honest advice wanted!

sparklekatez · January 2010

this is only my 2nd post here but I cant get a straight answer out of anyone regarding this topic and I really appreciated the comments to my last topic so here it goes...

My good friend and I are bridesmaids in eachothers weddings this april (hers) and july (mine). We're the first to get married in our social circle as well as our families, we have mostly younger siblings and cousins. Because of this I feel like we're sometimes wondering what modern day customs/ traditions/prices are since our parents paid $20 a plate at their weddings, haha!
I'm good friends with two other maids in her party, one of which is also in mine, and we're getting a little stressed out about the finances. Mind you, I'm unemployed and finishing my degree this semester and the two other girls are newly employeed (last couple months). we all understood that of course the bridesmaids would pay for something whether it be the bachelorette party or bridal shower contribution. We were prepared to put in a certain amount for the shower because the bride had a discussion with us regarding whether or not she should ask the 6th bridesmaid to be part of the wedding party bc she'd had some financial trouble recently. The bride had mentioned that she didnt think bridesmaid #6 woudl be able to pay for the dress/alterations, hair, contribute to the shower, shower gift, and wedding gift. At this point we were all thinking that our contribution would be in addition to money that a family memeber was going front to host the shower which is why the bride was expressing that she was also expecting a shower gift and wedding gift from her bridal party. Her M(atron)OH has been planning her shower via email this past month. She chose three venues which all had about the same price range and we all decided based on quantity of food offered for that median price. We've chosen a theme that doesnt involve extra $$ for decorations and we'll have simple flowers as a centerpiece on each table. Despite all of this, with the number of people the bride has put on her invite list for the shower and with the invites, venue, favors, and flowers its coming out to a minimum $450 per bridesmaid for the shower. We've spoke with the MOH of it turns out we're dividing the costs evenly, there is no family member contributing. I guess my friend and I feel somewhat blindsided because this wasnt mentioned until we directly asked how much we would need to give next month. Im also overwhelmed because of the finances I'm fronting for my own wedding between now and July. If I add in the gifts shes expecting for the shower and wedding, the price of the dresses and alterations, the money towards bachelorette party night out, and wedding day costs such as hair nails and shoes I think I'm looking at about $1000-$1200 contribution. My fellow bridesmaids and I would like to know if this is something of the norm now a days? Do we need to give a shower gift and wedding gift if we pay for the shower and bachelorette party?

SteveandKris · January 2010

Personally, I think that's awful. I would be floored, as it seems you were, if asked to front $450 for a shower. I think of shower as "brides closest female friends in someone's home, watching bride open gifts, finger foods, light beverages" Maybe a guestlist of 25? Add in a few from his side (mom, grandmom, cousins, sister? 30 maybe?

I would not expect a shower gift AND wedding gift from anyone. One gift.

I would not expect ANY gift from my bridesmaids. I may be in the minority.

Hair/makeup/etc. I hope to be able to front this cost for them. If I can't and they don't think they can afford it, I will be fine with them helping each other with hair and make up.

As far as I'm concerned. Buy dresss, have dress tailored, help me get to the wedding mostly sober and smile for pictures are all I expect. Anything else is bonus! I've had several offer to help me out with planning, one is also planning her own wedding. While a shower and b-party would be awesome and I know my MOH (sister) is planning to throw them, I don't think they need to be huge affairs.

sparklekatez · January 2010

The guest list is at 70 and the bride made it herself. I believe shes inviting appx150 to the wedding. I dont know how to express our scrupples about the finances since theyve taken on a mind of their own at this point. If we stand up and pay less who will cover whats left over? Her budget is very tight for the wedding, which perhaps makes it worse that shes expecting above and beyond from us.

kimheartsscott · January 2010

I do not expect any sort of gifts from my wedding party, and I certainly wouldn't ask them if they are financially able to be a bridesmaid based on what gifts I want them to buy! $450 per bridesmaid out of 6 bridesmaids? That is ridiculous. You are completely right to be worried about the money aspect of this wedding.

saisongbird · January 2010

That guest list NEEDS to be cut. You are WELL within your right to say, "I'm sorry, but I can't afford more than X on the shower. (Even if that's only 100 or 125). This is all you will be receiving from me, please plan the shower accordingly.

And honestly? I'd be pissed as fuuck if someone didn't ASK me what I could afford to spend on a shower. $450 is insane and you're getting raped, money-wise.

psichick · January 2010

this bitch is crazy. she should not expect ANYTHING from you, certainly not two gifts, a requirement of a few parties, or anything else. it sounds too like she's way too money obsessed. if she didn't want to choose a BM because she didn't think she could afford it then she's missing the point.

there's no way in hell you should be expected to shell out that kind of cash for a stupid shower. tell whomever is planning it that the price they've come up with is way outside of your budget. figure out how much you could give to help host the shower and tell her that. and be honest about it. "i'm sorry, but $450 is outside of my budget and i can't possibly afford that. i could aford $200 max." or something like that. you don't owe an explaination nor should you be made to feel bad if you can't spend what she wants you to.

i would also smack that crazy witch for what she's doing. that's very bridezilla.

sparklekatez · January 2010

thanks for all your advice girls! i'm relieved to say the least. I think I'm going to send out a bridesmaids email after this post. The funny thing is that she is a really sweet girl and very money conscious, to the point of being cheap. I dont think she'd intentionally think that shes suckering us into all of this but I have no idea what she had planned with a guest list at that number. We'd never be able to throw something at a house and cook for 70 guests and plates dont get much cheaper than $20 plus tax at a venue. Thanks for your input and keep it coming!

kimheartsscott · January 2010

Honestly, if I was a bridesmaid and she didn't narrow that guestlist or offer to help in some way, she would be getting plastic cups and 6-ft subs bought at the grocery store. Don't have a big enough house to fit all of those people? Well then we are having a picnic, and she better deal with it. BYO lawn chair.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

If the bridesmaids are supposed to pay for the whole thing, then you should make the guest list. Im sorry but how dare she think you guys should pay for everything. I have been the MOH in 2 weddings and I paid for alot, but always with the help of the family. 500 per bridesmaid is ridic. You all need to get together and talk about this with her and her MOH. I took the brunt of the expense as MOH and tried really hard to keep bridesmaid cost for the shower under 200 bucks. Your job at the shower is to make it go smooth and keep everything organized, not pay for her free for all. I would be pissed. Tell her to check herself.

You are completly within your right to say something. And say it soon.

Katyas90 · January 2010

$450 per bridesmaid for a shower?! That's insane! I would definitely not pay for that, no matter how much money I had.

Maybe I'm doing something wrong, but in planning my sister's wedding shower, it has cost very little for each of us, and my sister only has 3 bridesmaids. Then again, our "venue" is our oldest sister's house and our guest list less than 25 people. I understand wanting to throw your friend a nice shower, but there are people out there who have weddings less expensive than it sounds like this shower is getting.
If I was you, I would just be honest and say that you think $450 is pretty ridiculous. Since it sounds like other bridesmaids might agree, I don't think it would be too much of a problem to look at other options.

Also, I really like what steveandkris said. I just can't imagine needing to have 70 people at your shower. Especially when you said that her actually wedding is about 150, I can't understand why it's nessecary to have half of the people at your wedding also at your shower. I always looked at showers as being just for your closest family and friends. Maybe someone should also talk to the bride and let her understand that it's going to be difficult to pay for 70 people to come to her shower. Unless she's a total bridezilla, I think she'd understand.

morticia7867 · January 2010

I agree with Kimheartsscott! I would be making it some little caeser's 5 dollar pizzas and some pabst blue ribbon

)

redheadfsu · January 2010

450 for a shower plus other gifts, dress etc. The expectations are way to high.

I would say sorry I can not afford it. That is WAY to much to expect when they know your unemployed & in school. I would pull the MOH aside and explain I can pay X (even if it is $25). I agree a pizza party at a park or something is fine.

ecsmiles · January 2010

That is WAAAY too much money - I would just tell them you can only contribute $100 - and between the five or six of you thats plenty of money to have a nice shower. The bride doesn't get to dictate the shower, and she should not be expecting that type of financial burden on you guys.

megk8oz · January 2010

Ok, please remember paragraphs in the future, that was pretty hard to get through. I don't have much advice, but I have the following knee-jerk reaction:

If I was told that I had to shell out $450 just for the shower, I'd have to say to my friend "I'm sorry, but I really can't be a BM for you. I love you, but I just don't have the finances to swing this". And that would be the God's-honest truth.

swim1011 · January 2010

Ditto Megk. $450 just for the shower is insane, on top of everything else. I would politely bow out, esp since your wedding is so close to hers. Money is getting tight here, and we're getting married in June, due to all the expenses we're paying off, etc. She either needs to cut her guest list by at least half, or you need to politely decline the honor of being her BM.

jeannigirl · January 2010

$2700 for a shower that is totally off the charts, and ridicolous has h***. Second to throw a shower for a bride is an honor to the bride it is not required and she should not be having her hands in that whatsoever. All she's supposed to do is to hand over a guest list when asked by her BP.

GL with that it sounds insane.

krmabojo · January 2010

$450 from each BM from a shower? You better be eating prime rib and drinking the finest wine... at a location that hovers off the ground and shoots out free candy.

Long story short, she should not have planned or even expected a shower.

I would honestly tell her that you are sorry, but you cans imply not afford it, especially with your own wedding to plan.

megandjay · January 2010

Ditto.

Tell the MOH you can't afford it. Tell her what you are able to contribute. If she is hosting the shower, then she is taking on the responsibility for planning and budgeting.

If you can't afford to be part of the wedding, then tell the Bride and politely decline.

Bubbala · January 2010

$450 each for a shower!?!??!? Who the h*** is that crazy to expect anyone to pay that, let alone someone still in school! I'm sorry, but "No" would be the nicest way of putting it...

SarahPLiz · January 2010

I think you and the other BMs need to ALL say that the expense is too much for all of you, and that the shower needs to be scaled back to appetizers and cake and punch at someone's home. If 3 of you say no, then I bet the other 2 will follow suit. Stick to your guns. You can tell her that it was UBER rude of her to assume that your budgets could handle that much expense and that she should have asked you what you could afford and/or if you wanted to help host BEFORE she started planning.

This does not make you a bad friend to the bride. Don't let the MOH bully you into it.

Blueyed228 · January 2010

I agree, you all need to stcik together. She has alot of nerve to book a place and assume you all can afford it. When I was MOH and booked a place I did it under the impression that I may have to pay for it all myself. Any contribution from the other bridesmaids was a bonus.

Tell the MOH to check up on bridal shower etiquette. She is being obnoxious.

Maybe you can do some research and find some other places in the same area and present her with other more affordable options. Then at least she cant say you didnt offer a solution to the problem.

And I have never been to a "plated" bridal shower. Give me a break at $25 a plate. Brunch is friggin eggs, bacon, and maybe a pasta option.

redheadfsu · January 2010

I would email the other bridesmaids - exclude the MOH. Explain that no one asked you what your budget was- did someone ask them? Explain that you don't want them to pick up the difference, but instead figure out a way to make this work. Explain that if it remains as is, you can not co-host the shower and may even have to step down. Your emailing for ideas/ brainstorming to see what THEY can afford. What is the cancellation fee at this place? Does this place offer a buffet? etc.

Kristin789 · February 2010

>>The guest list is at 70 and the bride made it herself.

Yes, the bride makes up a list of people she would LIKE to invite, but then the HOSTS of the event - in this case, that's the MOH + BMs - narrow that list down to the 20 or so that can be invited. Work with the MOB to choose exactly which names to include and which to cut.

You don't take the list and then try to find a way to host a 70-person shower. That's crazy.

I'm a teacher who is invited to showers and weddings every year, and I've never been to a shower with over 15 people. 70? No way.

plessjm · February 2010

wow!!! That is a hefty price...
I am unbelieveably shocked that it was all preplanned without you. The other girls in the wedding party must be thinking that same thing you are! I am sure it was not done by the bride to make you poor with her wedding shower. If it is not to late and you are really worried about what the bride will think when you decline. I would see if you could plan a pow wow with her , MOH, and the other girls to discuss not only the money but what the bride is looking for...

As for giving a gift...
I am also in my bff wedding and she is in mine. For her shower i gave her a small gift that I knew she could use... i gave her photo albumn/memory book to add all her wedding planning photos and events into. I also included in the gift that I would fill it with pictures. But truly a gift isnt needed you are already giving a finicial gift to her by throwing a bridal shower to celebrate her upcoming wedding. Since she is a good friend do what you would want done for you. Imagine her in your shoes i would want to be confronted if i were the bride she sounds considerate rather thank a bridezilla

thurys · February 2010

OH MY!!! As far as I'm concerned, the BM paying for her dress, accessories, hair, travel, etc..is all the gift needed. No bride should EXPECT a gift or even hint at one, and if you are going to get one $450 is CRAZY.

honest advice wanted!

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