and write something nice in it that is just as meaningful as a physical gift. 
    Posted by JoanE2012[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, I had 2 lifelong friends (who are sisters) do this, too.  The price of a card split 2 ways is nominal.  And a heartfelt note of congratulations would have really meant something to me.

    I get that your friend constantly brags about how much better she is financially than her friends, but even at that, you can't expect her (or anyone) to gift according to their salaries.  It's more of a shame on her for wagging her paycheck in people's faces.

    As far as I'm concerned, the bridal party shells out a lot for the bride and shouldn't feel "obligatged" to give a gift.  If they do, that's wonderful, but after spending money on dresses, accessories, bachellorettes, and showers, I would certainly never expect a physical gift.
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