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April 2013 Weddings

XP- How should I handle this?

FI's mom REALLY wants to throw me a separate shower (aside from my family and friends) for FI's friends and family. I'm all for it, told her to have at it. The problem is where she wants to have it. She has this friend, let's call her M, that always likes to help her throw parties and always hosts them at her house....now here's the kicker. M's husband is a convicted pedofile who is getting out of jail in 1 month and moving home. There's no way in H-E-L-L I want my shower to be there, but I know that's exactly where FMIL is going to plan for it to be. Do I say something to her or what?
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Re: XP- How should I handle this?

  • Um yes! I don't blame you for feeling awkward about it!! I would definitely say something - maybe don't call out the specific reason unless she really wants you to, but the whole situation sounds a little off. Are you even friends with M? Or is she just a friend of FMIL? Does FI know M?
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  • In Response to Re: XP- How should I handle this?:
    [QUOTE]Um yes! I don't blame you for feeling awkward about it!! I would definitely say something - maybe don't call out the specific reason unless she really wants you to, but the whole situation sounds a little off. Are you even friends with M? Or is she just a friend of FMIL? Does FI know M?
    Posted by mabapunta[/QUOTE]

    I am not friends with M and neither is FI.. she's just a friend of FMIL who we see occasionally on holidays. She hosted FSIL baby shower there a few months back, and always wants to have the parties at her house.
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  • Hmm. I would maybe just use the excuse that it's fine if M wants to help host the party, but given that neither you or FI know her personally, it would be more comfortable for everyone (and make more sense) if the party were hosted at your FMIL's house, another mutual friend's or a relative...or something neutral like a meeting room or restaurant or something. If it's nice weather - even a park or something.
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    So ready to bring our families together and PARTY on April 13th, 2013!
    image 225 Invited
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    image 154 Are MIA!
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  • I could definitely see where you would be very uncomfortable...do you think your FMIL will be offended if you are just honest with her and say hey i'm not comfortable there....like at all....its not like he shoplifted that is a serious crime hope the best!! I would just be honest
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  • I agree with mabapunta.  I would just say that you and your FI barely know M, and that you would feel uncomfortable taking over her house for your shower.  Maybe offer alternatives, or even offer to help your MIL clean or whatever the day before if she'll have it at her place instead. 

    I have issues with pedophiles.  BIG issues.  There's no way in h-e-double hockey sticks I'd go anywhere near a pedophile's home, much less to celebrate a happy occasion in my life.  I'd have too hard of a time biting my tongue on this one - hopefully your FMIL will get the hint.
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  • In Response to Re: XP- How should I handle this?:
    [QUOTE]I could definitely see where you would be very uncomfortable...do you think your FMIL will be offended if you are just honest with her and say hey i'm not comfortable there....like at all....its not like he shoplifted that is a serious crime hope the best!! I would just be honest
    Posted by jesslamb830[/QUOTE]

    Yes, she's the kind of person that would be extremely offended..and give me the "people change" speech. She's also the kind of person who doesnt understand the word no and even if I told her why and explained to her in detail, she'd think it wasn't a big deal and still throw it there.
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  • In Response to Re: XP- How should I handle this?:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: XP- How should I handle this? : Yes, she's the kind of person that would be extremely offended..and give me the "people change" speech. She's also the kind of person who doesnt understand the word no and even if I told her why and explained to her in detail, she'd think it wasn't a big deal and still throw it there.
    Posted by shanding4787[/QUOTE]

    If it turns out that way, then you may have to bust out Bridezilla and explain that you are really appreciative of what she wants to do for you, but it's not going to happen with you there. I get that the person throwing the party gets a lot of say of when, where and who is invited...but they don't get veto power. That is yours.
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    So ready to bring our families together and PARTY on April 13th, 2013!
    image 225 Invited
    image 53 Are ready to party!
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    image 154 Are MIA!
    Reply requested by March 23.
  • Has your fiance attempted to talk to his mother about this??  This would be an issue I would pass on to my fiance because it's his mother and he may be able to speak more freely about it.  Also my good excuse is if you  have children coming to the party you obviously do not want them in that home.  I know I wouldn' twant my little cousins who will be at my shower to be in that house.  Good luck
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  • You can just decline the shower if that's the case. Because you can't really dictate what they do if they are throwing it for you.. but also- if that friend isn't invited to the wedding, you can use that whole "only people invited to the wedding should be invited to showers" excuse and say you aren't comfortable having it there because she isn't invited. Is she invited? Because if so- how are you handling having her husband at the wedding?
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  • Legally, wouldn't he have to decline the invite if you were planning on inviting children to the wedding?  In my state, he'd have to register with the state as an offender and he wouldn't be allowed within x number of feet of a place where he knows children would be present unless it was a necessity, such as grocery shopping, banking, etc.

    I'd decline the shower as well if your FMIL refused to listen to you and take YOUR feelings into account.  I mean, why would she intentionally do something that makes you uncomfortable at your own shower?
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  • Yeah there's no way I'd keep my mouth shut about that. I think you FMIL should be told exactly why you do not want the shower there and will not attend events there in the future. This is a perfectly reasonable boundry to set. You and your FI need to get on the same page and he should address this with his mother, don't feel bad about making waves. Take care of this now so in the future you aren't arguing with MIL about why you won't bring your kid or a relatives child to an event there or to a party the pedofile is at. A child's life and innocence should be more important than MIL feelings.   
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  • If she's unwilling to host it elsewhere, I think you need to decline the shower, regardless of how upset that may make her. This is a matter of principle: you need to let her know how serious this is, and that you have zero tolerance over this issue if that's really how you feel.

    Also, you sound like you're only assuming that the shower will be held at M's house---is this actually the venue that your FMIL has suggested or are you just basing it on how things have been done in the past? Because it could be a non-issue if she's planning to hold it elsewhere...
  • I would find out first where she plans on having it, because he is getting out in a month the friend might not want everyone at her home.

    In all honesty, if I were you, I would have my FI mention it to his mother in passing - like "hey mom where are you guys having the shower?" and if she says its 100% at M's house have your FI tell her he doesn't feel comfortable with it and have a list of other venues ready to go!
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