Is it ever ok to object?

Montauk Daisy · October 2011

I'm a MOG who has kept her mouth closed and my purse stings open. We are paying for 1/2 of the wedding with the other 1/2 divided between the brides parents and the happy couple. That doesn't include the cost of a rehearsal dinner, which they don't want or the cost of the brides dress which I paid for since I didn't want her to have to pay for it herself. I have 3 daughters and plan on buying all of their dresses. To me this is a new daughter and if her mom or stepmom aren't buying it, I am happy to do so.

I have two things that are really troubling me and I am not sure if I should say so or keep quiet.

The first thing is that they are not having flowers. They are doing nice center pieces and the bride will have a bouquet. There is no bridal party. The bride does have a sister, mother and stepmother. The groom also has mother, 3 sisters and a grandmother attending. I really want us all to have some sort of flower especially for the grandmother. I think it is appropriate for the immediate family, including men to have some kind of flower. It helps guests who may not know you that you are an important person in the couples lives. I am more that willing to pay for it but should I even bring it up? I think it is not important to the the bride's mom to have any flowers so the couple thinks it is ok to exclude it but is it ok for me to say it is important to me?

The other thing is the mother son dance. My son asked me to select one and I immediately told hiim what I would like. Now a month before the wedding he tells me that his bride would prefer another song. One that has no meaning to me. I am willing to compromise but I feel like my son or I should select it.

I'm curious to hear what other things Mother's objected to and what is the nicest way to voice it?

Ally Bee · October 2011

I say this as nicely as possible this is not your day. I know that since you are contributing toward the cost of the wedding that you are entitled to input. However these two things seem pretty minimal and I think unless you want to risk a big argument you should just roll with it.

Montauk Daisy · October 2011

I appreciate what you are saying. The last thing I want is argument. But I wonder if it is ever ok to say what hurt's your feelings or do you just swallow it? Nothing is more important to me than my children's happiness.

RaptorSLH · October 2011

If you're paying for half the wedding, you do get some input. You ought to be able to gently ask these questions in a way that respects you both. There's a huge difference between "I'm paying so we're doing it my way," and sitting down to discuss the things that are important to you.

I know there are things I'm including because they will mean a lot to my mom. Ditto for dad, sister, FFIL, and FMIL. There's a good chance she's made these decisions without knowing how you feel, and would be willing to compromise if she did.

There's a lot of variables here. The biggest ones that come to mind are: How much other input/control have you had over the plans? How good is the relationship between you? and How important has she said these things are to her and why?

Elinetrouwt · October 2011

Of course you can say these things! You say that so far, you have not given any strings. These are two small things, sure you can talk about them. I think you son and FDIL are very lucky to have such a generous mother, who really wants them to be happy! Sure, it's their day, but I want my mother to be nothing but happy on my wedding day too.

Your son and FDIL probably don't care about these flowers either way. If my mom would tell me that she found this important, and was willing to pay for it, I'd be happy to have them for her, even though I couldn't care less about flowers myself.

About the dance - I think you're right, if they're doing a specifical mother-son dance (you're not talking about one that doubles as the father-daughter dance, right?), it should have some meaning to your son and you. It is a bit rude to ask you to pick one, and then go with another when. I'd ask them if they're open to any other suggestions, and tell them how you feel about this. You say the bride wanted something else, what does your son think?

kmmssg · October 2011

You could ask her if she would like you to get the corsages/bouts but if she declines, let it go. The dance? The song chosen for your mom/son dance should not be up to the bride at all and it really rubs me the wrong way that she has asked that you dance to something that has no meaning to you. How would she feel if your son told her he wanted her to dance with her dad with a song that he chose that had no meaning?

Can you chat about the song with your son?

Maggie0829 · October 2011

Personally I would just let the flower thing go. I understand your position and about wanting certain people to have them but that really isn't something to get into an argument about.

I will, however, agree with you about being hurt about the bride asking you to change your mother/son dance song. Personally, she should have no say over what song you dance with your son to. I would say something about this and let them know why you chose the song you did and that you would really like to keep it. I didn't like the song that my MIL chose but I didn't have to dance to it so in the end I didn't care what was playing...that is the time for the mother and son to have a moment together...the bride shouldn't try and control it.

AdeleDazeem · October 2011

I think you should definitely be able to say something about both these things!

1. If my mother came to me and said "I really would like corsages for these people. I'm willing to pay - what do you think?" I would have immediately agreed.

2. The bride gets no say on your mother/son song. Tell your son that you are uncomfortable with the bride dictating a song for a meaningful moment between you two.

gabriel0915 · October 2011

I would have to agree with some girls but not all. I think you need to let the flower thing go. It's wonderful that you are paying for part of their wedding but it's not your day and if she doesn't want to look of flowers it shouldn't be forced upon her. I understand that you're wanting them but it's not something that I would have worrid about if it was me.

As for the song, that's a different story. I would never ask my FI and his mom to dance to something that they didn't care about. Unless it was to deliberatly show me up (she's not my biggest fan) but it's his dance and he doesn't decide hers so I would say something about that, nicely.

Good luck!

i2012do · October 2011

I think that if you really have not had much input the entire time, then it is perfectly ok to say to your son "you know I'd really love it to be recognized with a corsage and I think it would be nice if the brides mom and step mom were too! I know it doesnt matter to them, but it matters to me" then its up to your SON to say something to FDIL.

The song should be your choice. Unless of course its a father/daughter dance at the same time, then the couple should chose.

I suggest before you speak to them, you think back---and think if you had made many other requests that you thought were small. As a bride, I know that I think and voer think EVERY tiny detail. I assume all brides are the same way. If the bride feels like she has already tweaked other details of the wedding to appease you- she may be less willing to budge. If this is your first few things you are requesting- then I think you can mention them.

Also, I applaud you for asking this on here rather than running off and telling the bride what she must do, and for being an involved inlaw. A lot of the postings on this baord, if you notice, are of brides having problems because a parent, step parents and in laws are giving them a difficult time, acting like it is their own wedding, or simply not participating.

aacc · October 2011

I think saying something about the song is ok. It is your dance with your son so you should get to choose a song that means something to you - just mention how important it is to you. If the bride begins to show her 'zilla fangs, drop it because you are not likely to get anyway and you don't want to "start something."

Just because you are paying it does not mean you get a say so. Yes, sometimes money comes with strings, but this doesn't mean they should come with strings. Hopefully you are contributing money because you want to help make the day extra special. If somebody is contributing money to gain some control of the wedding (which it doesn't really sound like you are), that's pretty crappy on their part.

Mention the flowers, but drop it after you receive the bride and groom's response because, like PPs said, it's not your wedding. If there are no flowers because of finances (even with your financial help), are you willing to pay a little more for the flowers? If so, mention that if you haven't done so.
But if they don't want flowers because they simply don't want flowers, that is their decision for their wedding. Be happy and enjoy - the wedding will be beautiful anyway.

aacc · October 2011

BTW, how lovely of you to purchase her dress!!

Kate61487 · November 2011

I think it's 100% okay to at least mention these things. I'm not saying to shove it down her throat if she doesn't love the idea, but I think it's ridiculous that people are telling you not to voice ANY opinion because "it's their day".

If the bride is carrying flowers I doubt she HATES the idea of looking at flowers; she probably just figured it wasn't necessary and it was a way to cut the budget. If you express that it would mean something to you (and esp if you're willing to pay for it) I can't imagine she'd say no.

As for the song I agree with pretty much all the PPs. The M/S dance song should be picked by the groom and/or mom. If it's a joint M/S F/D then you might have to work with her; even then you should still be able to come to a compromise on a song you all like.

PS - I totally thought you were talking about standing up at church and saying "I object!" during the vows. glad i was wrong.

CowgirlK39 · November 2011

About flowers - I would ask what they think of your idea. If they don't like it for some reason, don't push it. Maybe they just aren't flowery people.

About the song - That is certainly NOT her say. Unless you picked a crazy song or dance that is embarrassing (which I doubt), then there is no reason she should tell you how to spend that moment with your son. Can I ask what song you liked?

GloriaVictis · November 2011

Wow, you sound like a very supportive FMIL! I think that is so nice that you paid for for FDIL's dress - that is very thoughtful, and was also probably very touching for the bride.

On the topic of the flowers, I agree with the other posters that the bride and groom probably don't really care about the flowers either way, and maybe are excluding them to save money. I would suggest gently just asking them why they are choosing to not have bridal party / parents flowers....if it's just to save money, etc, then go ahead and offer to pay for them so they can have them! If the answer is "because we hate flowers and if we have them it will wreck our day" (obvious exagerations there...) then maybe just let it go.

The son/mom dance though....is just silly. That should be between you and your son, and really has nothing to do with the bride (unless you choose a song that was played at her grandparent's funeral, or for some other reason really upsets her). Maybe explain to her that it kind of hurts your feelings that you might not get to dance to the song most meaningful for you and your son, and ask if there was a specific reason she said no to the song you had picked.

Montauk Daisy · November 2011

So I thought long and hard about anything else I may have asked for. They showed me my part of the guest list and told me I could add on and I did ask that two guests be invited with a plus one because they are in a relationship. I would say they sought our approval on things like the date, venue and menu but it was of course all their decision.

The reason they want me to change my song selection is it is longer by about 25 seconds than the father daughter dance. My song needs to be the same length or shorter. It's craziness and I am not going to be a part of it. I asked my son to choose some other possibilites with the appropriate length for me select from.

I didn't even mention the flowers.

Meghannsix · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-object?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2dbf6ca2-e1ca-41fb-ad2f-cb8fcc004861Post:e448fc13-e972-4059-8fea-b523680feb74">Re: Is it ever ok to object?</a>:
[QUOTE]So I thought long and hard about anything else I may have asked for. They showed me my part of the guest list and told me I could add on and I did ask that two guests be invited with a plus one because they are in a relationship. I would say they sought our approval on things like the date, venue and menu but it was of course all their decision. The reason they want me to change my song selection is it is longer by about 25 seconds than the father daughter dance. My song needs to be the same length or shorter. It's craziness and I am not going to be a part of it. I asked my son to choose some other possibilites with the appropriate length for me select from. I didn't even mention the flowers.
Posted by Montauk Daisy[/QUOTE]

Holy cow, seriously? I hope your son finds something nice, that you both like. Just curious, what is the time limit she's looking for? Maybe we can help you with some possible song options.

kmmssg · November 2011

25 seconds? That is just stupid. I wish your son had put his foot down on this one but he didn't. I"m sorry you aren't getting the song you wanted. She sounds incredibly petty.

Kate61487 · November 2011

the 25 second thing is asinine. can't the dj shorten it anyway? most dj's could cut out a verse or something and shorten it, no problem (DJ played a shorted version for my brother's M/S because neither my brother or mom are dancers and they wanted it short)

Simply Fated · November 2011

Like Kate said, see if the dj can shorten the song or fade it out. Length sounds like a stupid reason to completely strike a song, since it's so fixable. GL!

gailpete · November 2011

Length of song??? That's ridiculous. You and your son should dance to the song you want. No one (other than the bride, apparently) will notice.

I think you should still broach the subject of flowers for the parents and grandparents. If you are willing to pay for them, I don't understand why the bride would care.. If her mom doesn't want one, she can take it off and set it aside. I know the corsage my MIL wore at DD's wedding meant a lot to her and she appreciated being recognized.

You are paying for half of this wedding and if the song and flowers are the two things you want, that is certainly not unreasonable.

You are a peach of a FMIL and your FDIL is lucky to have you.

Good luck.

P.S. Asking that the SO of a guest be invited is not unreasonable, it's good etiquette.

Soon2BeMrsTing · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-object?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:2dbf6ca2-e1ca-41fb-ad2f-cb8fcc004861Post:79ab0b25-abbb-4786-9412-746d251eee09">Re: Is it ever ok to object?</a>:
[QUOTE]Like Kate said, see if the dj can shorten the song or fade it out. Length sounds like a stupid reason to completely strike a song, since it's so fixable. GL!
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

This is exactly what we did, for BOTH dances with parents, simply because H and I figured that most people don't care to watch five minutes of father-daughter dancing, followed by another five full minutes of mother-son dancing. We wanted the songs to play for enough time that our parents felt loved and honored and some good pictures could be taken, and each song was faded out within two minutes, with the one song fading into the beginning of the next. Our first dance song was faded out early, also. We just wanted to cut the amount of time spent on the dances which only involve two people.

You do sound like such a sweet MIL. I hope your DIL comes around. She's micromangaing a bit!

sabrina69barnes · November 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_ever-ok-object?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:2dbf6ca2-e1ca-41fb-ad2f-cb8fcc004861Post:08af5b28-0428-4713-a9c5-28f52c731abd">Re: Is it ever ok to object?</a>:
[QUOTE]You could ask her if she would like you to get the corsages/bouts but if she declines, let it go. The dance? The song chosen for your mom/son dance should not be up to the bride at all and it really rubs me the wrong way that she has asked that you dance to something that has no meaning to you. How would she feel if your son told her he wanted her to dance with her dad with a song that he chose that had no meaning? Can you chat about the song with your son?
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

This. The bride shouldn't get a say in the song for the mother and the groom unless she has already chosen that song for her and her dad. I let MIL and DH pick any song they wanted. DS1 is only 5 but I already have a song in mind for his wedding. I would be pretty upset if his future wife told me I couldn't have it just because she didn't like it.

Montauk Daisy · November 2011

Thank you for all of your responses and support.

The song that I chose was not the same as the bride father song. I'm not going to say what is was but it is a fairly popular song for mom's and son's to dance to and nothing offensive.

My son knew he was hurting me when he asked me to change because he even said to me I feel like I am taking this away from you. I said well yes you are... I don't know if he told me the right reason or not but I am choosing to be the adult and not make it into a huge issue.

I really do appreciate all of your opinions because if I shared my hurt with my husband and our other children there might have been a confrontation that could have spoilt the day.

I know it is the bride's day and I don't blame any of this on her. I really think it was up to my son to stay something. He told me that she is going to great length's to please her parents. Evidently, they are all making demands that they are finding hard to meet. They divorced when she was 14 and made it a point to always do everything exactly equal for her and her siblings and now the bride feels she has to have everything equal too.

The bride thinks both sides of her family get along but I have had emails from her mom and stepmom that make me to think differently. Today one of them emailed me to ask if I could use some of my "miles" so some of her guests could attend the wedding. They noted that I said please feel free to ask if you need anything.

Do I even respond to that? Should I tell my son their request or keep him uninvolved? I'm thinking of just replying that I am sorry but I cannot because I have not finished planning my travels for next year.

I did give enough miles for the happy couple to travel first class to their honeymoon.

I forgot about that in my first post but I was happy to do it.

I did ask why they weren't doing more flowers and I was told that some family members feel it is a waste of money.

None of this is going to stop me from supporting my son and his new wife. Hopefully we will dance many more times and have time to stop, enjoy and smell the flowers.

SUMMERBABY070481 · November 2011

First I must say that I think that you sound like a dream FMIL! I wish my MIL was like you. Now getting to your post. Since you are paying for part of the wedding and since you even paid for her wedding gown I think that you should definetly sit down with your son and your future daughter in law and explain to them that it would mean a lot to you to have a corsage...and as for the mother/son dance...its your special time on the dance floor with your son and the song should mean something to both you and your son. When we were planning our wedding my MIL wasn't involved AT ALL and that was fine with us, but I still gave his mom a corsage and let her choose the song to dance with her son to...we had a catholic ceramony and even at the church after we presented flowers to the blessed mother we each gave our mothers a single rose ( I gave mine to my dad since my mom passed away). I think that if you sit them down and explain (not demand) then it would be fine! good luck!

scorpgirl1120 · November 2011

25 seconds???? Tell her to ring a bell when she wants you to get off the dance floor! Are you kidding me??? Is there a timeline? Unreasonable! Remind her and your son that it's his day too and if that song is important to you for your son then that's what you should get!!!!

Flowers....SOL. She doesn't want them then you don't need them. Maybe she's being considerate and knows she can't afford them... and since you sound like a dream paying for everything....maybe she doesn't want you paying for anything else! has she already told you that she doesn't want flowers or did you just figure it out? maybe you can mention to her the type of flowers for the corsages and feel her out. If she says no then drop it. I know it's important to you but everyone at the wedding will know you're the MOG no matter what.....at least she's not choosing your dress out!!

Is it ever ok to object?

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