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Etiquette

Loosing my MOH over $40-

So. Talking to my cuz who is/was going to be my MOH. She was saying she was tight on money and wanted to know if I had any thoughts on what dresses I was looking at in the 75-100 dollar range being cheaper. I found a 40 dollar dress that I love just the same and told her she just needed to get her dress because I have shoes and accessories she could borrow. My mother/aunt already took the shower over from her since she was broke. Coupling that with the fact that I am paying for the hair and makeup since I was the one that wanted it done at a salon, all she needed to pay for was her dress and not to worry about a gift or anything.... So Im loosing my MOH over $40 cuz she said she doesnt think she can get the money. Oh and the wedding is in six weeks, we planned on waiting till this Friday when a bunch of dresses go on sale from Homecomming and the other bm and I get paid (I have to get some accessories still)....

So my best friend will of course step up as maid of honor with no hard feelings on not being it in the first place and we will drop a gm to an usher but seriously.... is it wierd that we will only have one person standing up for us on either side? Im just not close to any other girls and wanted 2 from the beginning of planning.
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Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-

  • It's "losing," and if $40 isn't that much money to you, why don't you offer to buy the dress?
  • Sorry, but that's pretty messed up. Cough up the $40. Something tells me it's a drop in the bucket compared to what you're spending on the wedding. I paid $150 EACH for my BMs dresses and H ended up paying almost $100 per tux rental for our guys. Because having them in the wedding was important. I would feel heartsick if someone close to me couldn't be in the wedding because they couldn't afford the dress I wanted them to buy for a party I was throwing for myself.
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  • I considered paying for it, but originally I asked her to save 200 a year ago and since then I keep taking things over so she can still afford to be up there for me. The hair and makeup cost $50 and I found shoes and accessories for her to borrow instead of buy. I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep her in it.

  • LOSING.

    not LOOSING.

    Pay for the dress FFS.

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  • I think it's weird that you're replacing people and shuffling positions around. If she drops out, just leave it at that.

    I get being frustrated that she can't come up with $40. I don't see it as a lot of money, but if it's that important to you, can you cover all of it, or even part of it? You seem to have the impression that it's "just $40" so maybe you could take care of it then? Or even half?

  • Buy the dress, don't buy the dress, but please don't demote a GM to usher. Your sides don't have to be even and I'm assuming your FI picked two people who mean a lot to him. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:8fef3824-36bc-4ea4-957c-026892d8a2e2">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]I considered paying for it, but originally I asked her to save 200 a year ago and since then I keep taking things over so she can still afford to be up there for me. The hair and makeup cost $50 and I found shoes and accessories for her to borrow instead of buy. I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep her in it.
    Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

    You should have asked her what she could afford, not told her what she needed to save.

    Again, hair and makeup are not necessities. Take that money and put it toward a dress. Or let her wear something she already owns.
  • Our whole wedding is costing 5000 for 150 people as a sit down dinner. My fiance and I are already bearing the cost of all of that.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:8fef3824-36bc-4ea4-957c-026892d8a2e2">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]I considered paying for it, but originally I asked her to save 200 a year ago and since then I keep taking things over so she can still afford to be up there for me. The hair and makeup cost $50 and I found shoes and accessories for her to borrow instead of buy. I feel like I'm the only one trying to keep her in it.
    Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

    Holy crap. You don't even want to hear the story about how I let my BFF live with me for free for 9 months in which time she saved up $350 in total. The intimate details of her finances are non of your business. But if want to severely strain your relationship with her (and the guy you're kicking out to make things even), have at it. It's your life.

    God, I hope this is MUD.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:c37361ca-8ed5-4402-9bbd-c1449878285f">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our whole wedding is costing 5000 for 150 people as a sit down dinner. My fiance and I are already bearing the cost of all of that.
    Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

    Right, and my point is that $40 is like 1% of that. Why not just NOT have her get her hair and make up done and use that money for the dress?
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  • Why is it necessary for her to have professional hair and makeup? Honestly, I'd skip that and buy the damn dress for her. Consider how awkward and embarassing it must be for her to be too broke to spend $40 on a dress in order to stand up next to you at your wedding.
  • Why would a groomsman become an usher?
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  • This is all just so ridiculous.  Just pay for the dress.  Unless your MOH is trying to back out because you're heinous.  Then just let her go, but don't "demote" a GM.  What'd he ever do to you?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:8aa82125-2b84-4789-8623-01f12803b938">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]She said she could afford it just fine. I did ask budgets, Im looking for ways to make it even cheaper on everyone because I look for deals like that. Im just upset that she waited till six weeks before to say she couldnt do it when all week I confirmed the day to go shopping and I already paid the hair and makeup place to reserve our times. I cant get that money back to put towards her dress. I have so many other things to pay for, that its not "JUST" 40 bucks. I have zero dollars to move to that snce we are six weeks away! I have all my checks from work dedicated to the remainder of the amounts owed to vendors. Nothing can be changed. <strong>I just feel something else is going on since she wont ask her mom or dad (aunt and uncle) to borrow the money.
    </strong>Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

    Maybe you should ask her if something else is going on?  I would hate to lose my best friend over anything related to my wedding.  Change that, I'd hate to lose her over anything.
    And probably shouldn't say you're losing her over $40 if you think there's something else...just sayin..
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:c37361ca-8ed5-4402-9bbd-c1449878285f">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]Our whole wedding is costing 5000 for 150 people as a sit down dinner. My fiance and I are already bearing the cost of all of that.
    Posted by alyssalowe[/QUOTE]

    So nix the hair and makeup and buy her the dress, if the budget is that tight.  Or let her wear a dress that is already in her closet.  Or, if you really feel like making this your last stand, go for it.  Kick her out, replace her, demote your groomsman, and join the ranks of brides who came before you.  Those lovelies who were just CERTAIN it wouldn't hurt anyone's feelings to start handing out demotions because symmetry and fashion held a higher status than friendship.  Being a cautionary tale could be fun. 
  • Yeah, you should probably worry about your cousin/BFF more so that how your wedding pics will look with uneven sides or with non-matching dresses.
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  • If you really wanted her to be your MOH you would pay for her dress.  It's 40$.  Ya you're cringing at the fact that you're spending 5000$.  What's more important for you: friends or money?  I get that you did everything you could for her to save and to be a part of it.  Why are you giving up now over 40$ ???  You're putting at jeopardy your friendship with her AND with the GM you're thinking of demoting which I think is pretty damn rotten.  Think hard if all this drama is really worth 40$. 

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  • Mel!  Please come around more. 
  • Did you prepay the total amount for all of the hair and makeup or just put down deposits?  If it's just a deposit, just apply her deposit to your hair and makeup and use the remainder of what you would have paid to buy her dress.  Then take her out for coffee or a drink and find out what's going on in her life.  Do you not care that you are going to lose more than an MOH over $40?  You're probably going to lose a friend.
  • You are a sucky friend, and you really aren't interested in having her as your MOH because she can't be there for you financially. That's the gist of this. ANd demoting a GM: Seriously? That's just plain rude. 
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  • OP:  Do NOT demote the groomsman, which would be a terrible thing to do.

    Everyone else:  

    Seriously?  This chick said the cousin DID say she could afford a more expensive dress, then couldn't, so OP found her a MUCH cheaper dress, and the cousin said she could afford it... and no she says she can't at the last minute.

    OP is paying for hair & makeup (and while I agree it's a silly expense, she has already said she's tied into those contracts and costs and can't undo the expense to pay for the dress).

    OP is lending shoes & accessories.

    OP has stated that from now to the wedding, it's paycheck-to-paycheck and she does.  not.  have.  another $40.  I understand what that's like.  May none of you ever have to understand or experience that, over a wedding or for any other reason.

    At 6 weeks out, there's not much in a wedding that can be undone, changed, or moved, to reallocate funds for an additional expense, no matter how small it seems.

    The chick's done everything she can.  Except for the impending demotion, which would be ridiculous, there's nothing in this post that deserves a response as if she's done something wrong.  Maybe it's the cousin who's ruining the friendship.  Maybe, for once, OP is the good guy.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • edited October 2010
    Please just pay for the dress. Don't lose a friendship just because of money!  That's not the answer to life's questions! 

    Try to get all of your BM's jewelry in bulk, they might offer a discount to cover the MOH dress!

    ETA: Is there any part of your wedding budget that you can cut back on, to accomodate a $40 dress?

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  • jess9802jess9802 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited October 2010
    I might buy the OP's explanation if she hadn't said she was paying $50 for hair and makeup at a salon. It seems with a December wedding there is plenty of time to cancel that appointment and use the $50 to purchase the $40 dress. I have a hard time believing that a $50 appointment for hair and makeup has a non-refundable deposit with more than six weeks to go before the ceremony. And if that's truly the case, she's out that money anyway now that she's down to one attendant.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:e36c5a40-3573-47e0-b132-5fce26b8fa2d">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]I might buy the OP's explanation if she hadn't said she was paying $50 for hair and makeup at a salon. It seems with a December wedding there is plenty of time to cancel that appointment and use the $50 to purchase the $40 dress. I have a hard time believing that a $50 appointment for hair and makeup has a non-refundable deposit with more than six weeks to go before the ceremony.
    Posted by jess9802[/QUOTE]
    There are people who are just horrid deal-makers.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • I highly doubt the OP can't get a refund for one of the hair appointments.

    LD, you forget that the cousin COULD wear or borrow a dress in black or some other color that goes with the wedding. There's that option. Hell, while not ideal, I think most of us would let our friends and relatives wear their pajamas down the aisle rather than kick them out. Plus demoting the groomsman? Really?
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:5be07219-3108-4896-8db5-1810aa51e31b">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]I highly doubt the OP can't get a refund for one of the hair appointments. LD, you forget that the cousin COULD wear or borrow a dress in black or some other color that goes with the wedding. There's that option. <strong>Hell, while not ideal, I think most of us would let our friends and relatives wear their pajamas down the aisle rather than kick them out</strong>. Plus demoting the groomsman? Really?
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

    I was just gonna say, if money was really bad for my MOH and she could still make it to the wedding, I wouldn't really care what she wore.  I chose her because she's my best friend, not because she can afford to be my MOH.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:5be07219-3108-4896-8db5-1810aa51e31b">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]I highly doubt the OP can't get a refund for one of the hair appointments. LD, you forget that the cousin COULD wear or borrow a dress in black or some other color that goes with the wedding. There's that option. Hell, while not ideal, I think most of us would let our friends and relatives wear their pajamas down the aisle rather than kick them out. Plus demoting the groomsman? Really?
    Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]
    I could be wrong, but I don't remember anyone suggesting to OP that she could let her MOH wear another dress she already owns (assuming she's not a total tomboy and owns a dress)... so maybe she hasn't thought of it.  In all honesty, I'd be brainstorming ways to get $$ for the actual dress, whether it's my money, MOH's money, or someone else's, but I likely wouldn't think to let the MOH wear a dress she already owns.<div>
    </div><div>Instead of a useful suggestion like that, though, I see a whole lot of "you're a bad friend."  Now maybe OP will see that suggestion and go with it.</div>
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  • And I already said demoting the groomsman was wrong.  My whole initial post was qualified with that fact.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • OP- if you said that your MOH hasn't approached her parents for the $$, why don't YOU appraoch yours and ask them to borrow the $40?  You already said that you & your FI are paying for the wedding, so it is safe to assume that they have $40 they can float you until after the wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_loosing-moh-over-40?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:311ec83e-ca69-44ee-8007-f1643deae3dbPost:85276549-f30f-4137-a184-a505ffb563fe">Re: Loosing my MOH over $40-</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Loosing my MOH over $40- : I could be wrong, but I don't remember anyone suggesting to OP that she could let her MOH wear another dress she already owns (assuming she's not a total tomboy and owns a dress)... so maybe she hasn't thought of it.  In all honesty, I'd be brainstorming ways to get $$ for the actual dress, whether it's my money, MOH's money, or someone else's, but I likely wouldn't think to let the MOH wear a dress she already owns. Instead of a useful suggestion like that, though, I see a whole lot of "you're a bad friend."  Now maybe OP will see that suggestion and go with it.
    Posted by LD1970[/QUOTE]

    I suggested that very thing, but I'm buried on the last page.

    I respect that you have a different stance here.  I think the general uproar is over OP stating that she's "losing" her MOH over $40, as though $40 is a measly amount, but then defending her stance that she can't come up with any other possible solutions, up to and including coming up with the "measly" amount herself.  This, coupled with her willingness to quickly replace her MOH and demote a groomsman...it fosters a feeling of all around ickiness. 
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