MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"

BriZekas · March 2010

So, my MoH contacted me the other day to tell me that she thought I was a B*tch for not inviting her brother (and his girlfriend) to the wedding. She even offered to buy a bigger better gift for us if we invited them! When i asked her why she would even ask me that she said "well, you've known him for a long time and you probably know him better than your fiance". I havent seen this kid in probably 11 years and had nothing to do with him before then other than seeing him occasionally when I was over at her place. Don't think I ever even really talked to him....
She is now really angry with me and not speaking to me for (1) not inviting him and (2) questioning her on why she would even ask.

Frustrated as hell and wondering how to handle this with her - since she IS my MoH.

This is not the first time she's done something worthy of me "firing her" either... she 1. ruined my upcoming shower surprise by telling me all the secrets and games my Aunt (the hostess) planned; 2. refuses to throw a "bachelorette" because she doesn't think I need one; 3. refuses to co-host a buck & doe because she doesn't want to spend the time or money planning it; 4. didn't help with invitations when I asked her to do simple tasks multiple times; 5. thinks the theme, colours and entire event I've planned for my wedding is "kinda stupid".

Sory - just ranting cuz I'm starting to (Yes, just starting to) get fed up with it....

nhelene · March 2010

Keep in mind: it is not your MOH's obligation to throw you a shower or a bachelorette party or help you with your invites.

But other than that she does sound like she's being kind of a snot.

nda_roxybabe · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:3da72d46-6909-4ea1-bf72-ed4ab06caf87">MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]So, my MoH contacted me the other day to tell me that she thought I was a B*tch for not inviting her brother (and his girlfriend) to the wedding. She even offered to buy a bigger better gift for us if we invited them! When i asked her why she would even ask me that she said "well, you've known him for a long time and you probably know him better than your fiance". I havent seen this kid in probably 11 years and had nothing to do with him before then other than seeing him occasionally when I was over at her place. Don't think I ever even really talked to him.... She is now really angry with me and not speaking to me for (1) not inviting him and (2) questioning her on why she would even ask. Frustrated as hell and wondering how to handle this with her - since she IS my MoH. This is not the first time she's done something worthy of me "firing her" either... she 1. ruined my upcoming shower surprise by telling me all the secrets and games my Aunt (the hostess) planned; 2. refuses to throw a "bachelorette" because she doesn't think I need one; 3. refuses to co-host a buck & doe because she doesn't want to spend the time or money planning it; 4. didn't help with invitations when I asked her to do simple tasks multiple times; 5. thinks the theme, colours and entire event I've planned for my wedding is "kinda stupid". Sory - just ranting cuz I'm starting to (Yes, just starting to) get fed up with it....
Posted by BriZekas[/QUOTE]

Ooh so I was feeling bad for you and thinking your MOH was being a brat up until you started complaining about her "duties" and potentially "firing" her.
1. That sucks that she ruined the shower, that was wrong of her.
2. She doesn't HAVE TO throw you a party, maybe she can't afford it?
3. Obviously she can't afford the extra expense? What do you mean by buck and doe? What is that?
4. She doesn't have to help you with invites- thats not her job.
5. That sucks, thats not her say.

kikibaby · March 2010

She sounds like a turd, but she doesn't have to help you with anything.

Regardless, you can't "fire" her. You asked her to be your MOH knowing how she is (I doubt she JUST became this big of a turd), so you've gotta deal with her.

BriZekas · March 2010

I appreciate your comments!

I do understand that she has no obligation to throw a party (though for the record, its definitely not a financial thing as she earns almost twice as much as I do) - however it doesn't give her the right to be a brat about everything else.

It wasn't so much the list of things that got to me, but more her general attitude toward my wedding - she just doesn't care, and she thinks it's stupid to get married to begin with! Everything I do for the wedding gets odd looks and negative comments.

I guess I'm just having doubts about having asked her to be my MoH.

Oh and a "buck and doe" is like a bachelor & bachelorette put together that typically the wedding party hosts in the couples honor. It was something our BM brought up as he wanted to host one, but the MoH had no interest in it and he can't do it alone.

nda_roxybabe · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:ab339c08-796a-4304-a3ae-aac4fb8927ad">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]I appreciate your comments! :) I do understand that she has no obligation to throw a party (though for the record, its definitely not a financial thing as she earns almost twice as much as I do) - however it doesn't give her the right to be a brat about everything else. It wasn't so much the list of things that got to me, but more her general attitude toward my wedding - she just doesn't care, and she thinks it's stupid to get married to begin with! Everything I do for the wedding gets odd looks and negative comments. I guess I'm just having doubts about having asked her to be my MoH. Oh and a "buck and doe" is like a bachelor & bachelorette put together that typically the wedding party hosts in the couples honor. It was something our BM brought up as he wanted to host one, but the MoH had no interest in it and he can't do it alone.
Posted by BriZekas[/QUOTE]
Well she is definitely being a brat.
Do not assume that just because she makes more she has extra money to throw around.
Buck & Doe is not a money raising type of party is it?

nhelene · March 2010

Why can't the Best Man host the "Buck and Doe" by himself? If it's money he can scale it down. If it's extra help he could talk to someone other than the MOH.

LoveBugBaby · March 2010

And you picked her to be your MOH, why?? I couldn't ever imagine my MOH, who is my best friend, to ever act so childish and demand people to be invited to my wedding.

Yeah, it sucks things haven't gone the way you imagined them to. I guess I can't imagine the way you feel because my MOH has gone above and beyond without me ever asking a thing of her -- but again, that is why she's my best friend, she WANTS to do these things for me! Just as I'll do for her when her time comes!

While I sort of agree with the other girls saying it's not her "duty" to do those things for you, I kind of feel like your MOH should "want" to do those things for you, so I see why you're disappointed that yours seems to care less. But since you can't turn back now, you need to accept the fact that this is the way things have panned out for you, and you can't get mad at your MOH for not doing those things now. If she's going to be so rude as to be mad at you for not inviting her brother, you need to sit her down and remind her that weddings cost money, and that you can't possibly invite everyone you've known all your life and different times. If she can't respect you and your decision, then I say get some new friends!

BriZekas · March 2010

Thanks Lindsy.

I know I have to sit down with her and talk things through. Just - you know sometimes how you get to the point where you'd just rather ignore it to see if it goes away instead? That's where I am now.

Thanks for the comments everyone. It made me realize that (1) maybe I was overreacting a bit and (2) the best thing to do is force her to talk to me and get through this. Your'e right, she IS my MoH and with only a couple months to go there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

Appreciate your help!

sphinx24 · March 2010

"Buck & Doe is not a money raising type of party is it?"

yes the buck and doe is typically a fundraiser for a wedding. You usually pay a ticket price 20-50 dollars and then you play poker and games, again which you typically pay for with most of the proceeds going to the bride and groom. There's food and music and drinks . . a party that you pay to attend.

They are pretty common where i live in Canada . . eh.

lisarose7 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:c7a000b7-379a-4601-98c7-a1aca90e076f">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : Ooh so I was feeling bad for you and thinking your MOH was being a brat up until you started complaining about her "duties" and potentially "firing" her. 1. That sucks that she ruined the shower, that was wrong of her. 2. She doesn't HAVE TO throw you a party, maybe she can't afford it? 3. Obviously she can't afford the extra expense? What do you mean by buck and doe? What is that? 4. She doesn't have to help you with invites- thats not her job. 5. That sucks, thats not her say.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

This, almost word-for-word

lisarose7 · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:fc261a8d-198e-4569-ba4c-7eab52b3464b">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : That's a little unnecessary. Traditions vary for different geographic locations. If it's not considered "tacky" in her area and is actually a common and looked forward to event, then why shouldn't she and her FI have one? You shouldn't judge. It's not like somoene you know is doing it.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

It's still tacky, but since she's not throwing it herself I think we can cut her some slack.

Angelamama · March 2010

While I agree with PPs that the MOH is not OBLIGATED to do those things, but I've been in a few weddings and I have always WANTED to help out after I accepted their request to be in their bridal party. If she's your MOH I'm assuming you're pretty close, so what kind of friend wouldn't want to help out on your wedding day? Besides the lack of effort, her insulting your ideas and demanding you invite her brother is rude. She also seems like she's being awfully childish for giving you the silent treatment for refusing to give in, even though she wouldn't give in to the few things you have asked her to help out with.

psichick · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:fc261a8d-198e-4569-ba4c-7eab52b3464b">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : That's a little unnecessary. Traditions vary for different geographic locations. If it's not considered "tacky" in her area and is actually a common and looked forward to event, then why shouldn't she and her FI have one? You shouldn't judge. It's not like somoene you know is doing it.
Posted by xoxob[/QUOTE]

seriously? in what world is it ever ok to have a fundraiser and CHARGE people to play games so you can have your pretty princess day? that's about as tacky and selfish as it gets. i don't care where she's from, it's ridiculous. if you're old enough to get married, pay for it your damn self.

and ps - canada has nothing to do with it, i'm not blaming our friends to the north for the "tradition"

xoxob · March 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:84f22b91-4ffe-4337-946c-22592fcad4af">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : seriously? in what world is it ever ok to have a fundraiser and CHARGE people to play games so you can have your pretty princess day? that's about as tacky and selfish as it gets. i don't care where she's from, it's ridiculous. if you're old enough to get married, pay for it your damn self. and ps - canada has nothing to do with it, i'm not blaming our friends to the north for the "tradition"
Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

If it's what you're accustomed to, then it's not tacky. Buck and Does (thrown by people other than the engaged couple) are looked forward to by friends of the bride and groom. People get excited about them and look forward to attending, so no one is being forced into paying for anything.

Also, I'm not paying for my wedding, I guess that means I'm not old enough to get married.

riverjib · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:08d8ca88-8fe3-4fe6-99fa-11a86f16f806">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]So - on a side note, I kind of liked the idea of a Buck & Doe. They're a lot of fun and where I'm from (a small town) often the whole town shows up and it's quite the party! Not that we wanted one for the financial benefit, but moreso to get everyone together and party! Plus, my dad's a firefighter and the fire department was really looking forward to coming out! LOL - come on, gorgeous firefighters; who wouldn't want that?! Re: the shower - I didn't have my invite before she got hers. When she was telling me about all the stuff that was on hers she neglected to note that it said "Keep this part a secret" on her invite until she was done. I didn't realize that my invite didn't say any of this until I got it and it was blank aside from date/time/theme/location. I chose her as my MoH as I've known her my whole life. Up until it got closer to the wedding, she was estatic about being in the WP and helping out. She was rediculously awesome when I got engaged. In the last few months though, as it has gotten closer, she has expressed less and less interest in doing anything for the wedding. While I KNOW it's not her responsiblity to do anything, when I ask for help, she could at least ACT interested. What friend wouldn't? Especially one you've asked to play such a huge role in your day? THAT's what is bugging me the most about all of this. I am finding it hard to address with her that I would expect her to be interested in the wedding, and to be positive about it, and I don't think that's asking too much!
Posted by BriZekas[/QUOTE]

I'll be honest. I felt sorry for you in the first part of your OP and wondered why you chose her as your MOH, but the rest of your post made me think that you two sounded like a matched set. Yes, she should be more excited to play a huge role in your big day, and her behavior sounds crappy, but I can't help wondering if you said or did anything to bring out the worst in her. Have you talked to her about any of this? Choosing a MOH is the adult equivalent of naming someone your "best friend," so you should feel comfortable enough with her to hash this out. Regardless, you can't "fire her," and you have to deal with her now.

katielea2 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:1e62c483-adbe-45c6-806c-304bc1527bda">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : Yup, you're a bitch. IT is incredibly rude and tacky to email a list of "duties" she shouldn't have duties. Rude, rude. Sure, she probably said it was fine, she was being nice.
Posted by nda_roxybabe[/QUOTE]

That's fine...your opinion really doesn't matter to me. Yes, I am a bitch, but I do what needs to be done. Oh yeah, she asked for the list because she wasn't sure what she needed to do, and I found a list on TheKnot and emailed it to her.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:9d11e9c8-04eb-48c9-bf24-72c71d4a03ca">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe I'm just a little mean or a bigger bitch than most, <strong>but I would not stand for my MOH to act this way.</strong> No, it's not her job to throw the parties and things, but everything you read says its their duty. Your MoH should be willing to help you in any way. She should be there to make your day easier and the time spent planning easier too! I actually emailed my MoH her list of "duties" and she was ok with all of it. If my MoH had any problems with money, she would ask my step-mom to help decorate or whatever. As for inviting the brother, I wouldn't. Its YOUR wedding and really you should be doing what you want to do! I guess after talking to her, if she still has the same attitude...I'd tell her that she's a bridesmaid and I would promote one of the bridesmaids that willing to help more. MoH is an honor!
Posted by katielea2[/QUOTE]

I agree with this statement if you replace "MOH" with "friend," because clearly this is a friend issue, and there is some disrespecting going on here. But katielea, your reasoning about the BM "duties" and promoting someone who is willing to help more is terrible. Bestowing the "honor" of being an MOH on someone does not then obligate them to turn into your employee.

Just because a list of suggested responsibilities is on The Knot doesn't mean it should be used as a definitive checklist for your friends getting their "tasks" done. They are people too, and believe me, no one except you cares as much about the "honor" of standing up with you that day. Don't abuse that and treat your friends as though they are expendable. What would your grandma think about this?

katielea2 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:1572a88d-e597-4646-9c5d-d447d26a419a">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : I agree with this statement if you replace "MOH" with "friend," because clearly this is a friend issue, and there is some disrespecting going on here. But katielea, your reasoning about the BM "duties" and promoting someone who is willing to help more is terrible. Bestowing the "honor" of being an MOH on someone does not then obligate them to turn into your employee. Just because a list of suggested responsibilities is on The Knot doesn't mean it should be used as a definitive checklist for your friends getting their "tasks" done. They are people too, and believe me, no one except you cares as much about the "honor" of standing up with you that day. Don't abuse that and treat your friends as though they are expendable. <strong>What would your grandma think about this?
</strong>Posted by beatlesgirl25[/QUOTE]

My grandmother said that as a MoH there are certain things they should do and help you. Not that they have to but be willing to if you needed them. My MoH asked for a list of what MoH should do. I didn't say she had to do everything on there, but she is hosting a bridal shower, and she's putting together the bachelorette party, not b/c i told her but b/c she wanted too. Shes been talking about since I got engaged last year. My whole family will tell you the same thing I have, that's where I'm getting my information from. I think if you are in the bridal party in any way, you should WANT to help in any way.

beatlesgirl25 · April 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_moh-suggesting-invite-her-brother-his-gf-wedding-because-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:d2cd3cab-3392-4c51-a347-20d99d6f917dPost:d43876d1-f50f-47f6-b242-ff890963cce1">Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: MoH suggesting that I invite her brother and his gf to the wedding "because I know him" : My grandmother said that as a MoH there are certain things they should do and help you. Not that they have to but be willing to if you needed them. My MoH asked for a list of what MoH should do. I didn't say she had to do everything on there, but she is hosting a bridal shower, and she's putting together the bachelorette party, not b/c i told her but b/c she wanted too. Shes been talking about since I got engaged last year. My whole family will tell you the same thing I have, that's where I'm getting my information from. I think if you are in the bridal party in any way, you should WANT to help in any way.
Posted by katielea2[/QUOTE]

Your previous post had a different attitude. Talking about how your MOH "should be there to make your day easier" and that you'd "promote" another BM to MOH who was willing to do the work just sounds like your perspective on this is off, and that you do in fact view your WP in terms of what they can do for you. If what you say is true and your MOH is just happy and willing to initiate all these wedding activities for you, then that's great and you're a lucky bride. But it doesn't mean that, if an MOH isn't chomping at the bit to throw your parties, she should be demoted. Many BMs aren't super excited to immerse themselves in the role of being in someone else's wedding.

Finally, I think the onus is on the bride to be wise in choosing her wedding party. Far too often on here I see brides who pick their BMs a year out instead of waiting until closer to the wedding, then are surprised when they find that the friendship is not as great as they thought or the BM doesn't like their FI. Or that their friends don't measure up to their ideal, eager wedding party member. Then the bright idea of "firing" WP members comes up because they picked a bunch of people too early. It just seems that 98% of the time, this is a preventable situation, and it's no excuse to treat your friends this way because of your poor planning.

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