Guest Issues

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

Our space is limited and we have exactly the amount of people we can have at our location. We did not address the invites "and guest" and also stressed this NOT a plus-one wedding because the dinner is $25 a head, only holds 150 and I'd like to know everyone attending and not have random people show up.

Problem is: people are asusming their boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, cousins, sisters, brothers and family are invited and are sending out VERBAL invites or posting things on Facebook like "We're so excited for your wedding"....But "they" are not invited.

How do I polielty tell people that they cannot bring a random guest and not to feel bad if they're whole family/friends/boyfriend/girlfriend isn't invited?

Also--do you all think it's tacky to invite college friends/work friends to a bridal shower/bachelorette party, but not invite them to the actual wedding?

shanding4787 · June 2012

Are you inviting people who have a signifcant other but not inviting their SO? You can't do that. If they are randomly dating, it's fine not to give them a plus one, but not if they are seeing someone. And no, you can't invite anyone to the bridal shower who you wouldnt invite to the wedding.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

*sigh*

You can not invite someone to a wedding and not invite their S/O. If your space is not large enough to accomodate the boyfriend/girlfriend of some of your guests, then either don't invite the person or get a larger place.

If a truely single person is RSVPing with an added guest, then politely explain that you can not accomodate plus ones.

No, you can not invite someone to a shower/wedding related party that is not invited to the wedding. It's very gift grabby and tacky.

nextrightthing · June 2012

You are going to get jumped all over for this one. You have to invite boyfriends and girlfriends....that is not a "plus one," it is a social unit.

It is very tacky to invite people to gift-giving events like a bridal shower and not the wedding. Don't do it.

Edited: can't type.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:c7f69312-b736-4d56-aa8c-3c0db1319c1e">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]Are you inviting people who have a signifcant other but not inviting their SO? You can't do that. If they are randomly dating, it's fine not to give them a plus one, but not if they are seeing someone. And no, you can't invite anyone to the bridal shower who you wouldnt invite to the wedding.
Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

<div>By randomly dating do you mean they go on dates with one or two people but are not in a relatoinship with anyone? Because if so, you are correct. If you mean they are newly together then you are incorrect, and the girlfriend or boyfriend needs to be invited. The exception to this is if they start dating after the invitations go out. </div>

baystateapple · June 2012

Man. Your financial issues are bigger than you thought.

Invite all guests with their S/Os, regardless of how long they've been dating.

Everyone invited to the shower gets an invitation to the wedding.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

We have a lot of single friends when we purchased invites who recently JUST got into a relationship. I've never met them and they've only been dating for a week or so. I don't think I'd invite them, but I'd understand married/engaged/long term couples.

I have A LOT of girlfriends from college, like 30 some girls are coming out to help me celebrate for the parties and only 10 are actually invited to the wedding. Reason being--space and money. After family and close friends were chosen, there wasn't enough room for the others. I don't value their friendships any less, but at least they still get to be a part of the celebration.

shanding4787 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:f7475128-a87a-45b7-8820-87bd773b0408">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Issues : By randomly dating do you mean they go on dates with one or two people but are not in a relatoinship with anyone? Because if so, you are correct. If you mean they are newly together then you are incorrect, and the girlfriend or boyfriend needs to be invited. The exception to this is if they start dating after the invitations go out.
Posted by pokepoke27[/QUOTE]

Correct, I just mean not seeing any one person in particular. If it's a new relationship they should still be invitied.

baystateapple · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:c4372dae-1d50-479d-babc-fa222c5b48fd">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a lot of single friends when we purchased invites who recently JUST got into a relationship. I've never met them and they've only been dating for a week or so. I don't think I'd invite them, but I'd understand married/engaged/long term couples. I have A LOT of girlfriends from college, like 30 some girls are coming out to help me celebrate for the parties and only 10 are actually invited to the wedding. Reason being--space and money. After family and close friends were chosen, there wasn't enough room for the others. I don't value their friendships any less, but at least they still get to be a part of the celebration.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

1) My H and I were serious after three weeks of dating. Your wedding is not the place to comment on other people's relationships or their quality.

2) No. Nobody is going to be honored to "be part of the celebration." It's rude. Period.

Meegles4 · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:c4372dae-1d50-479d-babc-fa222c5b48fd">Re:
Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a lot of single friends when we purchased invites who recently JUST got into a relationship. I've never met them and they've only been dating for a week or so. I don't think I'd invite them, but I'd understand married/engaged/long term couples. I have A LOT of girlfriends from college, like 30 some girls are coming out to help me celebrate for the parties and only 10 are actually invited to the wedding. Reason being--space and money. After family and close friends were chosen, there wasn't enough room for the others. I don't value their friendships any less, but at least they still get to be a part of the celebration.
Posted by
Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

Ohhhh honey.

This is beside the point, but do these people know they're not invited to the wedding? How
awkward.

And yeah, people don't get invited to pre-wedding parties if they're not invited to the wedding. Keeping the wedding small also means keeping the pre-wedding shenanigans small.
</div>

pokepoke27 · June 2012

Yeah, your friends will feel SO honored to be important enough to come give you a gift. They'll totally understand that you don't value them enough to be part of your actual wedding day.

rsanna · June 2012

Oh dear, I think you have bigger issues. But what is done is done. The only thing you can really do at this point is to cut the guest list to allow for everyone to bring their SOs with them, and you shouldn't invite anyone to pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the wedding.

I mean, if you are feeling really ambitious you can drive and find a different venue to accomodate all of the extra people and then reprint your invitations. But you already talked about being over budget, so I doubt you want to do that.

ETA: Reading fail. Like PPs said, if they were single when you sent on invitations, you are fine. But if they were in relationships prior to that, you should try to fit them in.

egm900 · June 2012

If they got into a relationship before invites went out, the girlfriend or boyfriend should still be invited. Even if they got into a relationship after invites went out, I would still try to accommodate them.

It sounds like you think you're doing them a favor because "at least they get to be a part of the celebration." As was said in another post today, the bride and groom should be honored people are electing to attend events for them, not that a guest should feel honored for being included. Most people understand that there are constraints when it comes to weddings, whether it's money, venue size, etc. Not everyone needs to be included, this was a decision you made when you picked your venue and figured out your budget.

nextrightthing · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:7cfa26dd-a0ba-4714-b2bf-ea09cba69f34">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Guest Issues : If they weren't in a relationship when invites went out, it is probably OK to exclude them. Just explain when you were planning they were single and you can't add any more guests. As for the bolded part, that is NOT okay. Everyone has to manage space and money. Everyone has to make hard guest lists decisions. Inviting people to the gift-giving party and not the wedding is not a nice way to include them in part f the celebration, it is a shitty way to treat people.
Posted by Liatris2010[/QUOTE]

This. They need to be invited.

brilibby4 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:c4372dae-1d50-479d-babc-fa222c5b48fd">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a lot of single friends when we purchased invites who recently JUST got into a relationship. I've never met them and they've only been dating for a week or so. I don't think I'd invite them, but I'd understand married/engaged/long term couples. I have A LOT of girlfriends from college, like 30 some girls are coming out to help me celebrate for the parties and only 10 are actually invited to the wedding. Reason being--space and money. After family and close friends were chosen, there wasn't enough room for the others. I don't value their friendships any less, but at least they still get to be a part of the celebration.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

You are very much in the wrong here.

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts.

If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along.

Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2012

According to your other thread, invitations go out this week? You still have time to trim that list to include SOs (new or old).

jmayinc · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:65ce4885-0bb1-43d8-a137-73df1662e4c2">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]You are going to get jumped all over for this one. You have to invite boyfriends and girlfriends....that is not a "plus one," it is a social unit. It is very tacky to invite people to gift-giving events like a bridal shower and not the wedding. Don't do it. Edited: can't type.
Posted by nextrightthing[/QUOTE]

This...so this.

willywally5 · June 2012

Oh, honey. You have a big problem here. Per your other post, you are $2K over budget for a $25/head dinner. So you need to cut guests. But, you haven't invited to people who NEED to be invited! If they come to a shower/b-party, they NEED an invite. With their SO.

Thinking it might be time to scratch the B-party if you can't invite the extra 20 girls.

People with SO's NEED to be invited with said SO.

Can you do a less expensive meal option?

You almost need to start from scratch on the guest list.

(edited cuz I had my numbers wrong!)

nextrightthing · June 2012

Oh gosh, I just saw you are also the "Future MIL Problems" poster. Combined, you are looking a little bridezilla-ish at the moment. Hopefully it is just pre-wedding hysteria and you are really sweet and nice and not bratty or full of a sense of entitlement.

Mrs.B6302007 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]
You don't get to decide what defines the seriousness of their relationship. If a GUEST says s/he is in a relationship, then s/he is in a relationship.

baystateapple · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

You know, I tried to be really nice and understanding in your FMIL thread. I'm sort of regretting it now.

You never ask anyone for gifts. You don't throw your own shower, bachelorette party, or "mini-reception". What you're doing is still wrong.

Who are you to comment on someone else's relationship? "Flavor of the week" is ridiculously judgy. Maybe that "flavor of the week" becomes someone's husband or wife.

And no, people aren't going to respect that money is tight. They're going to think you're rude.

nextrightthing · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

I guess you were just wanting us to tell you the rude things you are doing are not rude. Don't ask for advice if you don't want it. It is not up to you to judge the legitimacy of people's relationships. Also, you said you are having a separate party just for friends and "not even asking them for gifts." Does this mean you are asking wedding guests for gifts?

QueerFemme · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:c4372dae-1d50-479d-babc-fa222c5b48fd">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]We have a lot of single friends when we purchased invites who recently JUST got into a relationship. I've never met them and they've only been dating for a week or so. I don't think I'd invite them, but I'd understand married/engaged/long term couples. I have A LOT of girlfriends from college, like 30 some girls are coming out to help me celebrate for the parties and only 10 are actually invited to the wedding. Reason being--space and money. After family and close friends were chosen, there wasn't enough room for the others. I don't value their friendships any less, but at least they still get to be a part of the celebration.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

You do actually value their friendship less. You put a $25.00 per head valuation on their friendship.

Don't get me wrong. EVERYONE had to make decisions on where to cut their guest lists. So, you are not in breach of etiquette by having to cut people from the guest list. Where you went horribly, horribly wrong... is thinking these people want to "help you celebrate" and bring you gifts when you aren't inviting them to the wedding.

Anyone that gets invited to a pre-wedding party should get an invite to the wedding. Anyone who is in a relationship, even if it is a NEW relationship, should be permitted to bring their significant other.

I would seriously sit down and try to rework your budget and figure out a way to include these people if at all possible.

mlperkins12 · June 2012

To address part of your situation, a colleage of mine invited me to her shower but not to her wedding. She was new to the office and did not know many of us when she sent out her invites, then later decided she watned to invite some of us girls from work to her shower. To be honest, I would have rather been excluded from the entire "celebration". Though I fully understood the situation, I was a bit offended that I was good enough to give a gift, but not be invited to the wedding.

Meegles4 · June 2012

<div align="left">In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re:
Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by
Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

1 - Just b/c you're not asking doesn't mean people don't feel obligated to bring a gift to a pre-wedding party. Just because your feelings weren't hurt, doesn't mean others won't be. My solution would be to not invite these people to the pre-wedding party and just do something with the 10 individuals you are inviting to both events. Or, hang out with everyone but make it completely non-wedding related. No bachelorette sashes and tiaras,
no wedding games, etc.

2 - Don't call someone a flavor of the week just b/c you haven't met them. H and I were serious within a few weeks of dating and it took a bit longer to meet all of his friends and vice versa. Just because I hadn't met some guy he went to college with didn't make our relationship any less valid.
</div>

rsanna · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

I wouldn't consider 150 people small. 25 or 50 people people is small. To the second bolded part, why do you need a wedding to do this? Why make it wedding related at all? Just get together with your friends. By labeling it and relating it to the wedding you are inviting in all sorts of issues. Next just because YOU wouldn't expect an invite, doesn't mean others don't. That is what etiquette is for. Finally, as other PPs have noted it is horribly rude to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship.

willywally5 · June 2012

How many people are you actually planning to invite? Because if you are $2K over at $25 a plate, that is an overage of 80 people right there.

If it's a 'small intimate wedding' (which in my mind is about 100 or less) the numbers just aren't adding up. Did you really not have any idea what you could afford?

Cole&Kailee · June 2012

1. I'm not throwing these parties...my MOH is and I'm not asking for gifts!
2. I'm being as flexible as I can with money and space, but I can't find another venue in 2 months nor come up with another 2,000 for the extra people.
3. invites were already ordered and will be sent out in 4 days.
4. I'm really a sweet girl who's stuck because I didn't know the 'ettiquete' that I had to invite every single person who comes to a party and their boyfriend/girlfriend of a week to our wedding. That's the way it's done a lot here.
5. I'm not a bridezilla--far from it, I'm just freaking out because I'm stuck.

I love my crazy single college friends, but for an intimate wedding with just family and family friends just doesn't like they fit. I haven't seen most of them in years since I graduated.

Should I have another hotel party or mini reception for just the friends who weren't formally invited to the wedding?

chelseamb11 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_guest-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:8aeea42b-fd6e-4f13-ad97-3ad253e63e65Post:58a53864-417c-4893-8c7d-a09ab359d581">Re: Guest Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been invited to tons of bachelorette parties to help come out and celebrate and I took no offense to not going to the wedding. I didn't know the FH ALL that well to begin with. She was just a college friend. I don't have the room or money to invte 30+ rowdy single college girls to our intimate small wedding. That's why I'm having a seperate party JUST for friends. Call it a mini reception. I'm not even asking them for gifts. If I just started dating someone 2 months before a wedding, I wouldn't expect an invite for him unless the bride/groom and I were really close and met him before. I don't feel like I should have to pay for 15 more people because they want their "flavor of the week" or just a random date to come along. Like I said, it's a small get together where only family and close friends are invited. Everyone there will know someone. People should respect that money is tight and cuts had to be made.
Posted by Cole&Kailee[/QUOTE]

Where you aren't the host and they have to pay for themselves AND maybe even bring you a gift? Muuuuchh better. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

Find out who these people are dating. Invite them BY NAME. If John Smith is dating Jane Doe, invite John Smith WITH Jane Doe. That way, if they're that much of a flavor of the week, she wouldn't come anyway because she'd obviously be long gone.

As for the last thing you said, you should be cutting full couples then if money is that tight, not halves of couples.

My H and I started dating one month before my uncle's wedding. This was even after the invites went out. I was SOOO touched when my uncle invited him.

pokepoke27 · June 2012

Is anyone else getting the feelings this is some kind of troll? It feels like the first thread she posted wasn't controversial enough so she then posts this to garuntee the response she was looking for.

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