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What to do about a bridesmaid?

crlyredheadcrlyredhead
First Comment
in Wedding Party
Ok, I iwll try not to make this too long and I hope i do not come off as sounding like a bridezilla or a diva.  

I worked for a company for 3 years and during that time I became very close with one of my co-workers. I used to refer to her as my work spouse. I left the company in June to take on a position that was a promotion. She remained there. 

Now, I made two mistakes when I got engaged. One, I texted my work spouse. She in turn told everyone at the office I got engaged before I got in that Monday. Basically she stole my thunder. Fine, no big deal. I was a bit hurt but, OK. The second was at the time, I asked her to be in the wedding.as a bridesmaid. Little did I know she would turn on me after I left the office.

Since I left she has trashed my work, has canceled on lunches and happy hours (she lives 25 miles away and I would have to make the trip to her); she has accused me of trashing her husband's business (he works for a Toyota dealership owned by a large conglomerate and I complained on FB about  the Nissan dealership under that conglomerate's umbrella), and accused me of being a drama queen for being upset over vandalism done to my car due to the bumper stickers I had on it.  Lately, she won't even answer my emails.

So here is the thing, I am about to launch our wedding website and she is not listed in the wedding party.  I would still like her to attend the wedding but, after her actions I really do not feel she should be in the wedding. I can't seem to get her to respond to me so I can talk to her about this woman to woman.  What should I do?
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Re: What to do about a bridesmaid?

  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    Are you ready to end the friendship? Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship ending move, but from the sound things, you wouldn't mind that too much. She sounds kind of coo coo and insensitive (though I don't think she necessarily meant to steal your thunder by telling people about your engagement). 

    I definitely think you guys need to have a frank discussion, but if she won't reply to you then that would prove difficult. Just keep trying a few more times to call and email her, and then at least you extended the olive branch. After that, if still no reply, I think I'd write her off. 

    If your relationship has becomed that strained, I think she will remove herself from the WP. She probably does not expect to be in the WP any longer, really. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • crlyredheadcrlyredhead
    First Comment
    Thunder probably wasn't the correct word to use. I guess I was hoping to be able to share the good news myself as opposed to having it announced for me. It was a bit disappointing, but I was far from devestated over it. 
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment

    While I agree with the others that this might be the time to let your friendship lapse, I also disagree that you shouldn't be disappointed to tell everyone of your engagement. It's a big deal, and she definitely stole that moment from you. Who doesn't like to brag a little when given the opportunity? :)

    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:745e50bf-2e4c-4400-ac78-5e223e617c20Post:21eee462-553b-45a6-acd6-c835cb39ebe0">Re: What to do about a bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I agree with em.  It sounds like the friendship is pretty much over.  If that's fine with you, I'd just not try to contact her anymore and if she wants to maintain the friendship, she'll come to you. The only thing I rolled my eyes at was the line about 'stealing your thunder.'  <strong>You are not Thor; there is no thunder to steal.</strong>  Believe me, the sooner you understand that, the better.  And on your wedding day, the focus will be on you and your new H so don't worry about being the center of attention from here on out.
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    This made me laugh!  (but not necessarily at you OP)

    OP--I completely agree with PP's on this one as well.

    ETA:  after reading your last post, I totally understand that YOU wanted to be the one to share the news and not her.  It is an exciting time when you are engaged to announce it to everyone and show off your bling. 

     

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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    Yeah, I don't know this lady from Adam, but she probably just wanted to share the good news and didn't think anything of it. I think that's just something you have to deal with since you told her and it's over and done with now. Trust me, in the grand scheme of things that is to come with your wedding planning and discussions, it will soon be forgotten. Things 10x more important (and something likely more annoying) are bound to come up. 
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • crlyredheadcrlyredhead
    First Comment
    MSUPrincess, are you a Michigan State Grad?
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  • em01092em01092 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-19?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:745e50bf-2e4c-4400-ac78-5e223e617c20Post:15814952-7355-4ff7-b785-8e3b3bc461a4">Re: What to do about a bridesmaid?</a>:
    [QUOTE]While I agree with the others that this might be the time to let your friendship lapse, I also disagree that you shouldn't be disappointed to tell everyone of your engagement. It's a big deal, and she definitely stole that moment from you. Who doesn't like to brag a little when given the opportunity? :)
    Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>But what can she do about it now? It's water under the bridge, and saying anything about it to the BM/friend in question would be a) pointless and b) make her look petty. "I'm upset because you told everyone about my engagement! <strong><u>I</u></strong> wanted to do that!" See what I mean? If OP wants to save the friendship, I don't think this is a smart move. I mean sure, be annoyed all you want, but I wouldn't say anything about it, and like I said, waaaay bigger things, both good and probably bad, are likely to happen that make this completely NBD. 

    </div>
    April Siggy Challenge-Wedding Escape: Reading HG/dreaming about Peeta.... Image and video hosting by TinyPic Wedding Countdown Ticker Bio-Updated 4/22**
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  • crlyredheadcrlyredhead
    First Comment
    Sorry I mentioned the part about the engagement. Geez, I didn't think it would create the stiir it has.  What I most upset about is how she had treated me since I left the office. This is someone I really trusted and thought was a true friend. I supported every cause she raised money for, treated her kids as if they were my nephew and nieces.  I really went out of my way to be there for her when she was going through some difficutl times. The trashing, the accusations, the lack of response to my extending an olive branch, that is what is most upsetting. 
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  • banana468banana468 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    Have you spoken to her directly about things?

    I think all of these circumstances seem to be extremely passive-aggressive.  From trashing a place on FB that won't read your status, to commenting via FB or in email (and even vandalizing a car over disliking the bumper stickers), all smack of not being able to confront someone face to face.

    So talk to her.  Ask her how things are going.  But if you just don't put her in the wedding party, you're continuing the passive-aggressive situation that seems to be what's irritated you from the start.  That's only going to stir up more drama.
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  • OBX2011OBX2011 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    How many times have you attempted to talk to her about this?  You say that she isn't responding.  Just curious if that's based on 1-2 text messages or several calls, messages, e-mails, etc?  Just trying to determine if there is a possibility that she has a lot going on right now, is OOT for the Holidays or if she really is avoiding you.

     

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  • crlyredheadcrlyredhead
    First Comment
    Unfortunatley, I have the emails she sent to me as far as the accusations against me. As for the trashing of my work, well that may be considered hearsay in that  I have had two former co-workers whom, she is aware I stay in touch with, tell me the exact same thing about what she has said about my work. 

    i will keep attempting to talk to her face to face, but I am losing hope of that happening. 
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  • crlyredheadcrlyredhead
    First Comment
    Several calls, texts, emails etc.  She has been in town for the holidays.  In fact, I tried to reach out to her so we could go to lunch while she was off  and at home (again me driving to see her), and no response.  I will say she tends to be rather passive agressive about things and in witnessing her relationships with other friends where she has had dust ups, it seems to be always the other person's fault and that they are "psycho" , "crazy", etc.  Yes, I am questioning myself now for becoming friends with her in the first place. 
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  • msuprincess04msuprincess04 member
    5 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper First Comment
    My point was that she's not unreasonable in feeling that way about that situation. But, true, there's not much to be done about it but move forward.

    And, yes, I did go to Michigan State. :)
    "There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Friedrich Nietzsche, "On Reading and Writing"
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