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April 2011 Weddings

Poll!

I don't know about you guys, but right before we got married everyone kept saying "the first year is the hardest." Now that we're approaching the one year mark, I gotta know: was the first year tough for you? Any comments on the first year thus far?
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Re: Poll!

  • Haha, actually a lot of our friends ask us how everything is going for our first year of marriage. I always say "just like the last 6 years", nothing has changed.

    I think the biggest change was just having to do things jointly like re-finance our mortgage and file our taxes as married. Other than that no big changes in attitudes between us or anything else.

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  • The first year was really no different for us then before. However, we have been friends since 1996, and had already been living together for a while, so we are pretty used to each other. The only thing different is now everyone asks us when are we going to have a baby, which both of us find to be incredibly irritating. We are just chugging along, having a good time!
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  • First year of marriage wasn't as hard as the year leading up to it.  I think we worked out a lot of the "kinks" when he moved in to my house (and moved from Madison to Milwaukee - about 70 miles) in the fall of 2009.  We knew then we were going to get married at some point.  The stresses of learning to live with each other, planning a wedding, me losing a job and beign unemployed for 5 months, and then J working full time for his folks for over a year while they closed their business.  Yeah, we tested the realationship pretty good before we said I Do.  Not that everything has been perfect this year, but I think the year before the wedding was harder.
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  • I'm sure that it's different for everyone, so please don't be afraid to speak up if this year has in fact been rough.

    However, I'm with the others so far. We're chugging along and I find it hard to answer "How's married life?" without a twinge of sarcasm, because our married life is the same as our dating life: fun and awesome most every day. The first year hasn't been especially tough...the changes I've seen are minor and expected. Like, our priorities are more family driven than friend driven. Also, we're more of a team than before...trying to always present a united front to the world.

    FWIW, we were living together for over a year before we got married and we were long time friends before we dated so there were few surprises to be had.
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  • I'm going to join the others on the "same ole same ole" train. I always heard that the first year was the hardest...if this past year is the hardest it gets, we're in for an easy ride! 

    But seriously, like several of you had already mentioned, there weren't a lot of surprises. Not to say that we haven't had our fights and disagreements (cause we have!) but as a whole it's been a great year. Despite DH getting laid off only two months after we got married and me being unable to find a job, we made it work. I think being poor helps your marriage - you learn to rely on each other more. And since you don't have the money to go out and do a lot of things, you stay at home and talk, play games, cook together, and have more sexy time ;) Seriously y'all - being unemployed isn't all that bad! haha (please know that i'm joking...it's not fun. stay in school everyone)
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  • Pretty sure I will be in the minority, but I know you girls love me and support me.

    This first year has been way tougher than I'd anticipated.  I didnt expect puppies and rainbows, but instead I got tarantulas and mudpits.  We have some good days, but we are NOT where we should be.  We are more like roommates instead of husband/wife.  I feel alone and scared.  I'm glad that we are going to therapy, and that DH was diagnosed with depression and is on medication.  I hope that we will be able to move past this and be better and stronger than ever.  But dealing with his disorder is extrememly tough on me, and I feel at fault, I dont feel adequate, or that I cant make him happy. 

    I am THANKFUL (it is Thursday! but hey, you asked!) that I have you girls in my life and that I can share things with you that I havent told my family.
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  • *hugs for Ape*

    You know that we're always here for you and there is absolutely zero judgment here. We love you bunches and we want the best for you always. I'm so glad that you and DH are working through things with a counselor and that he's on the path towards wellness. 

    Love you, chica. 
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  • it has been mostly great, but we have had some hard times too. moving out here was really hard for me and continues to be. it really puts a strain on our relationship sometimes. i try hard not to feel this way, but sometimes i feel resentful that we have moved so far away from everyone we know for his new job.
    that has really been our only challenge. in a way, it's also sort of brought us closer together -- we are really each other's only close friends here, so we do things together that we might not have otherwise.
    the only other real thing that is different is that we talk about money a lot more openly than before. i don't know if you guys were like this, but before we got married we didn't talk much about money -- what kinds of bills we had to pay, what kind of savings/debt we had. i guess there's just a taboo about talking about money. i wish we had been more open about it sooner. thankfully we have come up with a savings plan so that we can maybe look for a house when we move back east -- or at least be close to thinking about that.
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  • I think it's funny when they say the first year is the hardest. I think about that all the time and I look back on the year and if this was the hardest... the rest will be a piece of cake! I think that because Robert and I were dating for almost 8 years and we lived together nothing really changed so it was an easy transition.

    Like others, things are perfect but you make the best out of what you have. Right now might be the hardest of our marriage so far. We are so unsure of Robert's job right now and he has talked about joining the military. Kind of scary but we have to do what's best for us right now. I'm hoping that he can find something as a career and not have to join the military.

    Ape- We love you to pieces! You know that we are here for you and want nothing but the best for you and DH. I'm glad that you are working things out and I wish nothing but the best! LOVE YOU!!
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  • April, your situation is unique from most of us. You and Shelbs have really been put through the fire this year and from what I can tell, you're handling it like a total champ. My mom is severly depressed and it is so hard for me to be around her...I'm sure this is the tip of the iceberg compared to being married to someone with a diagnosis. I am so proud of you for being such a strong person and not giving up on what's important to you!

    Lisa, I can see how moving could easily cause some resentment. I'm 99% positive I would feel the same way. I hope you guys find a happy medium (preferably on the east coast ;) ) and soon so you can get outta there!
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  • I didn't find it hard at all... but I've never really found anything to be difficult in our relationship. We're really, really lucky at how well we get along, we rarely argue and we're really good at recognizing the other person's "now is the time to walk away and discuss it later" point... I think that is the key. The biggest thing we're guilty of is getting caught up in work and doing things around the house and not spending enough time together. We have been working on that recently.

    April, keep plugging along and if you put in the effort it will be ok in the end. We are always here for you!
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  • We have been pretty much the "same old same old" that we have been.  Since we have been living together for almost 7 years (in June!) and so we have had plenty of time to get to know and learn each others dumb and annoying habbits.  And yet we still get annoyed and bicker and fight.  We had a dumb blow-out on Tues night.  But I chalk it all up to just continuing to figure each other out more.  You truly never will know the other person - thats why they say it takes a lifetime to get to know someone.  Z is my best friend and we have been through so much together.  Broken up three times and both of us seeing other people during one of them.  He was great when I was diagnosed with depression after I started getting my migraines and that is when I was really sick.  He stuck by me.  Going through things and being with that person shows how much you love them and back them up. 

    Ape - I have told you already how much of a rockstar you are for being there for Shelby!  You are doing great.  It is hard on both parties.  But don't forget how much he loves you for sticking with him in his hard time.

    Lisa - Feeling resentment because of moving so far away isn't bad.  I would too.  (yet I am the one trying to talk him into applying for usa jobs right now... me bad :) )

    I love you all :) 
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  • April, you will never be alone and in NO WAY is what Shelby's going through a reflection of you.  You are in a mud pit right now but if anyone can pull through it, it's you.  Love you so much. 


    Lisa, we talked about finances to a certain degree before (we had to at one point, but that's a story for not on the internet) but it was pretty surface level stuff.  It's weird, D has taken on a couple of my bills - I'm on his cell phone plan and we just moved me to his insurance (auto) and I'm not sure why I don't like the feeling of it.  We have separate bank accounts so I do an auto deposit into his every paycheck and will increase it to cover the cell & insurance too so technically I'm still paying for them.  I think it's because I was on my own for so long that it's hard to turn over control to someone else for even something as little as a cell phone bill. 

    Like others, there were not a lot of surprises after we got married because we had been together and lived together so long before hand but there are moments when I struggle (again, probably the independence/dependent thing).  On the upside though, D is so much mushier than I expected him to be since we got married.  I'm not sure if I told you guys but the first time he told me he loved me was the night he proposed and although he still doesn't say it every day he does say it often and I melt every time he does. 

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  • Thanks you guys... Cry 

    As far as money conversations go, we were pretty open about that before we got married.  When we moved in together we got a joint banking account, and  I suggested we share our credit reports with each other.  He had never actually pulled his own report before, so that was fun (sarcasm).  We discuss the bills regularly though and I'm kindof a money-nazi, hehe... I charged a 99cent app on his iTunes account (linked to his own debit card) so I called him to tell him.  He was like "um, why are you telling me this? it's a dollar."  But I would have been PO'd if the situation had been reversed and he didnt at least give me the heads up.  Oh well, that's why I am in charge of the monies!
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  •  I hope you ladies don't mind me jumping into the conversation, I know I'm still kind of a "newbie" - but I've been reading back to catch up on the posts!

     I'd have to say our first year has been tough but in a way not really related to getting married. Shortly after the wedding I got slammed with bad news on the family front - my Dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer, my brother admitted to having a drug addiction, and my grandmother passed away. It was hard and really weird because I had days where I'd think to myself "I just got married - I'm supposed to be on Cloud 9!" but given the circumstances I was down in the dumps for a few months. It was the first time our "for better or worse" vow was tested and luckily Dh was right there beside me for everything. Things are better now and I don't mean to sound like a negative Nancy! Nobody's life is perfect and I thank God for everyday. I do feel very blessed. It was just interesting to navigate all of that along with being a Newlywed.
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  • I think I'm in between. It hasn't been an easy year by any means but if this is as hard as it gets that I'm still feeling pretty good about that. Most of it revolves around each of our work stresses and trying to get support from each other at home without taking it out on each other. There have been fights and tears but in the end we are have more good times than bad and everyone tells us we are great together.
    To be honest, I'm not sure if that means we are just putting on a really good front in public though. But like we explained to a much younger friend good relationships do have their fights and arguments but its quickly moving past them, stronger for it, that means you are really menat to be together.
    I'm hoping things are smoother for the next year and many to come.

  • gundy21gundy21 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited March 2012
    J and are firmly believe that if a couple doesn't have disagreements from time to time (and some will be bigger than others) - that at least one person in the realationship isn't being honest.  I think that is worse than a spat of any sort.  Key is to deal with them promptly and thoughtfully, and to learn from the situation and not let it happen again.  We did a lot of that this past year.
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  • Wow MrsC that had to be hard to deal with all at once with your family!

    P and I have arguments too and it is mainly out of frustration about finances. He doesn't like talking about money but we have to and it gets him worked up and then I go on the defensive. But after we get everything on the table we are cool again. It is just one of those things we are working on to communicate better with each other. No one has the perfect relationship it is just being there for each other when things get tough that makes it work.
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  • I don't know why my post looks so weird...I tried to fix it and it made it worse!  Sorry!
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  • edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_april-2011-weddings_poll-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:644Discussion:15f2d7cd-3997-4562-aea1-706ebd7009dbPost:ef874875-e15c-4e4f-a2bd-b683a270b129">Poll!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know about you guys, but right before we got married everyone kept saying "the first year is the hardest." Now that we're approaching the one year mark, I gotta know: was the first year tough for you? Any comments on the first year thus far?
    Posted by corkietn[/QUOTE]

    Nothing's really different now that we're married.  We  have kids, but we could've had them without getting married, although I was completely against the idea.  We've got the same problems we used to have and all the same benefits with the addition of tax stuff.  I really don't see what the big deal is between being married and being unmarried but cohabitating for years.
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