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KCLH07 · February 2013

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NYCMercedes · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-help-on-how-to-handle-a-disappointing-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:37f96cee-2c40-46ca-b85d-a683551f9789Post:39f0de82-9726-4aa1-a7b2-9f91c76b50a2">Need help on how to handle a disappointing Maid of Honor</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my best friend to be my maid of honor, we have known each other since kindergarten and she is the closest thing to a sister I will ever have. I live in FL, she lives in OH and the events are being held in FL, so I knew this was going to be difficult for her from the begining but she gladly accepted the MOH role. My wedding is 3/9/13 and I asked her in March of 2012 to be my MOH so she knew approximately a year in advance to have time to plan. She does have 2 young girls and is in the process of going through a divorce so I understand things are tough right now but she never once said to me that she couldn't handle the responsibilities. It appeared that she wanted nothing to do with planning the bridal shower/bachelorette party and thankfully one of my other bridesmaids who does live in FL kept asking the MOH about this and gave her ideas since she wasn't as familiar with venues or things to do in FL. My MOH agreed with her ideas and the decided on a date which happens to be this Saturday 2/16/13. They also decided that since a lot of my friends have children and my MOH was out of state that the bridal shower and bachelorette party both be held the same weekend. They have kept all of this a secret from me other than the date. They wanted this to be a surprise. Well last Thursday I was notified by text that my MOH would not be attending this weekend's festivities. Things have "changed" since last March and she can't trust leaving her girls with their father for the weekend since he is not a good father (even though he currently keeps them every other weekend and is watching them the entire week in March that she will be in FL for my wedding). She is still going to pay her part for the bridal shower/bachelorette party though. I am beyond furious. I couldn't talk to her once I read her text message b/c of how angry I was. 3 days later she sends me another text asking if I'm angry with her - obviously my response was yes. I understand that she is going through a rough time, but she helped plan the dates for this but bails on me in the last week leaving one of my bridesmaids to handle everything. I called her to tell her yesterday to tell her how I felt, I was not yelling, I did not raise my voice in any way but explained that I was hurt, disappointed, upset, agry ect. I felt like I was being given excuses that didn't quite make sense b/c her ex husband has the girls all the time so to take them this weekend shoudln't be a big deal. If she doesn't trust him to watch them then why is he keeping them for a full week over the wedding and still every other weekend after that? I explained that I felt that there was more to the reason and she wasn't being honest with me but she stuck with her story. I knew that there was no changing her mind but I at least wanted her to know how I felt. Toward the end of the conversation she stated that she understands that I'm disappointed but doesn't get why I'm mad/angry. I tried to explain to her that this is my wedding.....a once in a lifetime event that I wanted to share with all my close friends and family and that I wnated the whole wedding experience which includes everything associated with getting married....ie bridal showers and bachelorette party but the only thing that she would let me get out of my mouth was "This is my wedding....." she cut me off and didn't let me finish and started getting testy with me and when she interrupted me she spouted off with "It's not your wedding, this is your bachelorette party we are talking about...they are 2 different things. You are still having your party, I'm still paying my share and I'm not ruining your wedding". I was appalled. Everything I tried to tell her went straight over her head. It's like she wasn't even listening to anything that I said. Becuase I did not want to say something I might regret, I excused myself from the conversation and explained we would have to talk about this some other time and I hung up. I have no clue what to do. We are 1 month away from the wedding. What in the world should I do about this? According to her it's not a big deal and I'm still having the party (which as a reminder if it wasn't for my other bridesmaid I can't say for sure I even would have had one). I'm so hurt and angry. I would love to relieve her of her MOH title since she has basically done nothing as a MOH but I'm worried that she may completely bail on the wedding? I just dont think it's fair that she gets the title yet someone else did all the work. I also am not sure what else to say to her. I have known her my whole life and I dont want to fight with her but I'm afraid that the way things are right now every time I think back to my wedding I'm always going to remember how bad of MOH I had and how disappointed I was. THis was definitely not how I was envisioning things taking place. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Posted by KCLH07[/QUOTE]

kmmssg · February 2013

You have no clue what to do? Here it is: get on the phone, fall all over yourself apologizing for being such an insensitive bride and hope she forgives you.

She has kids and is going through a divorce. Ever been through that?

AddieCake · February 2013

Kick her out and let me be your MOH. I promise not to let pesky things like my children or my broken marriage interfere with my duties for your big day. Good call on quoting, by the way, Mercedes!

SlothGoals · February 2013

I'm calling toll/MUD.

OP, you've been a terrible, terrible friend here. Your MOH is going through MAJOR life changes with two little girls and you're mad that she "gets the title but did none of the work". Guess what? Bachelorette parties and bridal showers are optional GIFTS given to the bride usually from her BP. There are many women around here who had neither of these things and their marriages were perfectly valid.

The people in your BP should be there becuse they're your nearest and dearest, not who you think would do the most work. Like kmmssg said you need to get on the phone ASAP and apologize profusely for being an awful friend. If you ask her to "step down" or take away the MOH title be prepared because that is a friendship-ending move.

MairePoppy · February 2013

Ditto kmmssg!

1. Showers and bps are gifts not entitlements. No one, not even your MOH, was obligated to throw parties for you.

2. Your friend is going through a miserable time. She doesn't want to leave the kids with her estranged husband and head out of state. When they are with him, she still wants to be close by, just in case. Who are you to challenge this? If you ask a good mother to choose between you and her kids, she's going to pick the kids every single time.

3. In spite of all her problems, she is still paying for part of your parties. You should be thanking her, not bit ching because she can't attend the parties.

4. Call your friend and tell her you don't know what you were thinking. Plead for forgiveness. Ask her if she and her kids need anything. Friendship goes both ways, you know.

Thanks Mercedes.

girl4182 · February 2013

It sounds like your friend is having a really rough go of things but despite all of her personal problems is still doing what she can for you. I'm sure all of the planning is taking over your life right now and has you stressed out. Unfortunetely as big of a deal all of this is to you (and it should be) It's not really a big deal to anyone else. I'm sure they may be excited and looking forward to your big day bit it is just that, YOUR big day.

Try to step out of your bride shoes for a minutes and into your best friend shoes. Your best friend lives out of state is going through a messy divorce and is trying to take care of two little girls. That's a lot for more person to deal with and then add all of the other things that go on in life to that. It sounds like she could really use a friend right now. Do you have the means to take some time to visit her and the girls?

This may not be what you want to hear right now but she is right. This isn't you're wedding, it's a shower and a bachelorette party. It's great that you have people willing to organize and throw you these parties, but to not have one at all isn't the end of the world. As much as you want her there, and no one blames you for wanting her there, her kids trump your parties.

As your maid of honour her responsibilities are to buy the dress, be present for the wedding, hold your bouquet and smile for your pictures. Anything else is going above and beyond. It sounds like she's trying her hardest to go above and beyond.

You have the right to be upset that she can't make it. You have the right to wish the circumstances were different but you don't have the right to blame her for the situation she is in. It sounds like you got caught up in the moment. I would call her back, apologize and admit to being in the wrong. Sometimes weddings bring out the worst in us. Demoting her would be a bad idea and a friendship ending move.

Best of Luck

beardownbchs · February 2013

If you look back on your wedding and all you can remember is that your friend did not attend your bridal shower, you seriously need to look at your priorities. Grow the bleep up.

GoodLuckBear14 · February 2013

Good Lord. Does you husband know what kind of crazy he is marrying?!?!?!?? If he doesn't you may find out exactly what your friend is going through with her divorce.

SlothGoals · February 2013

OP, DDing your post is in bad taste, but based on what you wrote it's in line with your character. You were already quoted and renaming the post to "xyz" will only bring more people in to comment.

jennyd412 · February 2013

OP get over yourself. A person's children are top priority. My sister had to miss my cousin's WEDDING at the last minute because her son had RSV and she didn't want to travel to Virginia and leave him behind with her husband, wh is a perfectly capable father. She was disappointed to miss out and apologized to my cousin, who simply said "I hope your son is okay" You need a reality check...

Peledreamsofrain · February 2013

Aw man, someone put the safety of children over your drunken night of pretending to be single? What. A. b!tch. You should kick her out of your party and never darken her doorste.... Uh, I mean, let her harsh your awesome buzz again. Because screw kids. Amiright?

ladytori · February 2013

Why did you DD your post? You have been quoted!

OliveOilsMom · February 2013

I'm starting a slow clap for your MOH. She put an entitled and spoiled bride in her place! Your MOH is right, these are just parties! She will still be present for your wedding, which should be the most important part to you! You are being a very poopy friend to someone who is going through a divorce with 2 kids. I hope you are never in the same situation as you put your friend in.

missfrodo · February 2013

I'm only responding because I was attracted to the DD. On the offchance this isn't MUD, your MOH sounds like an amazing woman and I would love to shake her hand.

KatWAG · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_need-help-on-how-to-handle-a-disappointing-maid-of-honor?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:37f96cee-2c40-46ca-b85d-a683551f9789Post:5a361690-a712-41ca-b108-68a05c555117">Re: xyz</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm only responding because I was attracted to the DD. On the offchance this isn't MUD, your MOH sounds like an amazing woman and I would love to shake her hand.
Posted by missfrodo[/QUOTE]

Ditto. And OP, you should be appalled, with yourself. I hope you re read your post with fresh eyes and go crawling back to your friend begging for forgiveness.

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