• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Wedding Party

BM pulls out- long post

I was wondering what your opinions are on this situation. One of my very close friends lives out of state and committed to being a bm. I flew out to see her in January. She has a 1yr. old and had recently gotten divorced a few months prior. We discussed all of the financial aspects that a bm could be encountered with when I asked her to be a bm. She agreed and said that she would be honored to be a bm and "would make it work". Well, since then the gown has been received and all bm planning has been in progress with her knowledge. She called me this weekend to let me know that altough she has paid for her gown she cannot afford to fly out to Florida for the wedding. I then offered to pay for her plane ticket and offered her to stay at my house instead of having to pay for a hotel room. She told me she would think about it and call me back. She called me back a couple of hours later and told me that she did not feel comfortable having me pay for her way out here. I of course was crushed and cried for 2 days b/c I truly wanted her to be a part of my wedding. I don't know what to do. She said she is shipping me her dress so that someone else can use it, but I don't know....I feel bad "replacing" her. Since we are less than 3mths. out from my wedding I have already purchased & had all bm gifts personalized, hair, makeup, flowers.......the whole 9 nine yards is paid for. FI and MOB thinks that I need to replace her w/another bm. I don't know how to go about this w/o offending anyone. I hope that someone hear has some good insight!!! TIA

October 2012 May Siggy Challenge: Bridesmaid dresses Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Re: BM pulls out- long post

  • I wouldn't 'replace' her. There's no need for it, plus it sends the message that your friends are disposable.
    <a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Money Saving Tips"><img src="http://global.thenest.com/tickers/tt17ce82.aspx" alt="Anniversary" border="0"  /></a>

    White Knot

    Planning Bio-Added FOR SALE page, will be adding more stuff to it soon! 
  • You are right, do not replace her.  Not only does that tell your friend that she is 'replacable', but whoever you ask to replace her will know the only reason you asked them is to be a prop since your real BM couldn't be there.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with having uneven sides.
    Anniversary
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Do not replace her.  Even though she told you to I still would not replace her.  I am sure it was a tough decision for her to make and the last thing you should do is make her feel replaceable.

    Honestly, if I were you I would purchase her a ticket and tell her that all you want is for her to be there on your wedding day and that flying her in is a present for yourself. 

    But in the end, if she still refuses your offer send her the BM gift and cancel her bouquet (the florist should be able to refund you the money and/or use the flowers for something else in your wedding.)

    And you are right to think that replacing this BM will not only hurt the BM who dropped out but it will also be a kick in the butt for the replacement who will know she was being asked to just fill a spot.

  • In Response to BM pulls out- long post:
    I was wondering what your opinions are on this situation. One of my very close friends lives out of state and committed to being a bm. I flew out to see her in January. She has a 1yr. old and had recently gotten divorced a few months prior. We discussed all of the financial aspects that a bm could be encountered with when I asked her to be a bm. She agreed and said that she would be honored to be a bm and "would make it work". Well, since then the gown has been received and all bm planning has been in progress with her knowledge. She called me this weekend to let me know that altough she has paid for her gown she cannot afford to fly out to Florida for the wedding. I then offered to pay for her plane ticket and offered her to stay at my house instead of having to pay for a hotel room. She told me she would think about it and call me back. She called me back a couple of hours later and told me that she did not feel comfortable having me pay for her way out here. I of course was crushed and cried for 2 days b/c I truly wanted her to be a part of my wedding. I don't know what to do. She said she is shipping me her dress so that someone else can use it, but I don't know....I feel bad "replacing" her. Since we are less than 3mths. out from my wedding I have already purchased & had all bm gifts personalized, hair, makeup, flowers.......the whole 9 nine yards is paid for. FI and MOB thinks that I need to replace her w/another bm. I don't know how to go about this w/o offending anyone. I hope that someone hear has some good insight!!! TIA
    Posted by Karla&Ryno
    Do not replace her.  That would be the same as telling her that she was nothing more than a place filler - and the same message would be sent to whomever you ask to step in.

    If she just got a divorce, her finances could very well be in a shambles and her pride has probably taken a hit also.  A lot of people would rather hold onto whatever shred of pride they still have than take charity from someone else and this would include your offer to pay her expenses.  Your offer was sweet and well meaning but having gone through a long period of unemployment, I would have done the same thing in her position.  Until you've been there, it is hard to understand why.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • I'll replace her if I get to wear that awesome dress!!

    But in all seriousness, your instincts are right:  Don't replace her.  Who wants to be a sloppy seconds bridesmaid, anyway?

    I'd certainly send her the gift and cancel her bouquet, hair, and makeup.  This should be very easy to do.  Enjoy your time with your bridesmaids and continue to enjoy your friendship with the one who dropped out - with her divorce, she can use good friends!
  • I don't think you should replace her; but I would definitely have a conversation with her where you explain that you don't want her to feel worse that you couldn't replace her. I know if I were in her position and you didn't replace me I'd probably feel like I ruined something even more. Just make sure you have that dialogue. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker whatshouldwecallweddings.tumblr.com
  • Thank you ladies!!! I am not going to replace her. Instead, she will get a nice little package of her bm gifts. I am just bummed that she won't be there. I don't think it would be the same to just have someone stand in line. I choose all of my bridesmaid bc they mean alot to me. Thank you for helping me not feel crazy for choosing not to replace her!!
    October 2012 May Siggy Challenge: Bridesmaid dresses Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • It sucks, but you are making the right decision by not replacing her.

    I'm sure she doesn't feel too good about this either
  • In Response to Re: BM pulls out- long post:
    I don't think you should replace her; but I would definitely have a conversation with her where you explain that you don't want her to feel worse  that you couldn't replace her. I know if I were in her position and you didn't replace me I'd probably feel like I ruined something even more. Just make sure you have that dialogue. 
    Posted by emeejeeayen
    I totally agree with this. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In this situation, I'd still consider her a bridesmaid, just an absent one.  BIL didn't attend our wedding (for much less understandable reasons), and we still listed him in the program as a groomsman even though we knew well in advance that he wasn't coming.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to BM pulls out- long post:

    I feel your pain!

    At our 3 month point I had a BM drop out due to finances as well. I offered to help finish paying for the dress, travel costs, etc. She refused. A few days later she was off on trips to NYC and Tenn to see fmaily and friends. She also went out and bought new furniture and a gas grill. I was heartbroken because she told me she didn't have enough money to be a bridesmaid (she had agreed in Oct. 2011). I replaced her with another friend of mine that I wasn't able to put in due to not having enough groomsmen. The other girl was thrilled that I asked her! She went right out and bought the dress and everything.

    Today, (1 month out), I had another bridesmaid drop out due to moving. She leaves the day after my wedding for Tenn. I wanted her to just come down for the day of the wedding and stay for the ceremony, pictures and dinner. She said that would be impossible. She had known that she would be moving for a couple of weeks now and just said something to me. We do not have enough time to replace her (the dress takes 5 weeks and alterations another 2) so we are going with uneven numbers (which I hate because the pictures and party won't be balanced). 

    So in the end, replace her. I wish that I had replaced both girls early on (when they started missing dress deadlines and payments) because at least then I could have put friends that wanted to be there with me in the WP.  The ones that truely love you and want to be there for you will do everything they can (and except the help you kindly offered) to be there. The ones that don't love you will just make excuses!
  • In Response to Re: BM pulls out- long post:
    In Response to BM pulls out- long post : I feel your pain! At our 3 month point I had a BM drop out due to finances as well. I offered to help finish paying for the dress, travel costs, etc. She refused. A few days later she was off on trips to NYC and Tenn to see fmaily and friends. She also went out and bought new furniture and a gas grill. I was heartbroken because she told me she didn't have enough money to be a bridesmaid (she had agreed in Oct. 2011). I replaced her with another friend of mine that I wasn't able to put in due to not having enough groomsmen. The other girl was thrilled that I asked her! She went right out and bought the dress and everything. Today, (1 month out), I had another bridesmaid drop out due to moving. She leaves the day after my wedding for Tenn. I wanted her to just come down for the day of the wedding and stay for the ceremony, pictures and dinner. She said that would be impossible. She had known that she would be moving for a couple of weeks now and just said something to me. We do not have enough time to replace her (the dress takes 5 weeks and alterations another 2) so we are going with uneven numbers (which I hate because the pictures and party won't be balanced).  So in the end, replace her. I wish that I had replaced both girls early on (when they started missing dress deadlines and payments) because at least then I could have put friends that wanted to be there with me in the WP.  The ones that truely love you and want to be there for you will do everything they can (and except the help you kindly offered) to be there. The ones that don't love you will just make excuses!
    Posted by amradich
    Tell me, are you having fun going through every remotely relevant post and urging people to be as callous to their friends over two yards of fabric worn for about six hours as you were?
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to Re: BM pulls out- long post:
    In Response to BM pulls out- long post : I feel your pain! At our 3 month point I had a BM drop out due to finances as well. I offered to help finish paying for the dress, travel costs, etc. She refused. A few days later she was off on trips to NYC and Tenn to see fmaily and friends. She also went out and bought new furniture and a gas grill. I was heartbroken because she told me she didn't have enough money to be a bridesmaid (she had agreed in Oct. 2011). I replaced her with another friend of mine that I wasn't able to put in due to not having enough groomsmen. The other girl was thrilled that I asked her! She went right out and bought the dress and everything. Today, (1 month out), I had another bridesmaid drop out due to moving. She leaves the day after my wedding for Tenn. I wanted her to just come down for the day of the wedding and stay for the ceremony, pictures and dinner. She said that would be impossible. She had known that she would be moving for a couple of weeks now and just said something to me. We do not have enough time to replace her (the dress takes 5 weeks and alterations another 2) so we are going with uneven numbers (which I hate because the pictures and party won't be balanced).  So in the end, replace her. I wish that I had replaced both girls early on (when they started missing dress deadlines and payments) because at least then I could have put friends that wanted to be there with me in the WP.  The ones that truely love you and want to be there for you will do everything they can (and except the help you kindly offered) to be there. The ones that don't love you will just make excuses!
    Posted by amradich

    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
    image
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • In Response to Re:BM pulls out long post:
    Tide, that made my whole week!
    Posted by StageManager14
    Glad to be back :)
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
    image
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards