Unwanted wedding party member

wendy8346 · December 2009

My fiance has 4 children. His oldest is a 16yr old boy, who doesn't visit on any kind of regular basis, doesn't speak really to his father on any kind of regular basis, and is in Seattle with his uncle right now as a "last ditch effort" to try to change his "thought process" for lack of a better phrase (we live in California). Basically, he is a screw up. He does't like me, doesn't like the idea of his father marrying me (although his mother is already remarried with a new baby!), and refuses to listen to anything I say. He lives with his mother and unfortunatley gets no "home training." My fiance has decided to make him an usher in our ceremony, which I really don't want, but I did leave it up to him to decide. I did put my foot down and say that he was not allowed to be anything but an usher, though. If this kid says or does anything during my wedding, I will knock him out! HELP!

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2009

You need to see the bigger picture...this boy is going to be your step-son. You need to learn how to deal with him for the rest of your life (if his involvement improves), not just as the usher at your wedding.
As far as the wedding goes, try to ignore his immaturity and don't let him get to you; he's a teenager and that's his goal.

AdeleDazeem · December 2009

Oi - that's your future stepson. And he's a teenager to boot. You are the adult here. He only ruins your wedding if you let him. Just ignore him and focus on the point of the day.

And I wouldn't care how much I didn't like someone in my fiance's family, they are important to fiance (especially a child!) then I have to respect that.

Mrs.B6302007 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unwanted-wedding-party-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f5991fc7-73b8-4f1c-994f-3fced89a82a5Post:ab8e254e-d384-4a21-bd23-a8c6ded82bd5">Unwanted wedding party member</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance has 4 children. His oldest is a 16yr old boy, who doesn't visit on any kind of regular basis, doesn't speak really to his father on any kind of regular basis, and is in Seattle with his uncle right now as a "last ditch effort" to try to change his "thought process" for lack of a better phrase (we live in California). Basically, he is a screw up. He does't like me, doesn't like the idea of his father marrying me (although his mother is already remarried with a new baby!), and refuses to listen to anything I say. He lives with his mother and unfortunatley gets no "home training." My fiance has decided to make him an usher in our ceremony, which I really don't want, but I did leave it up to him to decide. I did put my foot down and say that he was not allowed to be anything but an usher, though. If this kid says or does anything during my wedding, I will knock him out! HELP!
Posted by wendy8346[/QUOTE]

JIC

aerinpegadrak · December 2009

Um, honey? It's not just your wedding. Your FI deserves to have his son there in whatever capacity he wishes, because it's his wedding.

Nothing can ruin your wedding day unless you allow it to. If he acts out, just ignore him. Short of lighting you on fire or shooting the priest before he can marry you, what harm can he really do?

banana468 · December 2009

Ditto Mrs.B.

And when it comes to how to deal with the child, leave that to the father. You and your FI need to come up with a gameplan for your marriage now.

megk8oz · December 2009

When you marry somebody that has kids, the kids are part of the package, no matter how you happen to feel about them. Just because he's not around that much doesn't mean he's not a part of the new family emerging from your marriage.

It's your FI's wedding, too, if he wants his son as an usher, you don't get a say on that. You said it yourself the kid is 16. 16 and making mistakes (No matter how big or small) doesn't constitute "screw up" ... being like 30 and getting arrested for drugs and alcohol is a "screw up". He's clearly got a lot going on in his life. Parents got divorced and re-married? You said he's fine with his mom being re-married with a new baby, but you also said that you barely have a relationship with him, so how do you really know that he's "fine" with it? And he's been shipped off to a new state, and a new school, because his own parents have deemed him a "problem", at an age where everything is "the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me". Maybe, just maybe, he's having a hard time adjusting to it all.

Even if he was a pefect angel, at his age, he'd still have a lot of maturing to do.

You have to just trust he'll behave that day. If he doesn't, you can't let it ruin your day.

[Deleted User] · December 2009

You need to be the adult in this situation and like Mrs. B said, you need to step back and look at the bigger picture.

And if I were you, I'd be more worried about trying to establish a healthy relationship with my future step son than how I'm going to "knock him out" durng the wedding. Does your FI know you feel that way? Something tells me that the issues going on here might not be coming only from his side.

stina93446 · December 2009

You need to be the better person here. You're the adult, and this son of your FI is only 16. You are going to be a step mom and the wedding will be a great spot to show him (with the position of usher) that you care about him and that you accept him. I really don't see what your issue is.

jeannigirl · December 2009

Wow what a great step mom your going to be with an attitude like that. Come on seriously your the adult act like one. He'll eventually grow up if you don't hold things he does against him. Now I understand their has to be boundaries and those need to be set with your FI and he needs to talk to his son about inapporitate behaviors.

You got to buck up and be a better person.

MyNameIsNot · December 2009

Setting limits for your FI's involvement with his own child is not a good way to start a marriage. This kid is your FI's son, and your FI is going to love him for the rest of his life. That's his child, and he loves him unconditionally.

The wedding is symbolic of this whole thing. You demanding that your FI not have him as a GM is symbolic that you are forcing your FI to keep the kid at arm's length. You are going to cause resentment and hurt feelings with both of them, and complicate things for yourself even more.

You are the adult here. You need to act like one, apologize to your FI for making this demand and acting like a child, and explain that you will always support him in whatever roll he wants his child to have, both in the wedding and in your lives. Then leave it up to him.

Kirsti44 · December 2009

With such a great support system, no wonder he's a "screw up." I can see why he's not excited for the wedding.

duckie1905 · December 2009

Be an adult and realize that your relationship with this teenager will extend (hopefully) for many years beyond your wedding day. Start acting like a mature, responsible adult because your soon-to-be stepson is acting like what he is; a teenager.

kimberlyann1974 · December 2009

Ok, first off...the child is not a "screw up." and to call him such a thing is irresponsible on your part. It sounds as if this kid has been through some stuff, and if he doesn't have a relationship with your FI then you probably have very little knowledge at what he has been through. He probably doesn't trust you to be honest, and you're giving him very little reason to. A kid who feels abandoned, and I would bet you he does, has major trust issues and they don't let people in easily. You need to step up and learn some patience. You have a huge opportunity to make a big difference in the lives of 4 children...and you're not getting off to a proper start...and also, kids can feel when you do not like them...he knows you don't care for him, do you really think he's going to listen to you? Change your attitude and stop acting spoiled, and maybe he'll come around. Just understand that this can take years...also your husband needs to really reach out to him too...and I hope you won't stand in the way of that.

Second, as others have mentioned..you have no say in what roll your FI kids play in the wedding. And as a mother of children myself, if my FI had demanded that if i "must" have my kids in the wedding...they can only play specific rolls...he wouldn't be my FI. Also, if he ever said he would "knock them out" if they did anything wrong, I'd knock his butt out the door..thank God I have a FI who understand that my children will always be a part of our lives and loves and accepts them...as a result they love and accept him too...and all mine are teens, from a broken home, with trust issues. Their father not only bailed on them when they were small, but did various other horrible things along the way..and now they really don't have a relationship and yes, they have a hard time trusting (this is not to say your FI did anything horrible to his kids, just showing that I have an understanding of these kind've situations) My FI has become a major important part of their lives...just as you can with his, it's up to you. I hope for your sake, your FI sake and the sake of all of his children can have a change of heart.

-Kimberly

AntjeOct2010 · December 2009

You are marrying the 16 year old kid's father. Which will make him your son, whether or not you like it. If you can't love his children as your own, then why his he marrying you?? A marriage the involves children isn't just between the 'adults' but the children as well and you need to have love not only for your fiance but his children too, otherwise you guys won't work. I realize you don't want to 'replace his mom' but you can learn to be another figure he looks up too and can learn to trust.

I agree with Mrs.B, you have to look at the bigger picture.

dsg728 · December 2009

wow, I can't imagine what this child is going through right now. Why isn't he with his father straightening his life out? and why doesn't FI talk to his son on a regular basis? And he doesn't see him on a regular basis? No wonder he's a "screw up"

dsg728 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_unwanted-wedding-party-member?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:f5991fc7-73b8-4f1c-994f-3fced89a82a5Post:937f7ed6-3e39-4204-8150-20b9138e1f2e">Re: Unwanted wedding party member</a>:
[QUOTE]Setting limits for your FI's involvement with his own child is not a good way to start a marriage. This kid is your FI's son, and your FI is going to love him for the rest of his life. That's his child, and he loves him unconditionally. The wedding is symbolic of this whole thing. You demanding that your FI not have him as a GM is symbolic that you are forcing your FI to keep the kid at arm's length. You are going to cause resentment and hurt feelings with both of them, and complicate things for yourself even more. You are the adult here. You need to act like one, apologize to your FI for making this demand and acting like a child, and explain that you will always support him in whatever roll he wants his child to have, both in the wedding and in your lives. Then leave it up to him.
Posted by MyNameIsNot[/QUOTE]I hate to say this, BUT a real man/good father, imo is not going to allow anyone to stand between him and his child in any way.

Sheri Ruth · December 2009

We wrote a letter to our children and had one of them read it during the ceremony. You need to realize his son has been given no choice in this - and that YOU have to respect HIS place in your fiancee's life....not the other way around. Here is what we wrote and really, truly meant it. You need to rethink what it will do to this boy's life if you marry his dad feeling the way you do about him.

Child of Mine,

On this momentous night, though very much in love, I remain first and foremost a parent, and as such, wish to address the occasion from that perspective.

I recognize that you were given no choice in this event. You are making no vow tonight nor should you be. Instead, I wish to affirm the bond I have with you. The strongest rope is woven from many strands. My bond with you is the countless precious memories we have together. Your first word, your first step, sweet baby breath whispering a secret, the tight hug that says “I love you”. Even the dirty diapers are precious memories. I carry those memories, that bond, in my heart forever and so into this new chapter of my life. As we marry, both of us acknowledge that the bond we have with our children individually is one of the things we love about each other.

You shall be loved every moment of your life, every moment I draw breath. It is my deepest hope that you will find the love in this new marriage extends and enfolds you. I desire for you to find in this marriage affection from a friend you did not know you’d have and contentment in a family circle that, while atraditional perhaps, remains intent on providing all of us with the tenderness and fulfillment that only close family ties can bring, stable and strong. As your life moves from this day onward, growing, shifting and changing as you do, I hope you will always have the blessed certainty of knowing that your place cannot be changed by anything we do here today. You belong. It is my fervent prayer as you grow and negotiate the terrain of your life that you will find our relationship continues to be the safe harbor and refuge it always has been. Our individual histories do not disappear nor get swept aside simply because one of your parents fell in love.

And now we both vow to you to continue to see the history of the individual relationships we have with you and to give those relationships and that history respect, tenderness and space to grow. In our desire to see one another happy and fulfilled, we could not honor our promises here if we did not see your place in each other’s heart and give it our heartfelt blessing, for one another and most of all, for you.

Thank you for being here tonight to share in our joy. Thank you for loving us enough to be happy for our happiness. You have been loved from the moment you drew breath; you will be loved until the day we are gone and into the world after this. That never, ever can change.

kimberlyann1974 · December 2009

Sheri..that was beautiful. I'm crying like baby! What a lovely idea, I think I'll be working on letters to my children tonight.

Sheri Ruth · December 2009

Everyone was sniffling by the end of it. We were so glad we did it. His kids are in their early 20s and mine are 11 and 15.

lovetruly06 · December 2009

I want to yell at you right now, I seriously want to rip you up one side then down the other, until you feel as bad as your making your future stepson feel. But I'm not going to. Everything everyone has said so far has been right. Also as a child of divorce and remarriage, I say this with honesty and experience, cut the kid a brake! He is 16. Try to remember how bad life was to you at that age. "Everything sucks, everyone is out to get you and everyone hates you" Yeah it's your wedding and your day, but it's also your FI wedding and it's going to be your JOINED family, forever. Don't forget that. This kid knows how you feel about him, trust me, he does. You have to keep the bigger idea in mind, giving this kid the love and support he needs to open up to you and your FI and let you know how he feels. Because, he's probably not as ok with his moms remarriage as you think. When children are put in that position, more often then not they feel like their parents are betraying them, like their leaving them behind and don't care anymore. You said his mom just had a new baby, well when new kids come along those feelings can get worse. He's not a "screw up" and for you to call him so, is VERY wrong on your part. My father just went through his second divorce a year ago and is already planning on getting married, and I hate the idea, for the reasons I just told you and im 21, so do my sisters, but we respect him and he has the right to make that choice. Your FI's son is most likely not the only one of his kids feeling this way, just to only one choosing to act it out. So Instead of just getting angry at him, help him. Try spending some time with him one on one, go to a movie, do something with him that he's interested in. Show him you want to make your two families one and that your serious about forming some kind of relationship with him. My dads second wife and I haven't seen eye to eye and we probably never will, but I know that even thought their not together I know that if I need her I can go to her because she was there and took the time to try and become my friend if nothing else. Your relationship will not be perfect, but it can be easy and good. His kids just need to know your not trying to take their dad away from them and take away what they have let of their family. Also if your FI doesn't do this, it would be helpful if he spent some one one one time with his some too. He is clearly going through alot, with his parents and then being shipped off to someone else like he doesn't matter. That is hard for a kid to deal with. As far as your wedding goes if he still is acting like a jerk--like let's face it, every 16 does--just ignore him, there's not much he can do that will ruin your wedding, and anything he does say or do most people will just ignore or understand because of everything he is dealing with at his age.

ldcf11206 · December 2009

Wow, you remind me of my stepmother, whom I have not talked to in 2 and 1/2 years. Take a wild guess as to why I stopped talking to her. I am 23 years old and my father married her when I was 15. In my opinion, your fiance should reconsider marrying you because #1 you don't respect his children and #2 how can you expect your marriage to work out if you're having this much trouble this early on? The kids were there first, you're the adult -- the newcomer into the family -- grow up and respect that. Have a heart, give the kid(s) the love that they need. On second thought, don't. They're probably better off without you.

Kaikaleanae · December 2009

Based on what you wrote, I think maybe you need to let the FI know how you feel. That his son, your future step son, doesn't seem to like you.

Now, I'll try not to make any assumptions, just base what I say on the info given by you here.

First off, do you know for sure that he's ok with his mom's remarriage and new baby? I didn't see that anywhere, so I wanted to check. Perhaps he is already upset about that marriage, then oh, look, now DAD'D DOING THE SAME THING!! See what I mean? As has been stated, perspective of the teenager is an interesting thing.

Second, your FI decided he just wanted him as an usher? Or did he acctually want him as a Grooms man or junior groomsman, but you talked him out of it? Is he doing it because he wants his son involved, but couldn't think of another way to do it? Maybe part of the problem is that he feels like he's being abandoned. New baby, three other siblings; mom may not have much time for him. Maybe, he sees it more as he's losing his dad that as something that makes dad happy.

Three, are you having problems with any of the other kids? What, exactly makes this one the screw-up? (note: I don't need to know that part. More of a 'Why do I feel this way" question) If so, then I agree with the assessment that you and FI need to rethink this wedding.

For better or worse, these will be your kids too. But if the problem is with JUST THIS ONE KID, then you still need to talk to FI about why that is. Like I said before, maybe it comes down to he feels like he's losing something instead of gaining. And I don't mean to imply the kid has a 'problem', I mean is he the only one acting up, has he always acted like this towards you, and do you know why? That's what should be discussed. If the rest of the little ones are basically ok with the wedding, is it a normal teenage rebellion, or is there something more to it?

Hope it helps, and that the rant here did you some good.

sharges · December 2009

Sheri, that was beautiful I'm getting married in August 2010 and my children are 22 & 18 and my FI's are much younger 14 & 7. My son the 18 year old was having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm getting married, both my children and I are very close and it has always been just us for a long time. I will definitely incorporate that idea of writing a letter to them, even if I don't read it at the wedding but just to assure them that the bond we have will always be there no matter what. Thanks for sharing.

deb84 · December 2009

Really? Did you just call your 16 year old future stepson a "screw up"?! How old are you and do you have any children? Does your future husband know how you feel about his son? If not you should tell him... I don't blame your stepson for hating you. You need to grow up and start acting like an adult. I'd start with worrying about your relationship with your future stepson and NOT about him "ruining" your wedding. Do you remember being 16??? Think back.....................

Oh, and you have NO RIGHT to tell your future husband who he can have in the wedding party and what role they can play. It is HIS day too and he deserves to have the people standing next to him that HE chooses. So if you told him he "couldn't" have his son as a groomsman (or whatever he wanted him to be) you need to apologize and tell him he can have whoever he wants play whatever role in his day that he wishes.

I wish your family the best.

meegz85 · December 2009

I feel sorry for your future step-son.

I don't have anything else to add, because all of the other ladies articulated my thoughts so well.

I just feel sad for him.

LesPaul · December 2009

Sheri - thank you. That letter is beautiful. I have a 19 year-old stepson who is 'difficult to like'. He is indifferent to me, at best. But he is not a bad person, and is a product of his environment. I really want to have a relationship, but because of his mother's inappropriate influence and difficulties with DH it isn't happening as I had hoped. SSon does not understand why his parents are divorced, and has been deliberately turned against DH by his mother. I am going to share this letter with DH and try use it as a starting point to build a better relationship with SSon and SDaughter. As many PPs have stated, it is up to me to be the adult and the better person here, regardless of how difficult it is to like him.

Sheri Ruth · December 2009

LesPaul, Joe and I have been together nearly 8 years now. His daughter, who is 24 and expecting her first child now, only started building a relationship with me in the past year. I just stood back, let her have her Daddy when she needed him and let her come to me on her own terms to get to know me. The last six months have been like a dream. We are building a lovely, warm friendship now. Give it time and space and you may be wonderfully surprised down the road, rewarded for refusing to have a competition and instead just hoping from afar. I didn't know she'd ever want a relationship, but I knew she'd always want her Dad. I let her have that. And now she is warm to me too. I am so thankful.

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