Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?

Knottie_22383006 · March 2013

Me and my finance we not planning to get married until late 2014, or early 2015. But he recently got a job in texas, and will be moving this August. I wanted to go with, of course, but our parents want us to be married before we move in together (understandable). They suggested just having a small family wedding before we move, but honestly, I am not ready for all of that yet, for I am only 20 years old. Currently we live in Arizona, and their marriage licenses are valid for 1 year. So we were thinking that we could leagally get married in the courthouse before we leave, and then have our actual wedding(also in AZ) within the next year. Thoughts on this? is it confusing for people? or is it a common thing to do?

Brittany893 · March 2013

Me and my finance we not planning to get married until late 2014, or early 2015. But he recently got a job in texas, and will be moving this August. I wanted to go with, of course, but our parents want us to be married before we move in together (understandable). They suggested just having a small family wedding before we move, but honestly, I am not ready for all of that yet, for I am only 20 years old. Currently we live in Arizona, and their marriage licenses are valid for 1 year. So we were thinking that we could leagally get married in the courthouse before we leave, and then have our actual wedding(also in AZ) within the next year. Thoughts on this? is it confusing for people? or is it a common thing to do?

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

My cousin married his wife civilly a year before their church wedding with 2 witnesses. They did this mostly for financial reasons. They did not send an announcement, they did not publicize it, they did not consider themselves married. Exactly a year later, they had the entire wedding with church service (which was more meaningful to them), reception etc... and we all were happy for them and respectful of their decision. They consider that day their anniversary.

I don't find this rude if I get to attend the ceremony. If you do this, I would proceed discreetly.

radleyboo · March 2013

Ok, a couple of thoughts....

What are you 'not ready for'? Planning and hosting a wedding or being married? Wedding planning can be a huge undertaking, but it doesn't have to be. A small, family wedding can be simple, elegant, and meaningful. Dollar signs mean nothing when it comes to your commitment.

If you're not ready to be married, please don't worry about postponing your date until you are truly ready to do so. You are very young at the age of 20 and there is nothing wrong with taking your time and being sure this is the right man and the right time for both of you. Just a piece of advice who got married too young to the wrong person and ended up divorced.

If you do decide to go the Civil Ceremony route, that will be your wedding. Again, there's no reason a simple civil ceremony can't be just as special as a 'big do'. You get one wedding, that's it. There is nothing wrong with postponing your showers and reception for a year or so for financial and logistics reasons, but call it a 'Celebration of the Marriage' that already occurred. People can be very put off by wedding re-do's. Maybe take a read through some of the posts on the Etiquette board, it might help you some.

Good luck to you with your plans, I wish you the best!

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

Radley's point about waiting until you're ready is excellent. I was thinking about the question itself originally, but there's no reason you can't have a long engagement. You are very young and if you don't feel ready, that's totally okay.You're not obligated to get married so quickly at all!

I understand that your parents want you married, but I'm also sure they don't want you married and then divorced. You're old enough to make the decision to move and live with who you want to. Don't get married now so that your parents approve of you living together. This is your life.

handfast4me · March 2013

We had two ceremonies, but only because we here in the Bible belt, our union (Pagan) was not recognized legally by the officiants, and because in our cultural tradition, there is a trial marriage for a year and one day. That being said, I strongly encourage you to live together before marriage. If I had done that, I would never have married my first husband. It was just not apparent until we were living together (already married) that we were not compatible, and it only got worse as the years went on. We foolishly did what our parents wanted, instead of what we wanted, and we suffered for it. I have rarely regretted the things I've done, because even when it's a mistake, I've learned from it, but I have often regretted something I didn't do (in this case, live with him first).

Knottie_22383006 · March 2013

BritniLeigh, I agree with your second post completely, I'm just afraid to burn bridges. As far as keeping the civil marriage discreet, like you said in your first post, could also cause problems with my parents. But you are right, its my life and I shouldn't have to feel pressured into getting married. Thanks everyone for your replies!

MikesAngie · March 2013

As the parent of someone who will be turning 20 soon, you are correct you are not ready to be married civilly or otherwise. You will be ready when you consider the advice given but make your own decision without influential prejudice.

Our daughter (soon to be 20) takes our advice and uses it to aid in making her decision but she isn't swayed by what we want. Example: she's been in college 2 years living on campus and this summer she wants to move out of the family home and off campus. We gave her advice on how to create a budget, interview for jobs, and what bills to expect. We informed her that her 529 account will not cover rent and that rent and meals will not be tax deductable if she lives off campus. She is steadfast in her decision to move out - and we will support her decision. She dates, but isn't in a hurry to get married or co-habitate she wants to finish college and get started on her career first.

You are 20, what is the rush? Have you finished college or a trade school? What are your plans for a career? Have you traveled outside of your home state or the country? Have you lived on your own (dorms don't count)?

There is a lot that you should know about yourself and your own expectations of others before you step into what is hopefully to be a life long committment. A wedding ceremony (civil or otherwise) is just a small moment in building a life with another person. It takes compromise, it takes a broad knowledge of self, trust, understanding, compassion, honest communication, setting reasonanle boundaries and expectations.

What would happen if your FI moved without you and you did the long distance thing until you got married? Sure it won't be easy, but it will give you both time to mature a little more.

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

It's really hard to burn bridges with your parents. They might disapprove, but are they going to disown you? My best friend in high school told her parents when she was 22 that she was moving in with her boyfriend. They're majorly catholic and traditional. They were really upset, her dad turned red and left the house. They got over it and even helped her move in. They have since married and have 2 gets and everyone is delighted.

I have a friend who made a quick decision to marry his wife because they wanted to live together and her parents didn't approve of it. They are miserable. I would never marry someone that I didn't live with first. You learn so much about the person, and you also learn how you are together. Since you're so young, I imagine you're also starting to make a lot of new major decisions and minor decisions that you haven't had to do before. It's a lot to go through and experience

jennylee813 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_civil-marriage-then-wedding-1-year-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6f9f4c45-bd49-44be-bb23-17a08fc6f631Post:81e5a7c7-cf07-4a0a-b220-db35ae0a091f">Re: Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, a couple of thoughts...<strong>. What are you 'not ready for'?</strong> Planning and hosting a wedding or being married? Wedding planning can be a huge undertaking, but it doesn't have to be. A small, family wedding can be simple, elegant, and meaningful. Dollar signs mean nothing when it comes to your commitment. If you're not ready to be married, please don't worry about postponing your date until you are truly ready to do so. You are very young at the age of 20 and there is nothing wrong with taking your time and being sure this is the right man and the right time for both of you. Just a piece of advice who got married too young to the wrong person and ended up divorced. :)<strong> If you do decide to go the Civil Ceremony route, that will be your wedding. Again, there's no reason a simple civil ceremony can't be just as special as a 'big do'. You get one wedding, that's it. There is nothing wrong with postponing your showers and reception for a year or so for financial and logistics reasons, but call it a 'Celebration of the Marriage' that already occurred. People can be very put off by wedding re-do's</strong>. Maybe take a read through some of the posts on the Etiquette board, it might help you some. Good luck to you with your plans, I wish you the best!
Posted by radleyboo[/QUOTE]

Thank you for posting this response, Radley. I am also wondering what the OP isn't ready for ...

Again, you get one wedding - it's the day you get married, not the day you have a party. Sometimes it's the same day, but please don't belittle those who choose a civil ceremony. I personally like your parents idea of a small wedding before you move. You get to be married AND have a 'wedding' (by which, I assume you mean reception).

But if you're not ready for marriage, that's another matter entirely.

(I also think you should live together before marriage, but that's a personal belief. I didn't live with my ex husband before marriage, but am currently living with my FI. It's much better this way - for us.)

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

"Sometimes it's the same day, but please don't belittle those who choose a civil ceremony"

Where did she belittle people who choose a civil ceremony?"

Jells2dot0 · March 2013

She didn't outright belitte people who chose civil ceremonies, but based on her post, it's making it seem like a civil ceremony doesn't count and it's not good enough because she still wants to have a larger wedding. Personally, having been through one enormous, expensive, lavish wedding and one smaller, simple, private wedding, I'd take the smaller, private one any day of the week!

Marrin713 · March 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_civil-marriage-then-wedding-1-year-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:6f9f4c45-bd49-44be-bb23-17a08fc6f631Post:218c9f38-24a7-4463-b268-dbd548c65a23">Re: Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?</a>:
[QUOTE]She didn't outright belitte people who chose civil ceremonies, but based on her post, it's making it seem like a <strong>civil ceremony doesn't count and it's not good enough because she still wants to have a larger wedding</strong>. Personally, having been through one enormous, expensive, lavish wedding and one smaller, simple, private wedding, I'd take the smaller, private one any day of the week!
Posted by Jells2dot0[/QUOTE]

Exactly, Jells. Thanks

MuppetOverlord · March 2013

I don't think she was being belittling or negative about civil ceremonies. I think she's confused.
I took it as she doesn't understand that the civil ceremony IS the legal wedding day...ending the requirement for the license. The way it's written, I *think* she thinks that she has to have a license to have her family wedding.

Otherwise, I don't think she would've mentioned the license only being valid a year and needing to have a second one within that year.

Regarding the comments about the civil ceremony not being enough, I think it's solely about her want for a larger wedding with the dress and the cake eventually and the civil ceremony not being the primary event. I don't see how it's a statement against anyone else's choices.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_civil-marriage-then-wedding-1-year-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6f9f4c45-bd49-44be-bb23-17a08fc6f631Post:1f10a8a5-14f2-4dcd-b2c0-30c8140706ae">Re: Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?</a>:
[QUOTE]The Second Weddings board is for ladies who are remarrying after divorce or death of a spouse. Anyone is welcome to post here, but "do-over" weddings are looked upon with general disapproval. We view those as a reenactment. "We didn't get the poofy dress and the big cake, and we're missing out in life if we don't. The joy of being married isn't enough for us. We want all the presents and attention, so we're going to have two weddings, even if it means lying to our friends and family in order to do so."
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>That's a little rude IMO. I get the board is about second weddings and agree. But there are MANY reasons why one may marry and then have a formal wedding later. Your perception brings all of those who do so are acting in a selfish manner saying things like "the joy of being married isn't enough for us" that's like telling a bride why is she even having a wedding at all isn't just singing the paper infront of the JOP enough? Or that they all want gifts or attention.</div><div>
</div><div>I remember in my first marriage my ex talked me into a JOP wedding. I will say I HATED it. Yes, the day was suppose to be about us. And it was but for me, it was a day that I really wanted to share with all those I cared for and loved. The promise was that we were to still have a wedding day. A party to celebrate two people coming together as one. It wasn't about gifts it was about us sharing something with our friends and family. I never got that wedding day and always morned over it. Sure life went on but it was still something I wanted.</div><div>
</div><div>No different then having say your dream home. With my second marriage we are having a wedding. We did talk about a JOP wedding last year due to some health issues and we just flat out didn't have the funds for a wedding then. However, we figured out the doctor situation and decided to just save because he knew it was important to me to get to share this day with our family and friends. However, even if we did the JOP we still would of had our day and let me tell you it wouldn't of been about those thing you said but more so about us just getting to have a bigger offical celebration for it. I mean after I had all my babies we had a party after their birth. Why? Because sometimes things you find important you want to share with others. While there maybe some like you described please don't lump them all in one box. </div><div>
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[Deleted User] · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_civil-marriage-then-wedding-1-year-later?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:6f9f4c45-bd49-44be-bb23-17a08fc6f631Post:86e1e5a1-a491-4745-9051-22e90c770448">Re: Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?</a>:
[QUOTE]You can only marry your husband once, unless you get divorced and remarry him again. What you would be having is a vow renewal. That is not a rude statement. It is a fact. Part of being an adult is accepting choices. Lots of people can't afford to have a grand, formal wedding. They accept what they can have, and take pleasure in the act of being married. Having a dream home is different. Shelter is a necessity. You DID have a wedding day. A wedding is the act of getting married. What you did NOT have was a lavish ceremony and party. Why do you "mourn"?? You married the man you love! You survived your health issues to spend the rest of your life with him! The correct thing to do is to either get married and accept the wedding you can have at the time, whether it's due to health, a family death, lack of funds or a military deployment, or put off the wedding and wait unti you can afford the kind of ceremony and reception you want to have. You can still have a celebration with your family and friends. Have an anniversary party. The only things to skip are the poofy dress, the ceremony (since you are already married), bridal showers and bachelorette parties. You will get the celebration with your loved ones. Wearing a big white dress, riding in a limousine and having a first-dance, cake cutting and wedding party when someone is already married is not "celebrating with friends." That's getting a sense of entitlement and satisfaction for the woman who thinks she missed out on something, and is trying to get it by having a reenactment. To the ladies out there who need to get married immediately due to illness/military deployment/pregnancy/etc.: You can still have the white dress and cake, etc., with a JP wedding. JPs and judges will come to your house. Buy a wedding dress, rent one, borrow one, or wear your mother's. Get a cake. Invite some friends over. Brew a pot of coffee. Generations of women got married in their parents' parlor. You can, too. You still get friends and family present, a wedding dress, a wedding cake and even a wedding dinner and First Dance, if you wish. Costs very little money. My wedding cost less than a thousand dollars. We got married in our own backyard, with 50 people present.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I didn't get married despite of illness, the illness came with my second relationship. (Just wanted to clarify that). I morned because I felt I had to settle I was promised something that was important to me. It may not be important to you but it was to me. Call it what you want. See it how you want but just because it's how YOU personally feel doesn't make it their wedding day doesn't mean that it's not to them... Call it an anniversary, renewal it doesn't matter the name you call it and silly to get technical with names, ALL are celebrations of two people joining together. They wanted for their wedding day celebration any less even if it's not on the same day they wrote it on paper and who are you to care OR judge! It's not your day, it's not your wedding nor your life. And NO a dream house is the same thing. Why? Because I said DREAM house, you can liven in ANY house but it doesn't make it your dream house. While you may be just fine in that house that isn't your dream doesn't mean you can still wish or want *that* house. Some people are more simple than others. Some are happy to accept less and others are not. If you are happy with less that's cool. Just like a wedding you can have any wedding but it doesn't mean it's the wedding you dreamed. And no in my case I didn't get to have the white dress I will be honest I felt stupid walking into the JP in a poofy dress. It just didn't "feel" the same. We didn't have a place to have a JP come (we lived in an apartment. That was the situation. You asked what I morned. I morned over us having a day I dreamed. Nothing wrong with that, we all have dreams, some happen some don't. I wanted a day a wedding ceremony and reception not backyard shindig. (which we didn't even have a backyard) I have a different opinion on this vs you and that is fine. While you were fine with your wedding doesn't mean everyone will.
</div>

grumbledore · July 2013

Your second "wedding" wouldn't be a wedding, because you will already be married. I wouldn't get married if you aren't ready to get married. I've been to a fake wedding and everyone complained about how ridiculous it was behind the couple's back.

jlhart76 · August 2013

Going to the courthouse IS a "real wedding", I think that's where people get the idea that she's belittling civil ceremonies. If I had gone the JP route and someone else made a comment about it not being real, I'd take offense too.

I don't have as much of a hangup about reenactments, but at least have the decency to be honest about it. If I'm invited to a re do wedding, fine. But if I thought it was the actual wedding and later found out you were already married, my respect for you is gone.

amyr213 · August 2013

OP, don't listen to all this nonsense. If you choose to discreetly get legally married on paper then have a wedding (in a church or otherwise) later there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. "Marriage" means different things to different people, and we all define it differently. A marriage license will not make me feel any differently about my SO. We're not the least bit religious so when we do have a ceremony god, or no other deity, will be mentioned - will we be any less married? We'll be married when we exchange our vows to one and other in front of our friends and family at our wedding ceremony. At what point the State of Colorado recognizes our legal union doesn't interest either one of us! A lot of people have a whole lot of feelings about things that don't concern them. Unless they're paying for your celebration (call it whatever you want) their opinion means NOTHING! I loose respect when I have to go to someone's wedding, shell out on a gift then the couple ends up divorcing like 50+% of the people on this site will end up doing! I don't really, but did y'all hear how stupid that sounded? Yea, think on it! OP, If you decide you are not old enough or emotionally ready to enter in to a partnership be it legal, religious or otherwise, don't. Wait. But don't trash your dream of having a wedding with your FH bc some opinionated women on the Internet tell you not to! You probably started out with the best of intentions coming to a forum for second time brides. Many of us have enough life experience to realize that government recognition has ZERO to do with whether you're equipped to handle a marriage (and when the exact moment you are technically married). Some obviously don't. Best of luck to you!

MobKaz · August 2013

amyr213@yahoo.com said:

OP, don't listen to all this nonsense. If you choose to discreetly get legally married on paper then have a wedding (in a church or otherwise) later there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all. "Marriage" means different things to different people, and we all define it differently. A marriage license will not make me feel any differently about my SO. We're not the least bit religious so when we do have a ceremony god, or no other deity, will be mentioned - will we be any less married? We'll be married when we exchange our vows to one and other in front of our friends and family at our wedding ceremony. At what point the State of Colorado recognizes our legal union doesn't interest either one of us! A lot of people have a whole lot of feelings about things that don't concern them. Unless they're paying for your celebration (call it whatever you want) their opinion means NOTHING! I loose respect when I have to go to someone's wedding, shell out on a gift then the couple ends up divorcing like 50+% of the people on this site will end up doing! I don't really, but did y'all hear how stupid that sounded? Yea, think on it! OP, If you decide you are not old enough or emotionally ready to enter in to a partnership be it legal, religious or otherwise, don't. Wait. But don't trash your dream of having a wedding with your FH bc some opinionated women on the Internet tell you not to! You probably started out with the best of intentions coming to a forum for second time brides. Many of us have enough life experience to realize that government recognition has ZERO to do with whether you're equipped to handle a marriage (and when the exact moment you are technically married). Some obviously don't. Best of luck to you!

If the OP chooses to "legally marry", then she IS married. She cannot have a "wedding" later, because SHE IS ALREADY MARRIED. If you mean she should marry, and then have an after party, or celebration, at a later date, then you are correct. But it cannot be a wedding. If you are encouraging her to be "discreet" (by which you mean LIE) to have a fake wedding, a re-do wedding, or a PPD, then "life experience" should tell you that lying is wrong, as is your advice to the OP.

ETA: Life experience also should tell you to never use your email address on a public internet site.

amyr213 · August 2013

@Mobkaz

What part of the word "wedding" are you confused about? Were you aware that one can have a "wedding" and NOT be legally "married" right then or ever? Getting married and having a wedding are two completely different things and you can absolutely have one without the other. My two best friends for example went to Mexico and had a "wedding" chock full of flowers, and dresses and vows! When they got home they were planning to file the paperwork in our state bc the legal requirements for visitors in Mexico is a royal pain. They forgot. Legally, they are still not married. If they break up, the state isn't going to grant them a divorce regardless of how many times they show their wedding pictures to the magistrate! Being discreet and lying are two different things also. No one owes the rest of the world an explanation about how exactly they file their taxes or are listed on legal documents. She can tell her closest friends and family then have a wedding ceremony (religious or otherwise) later. Or ten if she wants because she's paying. Or none. Or she can not tell them ever because her legal marital status is not of anyone else's concern. Doubtful you've been to too many gay weddings, but they're weddings all the same, regardless of whether the state they're taking place in gives legal status to the union or not. As for my email address, I clearly don't care. What, if I keep my email address off The Knot I'll suddenly stop getting spam from lonely housewives, various male enhancement companies and Christian Mingle? (Face palm) If I had only known!

MobKaz · August 2013

amyr213@yahoo.com said:

@Mobkaz

What part of the word "wedding" are you confused about? Were you aware that one can have a "wedding" and NOT be legally "married" right then or ever? Getting married and having a wedding are two completely different things and you can absolutely have one without the other. My two best friends for example went to Mexico and had a "wedding" chock full of flowers, and dresses and vows! When they got home they were planning to file the paperwork in our state bc the legal requirements for visitors in Mexico is a royal pain. They forgot. Legally, they are still not married. If they break up, the state isn't going to grant them a divorce regardless of how many times they show their wedding pictures to the magistrate! Being discreet and lying are two different things also. No one owes the rest of the world an explanation about how exactly they file their taxes or are listed on legal documents. She can tell her closest friends and family then have a wedding ceremony (religious or otherwise) later. Or ten if she wants because she's paying. Or none. Or she can not tell them ever because her legal marital status is not of anyone else's concern. Doubtful you've been to too many gay weddings, but they're weddings all the same, regardless of whether the state they're taking place in gives legal status to the union or not. As for my email address, I clearly don't care. What, if I keep my email address off The Knot I'll suddenly stop getting spam from lonely housewives, various male enhancement companies and Christian Mingle? (Face palm) If I had only known!

Stupid old, resurrected threads......

amyr213 · August 2013

That I'll agree with you on. I have no earthly idea what I'm doing on a wedding advice message board. I'm going to convince the ignorant and I don't need advice. Piss off.

amyr213 · August 2013

*I'm NOT going to convince the ignorant. The fact that I don't need advice and the piss off still stands.

MobKaz · August 2013

amyr213@yahoo.com said:

That I'll agree with you on. I have no earthly idea what I'm doing on a wedding advice message board. I'm going to convince the ignorant and I don't need advice. Piss off.

And, the fact that you cannot even navigate a simple message board and an "edit" button serves to prove your point.

NYCMercedes · August 2013

Team @mobkaz!

Civil marriage, then wedding 1 year later?

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