Best friend?

Re: Best friend?

• achiduck member

  

  August 2012

  While it's perfectly acceptable that you don't want children at your wedding, you need to either allow your friends to bring their children or accept that they may not attend if you disallow it.

  
  

  Also, just because you were in their weddings/threw showers doesn't mean they OWE it to you to leave their kids at home. 

  
  

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• Loopyseven member

  

  August 2012

  Ditto Achi.  Sounds like you need to decide what's more important.  Not having kids at your wedding, or potentially your friendship with these women.  

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• MrsGandthebeag member

  

  August 2012

  I get the whole no kids thing, as we had a kid free wedding.  Basically you need to think about what's more important to you; having your friend there with her kid or not having your friend there at all?  If you are going to stick with your no kids rule you need to be firm with her and tell her that you're holding your ground, sorry she won't be able to make it.  I'm not a mom, but to be honest, if I were traveling 3-4 hours for a wedding I wouldn't want to leave my kid either.  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  August 2012

  I would hate to see the 'long version'.

  
  

  I didn't invite kids (except my nieces/nephew who were in the wedding) to my OOT wedding (also 3-4 hour drive).  I knew when I made that choice some people might not be able to make it.  

  
  

  In the end no one with young kids declined because their kids could not attend.  They found other arrangements.   I just got lucky.   If someone called asked  I would have had to say no.  I had way too many people make arrangements for their kids to start making exceptions.

  
  

  You as the bride have every right not to have kids.  You should not feel guilty about your choice. 

  
  

  They as parents have every right not to leave their kids with babysitters.  They also should not be made to feel guilty for their.  

  
  

  Just say 'sorry you will not be able to attend' then just let it go.   Neither of you are wrong in the way you feel, so there is no point in making this an us against them type of thing.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• orangehills

  

  August 2012

  You are entitled to have no children at your wedding, I'm not, and it is pretty rude of them to just tell you they are bringing their kids when they aren't invited.  But you also can't just expect them to come if they are uncomfortable leaving their kids, just because you did stuff for them. I would say, stay firm if that's what you want, and tell them you are sorry if it is an inconvenience, but no children are allowed and you'll be very sorry and sad if they can't make it. Hopefully they get over bringing their kids to every little thing and look at it is a nice night out, especially if their moms are there to babysit.

  
  

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• phfiely

  

  August 2012

  Obviously having a child-free wedding is fine.
  
  I don't understand your friends freaking out about it, especially when it sounds like they both had childcare options they were comfortable with (their moms). The babies are over a year old...what is the problem with leaving them for a night for a wedding?
  
  I think it's even weirder that your friend had a child-free wedding herself and now is getting angry at you. Didn't she get frustrated when people RSVPed with children that weren't invited?
  
  I agree that friendships aren't tit for tat and just because you put a lot of effort into planning things for your girlfriends doesnt mean that HAVE to do the same for you. But honestly, a good friend would want to attend your wedding.
  
  I would be hurt that just weeks before your wedding they're changing their minds and not attending. It's disappointing. At this point, I would just let it go and not discuss it further.

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• LeiselEB member

  

  August 2012

  I get why you're upset. I think you just need to be firm with your friend and say "I'm really sorry, but we've decided against having kids at the wedding. I hope you can work something out and will be able to make it." If they say they won't come without their kids, then you mark them down as a no, or you let the kids come. 

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• MartinAston member

  

  August 2012

  Thanks for the validation. I completely agree that relationships should not be based on a point system. "I did this for you so you do this for me." However at the same time I feel like I'm not asking her to do a crazy thing. It's not like her baby is a new born and they don't have an available baby sitter and the wedding isn't out of state. I just don't appreciate being TOLD how my wedding day is going to be. Nor do I like her saying that someone on the guest list will most likely show up with their kid anyway so she might as well bring hers. It just doesn't make sense to me that she'll come to bachelorette party baby free but not the wedding. Doesn't add up?! And then her telling me I don't understand since I'm not a mom. Well that may be, but she's not the bride. But don't parents once in a while want a night out? I'm sure she'll have fun, if not more without the kid.

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• Loopyseven member

  

  August 2012

  I imagine for the bachelorette party she'll leave the baby with her husband while he'd be attending the wedding with her.  That is most likely the difference in the two situations.

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• [Deleted User] member

  

  August 2012

  mom's point of view here: I'd find a babysitter and be happy for a night out celebrating my friend's wedding.
  
  this actually sort of happened...my son was 1 1/2 years old at the time two of my best friends got married. They had a NO KIDS policy, I asked my mom to watch my son, and guess what? we had a WONDERFUL time celebrating the love of our two friends! go figure!
  
  As for the bachelorette vs Wedding thing...dunno about that as I personally feel that's a bit backwards...just my opinion...
  
  like PPs have said, just let her know your stance, and let her know you'd miss her if she can't make it.

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• willywally5 member

  

  August 2012

  Stick to your guns. I think they will show, they are just trying to get their way. And being rude and demanding in the process. How quickly they forget, it seems. that it's OK to have a child-free wedding.

  

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• loca4pook member

  

  August 2012 edited August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:de168295-63da-4565-8300-e398a4207f5dPost:69bbc378-bd6e-4f4a-8a3a-dca109bb3c27">Re: Best friend?</a>:
  [QUOTE]Ditto Achi.  Sounds like you need to decide what's more important.  Not having kids at your wedding, or potentially your friendship with these women.  
  Posted by Loopyseven[/QUOTE]
  
  I agree completely with this. Personally, I think you should re-consider for them since your wedding is actually far away and probably requires an overnight stay. They are your closest friends and they might not be able to attend otherwise. Is that what you want? It sounds like the children are very little, so how harmful can it really be to be present?
  If your wedding was nearby where they could go home for the evening, it might be a different story but they have to spend a night overnight somewhere I am guessing

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• TheSlowskys member

  

  August 2012

  In Response to Re:Best friend?:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend?:Ditto Achi. nbsp;Sounds like you need to decide what's more important. nbsp;Not having kids at your wedding, or potentially your friendship with these women. nbsp;Posted by LoopysevenI agree completely with this. Personally, I think you should reconsider for them since your wedding is actually far away and probably requires an overnight stay. They are your closest friends and they might not be able to attend otherwise. Is that what you want? It sounds like the children are very little, so how harmful can it really be to be present? If your wedding was nearby where they could go home for the evening, it might be a different story but they have to spend a night overnight somewhere I am guessing Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]
  
  It sounds like they have other possible childcare options, they just don't want to do it.
  
  When I read so many of these posts with excuse after excuse as to why someone's special little child cannot be left alone I really just roll my eyes. The kids will live and be fine, its the parents with the issues. I wonder how my siblings and I survived. Despite being breastfed until a year old, my parents never took any of us to weddings or away on vacation when they regularly traveled. We stayed with family or had a babysitter come and all managed to turn out just fine.

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• Avion22 member

  

  August 2012

  Just let your friend know that unfortunately the no-child policy is firm, and that you completely understand and will have no hard feelings if this means that she cannot attend, but that you truly hope she'll find some way to make it work so she can share your special day.

  
  

  You are entitled to your no-child policy, but the friend is equally entitled to choose to stay home with her kid,  Please don't hold it against her if she decides that she can't attend.   You are essentially putting her in a position where she has to choose her friend over her child, and most moms I know, when pressed like that, will choose the child every time.  Let her know that if she can't make it, you will miss her, but you can catch up in a more child-friendly atmosphere when you get back from your honeymoon:-)

  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de168295-63da-4565-8300-e398a4207f5dPost:69d32888-037d-4761-aa76-6ca1d9d602c5">Re: Best friend?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend? : I agree completely with this. Personally, I think you should re-consider for them since your wedding is actually far away and probably requires an overnight stay. They are your closest friends and they might not be able to attend otherwise. Is that what you want? It sounds like the children are very little, so how harmful can it really be to be present? If your wedding was nearby where they could go home for the evening, it might be a different story but they have to spend a night overnight somewhere I am guessing
  Posted by loca4pook[/QUOTE]
  
  <div>What about the other parents who did make other arrangements?   How is it fair to them to have to get a babysitter only to find out that if they just bitched and complained they could bring their own kid?</div><div>
  </div><div>If everyone of my guests brought their babies there would have been 5 extra people.  But since most of those people have other kids, it really would have been more like 10.  Not really fair to say the 1 year old can come but not the 2 or 5 year old.    But since this friend could bring their 1,2 and 5 year old. I have to let my cousin who only has a 5 year old come (they live close to each other).   Well if they 5 year old comes then what about the other cousin's 6 year old?   It's never ending and I would have ended up with an additional 30 guests.</div><div>
  </div><div>Sometimes it's not as simple as letting them come.  It starts a domino effect that pisses off way more people than just these 2.</div>

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• lyndausvi mod

  

  August 2012

  oh and if my BF was getting married OOT and didn't want kids and I was not comfortable with leaving my kid with a sitter.  The kids father would be taking care of him/her while I attended the wedding.    Maybe I would travel alone or maybe we would all go but they just hang out at the hotel.  But, yeah I would make it work.   

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  

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• jennylee813 member

  

  August 2012

  In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_best-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:de168295-63da-4565-8300-e398a4207f5dPost:3d67d059-4093-4b34-b2e4-fd18c9aada2a">Re: Best friend?</a>:
  [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Best friend? :<strong> What about the other parents who did make other arrangements?   How is it fair to them to have to get a babysitter only to find out that if they just bitched and complained they could bring their own kid? </strong>If everyone of my guests brought their babies there would have been 5 extra people.  But since most of those people have other kids, it really would have been more like 10.  Not really fair to say the 1 year old can come but not the 2 or 5 year old.    But since this friend could bring their 1,2 and 5 year old. I have to let my cousin who only has a 5 year old come (they live close to each other).   Well if they 5 year old comes then what about the other cousin's 6 year old?   It's never ending and I would have ended up with an additional 30 guests. Sometimes it's not as simple as letting them come.  It starts a domino effect that pisses off way more people than just these 2.
  Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]
  
  ^This. I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. I've respected the no kids policy (and have no problem with it, btw) and shown up, only to see other kids running around. My dd LOVES weddings, but when she's not on the invite, she stays at home - this past summer included. Even when there were lots of other kids there (and not so well behaved as mine - lol). I was a bm for a friend when my ds was 4 months old and it was tough, but he stayed home with his grandmothers. I was breastfeeding at the time, and STILL made it work because it was my friend's wish.
  
  Children between age 1-2 are usually starting to walk and want to toddle around everywhere, will likely be underfoot and cranky as the evening progresses. I have two chldren, so I'm well aware of what toddlers are like.
  
  I think that your friends are being selfish and playing the mom card when it's not cool. I agree with PP who said to stick to your guns and offer to get together with them after your honeymoon in a child friendly environment.

  

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