Wedding Etiquette Forum

Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!

**I'm putting a summary at the bottom now, because I think it's too long!**

Hi! So I wasn't going to make an account on here yet because I'm not engaged yet and I figured people probably wouldn't want me posting, but you guys always give really good advice I feel like and I think you guys could maybe help me. So what I'm saying basically is please don't make fun of me for my wedding date in my profile lol, thats not it, it's just that it's the first year we would even consider getting married because we're only 18 and freshmen in college, and some people are mature enough for marriage at 18 but not us yet lol! We know we want to get married eventually, but we don't want a long engagement so we're just going to wait. So we're kind of "engaged to be engaged" I guess you could say.

ANYWAY lol...so I'm having some trouble with BFs mom. She's a great and nice person, just not to me, if that makes sense. Like she has a lot of friends and is really a great mom to her kids, but she's just not nice to me. I think she feels like I'm trying to control my BF, and I'm really not. He is a man and can make his own decisions and besides that he already has a mom, so he doesn't need me for that lol. He is just really laid back and always has been, so if we're going to go out somewhere I'm the one that initiates it. He just doesn't think of that stuff, you know? He's comfortable just hanging out and doing whatever. He just doesn't care. 

But yesterday afternoon/evening was his sisters engagement party. I had to work, and in the morning my car wouldn't start. It's a pretty nice car, not like a lexus but like its pretty new, which is important for later, but like sometimes things just happen and cars don't start. Not my fault. BF offers to drive me in, way before the party, so I accept. Well while I was working (I'm a waitress) I got really dizzy and passed out. Super embarrassing. My manager called my BF and BF wanted to take me to the ER (I was back up again by this time), still like an hour or so before the party, but like 30 mins from his house where the party was. So we get to the hospital, I get into the room, and I tell BF to go to the party because I'll be fine and don't want his mom to flip out. He was like 30 mins late getting there and missed the "SURPRISE" (there were like 115 people there, so I doubt his sister even noticed) but his mom caught him sneaking in through the back door. I went home that evening (my roommate picked me up) after they said I was just dehydrated and anemic.

This morning at like 8 BFs mom shows up at BFs dorm and asks him to call me over (kinda hard to describe, but I'm basically 2 buildings over) to have a "meeting". So I get there and she basically tears into me saying that she's sick of my "power plays" and she can't believe I kept him from such an important family event and if my car doesn't work I need to get a new one, like I just have the disposible income to buy her ideal magical car that has some perfect battery that never dies. She made me feel like the worst person ever, and I'm kinda curious as to whether or not other people think she's right?

SUMMARY: Not engaged yet, in college, BFs mom doesn't like me based on misinformation and flipped out at me because her son dropped me off at the hospital making him a little late to a family event. Wondering if I'm actually the "bad guy" here! Thanks! Sorry for the novel lol!
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Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!

  • Sorry it's kinda sloppy! I'm just really frustrated and tried to get it all out quickly. Those weren't the only things she said, it was like a 45 min discussion, those were just the highlights because the post was already so long. Ahh sorry!
  • First, welcome to the boards! For 18 (I'm 22- graduated and planning my October wedding) you sound much like me at your age. Good for you for not rushing into marriage. 

    As for your BF's mother, she sounds like a peach. None of what you've described sounds terribly horrible, however, I suggest asserting yourself now. In the future, if you let her throw tantrums, you will let her run your lives. Your BF needs to sit her down and tell her how out of line she was to get huffy. Yesterday sounds like a terrible day for you (hope you're feeling better!) and she should have been more concerned about your health. 
  • edited February 2013
    Stage- He didn't really say anything, he was totally shocked. He's really mad and wants to say something to her about it but doesn't know what to say without her basically pulling his money for college. I kinda feel like I would rather him let it go and get to graduate on time without loans (their current agreement, he didn't "expect" them to pay for his college, but I mean if you have the means to graduate without all the loans...you know?) than say something and end up in crazy debt or just drop out from frustration and stress. I really love him and want whats best for him in life. 

    MissSunshine- Thanks! Congrats on getting married! We want to do something like what it sounds like you're doing, waiting until at least a few months after we graduate to get married, obviously if we feel like we're ready when we graduate lol. I feel much better today, thanks, still kinda "off," but better. I just pretty much burst into tears when she started in on me and couldn't say much other than, "sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." a lot. I'm a hot mess now and can't stop crying for more than 5 mins.
  • I think it's most important to know how your boyfriend reacted.  Did he stand up for you at all?  He should have!  He's an adult and needs to take a stand if his mother is going to act this way and treat someone he cares deeply about so disrespectfully.  It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong so don't let her get under your skin.  Some people lash out at others because they're unhappy in their own life.  I hope you're feeling better!
  • Welcome to grown-up land!  Where when someone "summons" you at 8am, you don't go, because you don't have to.

    I think bf's mom sounds unreasonable in your post, but she kinda has a point- your needs did come before his familys.  Now that's fine, he can make that choice, but I think you'll get to a more compassionate place if you understand that she probably is feeling like she's losing out a bit right now, and if you're in it for the long haul, being as gracious as you can while she grows up can only help.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:c3395f7f-c662-4aba-b2d6-1d97000cde6c">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think it's most important to know how your boyfriend reacted.  Did he stand up for you at all?  He should have!  He's an adult and needs to take a stand if his mother is going to act this way and treat someone he cares deeply about so disrespectfully.  It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong so don't let her get under your skin.  Some people lash out at others because they're unhappy in their own life.  I hope you're feeling better!
    Posted by mlg78[/QUOTE]

    I have to agree.  Your BF's mom was horrible, but what's really important is whether or not your BF stood by you and made clear to his mom that her behavior was not appropriate and that he would not tolerate it.  If he didn't, and she keeps treating you that badly, I think you'd better get out.  It won't get better from here on in.
  • mlg- he did, sort of, lol. This is a very new thing to both of us, as is "adulthood" or whatever. Kind of a work-in-progress. We were both literally just staring at her with our jaws dropped for a good 15 mins, she was practically steaming from the ears. It was nuts. She finally started asking him questions that I guess were rhetorical because she talked right over top of him (I swear this sounds so mean and I don't mean it to be, but I'm totally serious, I think she's going through menopause and it's making her act like a crazy person...), like "don't you miss seeing your friends?" of course he does! He sees the ones that still live close-ish, like we meet up with them pretty much every weekend, but she's talking about him driving like states away to visit friends in other schools, and this is a really busy time in the semester. We've known each other for a long time, his friends are my friends, and they were before we started going out. She acts like they aren't my friends, too. She kept saying "but I bet she would make you feel bad or make you bring her so you wouldn't want to go!" and all he could get out would be "No..." and she would flip out before he could finish his sentence. When she left he was about to cry. It was the saddest thing ever. And it's not like he doesn't have a roommate and like and entire building of people that can hear. We are all raised to respect our parents, but he just doesn't respect her anymore. He wants to write her a letter, something she can't interrupt.
  • Stage, I guess I'm being generous this morning. Yes, the mother is crazy, but we've all heard way worse. I think OP needs to focus on taking control of the situation. And you should absolutely not apologize for a medical emergency. You worst thing you can do now is let BF's mom think what she's doing is okay. 
  • umm. so just for argument sake let's say your car DID start and you drove yourself to work.  Does she really think someone who just passed out should drive themselves to the ER?  Really?   This has NOTHING to do with your car at all.   When my BF (now-DH) almost cutoff his finger tip at work know what I did?   I went to the clinic because that is what you do for a loved one.   E-parties come second I'm sorry.

    I really don't have any advice.  I would be pissed if someone called me out because a medical condition caused someone else to be late to a party.

    Glad you are okay.  Drink up.  I've passed out before being dehydrated.  I would just forget to drink.


    On another note:  Why didn't your employer take you to the hospital? I find it odd that wanted someone else to take you.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:11a2e17c-2473-4598-8857-18a141c55304">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]umm. so just for argument sake let's say your car DID start and you drove yourself to work.  Does she really think someone who just passed out should drive themselves to the ER?  Really?   This has NOTHING to do with your car at all.   When my BF (now-DH) almost cutoff his finger tip at work know what I did?   I went to the clinic because that is what you do for a loved one.   E-parties come second I'm sorry. I really don't have any advice.  I would be pissed if someone called me out because a medical condition caused someone else to be late to a party. Glad you are okay.  Drink up.  I've passed out before being dehydrated.  I would just forget to drink. On another note:  <strong>Why didn't your employer take you to the hospital? I find it odd that wanted someone else to take you.</strong>
    Posted by lyndausvi[/QUOTE]

    <div>He's a HUGE d-bag. He's creepy and hits on everyone, and then screams at them 2 seconds later. But, you can also tell him to f*** off and he doesn't care lol. It's basically the main inside joke between everyone. He insisted on calling to inform my BF, but then got pissy when BF insisted on taking me to the ER. He's crazy.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:34644493-7f2e-4d24-ad8f-1bf33a807ac1">Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]We know we want to get married eventually, but we don't want a long engagement so we're just going to wait. So we're kind of "<strong>engaged to be engaged</strong>" I guess you could say.
    Posted by Leells2017[/QUOTE]
    No.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:37ff1976-3aba-4a82-86e2-cb41b32ff3bb">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry! : No.
    Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

    <div>wtf? OK.</div>
  • I was confused by that as well Leells..
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:b697834b-c319-4c8f-9d2a-035b403ef255">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Stage- He didn't really say anything, he was totally shocked. He's really mad and wants to say something to her about it but doesn't know what to say without her basically pulling his money for college. 
    Posted by Leells2017[/QUOTE]

    <div>Has she threatened to do this?</div>
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:1a6e0193-5bae-4762-8555-f05cb8da9b4d">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry! : wtf? OK.
    Posted by Leells2017[/QUOTE]


    There is not such thing as engaged to be engaged.  You are either engaged or you are not.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Addie- yes, in so many words. She has said a few variations of, "Well if you were smart you wouldn't insult the people who are paying for your education. That doesn't have to happen..."

    Lynda- I said I wasn't engaged. I just meant that we were serious and had marriage in mind. It's a fairly common expression, I thought. I was just confused by the fact that smcs chose that one thing out of the entire post to comment on.
  • edited February 2013

    I believe she is saying that you can't be engaged to be engaged. You are either engaged or not engaged.

    I would suggest you try the 'Not Engaged Yet' board - those ladies are great as a sounding board.

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  • Yeah, I thought this might happen. 

    Thanks so much to everyone who helped!
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:9d38d705-07df-404a-80db-1d70ad4ba210">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Addie- yes, in so many words. She has said a few variations of, "Well if you were smart you wouldn't insult the people who are paying for your education. That doesn't have to happen..." Lynda- I said I wasn't engaged. I just meant that we were serious and had marriage in mind. <strong>It's a fairly common expression, I thought</strong>. I was just confused by the fact that smcs chose that one thing out of the entire post to comment on.
    Posted by Leells2017[/QUOTE]

    <div>Just because people say it doesn't make it not stupid.  You lose some credibility when you say things like that.</div><div>
    </div><div>Anyway, I realize it isn't the main topic of the post.  I hope your BF does stand up to his mother.  We are all raised to respect our parents, but separating yourself from your parents' control is an important part of growing up.  It sets him up to be able to put you ahead of family if and when you do get engaged/married.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:6481937a-1357-495f-92ef-17fd991d3163">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]I believe she is saying that you can't be engaged to be engaged. You are either engaged or not engaged. I would suggest you try the 'Not Engaged Yet' board - those ladies are great as a sounding board.
    Posted by vchan4[/QUOTE]

    <div>As someone who's been on NEY yet for a few years, we're not huge fans of the phrase 'engaged to be engaged', mostly b/c it sounds a bit juvenile. Many girls use the phrase to 'justify' or 'validate' the seriousness of their relationships. That phrase is like nails on a chalk board to us, so I'm guessing that's why the PP focused on that phrase. </div><div>
    </div><div>OP- You sound like you have your head on straight as far as priorities go. Finishing school and waiting until you're more established to get married is a wonderful choice, and I'm sorry your BF's mom isn't more supportive.</div><div>
    </div><div>Some mom's of sons get crazy when a new woman enters the picture. Couple that with the stress of him moving off to college, and his sister getting married and you're a prime target for being a scape goat. PP are right, your BF needs to speak up- in a understanding and compassionate way (it always pays to be the bigger person) and tell her that they way she spoke to both of you is not OK.  The way you deal with issues and setting boundaries now will set the stage for the rest of your lives together. </div><div>
    </div><div>As for them pulling his funding, you can't let them blackmail him, which is exactly what they are doing. They will find new ways to do for the rest of your lives together. Call their bluff, yes, the debt will suck, but not as bad as being under their thumb for the rest of their lives...</div>



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  • All the PP had really great advice, listen to them. They know what they're talking about. 

    I just have one little recommendation not related to the content of your post but the wording. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult I would suggest being a little more cognizent of how you word things online. Your word choice and grammer make you sound young and immature. From the content of your post I can infer that you are trying very hard to be mature and transition into adulthood. Please be aware of how your word choice and grammer can make you appear. 

    In a text or email to friends by all means use the word like as often as you want. When emailing professors or classmates or coworkers keep in mind that they will judge you based on your writing skills and you will likely need letters of recommendation from professors for whatever you choose to do after college. The best way to make a bad impression on your professors is to write an email worded like your OP and your responses.  Be careful when you write to anyone, you never know when that person might be in a position to further or hinder your career in the future.

    I don't want to sound judgmental of you (you think of this board as friends who you can say anything to - fantastic!). I am only a couple years older than you and I know many people who have had to learn that lesson the hard way so I am merely trying to help you not make the mistakes many in our generation have and will make.

    An example: I am a medical student and my school is very big on professionalism so we get many lectures on the subject of what not to do. One example that several Deans have used is a former student who took his first board exams and in the comments section he only wrote 3 letters: WTF. For this comment he failed his boards and was not able to get into a residency program. So basically he ruined his entire career as well as throwing away hundereds of thousands of dollars in student loans over a 3 letter comment. Just because you say it to friends does not mean it is appropriate to say to everyone.

    GL with your BF's mom, she sounds fabulous.
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  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    I would be inclined to let it go this one time but remember it as a learning experience. You and BF now know what she's like and how she perceives things. Your BF could be excused for not standing up for you if he were indeed dumbstruck, this one time. Now that you have both experienced her wrath and point of view, be forewarned. You can certainly say no to a summons and he can certainly be prepared to defend himself and you. Forgive but never forget.
  • Bubbly: 

    "Cognizant"

    "Grammar" 


  • edited February 2013
    Ok, so this seems like a really complex situation on the surface, but it's actually not.

    Your FMIL is empty nesting.  I would suspect that this is either her last son or her only son.  Freshman year of college can be very difficult for the parents, because they are trying to mentally grasp that their baby is now an adult.  It doesn't always go smoothly because they are used to saying 'jump' and having said offspring jump.

    She's using you as a locus for these feelings, probably because her son is so easygoing that he's never been difficult, and has ALWAYS done whatever she wants (IE show up at a party no matter what).  Now he has someone else that is important in his life that he has to keep in mind.  He won't necessarily show up when told to. Even if it's for a good reason, she feels that her relationship is threatened with him.  You are a convenient person to blame for this (rather than the real situation, which is adulthood).

    Bottom line here:  there's nothing YOU can do.  This is a re-definition of the relationship that your BF and his mother are going through.  He will have to learn to set boundaries, and stand up for himself like a man.  She will have to learn to let him go, and let him be a man. 

    There is an unfortunate chance that this process may take years.  It depends on how submissive/laid back of a person your BF is.  Hopefully he's not as ambivilant as you protray him, and by the next 2 or 3 years, his mother eventually slowly lets go.

    Either way, if he doesn't start standing up for you IN PERSON (writing a letter is passive aggressive and opens up the way for mis-interpretations), then the relationship will suffer. 

    There's my two dollars and 50 cents.
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:a92e3b1f-9fb3-42c8-8e6e-9a6e6e5fd7ad">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]All the PP had really great advice, listen to them. They know what they're talking about.  I just have one little recommendation not related to the content of your post but the wording. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult I would suggest being a little more cognizent of how you word things online. Your word choice and grammer make you sound young and immature. From the content of your post I can infer that you are trying very hard to be mature and transition into adulthood. <strong>Please be aware of how your word choice and grammer can make you appear.</strong>  In a text or email to friends by all means use the word like as often as you want. When emailing professors or classmates or coworkers keep in mind that they will judge you based on your writing skills and you will likely need letters of recommendation from professors for whatever you choose to do after college. The best way to make a bad impression on your professors is to write an email worded like your OP and your responses.  Be careful when you write to anyone, you never know when that person might be in a position to further or hinder your career in the future. I don't want to sound judgmental of you (you think of this board as friends who you can say anything to - fantastic!). I am only a couple years older than you and I know many people who have had to learn that lesson the hard way so I am merely trying to help you not make the mistakes many in our generation have and will make. An example: I am a medical student and my school is very big on professionalism so we get many lectures on the subject of what not to do. One example that several Deans have used is a former student who took his first board exams and in the comments section he only wrote 3 letters: WTF. For this comment he failed his boards and was not able to get into a residency program. So basically he ruined his entire career as well as throwing away hundereds of thousands of dollars in student loans over a 3 letter comment. Just because you say it to friends does not mean it is appropriate to say to everyone. GL with your BF's mom, she sounds fabulous.
    Posted by BubblyBride75[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>You do the same. Grammar*

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_ughh-i-cant-win-long-sorry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:01d96d8b-81aa-45a1-808d-701b2e7b3c55Post:87070521-3a35-462e-95d0-3cca7a0953b0">Re: Ughh I can't win! Long, sorry!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Bubbly:  "Cognizant" "Grammar" 
    Posted by musicalcanadianbride[/QUOTE]

    thank you, that is what I was going to point out, lol.

    OP-- agree that BF needs to stand up to his mom, so let it be between them.  It sucks he is letting her control him, but at 18, while by law you are an "adult," you are not always an independent adult!   I'm sorry you had to deal with his crazy mom like that.  But in time she will  hopefully come around.  In the meantime, BF needs to have a serious talk with his mom and I hope she apologizes to you!  Regardless if you are engaged or not, she was still rude and should have never treated you that way.  Unfortunatley, he will always be her little boy and you will be "the other woman" in his life according her her.... but BF needs to make sure he lays down those boundaries and stands up for you (whether you are his girlfriend, fiance or wife!).    My FI and I are in our 30s and while FMIL likes me and is respectful, I know if she had her way her children would never leave home.  Be the bigger person and hopefully the relationship gets better in the future.   
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