Wedding Party

What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...

2

Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...

  • Hi. My advice is to sit her down and tell her. Friend, you do understand that this is MY wedding that I'm Planning and every decision I've made is to make MY day and FIANCE's Day our day. Will you please be happy and be supportive of this even if you would do something different. After all it is my day and should be the way I want it Right? Love you and appreciate you but will you please stop the complaints and suggestions. (If not just tell her sorry but I'll just have to exclude you from the plans because you are making my day about you and its not)
  • She does'nt sound like a friend. Perhap's tell her how you feel. You will only have one wedding and you should'nt let her ruin it. Good luck!
  • Sounds like a total downer. A lot of people here are saying 'it's just one day', but the people in your wedding party are also people who will support your marriage in the years to come. If it were me, I would want more postive people in my life, not just on the wedding day.

    Maybe you should just lay it out for her. Tell her that she is bringing you down, and you're not sure if she is the right person to be a briesmaid. Either she'll shape up, or you'll be free to make another desicion.
  • I had to deal with this as well.  I asked a girl who was my closest friend(even roomate at one time) to be in my wedding.  However it seemed to start on a bad note from the beginning.  She was upset to begin with that did not ask her to be my maid of honor, because recently(IMHO we have not been close enough for this).  In addition, she is a single mother, who doesn't have time to help me plan my wedding, and my closer friend did.  

    I have moved out of the state so my fiancée could get his PhD.  He has never much liked her but accepted my choice.  Then things started getting dicey.  My fiancée and I found out that we would be paying for our wedding ourselves(I am just out of Master's school with student loans and he is still in grad school).  We informed all of our wedding party that we would need them to pay for their own dresses and tux rentals. 

    There wasn't another option, I can't agree to pay ahead of time for their dresses when weddings are expensive.  We told her(the rest of the party didn't mind) that we would create a special position for her instead, give her an honorary position, and if we had extra money in the budget we would help, but it would be to the last moment before we knew.

    I was trying to be reasonable and understand things from her point of view, until she started insulting my fiancée, insinuating that he was controlling me and dictating how we spend the money in a way that was not beneficial to her that I had had enough.  I told her politely that while I wanted to include her, and I would try to find another position for her, that since she could not buy the dress she could not be in the immediate party.

    While I would like to say everything worked out, the reality is that it didn't.  I try to talk to her occasionally, but it's always snide remarks and criticisms on how I shouldn't let a man dictate my life.  But I had to come to the conclusion that her position on life and marriages(she is bitterly divorced) and my own differ.  I do not view input from my DF as intrusive, but as his right since he is paying for it, and does not care for most aspects. 

    The friendship is only tentatively there still, and if I had to be honest, it is probably mostly gone.  But I learned from that the resentments she had would be there regardless, and that I did not need someone that negative in my immediate life.  I still care for her and wish her the best, and she will have an invite to the wedding, but not to my wedding party.  That does not make me a bridezilla, and it should not make you one either. 

    My suggestion evaluate your peace of mind, it's worth, and what impact her complaints are having on your relationship with your fiancée if you can live with it do.  If it will sour your life for the coming months, don't worry about it, just let her go and endure the comments, you'll know that you did the right thing for your relationship.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Unfortunately I was in a situation where I did have to give one of my bridesmaids the boot!  She was not supportive, seemed very jealous once my fiance and I got engaged, and constantly talked about what she and her boyfriend would do when they got married, making things about her all the time instead of letting it be my time.  She was always a whiner and complainer, but it was over the top once my wedding planning started.  The friendship was going downhill before but I asked her to be a bridesmaid because we'd always told each other we would.  Now our friendship is not the same, we rarely talk, but I think it needed to happen.  The wedding planning is so much more pleasant now and I know I made the right decision.  Sometimes you just have to remove toxic people from your life!
    Amanda (Future Mrs. King!!!) 5/21/11
  • I think that the bride should do what she wants, and it doesn't have to end the friendship. I have had 3 girls back out of my wedding (due to reasons that I think are complete crap- but oh well) and this is not going to change our relationship. We are getting married 12 hours away from home and due to that I understand that sometimes things change. But you know what? I can still be upset that the person has backed out without ruining the friendship.

    This is your wedding, not theirs! It seems like today everyone is so concerned about not upsetting anyone that they forget exactly whose wedding it is. Did these girls care that they just messed up all of my hard work and planning? Nope. Did they stop and consider that once they said yes they should do everything in their power to be a part of my wedding? Nope. In my opinion they should have said no in the first place. But, I am moving on after the fact and think that if you have a true friendship your BM will be able to do the same.

    Remember, these girls are supposed to be there to help you, not hinder you. If this girl is a true friend then she will understand. If not, then I think you will be better off without her.
  • I'm sorry but it is YOUR weding adn YOUR day. Hopefully you only do this once so make the best of it. I understand you're asking her to be in your wedding out of guilt because I also have a similar situation. But don't let her ruin this for you. Let her know if she isn't happy about being in the wedding or the wedding plans you have made that she does not need to be a part of it. It doesn't sound like she is a great friend of yours anyhow. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be there to help and support you, she clearly will not be doing either. If it were me I would be looking for the first chance to get her out of the wedding. You can do it in a nice way, but I would be very uncomfortable with her in my wedding. Who needs the extra tension and stress on and already stressful day/event?
  • Hi there,

    I think you have been given a lot of advices from this thread. I hope you choose the right one.

    I think some responses may seem harsh, and some responses are "too soft". I think you should re-evaluate what is important for you, and the priorities of things at this time.

    Someone made a great comment and I didn't even pick up on when I first read your message. She said that good friends shouldn't be gossiping things back to you about what other friends say, especially if she knows that it will cause you stress. "Maybe misery loves company" is right?

    All in all, whatever your personality is, whether you are an in-your-face kind of person, or subtle/sweep-under-the-rug/non-confrontational type, you should know that communication and mutual understanding is one of the foundation of making a relationship last. Whether "birdies told you" or the friend actually told you about these complaints, if the situation bothers you that much that you are seeking help on here, then you should talk to your friend. Tell her what you are hearing. Confirm whether it's true. BE HER FRIEND by listening to her. Maybe there is something you don't know about her, and that you didn't know about her because you never asked or communicated with her about. Give a little, and then ask her to also give a little. Explain, so she knows, why you're firm on certain decisions. Ask whether it will really affect her to the point that she is unhappy to leave her kid at home, or that she will become a stressful bridesmaid. If it's making her unhappy, then tell her that you don't want to see her happy and that she should consider not taking on the roll in the wedding party. Tell her that you will be OK with the decision and that it's a long time away from the wedding, so you'd rather hear it now. (BE SYMPATHETIC AND UNDERSTANDING TOWARD THE OTHER PERSON -- you will get people to follow and listen to you better this way).

    After the talk, if she decides to still stick with you, then tell her that you've been stressed by hearing all these things, that's why you wanted to talk to her. So, now that everything is in the open, you hope that these topics will not come up again. THEN, lastly, ask her if there's anything else that you guys haven't discussed and that you should know.


    THE END.


    Main point is to keep good communication WITH EVERYONE AROUND YOU.... whether it's planning a wedding or just growing a relationship. I don't know what all these silly advices about don't invite her or talk to her about the wedding plans anymore. I mean, then why be a part of the wedding? Geesh!    :)  

    I would be more hurt if someone exclude me from events, than if someone were to come up to me and say, "What you're doing hurts me. If you are unhappy, you shouldn't be here. If there's something wrong, we can discuss about it because that's what friends are for. I want to include you and have your inputs in the wedding -- that's why you're in my bridal party. I just don't want you being unhappy and I end up avoiding talking about the wedding with you because it's not a fun experience for neither of us. This doesn't mean anything about our friendship. It just means that we're re-evaluating our decisions about who is best in the wedding party."

    BAM! lol :)


    Good luck, Friend. I know planning a big event is VERY stressful. Just go with your instincts, and you will do fine.    SealedCool




    -Kim
  • I say, just have an honest conversation with her.  If she is unhappy and you are unhappy - no one is getting anything out of this relationship.  Tell her that she is free to go if she likes.  You don't want to "hold her against her will". 
    I don't think its impolite to address this issue.
    Your friendship will be better off with honesty - and so will your wedding.
  • I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from. I also had a terror bm that complained about her accessories... she couldn't wear rings because her hands are too small, has to wear atleast 3'' heels (when none of my other bm's even wear heels) was unhappy about pretty much every single plan. I expressed my feelings to her numerous times and in the same day she asked if her bf could come to the dress fitting. NO! She had a fit after that, went on a day trip and didn't call nor show up to the dress fitting appointment and told me she had an appt. Next day FB pic's are up of her "special" day yesterday. Needless to say with all I gave her chances for I finally had enough and said goodbye. On top of everything she began to tell me many lies and I figured this is MY day. This will be your only wedding, if your unhappy with her attitude and she is not being supportive, kindly tell her she can still feel free to attend the wedding but her job as a bm is over. Might sound harsh but in the end, if you don't see yourself being a good friend anymore, do you want to look at your wedding party pictures with her in them??
  • I am a bride who has fired a bridesmaid. There is a very long story there, but basically she was never available for anything (and I mean anything at all, wedding related or not), she flaked out on me constantly, and she lied to me all the time. So I told her, I need a bridesmaid, and a friend, who has the time to be both things. I want to be friends, but I don't feel like you do, so I'll find someone else to stand up for me. 

    Judge all you want people, but on the most important day of my life, I want people up there who I've actually spoken to in the last six months. OP, if you are still friends with this girl, figure out a way to work it out, because if you fire her she won't be your friend anymore. If your friendship doesn't really exist anymore, then cut the line. Take time to think about it and really evaluate the relationship, and then make the decision that is right for you. Who gives a damn if people call you bridezilla? It's not their decision, and it's not their life. 
  • Christ, we were in the email again, weren't we.  They've got to stop doing that.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • I have read all the posts about keeping this girl, all the rules say you can't unask someone etc. and when someone mentions removing the girl from the situation it's met witha very negative response.
    I was in that exact situation until a month ago - only a little more intense...someone i thought to be a very close friend and confidante, who swore she was extatic i was getting married etc etc started acting very negative towards every aspect of my wedding. She didnt like colors, didnt like dresses, didnt like venues etc so i stopped sharing what i was picking and doing with her. She then started complaining to the other bridesmaids i was excluding her and being even more pushy. I basically had to cut her out of anything wedding related for my sanity.
    She didn't take the hint and brought the negativity to other aspects of our lives, which is where I draw the line.

    I am sorry but if someone is giving you he** about a day that is truly supposed to be the most joyous of your life (until kids if they are in the cards) and a day that EVERYONE keeps saying "is your day" then in my opinion, surround yourself with those people who truly are happy for you and want to support you. My solution - this friend is not in the wedding. She is still invited, but we are not as close and have been discussing her issues with my getting married. I know immediately after that decision was made, my stress and difficulty making decisions was magically gone! it is amazing how quickly I felt the relief and ease from the negativity.

    Sometimes it is best to preserve your sanity and happiness, even if that means you step on a friend's oversensitive/opinionated/negative toes.
    MrsBowstaff
  • It's also possible to have a conversation with her without having the "your fired" ultimatum...why not just talk to her to see whats up? I don't see why you have to immediately jump to the "your fired from the wedding party" solution.
  • Hmmm. I have never posted on a knot board before, but I felt like I should put my two sense in on this one. I might be a little late, but oh well...

    1.) I will tell everyone and anyone who gets engaged to please wait on asking your friends  to be in your bridal party, unless they are family (sisters, close cousins, etc.). The reason for this being that some (not all) friendships change in the course of a year or however long your engagement is. You are caught up in the hype of being newly-engaged and are excited to ask people to be in your bridal party...just, please wait.
    2.) Stop listening to those who are telling you what she is saying or that she is being difficult. Sometimes (more like all of the time) gossip can be exaggerated and create more problems and (unnecessary) tension. If they come to you with what she has said, just let it go and tell them "she hasn't said anything to me about it". If she does say something to you then you need to confront her about it. Tell her that it is adding extra stress to an already stressful time, and you would appreciate it if she would be respectful enough to keep her thoughts/ comments to herself. You NEED to be vocal about it. She may not know that she is being that difficult. Keeping it to yourself or talking about it to others will only create more problems. Talk to HER.
    3.) Stop giving her details about the wedding. If she doesn't know what the plans are, she can't complain. Unless she is the MOH, she doesn't need to know every detail of the wedding.
    4.) Don't kick her out of the wedding party. Like everyone else has said, it is one day and one party. Even if you guys are no longer as close as you used to be, kicking her out of the wedding party will burn a bridge that you may never be able to repair. You might not regret it now, but down the line you might and there will always be that elephant in the room ("remember when you kicked me out of your wedding party??"). It might be something that you two will never get past and you have to think to yourself...would doing this be worth it?

    Unless you are one of the lucky ones, there will always be one bridesmaid who makes life a little difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck in your planning!

    Sorry my two cents turned into four :-)


  • Stage, I think it's pretty clear we're being trolled.  20 people have posted "boot her ungrateful @ss out" in the past couple of hours.

    What email is aerin talking about?
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    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Actually, I don't disagree.  If she was only asked out of pity, she may have only accepted out of obligation.  We don't all know the full story, so you'll have to use your judgement, but I think...

    "I understand that there are a lot of things you aren't happy about, but you have the chance to do whatever you want at your own wedding, and it's really hurting me that it feels like I can't do anything right to make you happy.  I don't want you to feel as though you were obligated to accept when I asked you to be in the wedding party.  To be frank with you, I don't need or want the negative energy surrounding something which is supposed to be so positive.  I wish you would bring your issues up with me directly, instead of me having to hear it through the grapevine.  If you're just going to complain about everything I do, I'd really rather not have that attitude close to me, I'm sorry."

    If she's smart she'll read between the lines...  you'll either solve the problem, or give her an out.
    So every sweet with sour is tempered still that maketh it be coveted the more For easy things that may be got at will most sorts of men do set but little store. Why then should I account of little pain That endless pleasure shall unto me gain?
  • Hmm, I think I did that wrong when I replied.  :/  Sorry.... I think.... lol :)
    So every sweet with sour is tempered still that maketh it be coveted the more For easy things that may be got at will most sorts of men do set but little store. Why then should I account of little pain That endless pleasure shall unto me gain?
  • MrsMules2011MrsMules2011 member
    First Comment
    edited November 2010
     It sounds like a very toxic relationship, for one, because any friend worth having for a lifetime wouldn't want to make what could be the most important day of your life thus far, all about her.
     Personally, I'd invite her over for coffee or out to lunch and just hash it out. If she's that miserable, whether she stays in your wedding or not, the friendship will still be different afterwards. So why ruin your day, too. Besides, the longer this goes on, the worse it will get.
  • The Knot sends out a sort of "digest of the boards" email every so often with links to certain posts.  Said posts are then inundated with dozens of posts from brand new beebee brides.  Heels actually had to close a thread on CC about strippers at a bachelor party after it had gone on for something like 12 pages of this. 
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Ugh and here I was hoping these people weren't real...
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • I hate the show "Bridezilla" because it has given this vision that if a woman shows any kind of emotion during her wedding process other than joy and excitement that she is a b-word.

    Plain and simple, it is your wedding. The one day in your life that truly is all about you and your special man. So try and focus on that and that alone. It is nearly impossible to not listen to the voices around you telling you he said, she said... and unfortunately, you cannot control the BM that is saying them anymore than you can control the BM's that are telling you that she is saying that stuff.

    It sounds to me like the underlying issue here is that she is an old friend but not a good friend. I see a lot of people responding that the friendship is most important, and friendship is absolutely a key component to happiness, but just because someone has been in your life for a long time does not mean they are someone you need to keep in your life. From your post, it seems you do not even care for this person anymore, so naturally, everything she says/does will feel heightened because you invited her into your party out of guilt and not genuine desires for her to share in this with you.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • This is not original advice but I wanted to combine the concepts from a few PP.

    The real issue is the friendship. The focus should not be on the wedding but on the relationship between you and her. If you want to remain friends with her then keep her in the WP but stop caling her, and if you are talking to her and she wants to whine about your wedding just say something like "I am tired of talking about me all the time, what's going on in your life lately?" There is always something going with a kid that you can ask about: young has all kinds of milestones, older has all kinds of events, like sports or school stuff.

    But if the friendship has been toxic for a longer time than it had been positive then i say cut and run. I am a huge advocate for choosing your friends, and if she is consistently more trouble than she is worth, then let her go. Just because she had been in your life for a long time does not mean that she needs to continue to be in your life if she will bring nothing but discord. A friend is someone that you enjoy, and smile when you think about them. If not 100% of the time then at least %75. But cut her from your life and let the wedding fall under the collateral of that situation, NOT the other way around.

    Lastly enlist the hens in your WP that want to cause drama to be a buffer. Ask that they go out of their way to sheild you from her negativity. They may not realize that they are part of the problem, so without mentioning that, just ask them to be part of the solution.

    Good luck!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I'm all for the dose of reality approach to giving advice. If she is still complaining than be completely honest with her. Communicate that this day isn't about her, and if she is cannot find contentment or be gratefull in the fact that she has been asked to be a part of YOUR Day, then yeah, maybe she shouldn't be in your party at all. A real friend has the courage to let someone know when they are being negative and selfish.
  • I think it is totally appropriate to "unask" someone to be in the wedding. I would just tell her something like, "It doesn't seem as if my wedding plans are convenient for you, so I think it would be best if ask someone else." If she really is your friend and really wants to be in the wedding, she will change her attitude. If you aren't that close to her anymore anyway and she decides to go ahead and step aside, well then no real harm done. I am currently planning my wedding for March and there is enough stress with all of the planning that must be done. You need someone that will help support you and decrease the stress, not add to it. You should be excited and be able to enjoy the planning process of your upcoming wedding. Don't let anyone ruin that for you, especially if the stress can be eliminated.

  • Ladies, can we try and think a little rationally here?

    It is not YOUR DAY. If any of you say "YOUR day" or "my day" one more time I'm going to do like Aerin and completely ignore your post because your attitude is already terrible.

    You and your FI are getting married. It is you and your FI's day. Once you send out the first invite, you've involved another person. It then becomes about their comfort as well. As soon as you start asking WP members to stand up with you it starts to become about their attire budgets, their time constraints with pre-wedding events, and their comfort as guests at your reception. Etc.

    If you have a 200 person wedding, then the day is mostly about you and your FI but it is also about the 200 other people there and their comforts and needs that you should be attending to do as hosts. That's just plain manners.

    Asking someone not to be a bridesmaid anymore is a very public slap on the face. I have been publicly humiliated by a "friend" before. And I can tell you right now that I never want to see that girl again. If you think that slight won't cause someone to dislike if not vehemently depise you, then you're in for a rude awakening later. Sometimes people have days. They say bad things and they behave badly. You look even better for not kicking them out of the sandbox by being the adult and rising above playground gimmicks.

    So all of you (with the exception of a few) can come rushing in here screaming about how it's all about you and your "one day of happiness" all you want. But if your wedding is the one day you feel like is your "day of happiness and perfection" your priorities are already way out of whack and you should probably examine them. And once again, it's not all about you. It's just not. The wedding is in honor of you and your FI. That doesn't mean that the rest of the human beings you chose to involve in it get to be trampled on like slaves because it's YOUR day.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:75c257b1-d93d-455e-a5f4-751080c32c7e">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think you now have every right to turn around and say, if you really are that unhapppy with my wedding and the arrangements we are making for our wedding, we'd understand if you want to change your mind on being involved and coming to the day now... It's your wedding, and you have to be the one that's happy, calm and excited all at the same time, and you don't want anyone arond you that might risk spoiling the most amazing day of your life..... I wish you well with your wedding and your friendship..  xx
    Posted by The Brownings to be[/QUOTE]
    You'd give up a long term friend for a DAY?!  Seriously?
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:f4e27b1d-7859-4a02-a411-a9871105cadb">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hmmm. I have never posted on a knot board before, but I felt like I should put my two sense in on this one. I might be a little late, but oh well... 1.) I will tell everyone and anyone who gets engaged to please wait on asking your friends  to be in your bridal party, unless they are family (sisters, close cousins, etc.). The reason for this being that some (not all) friendships change in the course of a year or however long your engagement is. You are caught up in the hype of being newly-engaged and are excited to ask people to be in your bridal party...just, please wait. 2.) Stop listening to those who are telling you what she is saying or that she is being difficult. Sometimes (more like all of the time) gossip can be exaggerated and create more problems and (unnecessary) tension. If they come to you with what she has said, just let it go and tell them "she hasn't said anything to me about it". If she does say something to you then you need to confront her about it. Tell her that it is adding extra stress to an already stressful time, and you would appreciate it if she would be respectful enough to keep her thoughts/ comments to herself. You NEED to be vocal about it. She may not know that she is being that difficult. Keeping it to yourself or talking about it to others will only create more problems. Talk to HER. 3.) Stop giving her details about the wedding. If she doesn't know what the plans are, she can't complain. Unless she is the MOH, she doesn't need to know every detail of the wedding. 4.) Don't kick her out of the wedding party. Like everyone else has said, it is one day and one party. Even if you guys are no longer as close as you used to be, kicking her out of the wedding party will burn a bridge that you may never be able to repair. You might not regret it now, but down the line you might and there will always be that elephant in the room ("remember when you kicked me out of your wedding party??"). It might be something that you two will never get past and you have to think to yourself...would doing this be worth it? Unless you are one of the lucky ones, there will always be one bridesmaid who makes life a little difficult. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck in your planning! Sorry my two cents turned into four :-)
    Posted by MJohnson85[/QUOTE]
    This may be your first post, but you've got a brain!
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • Does your BM really want to be a bridesmaid? Are you sure she's a friend?

    You can let her know that you've heard that she has some concerns about the wedding plans (let her vent about them!) and that while you value her advice in planning your wedding, you will not put up with her going behind your back to complain to mutual friends. Offer to let her back out of being a bridesmaid without any repercussions to your friendship. If she truly wants to be a BM, ask her to come to you directly with her concerns - that's the least a friend can do for another friend. If she can't agree to come to you directly, she's not a friend worth keeping.
  • Wow... this is certainly a hot issue...

    I agree with some of the PPs in that you should be able to be straight-forward and blunt with her. Even if she hasn't said anything directly to you, from the original post it sounds like it isn't so much gossip as "we're sensing trouble and want to give you a heads up", in which case you are perfectly justified in bringing it up to her. Make it clear that you don't appreciate her trying to make waves, and that while you understand some choices aren't to her liking that you are not going to be changing your plans just to suit her. (Don't actually say, "suck it up, or don't come to the wedding", but I think if you make your position clear she'll do one of those two options anyway)

    Yes, friendship is a two-way street, but because this person seems to be talking behind the bride's back it's obvious that regardless of who started the friendship-decline, she (the BM) no longer places much value on it.

    It's mean, it can hurt, and it isn't "polite", but if you have a friend that is 'toxic' then the best thing to do for your sanity and health is to end it. The truth of the matter is that some friendships are only passing. They're great while they last and horrible if you try and drag them out. From the sound of it, this friendship was pretty much already on the rocks. Is it worth saving? Is it even possible? If the answer to one, or both, of those questions is no then you should stop fighting the inevitable.

    Quietly discuss your concerns with her, stating that while you thought the wedding would be a great way to bring you two closer together it is just making things worse. Explain that you hold no hard feelings, but think that instead of waiting until you both hate each other you should end it on good terms so that maybe somewhere down the road you two could take another stab at being friends.
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