S/O "Family"

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

The post below got me thinking.

How far does biology go for equaling family? Someone in the below thread said, more or less, "Whether or not she raised him does not change the fact that she is his bio-mom and has a place in his life".

Posters get told all the time that it's ok to invite in circles and it's not necessary to invite blood relatives that you don't know well or at all.

Is there a point re: certain family members that regardless of relationship, because they are blood related they should be invited?

Sorry this is vague, but I'm trying to be discreet.

baystateapple · August 2012

I don't think that anyone is "entitled" to be at the wedding. If the B&G want them there, then they should be there, regardless of blood tie. A biological parent does not need to be invited just because s/he is responsible for the birth of the child. But if the B or G wants his or her biological parent there, I think that supercedes everyone else's ideas of "but s/he doesn't need to be there/isn't a part of this family/doesn't count." KWIM?

MyUserName1 · August 2012

blood does not = a relationship. If he wants his biological mother in his life, then that's what matters. My biological family has no place in my life.

StephBeanWed61502 · August 2012

I don't think you have to invite anyone you don't want to have at your wedding, regardless of the closeness of the particular blood-tie at issue, but that doesn't mean the blood-related person isn't your family - they're just family you either don't care for or don't know well enough to want to host at your wedding.

I have family that I've been estranged from for the majority of my adult live (aunts, uncles, and cousins). They are absolutely terrible people and I'm well rid of them (and they are clearly not invited to my wedding), but from a pure language perspective, they are still my family, not my "family," you know?

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

Thank you both. You have eased my mind some of the situation I am dealing with.

wrigleyville · August 2012

I said that (the bit you quoted) because I got the impression that the OP's FI interacted with his bio-mom on a regular basis and wanted to invite her. Plus, the OP made it sound like she wasn't important, even though the FI probably thought she was.

As far as "obligatory" relatives, that would be our parents and siblings. That's our choice, though. I'm sure it differs for every family. Some people have strained relationships and choose not to invite a parent or sibling. That's up to the couple.

Girlie1030 · August 2012

My BF's step-dad (growing up, he's since adopted her) was more of a "father" to her than her bio-dad ever was. H's aunts were more mothers to him than his bio-mom was. Blood ties are not unbreakable and "family" can be defined by so much more than blood.

If someone does not want to invite a blood relative, they shouldn't have to.

jemmini6 · August 2012

Blood /=/ family, nor does family /=/ blood. It's a very personal thing that's really depends on each individual relationship.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

KJ, If you want to talk about anything privately, feel free to PM me. I'm adopted, and don't have a fucck to give about my biological family, so I'm pretty understanding about anything regarding blood being thicker than water and that nonsense.

You can choose your family and your family can choose you. You're not stuck with someone just because you share blood.

ErinG93 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:6882d201-2a5c-46b6-ba65-0b4cec97c0ed">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]KJ, If you want to talk about anything privately, feel free to PM me. I'm adopted, and don't have a fucck to give about my biological family, so I'm pretty understanding about anything regarding blood being thicker than water and that nonsense. You can choose your family and your family can choose you. You're not stuck with someone just because you share blood.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm just nodding my head here. </div><div>
</div>

pokepoke27 · August 2012

Just because they're family does not mean you need to invite them to the wedding. I felt obligated to invite some people because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. But the fact that I cared enough about not hurting their feelings to invite them means that they should be invited, KWIM?

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

Who says TK doesn't validate?

Thank you to all of you. As confident in the decision I made as I was, something happened that made me question it. I now realize I had no reason to; and I made the right decision for me, my FI and my wedding.

specialk84 · August 2012

My MIL is a terrible person, as you may have realized from my other posts. She and H have a very strained relationship, and he was debating whether to invite her at all. His aunt has filled the motherly role in his life, and he wanted her treated as such.

While H has twelve siblings, he only invited the four he grew up with (his mom's children). He did not invite his father's children or anyone from that side. Even if his father was still alive, H would not have invited him to the wedding. In fact, he wouldn't have even told him about it.

My mother is estranged from her entire family. She insisted we not invite any of them. She preferred instead to invite her friends in place of her family.

In other words, family is what you make of it. If you don't have a relationship, there's no rule saying you MUST invite a relative. However, H would have had to deal with a huge fallout had he not invited his mother, so he chose to save himself the headache.

It's your choice, and no one else can make it for you.

MyUserName1 · August 2012

Glad you feel better about your decision KJ.

And TK is awesome at validating good decisions.

wrigleyville · August 2012

I'm really sorry if you took my statement the wrong way.

I didn't mean to cause any confusion. I was addressing the OP in that thread in relation to her FI. I didn't mean everyone should have to invite their biological parents/siblings/etc.

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

Wrigely - Not at all - I knew you were "speaking" directly to the OP. It got me thinking is all.

ElleB87 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:59edc4d7-c63c-4794-8b6a-940e2c6611b7">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]blood does not = a relationship. If he wants his biological mother in his life, then that's what matters. My biological family has no place in my life.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

UserName basically took the words right out of my mouth.

The quote that OP mentioned is basically a slap in the face to anyone who has been adopted. The bond between two people is what makes a relationship - not chromosomes.

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

ElleB - for the record that quote was from a different thread. In context of that thread, it is not a slap in the face.

I quoted it only because it got me thinking about my own situation.

ElleB87 · August 2012

Wrigley - just so you know, in my above reply I wasn't directing any snarkiness at you at all. I do get where you were coming from in the previous thread. I'm not in contact with my bio family and I've had people make comments about how "you should never abandon your family, no matter what...blah blah blah" and it kind of hits a nerve personally when people say things like "since you're related they should be a part of your life/your wedding/whatever important thing". Just want you to know...

ElleB87 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:ed01078f-73bf-45eb-9ffa-bb70998b3440">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]ElleB - for the record that quote was from a different thread. In context of that thread, it is not a slap in the face. I quoted it only because it got me thinking about my own situation.
Posted by kjhowd[/QUOTE]

Yeah I know. I was just saying - in general - that comments like that can be very insensitive (based on my own situation)

MrsMack10612 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:536e0e8d-a950-498e-a15d-c2f1445bb57f">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O "Family" : Yeah I know. I was just saying - in general - that comments like that can be very insensitive (based on my own situation)
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]

<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

And in the post above you basically said what I'm feeling.

wrigleyville · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:e9abf2d8-8216-482b-8dd5-5908d4627438">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]Wrigley - just so you know, in my above reply I wasn't directing any snarkiness at you at all. I do get where you were coming from in the previous thread. I'm not in contact with my bio family and I've had people make comments about how "you should never abandon your family, no matter what...blah blah blah" and it kind of hits a nerve personally when people say things like "since you're related they should be a part of your life/your wedding/whatever important thing". Just want you to know...
Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]
Nope. I totally get it. I was adopted when I was a baby, and it pisses me off when people refer to my bio-mom as my "real mom". I always want to punch them. My FI was close to his bio-mom before she died, but I haven't been in contact with mine since I was 23. She's not a bad person; I simply don't feel close to her.<div>
</div><div>I definitely wouldn't say what I said for every situation. It really was just for that particular thread.</div>

MyUserName1 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:91392cdc-6af7-4625-88ff-a6a6a68e7b39">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O "Family" : Nope. I totally get it. I was adopted when I was a baby, and<strong> it pisses me off when people refer to my bio-mom as my "real mom"</strong>. I always want to punch them. My FI was close to his bio-mom before she died, but I haven't been in contact with mine since I was 23. She's not a bad person; I simply don't feel close to her. I definitely wouldn't say what I said for every situation. It really was just for that particular thread.
Posted by wrigleyville[/QUOTE]

Yeah, fucck that noise. My real mom is the one who raised me, not the woman who birthed me. I mean, I'm sure she's a nice person or whatever, but she's not my real mom.

BostonGIrl4732 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_so-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:84781332-67ae-424e-beb5-9d4992c1a5e8Post:9103d57e-42ee-4926-ba55-0f8d9353f5d5">Re: S/O "Family"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: S/O "Family" : Yeah, fucck that noise. My real mom is the one who raised me, not the woman who birthed me. I mean, I'm sure she's a nice person or whatever, but she's not my real mom.
Posted by MyUserName1[/QUOTE]

<div>Another adopted person here. I agree 100% with the above as in my biological mother is a great person, but not my "mom". My issue is that I'm somewhat close to my biological siblings (who were not adopted) and I'd like to invite them. But my adoptive family is not so open to that idea... Talk about a monkey wrench!</div><div>
</div><div>Family is who you make it. For me its a mix of both. For some it's biology for others its not.</div>

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