FMIL upset over invitations

shaper78 · May 2012

I'm having a huge problem with my FMIL over the wording of our invitations and could use some advice. As background, my parents are (very generously) paying for our reception. FI's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and offered to cover the cost of flowers (also very generous). When we were deciding on the invitations, we went with traditional/formal wording and considered my parents to be hosting the event, since they were covering the reception - which is by far the biggest cost. Since we went with tradition, FI's parents names were not on the invitation.

Well, my FMIL is literally flipping out over the invites and basically went off on my FI about how "this is not the way things are done". We were really confused because this is exactly how invitations are traditionally worded. Anyway, just to help ease the situation FI suggested that we include the "son of" wording a compromise. My parents and I were both fine with this, so we moved forward. Well, apparently FMIL is still unhappy with this and says that it's still not right.

Apparently her logic is that the invitation just mentions the church - and that my parents names shouldn't be the only ones on there as hosts, they both should. Since my parents are hosting the reception, their names (alone) should just appear on the reception card. FI tried to explain to her that this is not how things are done, but FMIL doesn't seem to understand and is causing a lot of tension, upset and overall angst in the family over this.

How should we handle the situation? How can we make her understand? Or are we the ones in the wrong?

aragx6 · May 2012

First of all, you're not wrong. You did it the traditional way and your parenst do seem to the be the host of the event.

But what about just going with

Together with their parents
Shaper78
and
Shaper78's FI
request the honour of your presence

in order to put an end to the drama?

HobokensFury · May 2012

This is why we put both of our moms as hosting. It avoided a huge fight. Also remember hosting does not equal paying.

christachick · May 2012

I am in a similar situation to you in that my FI parents are basically paying for the reception, but my parents are still contributing for some of the other costs (rehearsal dinner, shower, photographer) - just because your parents are paying for more, doesn't mean your FI parents should be omitted from the invite. I agree with aragx6 post above, and you should write "together with...." and include both parents.

aragx6 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_fmil-upset-over-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:f4666192-431f-4518-a99d-16c4763264fbPost:175429d5-4164-4c8f-b58f-a1eec8cb6021">Re: FMIL upset over invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]This is why we put both of our moms as hosting. It avoided a huge fight. <strong> Also remember hosting does not equal paying.
</strong>Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

Sure, but it seems as though her parents are, in this case, the ones hosting it.

I'm just not convinced it's a hill worth dying on -- I wouldn't want to upset FMIL if it could be avoided.

tlgrantham · May 2012

We're trying to avoid a similar situation so we're putting his mom's name (who is paying for the reception) as the host & then my parents underneath...Good luck!

Mrs...

requests the honour of your presence

at the marriage of her son

X

to

y

daughter of ____

shaper78 · May 2012

We have already compromised on the "son of" wording, but that was not good enough. On the other hand, my parents indicated that they would not be happy if they were not considered the hosts of their only daughter's wedding (they are very traditional).

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_fmil-upset-over-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:f4666192-431f-4518-a99d-16c4763264fbPost:37b101b1-e0f2-43e7-9879-6c3708bb4aef">Re: FMIL upset over invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]We have already compromised on the "son of" wording, but that was not good enough. On the other hand, my parents indicated that they would not be happy if they were not considered the hosts of their only daughter's wedding (they are very traditional).
Posted by shaper78[/QUOTE]

Let yor FI handle it.

Most of the wedding ivitations I've received, regardless of who is paying read:

<div align="center">Mrs. and Mrs. John Smith
request the honour of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Jennifer Smith
to
Jason Jones
son of
Mr. and Mrs. Jeffrey Jones
......</div>

kmmssg · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_fmil-upset-over-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:f4666192-431f-4518-a99d-16c4763264fbPost:37b101b1-e0f2-43e7-9879-6c3708bb4aef">Re: FMIL upset over invitations</a>:
[QUOTE]We have already compromised on the "son of" wording, but that was not good enough. On the other hand, my parents indicated that they would not be happy if they were not considered the hosts of their only daughter's wedding (they are very traditional).
Posted by shaper78[/QUOTE]

<div>That's fair enough. Take some invitation books, etiquette books, print off from Crane's site showing your FMIL that this is indeed traditionally correct. If your parents are upset (and I can see their point, they are hosting) then I don't think an automatic default to "together with their parents" is necessarily best.</div><div>
</div><div>Find a polite way to show her in black and white that what you are doing is correct. FI should be in on this and taking the lead.</div>

egm900 · May 2012

Your parents are hosting, even if FI's parents are paying for the flowers. I would stick with the "son of" lanugage just because it's a compromise and your parents wouldn't be thrilled with it looking like they are co-hosting. FI's parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner, and may send invitations indicating they are hosting that event. Can FI explain to his parents that yours are ultra traditional and would be upset at appearing like they are co-hosting the wedding? This was a major thing for my mother, but she refused all offers for contribution from FI's parents, so no problem when we got to invitations.

brianam25 · May 2012

I wanted to use the same wording as my parents' wedding invitation and what they had done was:

Mr and Mrs so and so
and
Mr and Mrs so and so
request the honour of
your presence at the marriage of their children,

Then it goes into your names, etc.

coraleetbwed · May 2012

You're absolutely correct. Let your FMIL have full say over the rehearsal dinner invitations.

If she's acting this ridiculous over the invitations, you're going to have to learn to ignore a lot of things from her!

littlemoments324 · May 2012

To prevent this we did this:

Bride
&
Groom

request the pleasure of your company at the celebration of their marriage..............

Sorry you're dealing with this

Let her worry about the rehearsal dinner invites & you worry about the wedding invites.

You're not in the wrong.

mbatzlaff · May 2012

We did "Together with our families"... for that very reason. My family is contributing to the wedding and FI's family probably won't be, but we didn't want to step on any toes. You have to decide if you want to do it the traditional way or make FMIL happy.

banana468 · May 2012

I'd explain to FMIL that the entire event is one thing. Your parents are hosting the ceremony AND the reception. The event is in two places but that does not mean that your parents are only hosting the second portion of the event.

zizibet · May 2012

I'd get an etiquette book from the library and show her., as any of them will tell her your and your FI are correct.

TheFutureMrsTorres16 · May 2012

I like the idea of "Together with their families". Its short and sweet. Good luck with FMIL and hope it gets easier for ya

shaper78 · May 2012

Thanks for the feedback guys. I know that there were a bunch of posts here, but it looks like they disappeared. Any way to get them back to see the other opinions? TIA

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

Here's what I had written Shaper:

Mr. and Mrs. John Smith
Request the Hounour of Your Presence
at the Marriage of Their Daughter
Jennifer Smith
to
David Doe
Son of
Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Doe

......

TheSlowskys · May 2012

you should leave it as the traditional wording. personally, i think its rude of them to expect the 'credit' but not fork over the money.

Brittswan · May 2012

You've done nothing wrong. I think adding the "son of" wording is sufficient!

carol23m · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_invites-paper_fmil-upset-over-invitations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:cd062f89-8272-496a-b0ab-225e1f87acecDiscussion:f4666192-431f-4518-a99d-16c4763264fbPost:06abc6a8-8377-4b17-8dd8-378944093e5e">FMIL upset over invitations</a>:<div>
</div><div>Hi there... I know this happened years ago, but I would like to know what the situation is like now between you and your MIL. I am going through the same thing, except all the invitations have been distributed and she is VERY upset that their names are not on the inviatation. There is nothing we can do anymore. We did not expect this reaction from her since they have not been involved in the wedding planning at all. '</div><div>
</div><div>She thinks I did this to spite her, and truth is, my FI is the one who chose the wording. She told me that it was a very low blow. I tried to explain that it was a decision purely based on etiquette and logic since they don't live in the same city wehre the wedding is taking place. Therefore, my parents are the hosts of the event. She is not listening. She is very upset.</div><div>
</div><div>I feel that the chances of having a decent relationship with my future In Laws are ruined. Is there any hope???</div><div>
</div><div>thanks for your input in advance.</div><div>-CM</div><div>
</div><div>--------------------------</div><div>
[QUOTE]I'm having a huge problem with my FMIL over the wording of our invitations and could use some advice. As background, my parents are (very generously) paying for our reception. FI's parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and offered to cover the cost of flowers (also very generous). When we were deciding on the invitations, we went with traditional/formal wording and considered my parents to be hosting the event, since they were covering the reception - which is by far the biggest cost. Since we went with tradition, FI's parents names were not on the invitation. Well, my FMIL is literally flipping out over the invites and basically went off on my FI about how "this is not the way things are done". We were really confused because this is exactly how invitations are traditionally worded. Anyway, just to help ease the situation FI suggested that we include the "son of" wording a compromise. My parents and I were both fine with this, so we moved forward. Well, apparently FMIL is still unhappy with this and says that it's still not right. Apparently her logic is that the invitation just mentions the church - and that my parents names shouldn't be the only ones on there as hosts, they both should. Since my parents are hosting the reception, their names (alone) should just appear on the reception card. FI tried to explain to her that this is not how things are done, but FMIL doesn't seem to understand and is causing a lot of tension, upset and overall angst in the family over this. How should we handle the situation? How can we make her understand? Or are we the ones in the wrong?
Posted by shaper78[/QUOTE]

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FMIL upset over invitations

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