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September 2011 Weddings

making MOH feel included..? yikes, it got long. sorry.

I'm needing you ladies as a sounding board! 

My MOH was over on Saturday night and we were talking about the wedding.  She seemed to be a little upset because she hasn't been included on the actual booking of vendors for the wedding and ive been spending a little bit more time with one of my other BM's who is going through a divorce.  However, MOH feels that I am doing wedding planning with this BM, even though i'm not!

FI and I have booked the venue (which I brought MOH to after we booked it), Ceremony Music (which I picked online), and photographer, and videographer.  Should I have included her in on some of these during the booking phase?  I thought these vendors were more for FI and I to pick out -- but she seems to feel that she should have been involved somehow too?  She is saying she just wants to be helpful and I kindly replied that I haven't done too much really because we still have so much time to get started and start picking things, and I promised her that I haven't done anything wedding-detail related. 

I thought that answer would have settled it, but then she brought it up again and was like "well if you want BM to be your MOH, I won't be offended, it seems like you are planning with her..." and we haven't done any planning whatsoever together!  Now I feel almost compelled to get started on other stuff so her and I can do it together, even though i'd rather wait because I haven't decided on a heck of a whole lot of detail.

I will be honest and say that i've fallen off the radar this summer a little bit because 1 - we moved to a house which is now 40 min away from MOH's house, 2 - the transition of FI and I living together has been a little rough, manageable -- but rough, 3 - we got a puppy which requires a lot of time and dedication, and 4 -- shes a teacher and has off all summer, where I have a 8-5 job, where my commute is now 1.5 hours to work and 1.5 hours home from work.  Ive been busy and not hanging out as much -- but not intentionally.  I've tried to explain all of this to her -- but I think her real focus was that I was doing wedding stuff with BM. 

I don't know how to put MOH at ease.

Re: making MOH feel included..? yikes, it got long. sorry.

  • i think you tell her exactly what you just told us.
    tell her that honestly...you havent done much aside from what you and your FI have booked together. 
    i know EXACTLY what you mean about moving in w/ FI and having a puppy as well.  its A LOT of change all at once and you're allowed to get through it all in your own way. 

    just tell her...."i will definitely be needing your help soon and i really appreciate the fact that you want to be involved."  then you should re-assure her that you are happy with your choice to make her MOH and you do not want to change it.

    maybe start talking about dresses/fashion soon.  this way you guys can start looking and brainstorm.  that will get some conversations going for sure!

    i will say...its VERY sweet that she wants to be more involved.  (as long as she doesnt get to the point where she's MOHzilla).  its better than having an MOH that is not involved at all.  just start emailing her random crap!  also...have you started your FB group?  its working great with my girls.  i post pictures and information.  recent news, etc.  and they love it b/c they are all involved...

  • oh...also...to answer your question:  i dont think she "should have" been involved in booking your venue/photog/etc.  its really a choice between you and FI.  maybe if you guys were having a hard time and needed help making a decision...her help may have been needed.  but if you guys can do things on your own...thats great!  why bring in another opinion if its not necessary? 
    you know what they say about too many cooks in the kitchen....
  • I think this is probably less about her wanting to be involved in wedding planning and more of her feeling the distance with what's been going on (which, btw isn't your fault at all!).  I would just let her know that you really haven't done much wedding planning at all, with anyone!  Let her know that once things settle down, you will definitely be knocking down her door needing help with details!

    I do believe vendors should be FI & you only (unless of course, you have others contributing to the day financially) but smaller details are definitely MOH helping items!!
  • Agree with PP.  Most of the big vendor decisions I think should be made by you and FI.  Just have a talk with her and let her know that as soon as you're ready to do some DIY stuff you'll be sure to include her.  GL! HTH!
    Hitched! 09.30.11
  • I will give you the same advice for what I did with my FMIL who was feeling left out of the wedding planning- give her a specific task to take care (maybe find some bridesmaids dresses? shoes? a salon or hair and make up for the bridal party? favors?) Then she can feel like she is a part of the process.

    No, your MOH should not be going to meet with photographers and vendors in general. That would be weird.
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  • edited August 2010
    Mere - you read my mind! I was gonna suggest the same thing.

    You could give her a task of some kind to help her feel more involved. Something like a DIY project that she may be good at. I know one of my BM's is really good at calligraphy so I will probably ask her to help address envelopes or something. Just make sure she knows her help is wanted with the wedding..but certain things (like meeting with vendors) are meant for just you and your FI.
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  • giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllll

    your MOH and my "MOH" need to pow wow...I totally get what you are going through except my MOH has been pretty extreme....

    i personally feel the vendors are for you and your fi to pick out...i mean if you are stuck and need an opinion yeah ask, if not then no reason to...

    my rational right now is that we need to pick someone the fi and i like, sure we have our parents weigh in on some of the big stuff...but even that we are talking 6 different opinions sometimes to get on the same page and that is tough let alone adding others!

    wish i could give you better advise but my "MOH" is still getting to me and she is starting to wear on the fi - i have told her when i need help i promise to ask, but so far - i haven't needed the help.

    maybe remind her that the MOH is not a job...it's an honor given to the person closest to you?

    big hugs for you - you want to vent feel free i may need to vent again soon too!
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  • thanks ladies! you hit the nail on the head... i thought it was kinda strange that she felt she needed to be apart of the vendor stuff...  perhaps she just felt she was losing me to BM?  Totally not the case though, i love them both!
  • Ive had issues with one of my BM feeling all left out. She lives 6 hours away and cant make it here as much and feels like I dont give her enough notice(Im totally the type of person to wake up in the morning and be like "who wants to come dress shopping today") So to keep her involved Ive been making sure to send out emails(we can never figure out a time to both get on the phone togehter) every week to let her know what Ive been planning, what Ive booked, and any little opinion questions I have for her. Its been keeping her in the loop which has seemed to help!

    Hang in there, the decisions are for you & FI, bridesmaids and MOH are there for support
  • I agree..  I wouldn't have my MOH help with the vendors.  She did however come with my parents and FI to taste cupcakes.  But she's also my sister. 

    I think dress shopping and such will help ease the situation.  GL
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