Controlling friend

pnkgurl06 · October 2010

So my "friend" just got married a few weeks ago and i have to say that it was one of the worst weddings that i went too, but that was besides the point. Orginally i was talking to her about being in my party but when i had invited her to come and help me narrow down wedding dress, she screamed at me in the middle of david's bridal. I was trying to explain why i did not like the train on the dresses i was trying on and she screamed at the top of her lungs that it did not matter what i wanted. I was mad about how she was treating me. And she did not even care about trying to get to know the other girls in my party, not even their names. One of the girls is my sister and she even knows her. I have decided to not make her part of my party but i just dont know how to bring it up in a nice way. I don't want a friend that is going to be rude, control (even in the sense of what i want and dont want) and not even try to get to know my other girls. Is it wrong that i dont want her to be part of my party anymore by her selfish actions?

marissa_claire · October 2010

Did you already ask her? It's confusing the way you wrote it, it sounds like you brought up the idea of having her be in your party but didn't actually ask her to be a bridesmaid.

And if you did already ask her, I have a hard time believing this is the first time she's acted this way. In which case, I kind of think you made your bed, so...

jerseydevil · October 2010

So, you talked to her about being in your party, but didn't come out and ask her? Your WP isn't a job, there isn't any sort of trial or interview for it, you either feel close to someone and want them to stand with you when you get married or you don't.

If she is under the impression that she is in your BP (which it sounds like she is), then you'd be kicking her out and I suggest you be prepared for some drama and a falling out from that.

Sounds like there are some deeper issues there than just the post since you mentioned how bad her wedding was and I'm not sure how that's relevant.

zitiqueen · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_controlling-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02ebddf4-3160-4f2d-9ed3-71c5678393c7Post:dd6dd3f2-6984-4a46-b29b-5acd3f6368e0">Controlling friend</a>:
[QUOTE]So my "friend" just got married a few weeks ago and i have to say that it was one of the worst weddings that i went too, but that was besides the point. Orginally i was talking to her about being in my party but when i had invited her to come and help me narrow down wedding dress, she screamed at me in the middle of david's bridal. I was trying to explain why i did not like the train on the dresses i was trying on and she screamed at the top of her lungs that it did not matter what i wanted. I was mad about how she was treating me. And she did not even care about trying to get to know the other girls in my party, not even their names. One of the girls is my sister and she even knows her. I have decided to not make her part of my party but i just dont know how to bring it up in a nice way. I don't want a friend that is going to be rude, control (even in the sense of what i want and dont want) and not even try to get to know my other girls. Is it wrong that i dont want her to be part of my party anymore by her selfish actions?
Posted by pnkgurl06[/QUOTE]

lalap69 · October 2010

There's no "trial run" for the WP. From the sound of it, you've already made her part of your WP, whether you think you officially asked her or not.

If she's truly as horrible as you say she is, then why are you even friends with her? If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't be and she will understand that she's not in the WP, but if you better be sure that's what you want because if you kick her out, which is what you'd be doing, your friendship is going to be over anyway.

heyimbren · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_controlling-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02ebddf4-3160-4f2d-9ed3-71c5678393c7Post:2922a348-a178-4e8f-a597-4446004f78ab">Re: Controlling friend</a>:
[QUOTE]There's no "trial run" for the WP. From the sound of it, you've already made her part of your WP, whether you think you officially asked her or not. If she's truly as horrible as you say she is, then why are you even friends with her? If you don't want to be friends with her, then don't be and she will understand that she's not in the WP, but if you better be sure that's what you want because if you kick her out, which is what you'd be doing, your friendship is going to be over anyway.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

This. If you say you don't want to be friends with her, then just end the friendship. You can't kick someone out of your BP and still expect to be good friends. But if she's that horrible, I also don't get why you'd want to be friends with her. The reality is that there's no "nice" way to do it.

eshaufle · October 2010

I think I'm confused...she was yelling at you because you didn't like a train for your wedding dress? And said it didn't matter what you wanted in your dress? That doesn't make much sense to me. It would make more sense if she was yelling about the BM dresses having trains...not that I condone yelling whatsoever but that would be the only scenario where maybe she would care enough to yell those things?

She sounds like a piece of work but if you hinted at her being a BM, she is. If she's really the type of person that's yelling at you about your dress than I'm confused why she's even a friend in the first place. That just sounds crazy.

I guess talk to her and tell you how you feel about her opinions on your own wedding dress and the manner in which they were brought up. Tell her that you're welcome to hearing calm input on the BM dresses but your wedding dress is 100% only your decision. You value her opinion but there's no reason to blow it out of proportion if you disagree.

MairePoppy · October 2010

If you have already talked to her about being in your wp and you invited her to go dress shopping, then she is your bm. You can't kick her out of your wp, but you should have a discussion with her about her offensive behaviour.

My guess is that she has always been controlling and out of control, so why did you ask her to be in your wp?

melissamc2 · October 2010

Grown women who scream at the top of their lungs in even slightly dignified places of business. much less often used bridal salons, are asked to leave. I suspect a bit of dramatization has been added to this post or there would be more to it.

I also agree with you that what her wedding was like is beside the point, but you chose to add it in a written post that you could have easily deleted - why is that?

I suspect there are more issues involved in this than you're ever going to tell us - or her.

Your sentences "and she did not even care about getting to know the other girls in my party" and "Is it wrong that i dont want her to be part of my party anymore by her selfish actions?" clear up any confusion as to whether or not she IS a part of the wedding party at this time. She is.

Is it wrong for you to want her out? No. We all have those thoughts. Is it "wrong" for you to remove her from the wedding party based on the story you've laid out for us here? I think so. I also think you'll be ending your "friend"ship if you do, but really, why do you want to keep someone around in your life that you have to use quotes around the word friend, anyway, and why would you have ever asked someone that has that designation to be in your wedding party to start with? As mentioned above, IF she truly acted like this, it cannot be the first time in her life, or that you've witnessed.

Good luck.

trix1223 · October 2010

I'm with melissa: my first thought was "she was screaming at the top of her lungs?" Over-react and exaggerate much?

As I continued reading, I think you have made it clear that she's in the WP, and so she is. You made the decision to include her in dress shopping and trying to get to know the other women in the WP.

She doesn't have to get to know the rest of the WP. They are not a new social group. The one thing they all have in common in you. So what if they don't become friends? You're seriously overthinking what a WP has to do here.

I think you can head off other potential drama by growing a backbone and then using it. She doesn't like the train you like? "Thanks for your suggestion, but happily I get to wear the dress, so I'm going to go with what I like." "Thanks for the idea. I'll consider it." Then consider it and do what you want.

And I thought your comment about her wedding was snotty and uncalled for.

deepcovejackie · October 2010

How about not continuing to share wedding planning details with her? That would be the best idea. I agree with Trix, your comment about your friend's wedding was beside the point of your post, and not very nice.

Sounds like you both need a time-out.

Cynthia1207 · October 2010

Well the answer is No you cannot kick her out of your WP if you already asked her. You can however, not invite her to come dress shopping with you. You obviously don't need her opinion if all she is going to do is try to pressure to get something you don't want. You don't have to speak with her about details in your wedding. She isn't obligated to be BFF with your WP either. She just might be feeling a little sad because her wedding is over and it might be nostalgic for her. But I do agree her behaviour isn't appropriate.

SSaltzman87 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_controlling-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:02ebddf4-3160-4f2d-9ed3-71c5678393c7Post:64fc78c4-528d-42d2-bb3e-0f467c81830e">Re: Controlling friend</a>:
[QUOTE]MUD.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

This was my first thought reading the OP.

Controlling friend

Re: Controlling friend

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