What are your relationship rules?

teamUS2012 · October 2011

Do you and your fiance/hubby have any "rules" to keep your relationship/home happy? You know, the "never go to bed angry" type rules? If so, share them! Shoot, we might be the board that single-handedly decreases the divorce rate!

Our rules:
1. I won't ever let him leave the house horny, hungry, or angry. (Learned that one from my big sister LOL).

2. We won't go to bed without saying good night and I love you. We can go to bed angry because sometimes you just need to sleep on it. But we'll still be cordial to each other.

3. We won't sleep apart because of an argument (no sleeping on the couch or spending the night out, etc.). (My rule)

4. We'll pray together once a day, no matter what.

5. I won't ever criticize him (even constructively) in front of other people. (That's his rule... lol).

6. We won't be frustrated at the same time. If I get frustrated, he has to play the supporting role and help me get through it. If he gets frustrated, I have to play the supporting role and help him get through it.

Do you ladies have any rules that work for your relationship?

daniandron · October 2011

i love and agree with all of your rules. Our major one has been "we're going to work it out no matter what." So, knowing that, often we'll get into arguments and then angrily shout: But I'm still marrying you! Lol.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:2493ab50-af25-4b75-980d-58435be278cd">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]i love and agree with all of your rules. Our major one has been "we're going to work it out no matter what." So, knowing that, often we'll get into arguments and then angrily shout: But I'm still marrying you! Lol.
Posted by daniandron[/QUOTE]

I like that one. I'm going to have to add it to our list. "Divorce is not an option." I wrote that in my cousin's card in May when she got married. Last month (September), they had it out and he moved out. He realized his error within a day and wanted to come back but she wouldn't let him. I reminded her then that if divorce is really not an option, then she needs to just go ahead and let him come home.

I truly believe that the reason so many people end up divorcing unexpectedly is because they considered divorce an option from the beginning. If our only option is to work it out, then doggonit, we're gonna work it out no matter how long it takes.

MrsBoss2012 · October 2011

Wow...the Lord must be speaking to me. I started the love dare challenge already and thats the day I just read about establishing rules. We don't have these and honestly I hadn't thought of it. But I really like this idea. Guess we have some talking to do this evening! Thanks for the idea!

daniandron · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:8b437ad9-e7b8-4ef6-bd5f-263d89dd4905">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are your relationship rules? : I like that one. I'm going to have to add it to our list. "Divorce is not an option." I wrote that in my cousin's card in May when she got married. Last month (September), they had it out and he moved out. He realized his error within a day and wanted to come back but she wouldn't let him. I reminded her then that if divorce is really not an option, then she needs to just go ahead and let him come home. I truly believe that the reason so many people end up divorcing unexpectedly is because they considered divorce an option from the beginning. If our only option is to work it out, then doggonit, we're gonna work it out no matter how long it takes.
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

Exactly. I always said that I didn't want to marry because I didn't want to get divorced like everyone else I know. Once I realized that divorce was not in the equation for us, I relaxed and am preparing to grow old with him. Even when he's wrinkly.

island07b2b · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:2493ab50-af25-4b75-980d-58435be278cd">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]i love and agree with all of your rules. Our major one has been "we're going to work it out no matter what." So, knowing that, often we'll get into arguments and then angrily shout: But I'm still marrying you! Lol.
Posted by daniandron[/QUOTE]

THIS! We do that all the time. Our saying is "I love you but I don't like you right now". It's our way of letting each other know that we can argue and disagree but the love remains and always will be there. It's very comforting to me to know this because some of our disagreements are doozies and you do wonder if the wedding is off. LOL!

As to other rules we have, ours are basically like TeamUs. The only other rule I could add is about money. We don't restrict each other on what we can spend or not spend so long as the house is taken care of first on a monthly basis (i.e. bills and savings goals). So there will be the one account we both put money into each month to take care of the house. Thereafter, we use our own discretion on personal spending. That way neither one of us feels like we are being financially controlled but we are still both being responsible to our common goals.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

I'm trying to work through the money rules. Fiance is a bit reckless. I'm not.

The Lord's gonna have to help us with that one.

djscat · October 2011

Thanks ladies I am going to talk to FI tonight about putting these rules into effect now. We really need this cause sometimes things can get tense. To know that divorce is not an option would take such a weight off of my shoulders. l love this man to pieces and want to grow old, gray, and wrinkly with him. LOL

Baesmom · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:4865890a-5f52-402b-accc-627c9a2579f5">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are your relationship rules? : THIS! We do that all the time. Our saying is "I love you but I don't like you right now". It's our way of letting each other know that we can argue and disagree but the love remains and always will be there. It's very comforting to me to know this because some of our disagreements are doozies and you do wonder if the wedding is off. LOL! As to other rules we have, ours are basically like TeamUs. The only other rule I could add is about money. We don't restrict each other on what we can spend or not spend so long as the house is taken care of first on a monthly basis (i.e. bills and savings goals). So there will be the one account we both put money into each month to take care of the house. Thereafter, we use our own discretion on personal spending. That way neither one of us feels like we are being financially controlled but we are still both being responsible to our common goals.
Posted by island07b2b[/QUOTE]

^^^ THIS^^^
I also have a rule of no cursing at eachother when we are arguing. it doesnt do anything but make the other person madder and we get NOWHERE.
Another rule is we have to go on a date every 2 weeks. I dont care if its just to the bookstore to hang out cause we are broke. We must do something together as a couple. I created this one after our son came along. We go soo caught up in the baby, working overtime, and just the everyday activities that we started to forget we still need to focus on US.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

#random

Fiance always sings Musiq Soulchild's "Don'tchange" to me. It's a great song about sticking together no matter what.

Sherri0129 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:27c132f0-7c1d-4b17-a3e3-7efa92b14855">What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE] 1. I won't ever let him leave the house horny, hungry, or angry. 
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

Hilarious! My momma taught me that one!

We don't ever allow ourselves to go to sleep angry. We have this rule that whatever the situation is, we settle it and not let it grow or linger. We also make sure that when we do have an argument, we both get to speak how we're feeling. We never shut eachother up. Great communication is a lifesaver in relationships. And divore is definitely not an option!

We established that once we're married and living together, every Thursday we will get in the Kitchen together and try new things! Thursdays are his least busiest days between work, mentoring, and his rehearsals. What was so nice about it was that it was his idea! He even said that once we have children, we'll make this a family thing were we all get in the kitchen and cook together. Love having such a family man!

Another "rule" is that our personal business stays within the house.

I'm sure there's more "rules" that we go by.... but I can't think of them

teamUS2012 · October 2011

Ooooh those are good, Sherri. A family activity is always good for keeping families together. I'll have to mention that to him.

And you reminded me of another one of his rules. He is very private and doesn't like to share private business with anyone. So, no badmouthing each other to friends/fam and no discussing argument details with friends/fam.

My ex and I used to do the Wednesday Update: every Wednesday evening, we'd share 3 things we love about one another, 1 thing we want the other to work on and 1 thing we want to work on within ourselves.

I might see if I can talk FI into doing that, too.

djscat · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:c08f5aca-d264-44af-a750-c063879c34c8">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE] We established that once we're married and living together, every Thursday we will get in the Kitchen together and try new things!
Posted by Sherri0129[/QUOTE]

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!!! SUCH A GREAT IDEA. LOVE LOVE LOVE AND I AM STEALING IT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

wallacje · October 2011

I love the rules that you ladies have come up with.

Funny is that we should have laid these out in the beginning, they are more unspoken with us though. Reiterating them is definitely a good thing.

For me what was the point of getting married if we are both tihinking about divorce, um, I could have stayed single for that.

msktn95 · October 2011

These are great. I really love rule number one.

Sherri0129 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:cb14759d-4971-43f6-a71c-87a2e0141a51">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ooooh those are good, Sherri. A family activity is always good for keeping families together. I'll have to mention that to him.
Posted by teamUS2012[/QUOTE]

Definitely! Spending time as a family creates such a strong bond and it teaches your children a lot too. They'll remember the importance of spending quality time with your spouse and your familiy!

Sherri0129 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:b7b25a7b-c09a-47e9-a8a2-e43f41890d2a">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are your relationship rules? : THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED!!! SUCH A GREAT IDEA. LOVE LOVE LOVE AND I AM STEALING IT. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
Posted by djscat[/QUOTE]

You're welcome Hun! Glad I can help =) Gotta tell my FI! He's gonna love knowing that this idea is a hit on theknot. I talk about this website and you girls so much. Hopefully his head doesn't get big <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

Carla1019 · October 2011

These are great rules ladies and I'm going to write them down and discuss with FI.

I have broken so many good rules when we had problems in the past. Give him the silent treatment, took off my engagement ring and threw it on the floor, cursed him with every combination of 4 letter words I could think of even the phrases that don't make sense.

But what cured me of all these bad habits is that we pray and read a chapter of a relationship book EVERY night. Right now we are on the 5 love languages, before this we watched a DVD serious called "What if marriage is meant to make you Holly not Happy" - I highly recommend it.

faithlady · October 2011

TeamUS I'm definitely using #3. It's something that I have in the back of my mind but I need to make sure this is a habit and not an option.

One of our rules is we always kiss each other goodnight and no sleeping apart in the same house. We would like to not go to bed angry but sometimes the anger that remains is individual, not couple and the kiss serves as a reminder. Another rule we have is that we will only argue about something once. We will not have any of this repeat argument business. We will take the time to get to the real issue and not waste time using "cover" issues.

teamUS2012 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:597d5422-161a-4f36-bc3e-c43dd4de4049">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]TeamUS I'm definitely using #3. It's something that I have in the back of my mind but I need to make sure this is a habit and not an option. One of our rules is we always kiss each other goodnight and no sleeping apart in the same house. We would like to not go to bed angry but sometimes the anger that remains is individual, not couple and the kiss serves as a reminder. Another rule we have is that we will only argue about something once. We will not have any of this repeat argument business. We will take the time to get to the real issue and not waste time using "cover" issues.
Posted by faithlady[/QUOTE]

Oooooh I love that one!!! I'm really good for bringing up the same thing over and over, sometimes for no good reason at all.

I'm going to work on this one.

PrettyCW5 · October 2011

I'm loving the "rules' you all presented.

Ours are kinda unspoken but the main one that we have is "our business is our business" This one is very important as I have watched my mother and aunt submit to my grandmother who gives wise advice but sometimes doesn't understand the full situation and hastily "suggests" things to do. Both my mother and aunt's marriage ended in divorce. Not solely upon my grandma's suggestions but I do believe it caused unneccessary tension as she would speak upon something to my uncle or stepfather.

An example of this would be that movie that Morris Chestnut & Taraji Henson were in...I think it's called Not Easily Broken...

wallacje · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:c52f6e9d-c012-49ad-8bb3-accc8c0a0524">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm loving the "rules' you all presented. Ours are kinda unspoken but the main one that we have is "our business is our business" This one is very important as I have watched my mother and aunt submit to my grandmother who gives wise advice but sometimes doesn't understand the full situation and hastily "suggests" things to do. Both my mother and aunt's marriage ended in divorce. Not solely upon my grandma's suggestions but I do believe it caused unneccessary tension as she would speak upon something to my uncle or stepfather. An example of this would be that movie that Morris Chestnut & Taraji Henson were in...I think it's called Not Easily Broken...
Posted by PrettyCW5[/QUOTE]

This is a big one for H and I've been working on this. I tell my mom and sister everything, so it's hard not to talk when we are having a disagreement or what not.

Carla1019 · October 2011

100% agree that it is important to keep your business to yourself. If we have a major problem we will talk to a Christian counselor or another trained professional. If you tell family or friends they will resent your spouse even after you have forgiven him.

Also, we leave work problems at work. We will tell each other our frustrations while driving home but once we are home we can not continue to complain about work / co-workers. (my rule)

PrettyCW5 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:b3408ee9-e3c0-45ad-a439-a2d1ba0bbb70">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]100% agree that it is important to keep your business to yourself. If we have a major problem we will talk to a Christian counselor or another trained professional. If you tell family or friends they will resent your spouse even after you have forgiven him. Also, we leave work problems at work. We will tell each other our frustrations while driving home but once we are home we can not continue to complain about work / co-workers. (my rule)
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

Yep! This exactly!

djscat · October 2011

I am so going to compile all of these rules into one word doc and print them out so I can discuss with FI tonight! Keep them coming ladies this is GREAT!!!!!

Carla1019 · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:254f799f-e770-4147-adf5-9e201b2d08dc">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so going to compile all of these rules into one word doc and print them out so I can discuss with FI tonight! Keep them coming ladies this is GREAT!!!!!
Posted by djscat[/QUOTE]

Same here! But instead of saying "rules" this sounds controlling to me. I will call it Relationship Promises....

I promise to keep our business in the house.
I promise to NOT curse you out. LOL!
I promise to say I love you daily. etc, etc, etc,

and then we can sign it at the bottom.

nicknuttnc · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:34253aa3-35fd-4745-89d3-9a7de009735d">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are your relationship rules? : Same here! But instead of saying "rules" this sounds controlling to me. I will call it Relationship Promises.... I promise to keep our business in the house. I promise to NOT curse you out. LOL! I promise to say I love you daily. etc, etc, etc, and then we can sign it at the bottom.
Posted by Carla1019[/QUOTE]

I think this a very important rules. PPL start getting in trouble when they start listening to other ppl.

Baesmom · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:254f799f-e770-4147-adf5-9e201b2d08dc">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so going to compile all of these rules into one word doc and print them out so I can discuss with FI tonight! Keep them coming ladies this is GREAT!!!!!
Posted by djscat[/QUOTE]

GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! girl i am compiling a word doc as we speak. lol

djscat · October 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_relationship-rules?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:400Discussion:1c61b741-1ecb-4560-a1fa-068a4d65f68aPost:a585f703-ea89-446e-9522-7dad5f8fd040">Re: What are your relationship rules?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What are your relationship rules? : GET OUT OF MY HEAD!! girl i am compiling a word doc as we speak. lol
Posted by Baesmom[/QUOTE]

Okay so since you already did it can you send it to me. You can FB it to me. I actually had to work today so no time to put it together. Better still can you post it on the Love dare group page. I think the rest of the ladies would like it too. PLEASE and THANK YOU!!

ymw6110 · October 2011

This is so amazing and inspiring! It's easy to get wrapped up in the details of planning and not focus on the important things. I love this board! Thanks ladies.

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