Guest List Help

heavendelivered · August 2012

Ok, So my guest list is made and my options are:

Bride Side:
Remove all kids from the list total 4 (these are my siblings kids under 13)
Vs. In order to invite:
Long time friend (Brother's ex??) with her plus one which is an older nephew 21)
Plus, Older Sibling with his partner excluding their kid (This sibling is known to be a mouthful at times and troublesome although I do wish to have him at event and not leave him out but worry about his hot head temper making a mess -does not have boundaries)

Groom Side:
Out of Towner: to remove 3 kids, do have a sitter available for them but not sure if it's fair for my side to see kids on groom side, if decide no kids on bride side ? At the same time traveling a long distance to celebrate with us..

Also, venue is brunch 4.5 hours at 78 a person and on budget if that weights on consideration..

Thanks for you help in helping with these choices...

Meegles4 · August 2012

What does your FI think about the OOT kids on his side and whether to invite them or not?

I would hesitate to remove the kids on your side because they are your nieces and nephews. IMO, those are immediate family and not just random kids. However, only you can decide if you'd rather have your long time friend there or your niece/nephews.

Unless your older sibling is a threat to you/your family/himself, I'd make an effort to invite him/her. I might invite him/her AND the nieces and nephews and cut somewhere else if you're limited to a certain # of guests.

But, really only you can make the call on how much you value each of these groups and which you want more. There's no etiquette that says you have to have siblings there or you have to include kids. It's all your personal preference.

utterrandomness · August 2012

As far as I can tell, she's made her guest list and has some decisions to make. This is my interpretation only.

If she decides not to invite kids (who are either her siblings or her siblings' kids), she can invite her long time friend (who used to date her brother, and is now dating her nephew?) and her? older sibling and his wife. The sibling is a handful and a troublemaker, and she's worried about his behaviour, but would like to have him there.

On her fiance's side, there is a couple coming from out of town with three kids. She wants to know if she should get a sitter for those kids and wants to know if that would be fair to her side of the family. She's weighing the question of whether to allow kids on his side, but not on hers.

Another factor to take into account would be the price per head: $78. They're on a budget.

andra loves andre · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:bb6b7b58-aa4b-4671-a9d6-1fe1e971979f">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Can anyone follow this? Because I'm totally lost.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

<div>I think she's trying to ask who she should cut from the guest list according to the different sides of the families, but I'm not sure. Is that what you're asking, OP?</div><div>
</div><div>If it is, and I haven't read it incorrectly, I would likely cut the children. The children under 13 may not even really remember the wedding or have a great time like an adult would. BUT, if the children are of close family members or close friends and the adults you'd be replacing them with are distant, I'd probably keep the kids in that place. Of course, whatever you do, makes sure that your fh feels the same way and is content with the decision.</div><div>
</div><div>Please let me know if I understood you right and perhaps I could provide better advice. </div>

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:4f11ad0f-9586-4c2f-beba-444c36eac4d7">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : I think she's trying to ask who she should cut from the guest list according to the different sides of the families, but I'm not sure. Is that what you're asking, OP? If it is, and I haven't read it incorrectly, I would likely cut the children. The children under 13 may not even really remember the wedding or have a great time like an adult would. BUT, if the children are of close family members or close friends and the adults you'd be replacing them with are distant, I'd probably keep the kids in that place. Of course, whatever you do, makes sure that your fh feels the same way and is content with the decision. Please let me know if I understood you right and perhaps I could provide better advice.
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

Sorry about the confusion, as you can see having issues in deciding and your right..
The questions is to where to cut the guest list? and trying to give background on situation to help but think it rather have confused more .. j aja

It's to cut nieces and nephews who are maybe to young to enjoy the venue and pricey per kid although it's make more of a family environment
vs. replacing the kids
with close friends and other family like my older sibling (whom Im not sure to invite due to
attitude)

Maggie0829 · August 2012

What does your FI want to do? What is his opinion on all of this?

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:933ec201-315d-43c0-949b-edae4153b677">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]As far as I can tell, she's made her guest list and has some decisions to make. This is my interpretation only. If she decides not to invite kids (who are either her siblings or her siblings' kids), she can invite her long time friend (who used to date her brother, and is now dating her nephew?) and her? older sibling and his wife. The sibling is a handful and a troublemaker, and she's worried about his behaviour, but would like to have him there. On her fiance's side, there is a couple coming from out of town with three kids. She wants to know if she should get a sitter for those kids and wants to know if that would be fair to her side of the family. She's weighing the question of whether to allow kids on his side, but not on hers. Another factor to take into account would be the price per head: $78. They're on a budget.
Posted by utterrandomness[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the reword-- pretty much pinned it just not about my old friend is not dating my older nephew it's his mom but also worry about her being my brothers ex which i know my brother's now partner wouldn't like as well so also another worry..

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:5b6a84bc-5608-4e7b-a266-67f26a28a6fd">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your FI think about the OOT kids on his side and whether to invite them or not? I would hesitate to remove the kids on your side because they are your nieces and nephews. IMO, those are immediate family and not just random kids. However, only you can decide if you'd rather have your long time friend there or your niece/nephews. Unless your older sibling is a threat to you/your family/himself, I'd make an effort to invite him/her. I might invite him/her AND the nieces and nephews and cut somewhere else if you're limited to a certain # of guests. But, really only you can make the call on how much you value each of these groups and which you want more. There's no etiquette that says you have to have siblings there or you have to include kids. It's all your personal preference.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

He thinks it's wouldn't be fair if we didn't leave all kids out at the same time but of course feels it we do opted them out they should be someone who is very close to us replacing them in the list..

andra loves andre · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:8a2c92cd-7cda-471b-ac97-d0e277695cf1">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : Sorry about the confusion, as you can see having issues in deciding and your right.. The questions is to where to cut the guest list? and trying to give background on situation to help but think it rather have confused more .. j aja It's to cut nieces and nephews who are maybe to young to enjoy the venue and pricey per kid although it's make more of a family environment vs. replacing the kids with close friends and other family like my older sibling (whom Im not sure to invite due to attitude)
Posted by heavendelivered[/QUOTE]

<div>That was a quick clarification :) Having the background info is a good thing (I used to always be asked to include more info with my first posts, now it seems that it's the other way around). </div><div>
</div><div>I think, since it's all family here, that the best way to think about this isn't his family vs your family type of stuff, but rather, do you even want children at your wedding? Do you imagine that they'll enjoy the atmosphere, and do you feel like you'll enjoy having them? </div><div>
</div><div>Children in weddings can be an important and very personal choice. People may get offended if you don't have them, and not come. Others wouldn't want to bring their children anyways. I couples with both trains of thoughts attending my wedding- one informed me that they wouldn't be bringing their kids right after informing them of the date, and the other told me they wouldn't come unless they could bring kids! </div><div>
</div><div>For your group, how do you think your guests may react if you said no to children? do you think they would enjoy a night out as adults, or would they get offended? I'd really take that into consideration and go from there when deciding to cut. Think about who is most important to you to have there during your celebration, and who would appreciate it the most.</div><div>
</div><div>I hope that helps!</div>

Maggie0829 · August 2012

Why does it have to be one or another? Why not just invite them all? And if you do decide to not invite the kids why do you feel the need to replace them with other guests?

This whole thing is just confusing.

Meegles4 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:6a81951c-6953-41b5-a845-1ba54c01da87">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : He thinks it's wouldn't be fair if we didn't leave all kids out at the same time but of course feels it we do opted them out they should be someone who is very close to us replacing them in the list..
Posted by heavendelivered[/QUOTE]

Regarding the kids...are the ones on your FI's side his nieces/nephews? Because if they are, then I see his point, if they're random (i.e. his friends' kids) then you can most definitely invite your nieces/nephews and not these kids. It's a clear distinction (family vs. non-family).

Other than that, I have no advice for you. This is something you really have to decide on your own.

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:d570bcb1-ab49-4298-bc47-1fb5229928e8">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]What does your FI want to do? What is his opinion on all of this?
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

Beautiful Wedding Photo!

He thinks it should be down the board if I opt out kids to make it fair.. but also feels that it's pricey to pay full price per kid and that they might not be able to enjoy or remember our day..
Also, the kids on his side are friends kids and cousins kids unlike my side which are opting out siblings kids is tougher...

Meegles4 · August 2012

Some people place all kids on equal footing, like your FI is doing. I don't. I specifically told my friends they couldn't bring their kids, and that we were only allowing children who were direct family. They understood.

I also agree with Maggie this maybe shouldn't be an either/or thing. On your side, with the exception of the long-time friend, everyone you're worrying over is family: your nieces and nephews and your older sibling. I don't think you should exclude one over the other, I think you should invite them all. If anything, cut some other friend that isn't even part of this discussion. Or, just invite everyone.

Have you talked to your venue about kids menus? How old are these kids? We had five kids ranging from 5-11. I thought the older kids would want the adult meals, but they all opted for the cheaper kids meals.

andra loves andre · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:0f7ce839-cdc6-4c1f-8c88-b664c8ae635c">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : Thanks for the reword-- pretty much pinned it just not about my old friend is not dating my older nephew it's his mom but also worry about her being my brothers ex which i know my brother's now partner wouldn't like as well so also another worry..
Posted by heavendelivered[/QUOTE]

<div>oh ok, I somehow missed this part. It sounds like a complicated situation, and really, the best advice I can offer is invite the people that you feel should take part in your celebration. I'm guessing you can't invite all due to budget or room maximum reasons?</div>

Girlie1030 · August 2012

The sibling is a mouthful? Um, should you really know that?

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:1f1d8b12-e110-4ea2-9531-e53ea08690d2">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does it have to be one or another? Why not just invite them all? And if you do decide to not invite the kids why do you feel the need to replace them with other guests? This whole thing is just confusing.
Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]

We are limited to 50 guest to stay within our budget but we currently are at border line in our guest list with kids.

So, I was not sure whether to cut the kids on the list in order to be to invite other grown family members

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:2eab0d6d-4eda-4eef-a30a-20fd32f7c5d2">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : That was a quick clarification :) Having the background info is a good thing (I used to always be asked to include more info with my first posts, now it seems that it's the other way around). I think, since it's all family here, that the best way to think about this isn't his family vs your family type of stuff, but rather, do you even want children at your wedding? Do you imagine that they'll enjoy the atmosphere, and do you feel like you'll enjoy having them? Children in weddings can be an important and very personal choice. People may get offended if you don't have them, and not come. Others wouldn't want to bring their children anyways. I couples with both trains of thoughts attending my wedding- one informed me that they wouldn't be bringing their kids right after informing them of the date, and the other told me they wouldn't come unless they could bring kids! For your group, how do you think your guests may react if you said no to children? do you think they would enjoy a night out as adults, or would they get offended? I'd really take that into consideration and go from there when deciding to cut. Think about who is most important to you to have there during your celebration, and who would appreciate it the most. I hope that helps!
Posted by andra loves andre[/QUOTE]

Very good points, I'm going to think about this more..
Thank you for your great advice..

andra loves andre · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:d19304bb-425d-401b-96f7-50eb1bd7671f">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest List Help : Very good points, I'm going to think about this more.. Thank you for your great advice..
Posted by heavendelivered[/QUOTE]

<div>Anytime, I hope that it helped. I understand how hard situations like this are, but in the end, it is true that you know your crowd best. I hope it turns out well and that you make the best decision for yourselves!</div>

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:f5e7a45d-49a3-425d-a4aa-e56a5de36b46">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]Some people place all kids on equal footing, like your FI is doing. I don't. I specifically told my friends they couldn't bring their kids, and that we were only allowing children who were direct family. They understood. I also agree with Maggie this maybe shouldn't be an either/or thing. On your side, with the exception of the long-time friend, everyone you're worrying over is family: your nieces and nephews and your older sibling. I don't think you should exclude one over the other, I think you should invite them all. If anything, cut some other friend that isn't even part of this discussion. Or, just invite everyone. Have you talked to your venue about kids menus? How old are these kids? We had five kids ranging from 5-11. I thought the older kids would want the adult meals, but they all opted for the cheaper kids meals.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE

My Venue does not offer kids meal at all and in addition a nanny must be hired for a certain amount of kids.. Which I wish I would of looked into before booking..
I might have to look at his half of the guest list more since my side is strictly family, I just didn't know whether I should go to his side of guest list and take away from being equal invitee's..

andra loves andre · August 2012

heads up: you have a PM

Meegles4 · August 2012

If you're trying to have a 50/50 split on invitations as far as his side vs. your side, you're setting yourself up for a MAJOR headache. I think it's pretty impossible to be totally even steven, one of you must have a larger family, or more friends, or something.

heavendelivered · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-list-help-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:24a9b3d2-525f-4537-89bc-8367c04f94dfPost:5ef1d2b5-e427-40e0-b748-9b0364b69450">Re: Guest List Help</a>:
[QUOTE]If you're trying to have a 50/50 split on invitations as far as his side vs. your side, you're setting yourself up for a MAJOR headache. I think it's pretty impossible to be totally even steven, one of you must have a larger family, or more friends, or something.
Posted by Meegles4[/QUOTE]

Good point, 50/50 just does not work and it is a Headache.. Guess trying to be fair is not so fair after all when you have a large family....
Going for 70/30!!

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